Do people need to settle?

[markleymassraff]

Do you all think that people just need to settle at some point? I'm getting old and have had relationships but nothing that lasted, obviously (1 year, 5 years, 1.5 years -- never married but relationships), and a number of shorter-lived involvements.

 

I have to admit I have high standards, but it's not necessarily that I want all things perfection -- I'm just kind of specific about what I want; I know it when I feel it and am around it.

 

There are people interested in me, but the one I want is not. It's not that I don't know you are supposed to give others a chance; I just feel so much less stimulated by others.

 

I just wonder...are we supposed to settle?

 

It's been dawning on me lately that I might be one of those people who dies without love. And I'm not just being melodramatic.

[Gloria25]

I think there's a difference between "settling", "dealbreakers", and "compromise"...

 

Not all of us are gonna find 100% what we want in a mate...so, that's where I believe we to our list of pros/cons (what we'll compromise) and what we won't stand for (dealbreakers).

 

I think a lot of us "compromise"...

 

But "settling" to me is not "compromise"...IMO, settling is just "you'll take whatever - even if it would be a dealbreaker"

 

I don't know, I don't think my standards are too high...I just think in my case I have a variety of beliefs, things going on that makes me hard to be a match. Also, with age it gets harder (people w/kids, divorces, baggage, set in their ways). And, now a days poor pool of candidates to choose from - single or not....Lots of lazy, stupid and/or pot heads/pill poppers out there who have no morals, common sense, etc.

[bunny2.0]

Do you all think that people just need to settle at some point? I'm getting old and have had relationships but nothing that lasted, obviously (1 year, 5 years, 1.5 years -- never married but relationships), and a number of shorter-lived involvements.

 

I have to admit I have high standards, but it's not necessarily that I want all things perfection -- I'm just kind of specific about what I want; I know it when I feel it and am around it.

 

There are people interested in me, but the one I want is not. It's not that I don't know you are supposed to give others a chance; I just feel so much less stimulated by others.

 

I just wonder...are we supposed to settle?

 

It's been dawning on me lately that I might be one of those people who dies without love. And I'm not just being melodramatic.

 

Don't settle. He is out there he might jsut be younger than you.

 

How old are you?

[markleymassraff]

Don't settle. He is out there he might jsut be younger than you.

 

How old are you?

 

I'll be 36 soon.

 

I think my problem is that I don't only want a good person. If I only wanted a good person, I have come across plenty of them. I want to be excited by the person too; I want to be really attracted to him AND him be a good person. (well, good to me...you know.) I like, in a guy, a combination of charisma, intellect, good looks, good body, good social skills. I was recently talking to a guy who's younger than me who is bright and certainly a nice person (even reasonably sexy), but I've dated men who were much more intellectual than him, and it feels like a downgrade.

 

The thing is, you know how they say that men will have sex lower than them? Well, the guy I want had sex with me and did so for a month but he then moved on. I know he is sort of out of my league, but I can't help but still want him. (I mean, it's not that he is sooo out of my league; I am also educated, good-looking, thin, good social skills, etc.) But he can get versions of me that are even hotter. So...he both is and isn't out of my league.

 

The problem is...now that I've experienced him, I can't help but want him or someone equal to him. But most other men fall short. And at this point, I'd feel like it was "settling" to be with them.

[understand50]

I'll be 36 soon.

 

I think my problem is that I don't only want a good person. If I only wanted a good person, I have come across plenty of them. I want to be excited by the person too; I want to be really attracted to him AND him be a good person. (well, good to me...you know.) I like, in a guy, a combination of charisma, intellect, good looks, good body, good social skills. I was recently talking to a guy who's younger than me who is bright and certainly a nice person (even reasonably sexy), but I've dated men who were much more intellectual than him, and it feels like a downgrade.

 

The thing is, you know how they say that men will have sex lower than them? Well, the guy I want had sex with me and did so for a month but he then moved on. I know he is sort of out of my league, but I can't help but still want him. (I mean, it's not that he is sooo out of my league; I am also educated, good-looking, thin, good social skills, etc.) But he can get versions of me that are even hotter. So...he both is and isn't out of my league.

 

The problem is...now that I've experienced him, I can't help but want him or someone equal to him. But most other men fall short. And at this point, I'd feel like it was "settling" to be with them.

 

I think you have built this guy up so no man can match him. He had sex with you and then tossed you away. Is that the type of guy you want? If he is so good why has he not "settled" in a relationship. A man that will commit to you and love you is not settling, it means you hit the jack pot.

 

You have never been able to have a long term relationship - WHY? I think you need to ask yourself if you are ready to commit, and then work towards it, and reject the "hot looking guys, who will not commit to you" and look for a MAN that is ready to make a life with you. The hard thing is that the men that want a marriage have found their love of their life already, but some are out there. You need to be a woman who will commit as well. I do not mean to be harsh, but I think the issue is with you. On the good side, you can change. You are master of yourself.

 

I wish you luck, and hope you find the love and companionship you are seeking.

[carhill]

Do people need to settle?

 

Need? Nah.

 

Want? Up to you. You have the power of choice.

 

Ah, to be 36 again.

 

When you find love that's right for you, settling will be the furthest thing from your mind and the guy won't be a laundry list. He'll just be.

