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Depressed and unsure...


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Well, here I am again. In the same place I sought advice from quite some time ago.

 

To make a long story short, i've been diagnosed with a severe episode of depression. It doesn't help things that my boyfriend is unsupportive.

 

I've made the choice to live in the state that i've moved to 3 years ago, with the hope that this will be the last move I make. However, dealing with this depression and lack of support, and being so far away from family, is making it difficult to make the decision to stay.

 

My family wants me back home. I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with leaving behind the life i've started here. I'm torn. I know that either decision I make, there will be pros and cons.

 

I should mention that the day I was diagnosed with severe depression, my live-in boyfriend suggested we move apart and begin dating again that way. Since things with him haven't been great, and still aren't, I agreed.

 

Essentially, I need the push to do something. To stay, or to go. I know I should probably leave. I'm not happy with my job, or my boyfriend, but it's hard leaving something i've committed myself to.

 

If anyone has any advice, or has been in a similar situation, I would love to hear what you have to say! I'm not in a good place, mentally, to make any serious decisions.

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I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. I hope you are getting some support from your doctor.

 

I can't help you to decide. I think and believe that decisions are made unconsciously before they become conscious to us. I think therefore that if you cannot decide it's because your unconscious mind hasn't worked through all the options yet sufficiently to overcome what is a natural conflict. You have committed yourself to something but it's not making you happy so you are considering backtracking. There is no right or wrong outcome, only the one that would be best for you. I think you will know what you want to do soon, but perhaps be a little patient and see if you become more definite.

 

I don't know if you are receiving any treatment for your depression, but you might want to wait and see if that makes a difference at all, before making any irrevocable decisions anyway.

 

Good luck!

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Being depressed can make it almost impossible to make even simple decisions, much less this one. I say concentrate on healing and try not to let anything get to you much. You could even look for a job in another place entirely and just see if you get any nibbles and start fresh, but that's a big step. Deal with one thing at a time. If you hate your job, deal with that first. Look for another job or maybe in the process of looking, you see it's a dead end and that pushes you more to move home. But deal with one thing at a time and don't let the situation as a whole overwhelm you. Good luck.

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Keep busy, if you stop when you have a depression you are bound to get hit by it badly.

 

Your bf, he wanted to take a break before or after you broke the news to him ?

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I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. I hope you are getting some support from your doctor.

 

I can't help you to decide. I think and believe that decisions are made unconsciously before they become conscious to us. I think therefore that if you cannot decide it's because your unconscious mind hasn't worked through all the options yet sufficiently to overcome what is a natural conflict. You have committed yourself to something but it's not making you happy so you are considering backtracking. There is no right or wrong outcome, only the one that would be best for you. I think you will know what you want to do soon, but perhaps be a little patient and see if you become more definite.

 

I don't know if you are receiving any treatment for your depression, but you might want to wait and see if that makes a difference at all, before making any irrevocable decisions anyway.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your advice! I have not yet begun the process of seeing a therapist, mostly because my heart is leaning towards moving back home.

 

I know this is wrong, but i've been self-medicating with alcohol, which I believe is leading to an addiction. I have to deal with that, on top of everything else, it all seems so unbearable.

 

I'm attempting to take it one day at a time, but it seems as though each day is becoming more and more unbearable. I can't provide for myself while i'm on a leave from my job, and my boyfriend isn't helping, which is making me lean towards moving back home. It seems the only way.

 

Being depressed can make it almost impossible to make even simple decisions, much less this one. I say concentrate on healing and try not to let anything get to you much. You could even look for a job in another place entirely and just see if you get any nibbles and start fresh, but that's a big step. Deal with one thing at a time. If you hate your job, deal with that first. Look for another job or maybe in the process of looking, you see it's a dead end and that pushes you more to move home. But deal with one thing at a time and don't let the situation as a whole overwhelm you. Good luck.

 

I've been trying to heal, but the lack of support is overwhelming. Looking for a job right now isn't an option. I'm on medical leave due to my depression, and that would only amplify things.

 

I truly appreciate your support and understanding, it means a lot to me to know that i'm not as misunderstood as society leads me to believe.

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Keep busy, if you stop when you have a depression you are bound to get hit by it badly.

