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Risky letter to girlfriend


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This is gonna be a lengthy post, but i really need help to try to hear me out :)

 

Im a 20 year old boy with an amazing girlfriend, who is also 20. We are in a steady and commited relationship, and we both want to marry and live together someday. She is perfect for me and im perfect for her, and we have been together for about 1 year soon.

 

Now lately this lady of my dreams has started to wear short shorts. Im a very openminded guy, but i sincerely think that these shorts are way to revealing. We have talked about this topic before, and we both agreed that modesty is what we both want to be aiming for. This new style of clothing started about a week ago, and i know that its up to her what she wears, and i wont force her to do something she does not want to. However i feel like i have the right to have my saying, and therefore decided to write her a letter, letting her know how i feel about it(cant have face2face because she is on a vacation). Im gonna copy/paste the very lengthy letter below, but again, try to hear me out!

 

"Dear Maria, let me put it this way.

Whenever i describe you to myself or others, i always use the word "modesty". An modesty can be everything from your personality, values, relationships and even the way you dress. I also believe that you are a lady who values self-respect, a adult women with respect for herself and her body. These qualities: modesty and self-respect, are what seperates you from other women in my eyes. I really appreciate these qualities, and its the reason i dont want you to wear such short shorts Maria. I am fully aware thats its your choice what you wear and dont wear, but please try to see things from my perspective: I dont want to change who you are, your personality, your values or your relations. Rather, i whould never tell you to change who you are for me, because i love you for excatly who you are. The only thing im asking of you, is that you try not to wear clothes that are so revealing. In my honest opinion, those short shorts of yours are out of my comfort zone. Maria we have been together for almost a year now, and i know you well enough to tell you that clothes like that dont reflect your beautiful modest personality. Whenever i think of you, i think of modesty and humbleness, not short shorts. I think your other clothes, such as your knee-length shorts are very good looking, they dont show too much, yet they are comfy to wear in warm weather. Short shorts might be fashionable, but you wearing them makes me feel a little uncomfortable. It might seem like im making a big deal out of a small bagatelle, but for me this is actually a really important topic. Im not aking you to make big changes, im just asking for a little adjustment in your clothing. And im not forcing you into anything, i will love you whatever your choice might be. I whould however, really appreciate it if you understand me and are willing to compromise, it would mean alot to me Maria.

 

Love, your lover."

 

Was this an okay way to bring up the topic? I whould really appreciate responses, especially from girls: How whould you react if your boyfriend sent you this letter?

 

Thanks in advance :)

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Photofinish

It's not your decision to decide what she cant or can wear.

 

Why are you so insecure about her shorts ? Unless her butt cheeks are out I dont understand the issue ?

 

Writing a letter because of what she wears is really immature and insecure . I hope YOU dont wear shorts either since you think it's wrong she wears them .

 

If you dont like the way she dresses then either deal with her or let her go .

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She has the right to wear whatever she likes.

 

If you're not happy with that, work on yourself.

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Clarence_Boddicker

If I was a girl, I'd be pissed.

 

 

You need to get some self confidence & lose the controllingness & jealously. Most girls run from those. She obviously wants to wear them & it's a normal thing to wear. I doubt there even too short. I doubt you can see the crease of her ass to leg transition, which is my definition of short shorts.

 

 

Maybe you should think of becoming Amish or Muslim. Not equating the two, just using examples of cultures that emphasize modesty.

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TaraMaiden2

This isn't going to last long, anyway.

 

She's growing up. Finding her feet. Spreading her wings, gaining independence and tiring of 'childish' things.

 

You shouldn't even be thinking of marriage, long-term commitment, kids or anything else until you're both AT LEAST 25.

 

Oh, and if my BF ever dared even think some of the things you put in your letter, he would be an ex- before he could even say 'yes, but....'

 

 

Its up to her what she wears, and i wont force her to do something she does not want to.

The very fact that you mention it will make her self-conscious, embarrassed and worried about your criticism.

 

However i feel like i have the right to have my saying,

No, you don't, absolutely not. Not couched in those terms, you haven't.

 

You have absolutely NO right whatsoever to even judge her or evaluate her based on her clothing.

It's utterly disgusting to believe that a woman should dress in a modest way because her man says so, or because she may be perceived in a certain way.

If others perceive her that way, it's their problem, not hers.

 

As I said, you may have her on a pedestal, but things will definitely change. If she gets wind of this, you can kiss this relationship goodbye an awful lot sooner than you'd think.

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TaraMaiden2

And your letter is so full of contradictions, you only have to read between the lines to understand that what you really mean is "You're parading yourself like a shameless hussy, and I want you to cover up because it might attract other guys."

 

Shorts down to the knees?

Oh please.... for a 20-year-old....?

