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Boyfriend is reserved and quiet


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Nikki Sahagin

Okay, first of all I want to say that I love my partner and have no desire to leave him. He has many wonderful points; he is devoted, affectionate, handsome, sweet, grounded and has given up weed completely since we started a relationship. He is very loving and kind and treats me amazingly well.

 

However, there is a niggle that bothers me. I'm quite an adventurous person. I love to travel and explore. I also love to learn. I'm always curious to learn new languages, try new foods, do new things. When I met him, I had already traveled most of South East Asia on my own. I'm big on animal rights, environmentalism and reading. I'm a Gemini - I like to learn, move, explore.

 

My partner is very much a home grown guy. He likes to sit at home, watch TV, watch viral videos and play games. He does come out with me, but it's not really his thing. Not very much impresses him. If I eat something and get excited and want to talk about how to make it or something, his response is always very basic, 'yeah?', 'hmmm', 'chuckle.'

 

He isn't really a conversationalist. He isn't an adventurer. He is quite happy in a bubble. He really is content this way. But for me...I get bored and unhappy.

 

He treats me wonderfully and I am very attracted to him. I also feel grateful for him. But I do feel I am missing something in the emotional department.

 

When we first met, we talked for hours and really sparked off of each other. Now that we have settled into a relationship (only 1 year), I feel he makes no effort conversationally. I almost feel he tricked me into being with him by putting on a more chatty front. He tells me he was trying to impress me then and so he made the effort. But the fact that he has largely stopped bothers me.

 

He says to me, what more do you want? I love you. I'm devoted to you. But I just get bored and uninspired by him sometimes. He isn't really an initiator, even sexually. He is quite shy and reserved and not really a big talker. It's not that he is wrong or bad, it's just that I miss that passion and excitement of conversation and adventure.

 

I basically want to be with him but to add a little more pazaz to his personality but obviously I can't do that.

 

BTW I'm 26 and he is 32.

 

I wonder if something like this is a dealbreaker? Should I look for a man who loves conversation, travel, adventure, animals?

 

Or should I be grateful for my wonderful handsome good hearted man who won't always talk much or whisk me away to Venice?

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La.Primavera

You start by saying you have no desire to leave your boyfriend but then end by asking if you should look for another man. It sounds like you are at a crossroad is your relationship.

 

I think the best way to figure this out is to picture your future in five years from now. Where do you want to be and what do you want to be doing? Once you have figured that then see where your boyfriend fits into that picture. Do you want the same things? Can you meet each others needs and support each others choices?

 

It would be worth talking to him about what he wants in the future as well. It might help you figure out if this relationship has a future. It is clear you both have very different personalities but if you want the same things out of life then you might be able to make this work.

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You are not going to change him so the Q becomes can you work around his homebody personality?

 

 

For us, DH stays home & I go off & explore by myself or with GFs locally. I get one big vacation / adventure per year & 1-2 weekend adventures. It's enough for me. If you can do something like that try it but you can't expect he's going to take off with you as often as you want.

 

 

If that or something like it isn't enough or worse if he won't even give you something, then you have to figure out which you want more him or your adventures. Neither choice is wrong but both come with sacrifices.

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Methodical

Unless you are content traveling alone, the way you did before entering into this relationship, with little to no thought provoking, inspirational, engaging conversation, then I foresee this becoming a bigger issue and eventually you'll grow farther apart.

 

I see no common ground here. He's a good guy, but that doesn't mean he's a good partner for you. He was outgoing in the beginning to impress you and one year later you feel a lack of emotional connection, no pazazz, no spark...chances are he'll never change. He temporarily put forth a good effort and now he has become complacent. What you feel lacking in the relationship are key components to a successful long term relationship, IMO.

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Well, that's exactly what happened. He misrepresented himself and faked being more outgoing and interesting until he had you. I wouldn't be very happy about that.

 

Look, all I can tell you is I know two people who are or were married to couch potato guys like this. One has social anxiety and also thinks he's right and the rest of the world is wrong, never him. He's superior and no one is smart enough to understand that. It becomes a problem when you have kids and holidays and stuff. Like this guy hides in his room if his wife has relatives or friends over. It's very rude. He gets worked up about it, too, refusing to open gifts, say, her mother gives him trying to be nice. He's mad at her for not just isolating herself like he does himself.

 

The other was a nice guy and nice to company but he never wanted to go out of the house and do anything. All he did was read, pretty much. His wife (now exwife) is my outgoing best running buddy who likes to go to street fairs, concerts, museums, and out to eat. He was only her companion when she was at home and she stayed home a lot more than she wanted to. Because he was always stewing in his own juices at home, he also became alcoholic over time and by the time she had a child (despite being on protection) he was useless as a father. Although he did work, it was never at anything where there could be a potential to make good money. Left on his own, he ended up literally rotting away into alcoholism and unemployment and died young.