 

Your bf, he wanted to take a break before or after you broke the news to him ?

 

Him and I haven't been on good terms for awhile now. It was bound to happen. We haven't broken up yet, but i've been spending every single day in my bedroom (separate from his) for about a month or so, ever since my depression began.

 

I've been doing things to help my depression, like doing yoga every morning and getting out and doing the things I need to get done, but nothing is working. Every day, when my bf gets home from work, I go straight to my bedroom, from which i'm typing this now.

 

When he asks how i'm doing, and I tell him 'not good' there isn't a response. He isn't supportive and I feel like I can't live like this any longer.

 

On the other hand, i've committed myself to this relationship and to this state. I just don't know what to do.

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Being "supportive" and being someone's "therapist/counselor/punching bad/whipping boy" are different animals

 

I believe your bf is not in the capacity to give you what you need to be healthy and better. And, IMO, a bf/gf/SO/spouse should not be our "only" support in life.

 

There are support groups for people battling depression, alcohol, caring for elder relatives, etc. Within those groups I believe you can find others, trade stories, support each other - and hopefully under the watch/guidance of a trained professional (ie a counselor).

 

I also believe we have a responsibility to bring our best "selves" to a RL. Not fair if you are broken and run to your room and leave him hurting...he has needs too.

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I've been trying to heal, but the lack of support is overwhelming. Looking for a job right now isn't an option. I'm on medical leave due to my depression, and that would only amplify things.

 

I truly appreciate your support and understanding, it means a lot to me to know that i'm not as misunderstood as society leads me to believe.

 

I sympathize. My problem is my friends and family were used to me being the strong one and because I was relatively stoic didn't realize how seriously depressed I was and it went on for years. Neither did doctors, though I badly needed meds. So as a result, not much support. I even had to deal with two elderly people's estate and health decisions during those years. No pressure! I could barely decide if it was worth it to put on pants to go get a burger, much less handle huge life decisions.

 

Two things I did that helped me some that you might try. One is I took water aerobics and really put my all into it to alleviate the physical stress. I felt a lot of physical relief after these workouts, and of course the water is very soothing too. You work out, then stretch all over and it could keep your body from wearing out from the stress and make you feel a bit better.

 

The other thing I did was I had always wanted to work at the zoo or with animals, so I volunteered just one time a week for a fluid amount of hours, usually just 2-3 and did behavioral research that they trained me for. It's an education. You do zoo orientation and then take classes they give you. Then I did a few odds and ends too like babysit an ocelot after surgery (I was working with ocelots) and also sitting watch as other animals were put in together. It was very peaceful and the best thing is it not only made me feel like I wasn't being totally wasted but also gave me, at last, something undepressing to talk to weary friends about.

 

Also, I was lucky because I had a dog, and honestly, she is who I credit most for keeping me in one piece, because I wanted to take good care of her. She and I truly rescued each other.

 

So try to think of something that will make you feel good. It is a little about making good memories and forming new neural pathways and getting your brain out of that rut sometimes.

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Being "supportive" and being someone's "therapist/counselor/punching bad/whipping boy" are different animals

 

I believe your bf is not in the capacity to give you what you need to be healthy and better. And, IMO, a bf/gf/SO/spouse should not be our "only" support in life.

 

There are support groups for people battling depression, alcohol, caring for elder relatives, etc. Within those groups I believe you can find others, trade stories, support each other - and hopefully under the watch/guidance of a trained professional (ie a counselor).

 

I also believe we have a responsibility to bring our best "selves" to a RL. Not fair if you are broken and run to your room and leave him hurting...he has needs too.

 

This post upsets me. Mostly because you don't know who my s/o is. He has always had the support of his close family. So to say that he has 'needs' too that are being unmet is ridiculous. He leaves every weekend to spend time with his supportive family, while i'm at home crying.

 

I'm not playing the victim, I AM the victim. A victim of a horrible disease that is uncontrollable. And for someone to say that an outsider (one that *should* be there for me during this time of anguish) is doing their part by NOT being supportive, is unfathomable.

 

Maybe me leaving would be a good thing, for both of us. Which is why I originally posted this thread to begin with.