 

You need to update your principles to bring them in line with modern convention....

 

The more I read it, the more I see how much effort you put into writing it, so as to not come off the complete ass.

 

Just a hint though: You failed....

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Grumpybutfun

Even as a father, after the age of 18, I stopped expecting my daughters to do anything they do not want to do. They are adults now and I have to give them freedom to be who they are even though there are times I cringe. :)

Though you may be passive aggressively giving her a choice in your letter, you have already shamed her by intimating that her shorts destroy the modest girl image you want projected.

Perhaps you two need to grow up and figure out who you are before even considering a future together. I'm not a girl, but I can honestly tell you that if a woman wrote me that letter, I would think she had jealousy, control and manipulation issues.

Good luck,

Grumps

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I would say forget the letter and get some help with your insecurity issues.

She will likely dump you if you start getting controlling with her like this and with good reason too.

You have no right to tell her what to wear, she is an adult.

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A woman's beauty should be preserved for her man...

 

I have sexy clothing and if in a RL, I wear it with/for my man...I mean, I have literally dresser drawers full of sexy thongs and stuff - and a closet full of clubbing clothes. But, even w/o a guy, when I dress sexy, I sure am not dressing like a ho.

 

Women who are on "display" for the world are gonna be headache in more than one area.

 

I was 20 once, I did not wear "short-shorts"...Quite frankly, with all the shorts I wear, I don't think I've EVER worn any. "Coming into your own", establishing independence doesn't imply dressing like a ho. Thing is now a days women have no respect for themselves. Giving boys bjs in the high school bathroom is no longer reserved for "fast" chicks - most chicks just see it as the "norm" now a days. Having sex whenever/wherever is also the norm. They shack-up with dudes w/o even being married. They have no self control/restraint...Same goes with poor taste in dressing.

 

There's many of ways a woman - even a young woman - can dress and pull off sexy w/o being skanky, and IMO, short-shorts equate skanky.

 

Geesh, I wonder if she's gonna discover having her thongs show from low-rise jeans. Is that look still in style?

 

So, IMO, forget the letter...have a sit down convo with her and see what she says. If she doesn't "get it" then forget her. We live in a day/time where people just follow the herd and don't sit down to think if what they're doing makes any sense. If she can't get that wearing short-shorts and putting herself on display isn't something right, then regardless of her age and need to mature - she already is showing that she can't use her head and probably will never mature.

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Also, I do not like the title of this thread...

 

"risky" letter to gf?

 

Pleeeze, men need to be strong and stand up to women. You shouldn't be afraid to approach a subject with her w/o being labeled "controlling" - but that's the day/age we live in...where men have been emasculated and have to put up with bad behavior, lazy, and fat women - just to get laid.

 

Look, if she doesn't like what you have to say..."next".

 

Teach her, and any other woman that her vagina isn't made out of gold and there are ten others out there.

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You can talk to her about your concerns but if I got a letter like the one you are considering, I'd break up with you for sending it to me.

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TaraMaiden2

Gloria25, you have, ijn my opinion, one of the most backward and skewed views regarding women's roles in this day and age, than any other woman I know.

There is so much wrong with your posts... suffice to say your opinions, to my mind, belong in the 1950's....

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Every post you've received on this thread is unanimous, I don't see that very often.

 

I hope you take the advice offered, it's all good.

 

You come across as very controlling, it's like a sermon about values and all that crap. I bet this is just the beginning and if you get married there will be a boatload of other things she'll say and do that will require even more lectures.

 

You're rather controlling, and if you don't find a way to deal with it you're both going to be miserable.

 

If you find other things she does that bother you rather than a long winded email, just freaking talk to her about it. The whole email thing is just totally lame.

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eye of the storm

I wear what I want. I am lucky to live in a society where I have the right to make my own choices.

 

 

In my marriage I had to wear and do my hair the way my H wanted. I was miserable. Now when a man tells me what to wear...I warn once then the second time they are gone. It is a sign of a controlling nature.

 

 

And Gloria, how is he putting up with bad behavior. She isn't robbing banks, she isn't cheating, she is wearing clothes. Clothes she bought.

 

 

He needs to either go back a century, move to a country where women have no rights, or decide to love her as she is or leave her to someone who will love and respect ALL that she is. Short shorts and all.

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Girls have been wearing short-shorts since the 1950's. Here's proof.

vintage everyday: Short Shorts in the 1950's

 

So you are more puritanical than the general populace was in the 1950s, arguably the most conservative decade in the 20th Century.

 

You don't own your girlfriend and get to tell her what to wear. You are not perfect for each other because you are acting like a jealous controlling stick in the mud.