 

I'm not saying your man doesn't have value. I actually really liked the one I just wrote about above that died. But please be aware that his lack of social abilities affects and holds him back in every area of his life. And that young people are better able to survive even with their weaknesses because people figure they'll outgrow it and forgive them. But these social deficits become magnified as they age. They get worse, never better. They are a bad influence on children and often neglectful of them in ways they don't even understand. A child using this person as a role model may get the message that to hole up in your room and be sullen and not care what anyone thinks and not wanting to go do anything is the preferred way to be. It also will more than likely hold him back in his career because he'll opt out of anything not in his comfort zone.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a bit of a home body, but you need to have the capability to go do the things life requires of you when called upon. If you can't, that's a mental disorder. If you could but you won't, that's just being an ahole.

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whichwayisup

He is a homebody and you're not. This is a certain lifestyle and it's obvious this part of your lives don't mesh well...As much as you love him and he is a great guy, your own happiness will get less and less if you stay with him. He isn't going to travel with you, go places with you and if you want that, it won't be with him.

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Well, that's exactly what happened. He misrepresented himself and faked being more outgoing and interesting until he had you. I wouldn't be very happy about that.

 

Look, all I can tell you is I know two people who are or were married to couch potato guys like this. One has social anxiety and also thinks he's right and the rest of the world is wrong, never him. He's superior and no one is smart enough to understand that. It becomes a problem when you have kids and holidays and stuff. Like this guy hides in his room if his wife has relatives or friends over. It's very rude. He gets worked up about it, too, refusing to open gifts, say, her mother gives him trying to be nice. He's mad at her for not just isolating herself like he does himself.

 

The other was a nice guy and nice to company but he never wanted to go out of the house and do anything. All he did was read, pretty much. His wife (now exwife) is my outgoing best running buddy who likes to go to street fairs, concerts, museums, and out to eat. He was only her companion when she was at home and she stayed home a lot more than she wanted to. Because he was always stewing in his own juices at home, he also became alcoholic over time and by the time she had a child (despite being on protection) he was useless as a father. Although he did work, it was never at anything where there could be a potential to make good money. Left on his own, he ended up literally rotting away into alcoholism and unemployment and died young.

 

I'm not saying your man doesn't have value. I actually really liked the one I just wrote about above that died. But please be aware that his lack of social abilities affects and holds him back in every area of his life. And that young people are better able to survive even with their weaknesses because people figure they'll outgrow it and forgive them. But these social deficits become magnified as they age. They get worse, never better. They are a bad influence on children and often neglectful of them in ways they don't even understand. A child using this person as a role model may get the message that to hole up in your room and be sullen and not care what anyone thinks and not wanting to go do anything is the preferred way to be. It also will more than likely hold him back in his career because he'll opt out of anything not in his comfort zone.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a bit of a home body, but you need to have the capability to go do the things life requires of you when called upon. If you can't, that's a mental disorder. If you could but you won't, that's just being an ahole.

 

Wow, that is some enlightening stuff preraph. I recently got out of a relationship with a partner that is very much like this. It is always very eye-opening to read stories about people like this. The woman I dated was 6 years my senior and has some severe social anxiety that she refuses to deal with. She never opened up to me about her past, did not reciprocate my love and effort whilst in the relationship, never was warm, polite, and kind to my friends and family, and in so many words said that she'd be happy with a reclusive life of just her and I - without any sort of contact with the outside world.

 

I can say from experience, that these people can drag you down into the sullen depths of despair as well - if you let them. My ex was slowly making me the way that she is (reclusive, making me want to avoid friends and family, and generally turning me into a negative person because of her incessant negativity) and it took me some time to realize how much of myself I had lost because of the relationship. It is amazing how you can adopt some of the bad traits of others and not even realize it is happening to you.

 

In speaking with a counselor, she echoed much the same as you did - people with social anxiety can do one of two things: 1.) They work a ton on it and get better, or 2.) It just gets worse until and they eventually shut out everyone in their lives in some capacity. I did not want that kind of life for myself, so I ended it with civility (there was also her not wanting children, which was a deal breaker for me.)

 

To the OP, communicate your expectations with your partner. If he continues to disappoint you, then it may be time to move on without him. Don't settle for someone who isn't giving you what you want out of the relationship, it could end up in resentment and an even messier breakup later on.

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GravityMan

There are happy couples out there where one person is outgoing and has an active lifestyle, while the other is reserved and a homebody. So differences in lifestyle and personality don't mean that the two people are automatically incompatible with each other. Perhaps they have common ground in other areas of life that are important to them.

 

However, you and your BF seem to be on very different and incongruent emotional wavelengths. That's a bad sign, and doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship. You two can try to compromise, but odds are that will just make both of you even more unhappy.

 

I think you two are emotionally and intellectually incompatible.

 

Semi off-topic: your OP illustrates one big reason why wise and perceptive women tend to be a bit wary of guys that seem to go out of their way to try and impress and woo them. The women detect the deceptive, unnatural, and try-hard vibe such guys usually have.