 

 

I sympathize. My problem is my friends and family were used to me being the strong one and because I was relatively stoic didn't realize how seriously depressed I was and it went on for years. Neither did doctors, though I badly needed meds. So as a result, not much support. I even had to deal with two elderly people's estate and health decisions during those years. No pressure! I could barely decide if it was worth it to put on pants to go get a burger, much less handle huge life decisions.

 

Two things I did that helped me some that you might try. One is I took water aerobics and really put my all into it to alleviate the physical stress. I felt a lot of physical relief after these workouts, and of course the water is very soothing too. You work out, then stretch all over and it could keep your body from wearing out from the stress and make you feel a bit better.

 

The other thing I did was I had always wanted to work at the zoo or with animals, so I volunteered just one time a week for a fluid amount of hours, usually just 2-3 and did behavioral research that they trained me for. It's an education. You do zoo orientation and then take classes they give you. Then I did a few odds and ends too like babysit an ocelot after surgery (I was working with ocelots) and also sitting watch as other animals were put in together. It was very peaceful and the best thing is it not only made me feel like I wasn't being totally wasted but also gave me, at last, something undepressing to talk to weary friends about.

 

Also, I was lucky because I had a dog, and honestly, she is who I credit most for keeping me in one piece, because I wanted to take good care of her. She and I truly rescued each other.

 

So try to think of something that will make you feel good. It is a little about making good memories and forming new neural pathways and getting your brain out of that rut sometimes.

 

I'm currently in a state half way across the country from any family members or close friends. Part of my debacle is whether to leave the life i've begun in this state, to go to my family in a different state.

 

I think the only thing that will make me happy is to go. But it's hard to leave when i'm so depressed. It makes me feel like i'm not thinking clearly, like i'll regret whatever decision I make.

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Well, it's not like it isn't reversible if you take a misstep. I think you should follow your feeling and go home if that's what sounds good to you. You need that support. I only hope they are supportive. And also, you MUST find a new doctor once you're there and have your records sent from the one who is treating you now. Don't change anything about your meds until you've seen a doctor.

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Well, it's not like it isn't reversible if you take a misstep. I think you should follow your feeling and go home if that's what sounds good to you. You need that support. I only hope they are supportive. And also, you MUST find a new doctor once you're there and have your records sent from the one who is treating you now. Don't change anything about your meds until you've seen a doctor.

 

Oh i've already thought about that. Nothing will change in that department. I'll absolutely find a doctor who knows and understands what's going on.

 

As far as things being reversible, I can't just move back to where I am now and act like nothing has changed. I don't think I would move back to a place I left because I was so unhappy. If anything, i'd move somewhere new. But that thought is so distant, I can't begin to understand it.

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On the other hand, i've committed myself to this relationship and to this state. I just don't know what to do.

 

Don't let your pride of keeping a "commitment" trap you in a place where you can't succeed and be happy.

 

And I'm sorry to see this is happening... :(

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Don't let your pride of keeping a "commitment" trap you in a place where you can't succeed and be happy.

 

And I'm sorry to see this is happening... :(

 

You! I'm so glad to hear from you!!! You are right. And it's whats been going back and forth in my mind. The thought of the dedication to the 'commitment'. However, the 'new' change (me moving) may not be what makes me happy.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. And it's devastating to me. Not knowing how to make oneself happy, or even content. Not having a direction to go in, not knowing what choices to make or not make. It's all horribly overwhelming.

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You! I'm so glad to hear from you!!! You are right. And it's whats been going back and forth in my mind. The thought of the dedication to the 'commitment'. However, the 'new' change (me moving) may not be what makes me happy.

 

But moving *may* make you happy. Just because the new change has the chance of not being the final solution doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing. But it sounds like the current situation will *never* make you happy. I'd take 10% over 0% every time.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. And it's devastating to me. Not knowing how to make oneself happy, or even content. Not having a direction to go in, not knowing what choices to make or not make. It's all horribly overwhelming.

 

Don't worry about happiness yet. Get yourself out of the dreadful sadness you're experiencing now. Baby steps.

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But moving *may* make you happy. Just because the new change has the chance of not being the final solution doesn't mean it's not worth pursuing. But it sounds like the current situation will *never* make you happy. I'd take 10% over 0% every time.