[cookiemonster26]

This outlook of yours is the number one reason why many women stay single these days. Eventually, the guys who are actually in your league will stay away from you. It's pretty sad that you don't have enough self respect to want to be with someone who actually likes you as a person. You would rather be used by a guy just looking for a warm body that is an easy score.

So if your with a guy who causes you dread when you ha e to see or talk to him, thats pretty much settling ? I've tried settling or whatever and I always felt this way

[markleymassraff]

This outlook of yours is the number one reason why many women stay single these days. Eventually, the guys who are actually in your league will stay away from you. It's pretty sad that you don't have enough self respect to want to be with someone who actually likes you as a person. You would rather be used by a guy just looking for a warm body that is an easy score.

 

Oh please. I have been in relationships before with men who liked me as a person. And loved them. Stop transferring your bitterness toward women to me.

 

And you're right, many women do stay single instead of getting together with guys they don't want. That's absolutely a good thing. You seem to think women should get together with guys they find boring and/or don't respect. I don't agree.

 

And no, I don't want to be with a guy who just wants a warm body. I want to be with a guy who is attractive and not boring. That's the distinction I made between what i want and what I don't want. You're just deciding to make the distinction "doesn't want you" vs. "does want you."

 

I've been attracted to men who wanted me before, and had relationships with them; I don't "prefer" men who don't want me. I prefer attractive men.

 

Get over your bitterness toward women wanting attractive guys and stop extracting from posts the most misogynistic angle you can find. It happens I have extremely high self esteem and self respect. That's why I only want to be with someone awesome who excites me.

 

I'm sorry there are a lot of dull / awkward men out there who get hurt by women not wanting them, but it is what it is. It's not our "lack of self respect" -- it's our desire not to settle. Sorry.

Edited July 1, 2015 by markleymassraff

[Keenly]

I'll be 36 soon.

 

I think my problem is that I don't only want a good person. If I only wanted a good person, I have come across plenty of them. I want to be excited by the person too; I want to be really attracted to him AND him be a good person. (well, good to me...you know.) I like, in a guy, a combination of charisma, intellect, good looks, good body, good social skills. I was recently talking to a guy who's younger than me who is bright and certainly a nice person (even reasonably sexy), but I've dated men who were much more intellectual than him, and it feels like a downgrade.

 

The thing is, you know how they say that men will have sex lower than them? Well, the guy I want had sex with me and did so for a month but he then moved on. I know he is sort of out of my league, but I can't help but still want him. (I mean, it's not that he is sooo out of my league; I am also educated, good-looking, thin, good social skills, etc.) But he can get versions of me that are even hotter. So...he both is and isn't out of my league.

 

The problem is...now that I've experienced him, I can't help but want him or someone equal to him. But most other men fall short. And at this point, I'd feel like it was "settling" to be with them.

 

 

I think this is your main problem.

 

You are comparing all of these men to each other and your past relationships. Stop that. Each person is a unique individual. Stop trying to find their faults and focus on their positives.

[markleymassraff]

I think you have built this guy up so no man can match him. He had sex with you and then tossed you away. Is that the type of guy you want? If he is so good why has he not "settled" in a relationship. A man that will commit to you and love you is not settling, it means you hit the jack pot.

 

You have never been able to have a long term relationship - WHY? I think you need to ask yourself if you are ready to commit, and then work towards it, and reject the "hot looking guys, who will not commit to you" and look for a MAN that is ready to make a life with you. The hard thing is that the men that want a marriage have found their love of their life already, but some are out there. You need to be a woman who will commit as well. I do not mean to be harsh, but I think the issue is with you. On the good side, you can change. You are master of yourself.

 

I wish you luck, and hope you find the love and companionship you are seeking.

 

Well, the thing is, I don't want marriage, so it's not like I am looking for a husband. And the guy I mentioned didn't "throw me away." I mean, I gave limited information, but he didn't throw me away. We had sex for a month and then we stopped -- he lives 2.5 hours away but it wasn't just that. He's post divorce (was married for 13 years and got divorced in November) and is just not serious with anyone. We continued to talk and were still friends. We have known each other for almost 3 years now. (got together at the 2.5 years mark of knowing each other, roughly.) We have a lot of common friends and are still friends.

 

And the thing about it is...all my boyfriends have been hot. So it's not like I fling with hot guys but have relationships with less hot ones. I like good-looking men, and so anyone I have a relationship with is handsome. And my standards for a fling are about the same, maybe just slightly lower. Still....I don't think one can say "stop looking for hot guys." Not all hot guys don't want a relationship. I mean, I've been in a relationship with guys who everyone thought / thinks are handsome.

 

It's more that I'm looking for a really full-package guy. And it kinda sucks not to get it.

 

Oh, and I don't know where you got that i haven't been in a long term relationship. I have....a few.

 

And again, I don't want marriage. I am really not the marriage, kids, and three bedroom suburban home type at all.

[Tayla]

Enigmas comment bore rational thought. Maybe I comprehended him to say that- Women are more apt to stay single because they do not want to be in a relationship with the person that is willing to "settle"- Equating to: I am not the consolation prize. I didn't read him making a misogynist comment.

 

OP, Gloria said it well in her definition. "settling is just "you'll take whatever - even if it would be a dealbreaker", and who wants that ??

 

Settling can be surviving, but not LIVING LOVINGLY.