Brigit Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I never wanted kids. Everyone told me one day my biological clock would kick in and poof I'd want kids. I'm 46...still don't want them. This isn't always the answer I give when people ask me "why I didn't have kids." I make up excuses like "We didn't have the money...we tried but it didn't happen...I forgot..." Is anyone else childless by choice and do you feel you need to pretend that you wanted kids? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm a bit older than you & childless. I never had a burning desire to have kids. As my bio clock ticked away I thought it might be nice but honestly I wanted teenagers / adult children. I really don't like babies & toddlers. My husband wanted children but he also didn't want the responsibilities of children. He thought his life wouldn't change & I would take care of everything / everybody with no disruption whatsoever in his life. Since he wanted them more than me, that was unacceptable. So while we didn't do anything to prevent children we never did IVF or other expensive fertility treatments. I just shrug & say "it wasn't mean to be" when people ask. I do worry what will happen to me when I'm old & I don't have offspring to be my advocate when I can no longer properly care for myself. At the end of their lives I championed & protected my parents so I do fear that I will be taken advantage of when I'm elderly. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
strawberryshortstack Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I never wanted kids. Everyone told me one day my biological clock would kick in and poof I'd want kids. I'm 46...still don't want them. This isn't always the answer I give when people ask me "why I didn't have kids." I make up excuses like "We didn't have the money...we tried but it didn't happen...I forgot..." Is anyone else childless by choice and do you feel you need to pretend that you wanted kids? I am, and people do ask me why I don't have/want kids, and I am always 100% honest. I don't feel the need to make excuses, because it is, and always has been, MY choice. Not theirs. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Yes, sometimes I feel like I have to "pretend" too... Actually, last nite I was talking with my brother and he was telling me "not to lose faith" and thank God we were texting, cuz I know he didn't mean anything hurtful, but I felt like asking him "What do you mean by 'lose faith'?" Was he implying that my life is to be doomed if I never, ever, have kids? We were chatting about his upcoming kid and I was telling him how happy I was to just be there for them - as my "factory is shut down"...and, that's when he was like "well, there's sperm donor clinics" when I told him I need a husband first...and la-di-da. Yes, children are a beautiful thing, but some of us aren't made out for it. Can you have a rich life w/o children and/or a husband. Yes, but it will just be "different". My last FWB used to do big brothers cuz he had no kids - mind you, he was in his 40's. He - like me - worked, was very active (he did mountain climbing, martial arts/MMA) and volunteered. The only thing sucking in his life was no affection from the wifey. And, IMO, while people who have kids want to sit on their high-horse and act like they have a "life" that revolves around their kids - IMO, they aren't doing anything extraordinary that can't be done my anyone else. And, it's too easy to let your life/identity default into raising kids. And, quite frankly, what a lot of parents call "raising" kids now a days (dumping them off in day care/public schools) makes me wanna roll my eyes on how they still want the world to worship them cuz they have the "title" of parent and literally do not even "raise" their kids. So, us people w/o kids - who consciously decided not to have them - IMO, have more courage and put more effort into having a fulfilling life instead of just defaulting into kids and trying to shove it up other people's noses. Like a few years ago, I remember one occasion where we were at a party at my brother's home. His wife picked up a friend's kid and she was just cooooooing at the baby and was so happy. I just didn't feel it. But, when I go to like PetSmart, doggy parks and stuff, I'll get down on my knees and play and ask questions to a complete stranger about their dog before I'd do the same about a child. Yea, I know where probably my feelings about kids came from - as I grew up in a dysfunctional home and from a young age saw children as a source of misery and being trapped financially and emotionally in a bad situation. At one point, before I got out of the Army and I was a raging Femenazi, my plan was to have a child w/o a man cuz "I could raise that kid better alone, and was gonna do a better job than my parents and men were useless/disposable" and I had the income do do it too...I was ready to drop that thing off to daycare and what not. Thank God All-Mighty that I snapped out of that and when I see Sheryl Crowe, Halle Berry, and people in real life have kids intentionally w/o a husband and father - I wanna slap them cuz now I've matured and realized