 

 

 

Don't worry about happiness yet. Get yourself out of the dreadful sadness you're experiencing now. Baby steps.

 

You're so right. I have to get over this issue I have of discontinuing something i've started. Hurting my boyfriend will be the worst of it all, I think.

 

Which just makes things worse.....

 

I'll be alright. I think.

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I would like to suggest you see a really good CBT (cognitive behaviour therapist). I went through terrible depression and was completely "lost" until I went and saw a great CBT who really helped me to put things in perspective.

A good therapist should be able to help you.

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I would like to suggest you see a really good CBT (cognitive behaviour therapist). I went through terrible depression and was completely "lost" until I went and saw a great CBT who really helped me to put things in perspective.

A good therapist should be able to help you.

 

Thank you for the advice! I've been advised to do so as well from my doctor. I was planning on doing so, until my family urged me to move back home. Regardless of the decision I make, I fully intend on seeing a therapist.

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Oh i've already thought about that. Nothing will change in that department. I'll absolutely find a doctor who knows and understands what's going on.

 

As far as things being reversible, I can't just move back to where I am now and act like nothing has changed. I don't think I would move back to a place I left because I was so unhappy. If anything, i'd move somewhere new. But that thought is so distant, I can't begin to understand it.

 

Like I said before, if you try to look at your whole chain of issues from start to finish, from past to future, you'll be overwhelmed, so just focus on what feels right for the next step. But do remember that anything is possible. Think of a new beginning, a clean slate, a safe haven.

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Like I said before, if you try to look at your whole chain of issues from start to finish, from past to future, you'll be overwhelmed, so just focus on what feels right for the next step. But do remember that anything is possible. Think of a new beginning, a clean slate, a safe haven.

 

Thank you for that. I do believe that perhaps a new beginning may be exactly what I need. The problem right now is overcoming the hurdle that it takes to remove myself from my present situation.

 

I suppose it'll all work itself out somehow.

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Clarence_Boddicker

Sorry for your diagnosis & unsupportive boyfriend. Any idea what triggered it?

 

 

What is this commitment you're worried about breaking if you move? If it's a job you hate or a dying relationship with an unsupportive boyfriend who has a separate room, that's not worth risking your recovery.

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Thank you for that. I do believe that perhaps a new beginning may be exactly what I need. The problem right now is overcoming the hurdle that it takes to remove myself from my present situation.

 

I suppose it'll all work itself out somehow.

 

It'll work out. With your bf, keep it simple. Remember he pulled back first. So don't feel guilty about it. Just tell him you need to take care of yourself right now and need to be near family to do it and he's certainly welcome to come visit.

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Sorry for your diagnosis & unsupportive boyfriend. Any idea what triggered it?

 

 

What is this commitment you're worried about breaking if you move? If it's a job you hate or a dying relationship with an unsupportive boyfriend who has a separate room, that's not worth risking your recovery.

 

SO sorry I missed your post. My worry is breaking the commitment that i've given towards my boyfriend (yes, the one that i'm currently sleeping in a different room) and the job that I dislike.

 

I'm not sure what triggered my depression, but I have a feeling it's a lack of support. And you are SO right. It's not worth risking my recovery. Not any of it. Thank you so much for your advice!

 

It'll work out. With your bf, keep it simple. Remember he pulled back first. So don't feel guilty about it. Just tell him you need to take care of yourself right now and need to be near family to do it and he's certainly welcome to come visit.

 

You're so right. He approached me tonight and asked me if there was anything he could do to change my mind, and I told him a definitive no. He's done everything he could possibly do. And I don't blame him, but I need to work on myself right now.

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So it's official! I'm making the move! In just 2 1/2 weeks i'll be back with my family! The conversation with my bf about it went surprisingly well. He understands my need for family support.

 

We cried, and talked about how much we care for eachother. But now i'm stuck with yet another dilemma.

 

Do we spend this time together? Soaking up every last bit of the time we have? Or do we keep separate? To lessen the pain once I move?

 

Advice here is much needed, and appreciated!!

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Clarence_Boddicker

If he's ok with it & you want to, yes spend as much time together as possible. You will have plenty of time alone.

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