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In speaking with a counselor, she echoed much the same as you did - people with social anxiety can do one of two things: 1.) They work a ton on it and get better, or 2.) It just gets worse until and they eventually shut out everyone in their lives in some capacity. I did not want that kind of life for myself, so I ended it with civility (there was also her not wanting children, which was a deal breaker for me.)

 

And I imagine your counselor also told you that people with social anxiety are the hardest people to talk into seeking the help they need. Add in a bit of grandiosity like this one I knew had and it's a dead-end because they may see themselves as superior, not needing help.

 

I'm glad you got out because yes, they certainly do drag you down. And i have to say the one good decision she has made for sure is not to have kids. She is not the right person to have kids. At least she knows it.

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And I imagine your counselor also told you that people with social anxiety are the hardest people to talk into seeking the help they need. Add in a bit of grandiosity like this one I knew had and it's a dead-end because they may see themselves as superior, not needing help.

 

I'm glad you got out because yes, they certainly do drag you down. And i have to say the one good decision she has made for sure is not to have kids. She is not the right person to have kids. At least she knows it.

 

Yeah, she also said that. Thank goodness for my ex realizing that she's not a person that should be having kids. This breakup still hurts even though I know I did the right thing. I'm hoping that by staying no contact and moving forward with my life and career that eventually I'll feel back to normal - she really dragged me down, and it will take some time to get back to the jovial person I once was.

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You are not going to change him so the Q becomes can you work around his homebody personality?

 

 

For us, DH stays home & I go off & explore by myself or with GFs locally. I get one big vacation / adventure per year & 1-2 weekend adventures. It's enough for me. If you can do something like that try it but you can't expect he's going to take off with you as often as you want.

 

 

If that or something like it isn't enough or worse if he won't even give you something, then you have to figure out which you want more him or your adventures. Neither choice is wrong but both come with sacrifices.

 

I double like ^^

 

I mean, gotta pull out your sheet of pros/cons and decide what you will be willing to compromise on cuz you're never gonna get 100% of what you want.

 

Thing is I can go out and do my own thing. I go to movies, the mall, shopping, volunteering, clubs, even restaurants by myself. I like "traveling light"...I mean, when I have and/or try to do things with other people it gets to be such a drag sometimes - BUT, at the same time you wanna share experiences with other people when you do/see certain things.

 

If my SO didn't go with me on each and everything I wouldn't fret - but, if he does "nothing" with me, then it would be an issue. I'm generally a homebody - but I have my moments I get restless and have to just get out of the house. I have a tight budget, but when I did have money, I'd go out and like check food tastings, a small concert in the park - I like getting out now and then and would be nice if my SO would join me.

 

Also, if he starts acting weird cuz I'm cool going out on my own, then we also got problems. There are some chicks who go to the club and grind up on guys (even sleep/make out with them) and come home to their SO. When I'm going out on my own, it's not cuz I wanna "play" behind my SO's back.

 

And quite frankly, I need a homebody/go out now and then type person like myself. Sometimes when I'm browsing OLD, cuz when I read on some profiles that they're "outgoing" and/or they got a bunch of pics of them surfing, hiking, etc - that's too much for me. I don't have to be running the streets and/or having company in/out my home all the time. That's too much for me.

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I almost feel he tricked me into being with him by putting on a more chatty front. He tells me he was trying to impress me then and so he made the effort. But the fact that he has largely stopped bothers me.

 

It would bother me too. Like, why do you feel you had to "impress" me then but not now?

 

So much for that saying that men never change.

 

I think you should intimate to him that you fell in love with that guy then, not this guy now.

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Someone brought up a good point on here. To find out if he's depressed or has social anxiety. This is a deal breaker. Trust me on this. You do not want to be with someone like that. He will never change. I say that from my own experience. I am well aware you can't change someone, but the next person I hope to be with, better be someone who is willing to evolve.

 

My parents are opposite. My mom loves to go out and my father stays in. The big difference is my father choose to be more reserved. He can be quite the social person only if he choose to.

 

Youre young. Go travel some more.

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I don't think you need to have EVERYTHING in common, but it is incredibly beneficial to at least have some common ground IMO. I share some interests with my SO (and that's really important to me), but I have some interests that he doesn't share as well. Like you, I love raving about great food, but I usually rave to my foodie friends.

 

Is there nothing at all that excites both of you and that both of you are interested in? Or do you feel that both of you are complete polar opposites?

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Yeah, she also said that. Thank goodness for my ex realizing that she's not a person that should be having kids. This breakup still hurts even though I know I did the right thing. I'm hoping that by staying no contact and moving forward with my life and career that eventually I'll feel back to normal - she really dragged me down, and it will take some time to get back to the jovial person I once was.

 

I'm sure once your heart heals and you look back, you'll see even more clearly it was a bullet dodged to get out.

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I'm sure once your heart heals and you look back, you'll see even more clearly it was a bullet dodged to get out.

 

Thank you preraph. It really is a case of my head knowing that she was all wrong for me, now the challenge is being patient and letting my heart heal. I appreciate you sharing the stories you did in this thread - it helped put what could have been my future into perspective.

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