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Girls have been wearing short-shorts since the 1950's. Here's proof.

vintage everyday: Short Shorts in the 1950's

 

So you are more puritanical than the general populace was in the 1950s, arguably the most conservative decade in the 20th Century.

 

You don't own your girlfriend and get to tell her what to wear. You are not perfect for each other because you are acting like a jealous controlling stick in the mud.

 

The argument isn't whether or not they did this in the 1950's. There were skanks back then too - but now a days there's no distinction between a skank and a decent girl.

 

No one is trying to control anyone from what I see here. I've been with controlling guys - trust me. I had one when we were going out to the club, wanted to dictate to me how to dress - and trust me - while I dress sexy, it sure isn't skanky. Mind you, he moved on to the town ho, who's "uniform" was tight jeans, heels, etc and he had no trouble with her "dress" and sat back and watch her dance, flirt, and even get numbers from other guys right in front of him.

 

Ok, we have "freedom" ok...I can go right now and smoke a joint. Is a joint good for my health?

 

So, yes, women can dress however they want - but really, do you really need short-shorts to wear "just because I can"?

 

Pleeeze....

 

Again, just women making drama arguments over nothing and if you don't agree, you're controlling. And, guys who are ok with it are probably cool with getting "free previews" of legs that at one time they wouldn't get unless she was his woman and/or are scared to say anything to women cuz if they do, no vagina for him.

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eye of the storm

This girl isn't making drama arguments. She is just wearing what she wants. Which is her right.

 

 

You mentioned the town ho and talked about her clothes. Tight jeans and heels...since when did tight jeans and heels make someone a whore.

 

 

What you wear does not make you a whore. Just like what you wear does not mean you consent to rape. It is an argument that people (normally men but some women also) use to keep women in their "place".

 

 

Secondary note, what you consider sexy may to someone else be skanky. It is all opinion.

 

 

He has the right (and so do you) to not like short shorts. He does not have the right to make her feel bad about herself in a bid to control her. If he cannot love her as she is, he should move on. She is no longer following the script he has written in his mind. She is no longer the "perfect modest woman" he wants. He should leave her be and move on.

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TaraMaiden2
The argument isn't whether or not they did this in the 1950's. There were skanks back then too - but now a days there's no distinction between a skank and a decent girl.

So I could call you a skank, and I'd be right.....?

 

 

 

No one is trying to control anyone from what I see here.

You're obviously not seeing what every single other poster is seeing!

 

I've been with controlling guys - trust me. I had one when we were going out to the club, wanted to dictate to me how to dress - and trust me - while I dress sexy, it sure isn't skanky.

By your account, that's merely a matter of opinion...

 

Mind you, he moved on to the town ho, who's "uniform" was tight jeans, heels, etc and he had no trouble with her "dress" and sat back and watch her dance, flirt, and even get numbers from other guys right in front of him.

That makes her no better or worse than you. Just different. people make choices, that doesn't make them ho's. How disrespectful can you get...? :rolleyes:

 

Ok, we have "freedom" ok...I can go right now and smoke a joint. Is a joint good for my health?

Fatuous argument. Wearing shorts isn't illegal, smoking a joint often is.

Why do so many people pick flawed arguments to prove their case....? sheesh....

 

So, yes, women can dress however they want - but really, do you really need short-shorts to wear "just because I can"?

Of course! That's the whole point of equality, emancipation and the freedom women fought so long to attain. To give YOU!

 

Again, just women making drama arguments over nothing and if you don't agree, you're controlling.

if that's all you see, you're as blinkered and prejudiced as any misogynist I know. What the heck is wrong with wanting to wear what she wants? Who are you - who is he - to declare her immodest and skanky??

 

 

And, guys who are ok with it are probably cool with getting "free previews" of legs that at one time they wouldn't get unless she was his woman and/or are scared to say anything to women cuz if they do, no vagina for him.
This is so warped and twisted, it's not worth the continued effort addressing.

Quit blaming women for the flawed and lecherous perceptions of men.

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eye of the storm

I am used to some men using arguments like this to keep women in a lower position. But it is for some reason always surprising when I see a woman do it.

 

 

For example it is totally ok for a man to run around with no shirt on but the modesty police show up to crucify a woman who is breast feeding her child.

 

 

I just shake my head at the nuttiness if it all.

 

 

To some cultures just showing your hair is whorish. Eye of the beholder and all that.

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The argument isn't whether or not they did this in the 1950's. There were skanks back then too - but now a days there's no distinction between a skank and a decent girl.

 

No, Gloria. Mainstream teens who were virgins as most girls were back then until marriage wore these shorts and they were not skanks. You can see them in old movies. My sister was the national baton champion back then and her and all her friends wore them. They're just fashion. There's nothing wrong with showing leg! There is something wrong with dictating how your gf dresses.

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Girls have been wearing short-shorts since the 1950's. Here's proof.

vintage everyday: Short Shorts in the 1950's

 

So you are more puritanical than the general populace was in the 1950s, arguably the most conservative decade in the 20th Century.

 

You don't own your girlfriend and get to tell her what to wear. You are not perfect for each other because you are acting like a jealous controlling stick in the mud.

 

Lol..

 

I finally took a look at that link...those are NOT short-shorts...I wear shorts like those...:laugh:

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This girl isn't making drama arguments. She is just wearing what she wants. Which is her right.

 

 

You mentioned the town ho and talked about her clothes. Tight jeans and heels...since when did tight jeans and heels make someone a whore.

 

Oh trust me, she was the town-ho. She never had a "job" and lots of men bearing gifts. She slept with that fool I was seeing once (probably to give him a taste), and after getting $500 and some other things from him, she reported him to his commander for "harassing" her.

 

He, like an idiot, would give her rides to the club and right there she'd be chatting up the international officers and told him that they were all her "friends" and she doesn't know why they are always buying her things...:rolleyes:

 

No, how you dress doesn't necessarily dictate who you are - but it does leave an impression. What kind of impression do you want people to have of you?

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Lol..

 

I finally took a look at that link...those are NOT short-shorts...I wear shorts like those...:laugh:

 

Gloria, take it from someone alive at the time. Those were actually called "short-shorts" and some were right at your panty line. Some of those were not very short, but many wore very short shorts back then. Then a decade later, we wore short miniskirts.

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lana-banana

You seem to have a---for lack of a better term---modesty fetish? This letter reads as though you value your idea of modesty more than you value your girlfriend.

 

"Dear Maria, let me put it this way.

Whenever i describe you to myself or others, i always use the word "modesty".

 

I can't speak for Maria but this would really annoy me. I'd like to know you were telling people about my intellect, my charm, my wit, whatever. Why the focus on modesty?

 

These qualities: modesty and self-respect, are what seperates you from other women in my eyes.

 

And here we've moved from unsettling to red flag territory. If you see all or most other women as immodest and lacking in self-respect, you likely have some serious issues with your perceptions of women in general. Look up the phrase "Madonna/whore complex" and tell me what you think.

 

really appreciate these qualities, and its the reason i dont want you to wear such short shorts Maria. I am fully aware thats its your choice what you wear and dont wear, but please try to see things from my perspective: I dont want to change who you are, your personality, your values or your relations. Rather, i whould never tell you to change who you are for me, because i love you for excatly who you are.

 

This makes no sense. You love her for her personality and values, so why does it matter what she wears? If you aren't telling her to change, then why can't she wear short shorts?

 

In my honest opinion, those short shorts of yours are out of my comfort zone.

 

A crucial moment of honesty: this is all about your feelings, your ego, and what makes you feel comfortable. Why can't your girlfriend do what makes her comfortable, especially when it's really, really hot out?

 

Maria we have been together for almost a year now, and i know you well enough to tell you that clothes like that dont reflect your beautiful modest personality.

 

This line alone would make me break up with you. Sorry, but no one gets to tell me whether my clothes adequately reflect my personality or not. I am pretty sure that she knows herself far better than you do, thanks.

 

Whenever i think of you, i think of modesty and humbleness, not short shorts.

 

As my boyfriend would say: "That sounds like a you problem."

 

I think your other clothes, such as your knee-length shorts are very good looking, they dont show too much, yet they are comfy to wear in warm weather.

 

Nothing is worse than a men's assessment of what women should find comfortable. This kind of thinking is what led to the invention of cardboard tampon applicators.

 

Im not aking you to make big changes, im just asking for a little adjustment in your clothing. And im not forcing you into anything, i will love you whatever your choice might be. I whould however, really appreciate it if you understand me and are willing to compromise, it would mean alot to me Maria.

 

What would "compromise" mean here? Wearing shorts that are down to the tips of the fingers? Wearing short shorts only when you're not around? You don't seem interested in compromise at all: you want her to stop wearing those shorts, period, because you asked her to. It sounds tremendously insecure and controlling. I would not expect a very positive response.

 

Of course you're allowed to have an opinion on your partner's clothes, makeup, etc. (A quick Google search for "my boyfriend won't get a haircut" yielded 801,000 results.) But you don't have those conversations via letter. You talk to them in person like a grown-up.

 

Here is an example of what you can say:

 

"Maria, I love you very much, and that's not going to change, but your short shorts make me uncomfortable. I'm not asking you to stop wearing them; I'm just letting you know they make me uncomfortable and I prefer the longer ones. But I love you regardless of what you wear because I know your clothes don't change the wonderful person you are."

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