how kids need an intact home (a "nest") and the stability of a mother and father for proper psychological development. And, how important it is for a mother to "be" there for her kids instead of dropping them off at daycare/public schools. Shoot, this woman called my fav podcaster and my fav podcaster hung up on her cuz the woman said that the kid was in daycare (barely a few months alive) and that she still IS a "mother" cuz of the few hrs she spend with the kid after she gets off of work and picks up the kid from daycare; that dual incomes were needed; and, that her job is important cuz she gets health benefits and makes more than her husband. So, I resolved that if I'm not gonna do it right (be at home for my kid, have a husband and "nest"), I'm not gonna do it at all. And, no, no family is perfect - but I'm tired of seeing people rush into kids/marriage and don't have a dime to their name, shove the kids off on daycare - in other words, they KNEW they weren't ready to have a kid and are just gonna plow through and let the chips fall where they may. Someone commented in a tread that some of us may feel "guilty" that we don't have a family and I wonder if they know what "guilty" means? Guilty means you did something wrong. Your decision to not have kids and add to the world of kids is "how" wrong. IMO, you are sparing that child and the world from misery and doing them a favor by properly planning when/how to have a kid instead of just having kids for the sake of it. BTW, I feel no "guilt" cuz my brother and sisters already gave my parents very beautiful and intelligent grandchildren - so I'm off the hook **whew** So, I'm going on 40 and who knows, if I meet "Mr. Right" and we have at least 3 years of marriage, I "might" consider having a kid or two, but probably will adopt. Eh, but I don't see that happening - cuz like I told my brother - I gotta have a husband first and no prospects for that right now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
strawberryshortstack Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm a bit older than you & childless. I never had a burning desire to have kids. As my bio clock ticked away I thought it might be nice but honestly I wanted teenagers / adult children. I really don't like babies & toddlers. My husband wanted children but he also didn't want the responsibilities of children. He thought his life wouldn't change & I would take care of everything / everybody with no disruption whatsoever in his life. Since he wanted them more than me, that was unacceptable. So while we didn't do anything to prevent children we never did IVF or other expensive fertility treatments. This is pretty much how I feel as well. If I could skip the infant/toddler stage, I wouldn't mind kids. Note that I said "wouldn't mind" - I could go either way. And this is why, when I'm deciding if I want to date someone, I don't pass them up just because they have children of their own, as long as they aren't interested in getting me pregnant. I might even consider adopting a non-infant/toddler with someone, but it's going to take a lot of discussion and debate before it would happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) Sorry for the rant, but I don't "ever" know if one day it's gonna "click" and I'm gonna want kids and/or develop a desire for them. My fav podcaster considers herself a 'recovered femenist'. She's 68 now. In her late 30's she finally decided to have her son and she says now she wished she had more kids and is looking forward to grandkids. In my 20's one time at the obgyn I had a cervical cancer scare (pap then came out normal after biopsy) and seriously thought about preserving my eggs....eh, but that passed. Then, in my mid 30's when I went into a full-blown fight with my doctor - who refused to do the partial hysterectomy on me I believe I'm convinced that I just don't have it in me to desire kids. Oh well, weep whomever wants to weep for me...I'm doing ok, sorry that it upsets you Edited June 16, 2015 by Gloria25 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 As a teacher, I commend everyone that puts lots of thought in to having/not having kids. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Ex and I decided not to have kids, mostly because she was afraid to pass her mental health issues dow. Since that's done, I now feel I'm too old for that stuff and enjoy my life without kids. I'm kind of a "no excuses" guy so it's accept me for who I am or kick rocks. They all accepted me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 As a parent, I commend everyone who puts a lot of thought into having/not having kids. I love it--wouldn't have it any other way. But it is a huge responsibility and commitment, completely life changing, and certainly not for everyone! Especially if you don't truly want the experience. Take it as a compliment if people think you'd be a good parent. It's a nice thing for them to say about you. But there is no need to explain beyond that it wasn't something you desired for your life. People need to accept that different people want different things, and that's what makes the world go around. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 This is pretty much how I feel as well. If I could skip the infant/toddler stage, I wouldn't mind kids. Note that I said "wouldn't mind" - I could go either way. And this is why, when I'm deciding if I want to date someone, I don't pass them up just because they have children of their own, as long as they aren't interested in getting me pregnant. I might even consider adopting a non-infant/toddler with someone, but it's going to take a lot of discussion and debate before it would happen. I am out of this stage...... They leave home in 8+ plus years... Then the TV remote will be mine again......... But it will be gut-wrenching...... Then i get to transfer more money for their college. (All on educational aids not beer and other such hedonistic pursuits) (Like i never made my Mum part with a tenner) But i have no problem with people who choose not have kids. It`s not for everyone. But some of my childless mates are fantastic with mine. They love helping me out when i am in a bind.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm childless and don't want kids and never have. I love kids - other people's kids. It's not that I haven't 'grown up' or that I'm too busy having fun or anything like that. I just actually don't want them, both in terms of no particular impulse and also I'd be reluctant to, given my socio-sexual status. I applaud same sex women and men who have children and are willing to take on that enormous responsibility, but I still have reservations about what kind of life that would be for my children in terms of special challenges. People used to ask when I was settling down and having kids quite a bit but that's tapered off as word has gotten around about my frank answers lol. Much as I try I don't think I could quite get a woman pregnant yet (without third party help). I'm pretty virile tho so maybe one day. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
strawberryshortstack Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I am out of this stage...... They leave home in 8+ plus years... Then the TV remote will be mine again......... But it will be gut-wrenching...... Then i get to transfer more money for their college. (All on educational aids not beer and other such hedonistic pursuits) (Like i never made my Mum part with a tenner) But i have no problem with people who choose not have kids. It`s not for everyone. But some of my childless mates are fantastic with mine. They love helping me out when i am in a bind.... Well, not wanting kids doesn't mean we don't like them. It just means we either don't want the responsibility, or we feel fulfilled enough without them. I adore my nieces and nephews, and love spending time with them. If they lived closer, and I made more money, I would be the aunt who spoiled them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't think you should have to feel like you need an excuse not to have kids. There is no shame in not having kids. It is a personal choice. I have kids, but I have quite a few friends who do not. I certainly do not think less of them. The only thing that bugs me is that SOME childless by choice people think they know everything about how having and raising kids "should be" and like to pontificate from their ivory tower about how people are "doing it wrong." Those people I'd like to punch in the throat. Not because they don't have kids, but because they make such asses of themselves when they open their mouths (or fingers). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 i'm 39. i never wanted kids. i had a phase about 4 years ago - i was deeply in love with someone and that was the only real time i pondered it, but i didn't want it enough. he did, so we split. the theory is nice, but it's not for me. i have never made any excuses - i am straight up about not wanting to be a mother. it's a horrible question to be asked though, and people just don't get that. how often do you hear the reverse asked of people: hey, what made you decide to have kids? it's very insulting, and there are so many people that should have never become parents, but we don't focus on them. we just want to add more to the group. and you know, lots of women just can't have kids for medical reasons, so why should they have to be reminded of that each time they are asked the question? people are quite thoughtless about this issue at times. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm childless and don't want kids and never have. I love kids - other people's kids. It's not that I haven't 'grown up' or that I'm too busy having fun or anything like that. I just actually don't want them, both in terms of no particular impulse and also I'd be reluctant to, given my socio-sexual status. I applaud same sex women and men who have children and are willing to take on that enormous responsibility, but I still have reservations about what kind of life that would be for my children in terms of special challenges. People used to ask when I was settling down and having kids quite a bit but that's tapered off as word has gotten around about my frank answers lol. Much as I try I don't think I could quite get a woman pregnant yet (without third party help). I'm pretty virile tho so maybe one day. I know quite a few same sex couples with kiddies. Their kids are quite normal. (Whatever normal is) Other parents adjust quite quickly. Much more so than people think. Obviously not in `Iran` though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I know this is about choosing to be childless, but newmoon's post reminded me of another of my friends. She had infertility problems, and she was a very private person. People would always ask her and her husband when they were going to have kids, and it just got more painful the longer they were married. This is one of many things that falls into the "none of your business" category. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Nearly 39, no kids and not that bothered until very recently. I absolutely adore every minute I spend with my gorgeous little niece (and even chose my LS handle after her) and I'm also happy I get to hand her back to her parents at the end of the day, and never really thought I'd ever want children of my own - fairly career driven, ended up in RLs with guys who didn't want any, not really maternal, etc. Since meeting my current guy, things have been shifting a bit though, I can't quite explain why. I don't think I'd be devastated if nothing comes out of it but I'll admit to thinking about it (a little bit, in passing) as I'm getting to know my BF better. Maybe just a phase, though because I'm not really sure I'd necessarily act on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I never wanted kids. Everyone told me one day my biological clock would kick in and poof I'd want kids. I'm 46...still don't want them. This isn't always the answer I give when people ask me "why I didn't have kids." I make up excuses like "We didn't have the money...we tried but it didn't happen...I forgot..." Is anyone else childless by choice and do you feel you need to pretend that you wanted kids? I never wanted my own kids, but I do enjoy children. Had thought about adoption at one point, and still think about foster parenting. I'm a fun aunt and step-parent to the men in my life with children. What do I tell people? I tell them that everyone needs a hobby, and having kids hasn't been one of mine. And good for them for taking that on. I genuinely respect responsible, loving parents. Its just not for me, at least right now. Maybe never. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I never wanted my own kids, but I do enjoy children. Had thought about adoption at one point, and still think about foster parenting. I'm a fun aunt and step-parent to the men in my life with children. What do I tell people? I tell them that everyone needs a hobby, and having kids hasn't been one of mine. And good for them for taking that on. I genuinely respect responsible, loving parents. Its just not for me, at least right now. Maybe never. As someone whose horizons were wonderfully broadened by the fun aunt, I applaud you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I'm still young to be considered "childless by choice", but I've never had an interest in having children. I like babies and kids, but I just don't want one of my own. I have no natural instinct or desire to be a mother. I don't make excuses about that either. Everyone who is close to me knows that I have no interest in being a mother. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Childless people can do so much to help kids, if you are a person that genuinely loves them. My parents had their own issues and I would've loved having an aunt or someone just to talk to. I think some kids, especially those with chaotic homes, benefit greatly from bonding with a relative or family friend (one who has their best interests at heart). They need someone to be normal with, and are more likely to confide in them. Kids are cool people to hang out with...funny, spontaneous, curious, honest. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 As a parent, I commend everyone who puts a lot of thought into having/not having kids. I love it--wouldn't have it any other way. But it is a huge responsibility and commitment, completely life changing, and certainly not for everyone! Especially if you don't truly want the experience. Take it as a compliment if people think you'd be a good parent. It's a nice thing for them to say about you. But there is no need to explain beyond that it wasn't something you desired for your life. People need to accept that different people want different things, and that's what makes the world go around. I couldn't have written it any better myself and totally think/say the same way. I have to add that being an older parent is also part of what goes into my thinking.. I absolutely love my son and watching him grow up is incredible, in fact tonight is his second game on the Baseball Allstar team...(Proud Dad) but it is also the hardest thing I've ever done or had to do.. he is 24/7/365 and no shutting down on my part... and at 52 it's even harder to do Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 It is an adult decision and one that needs regarded. Seen both sides of the coin. Sat with those that wanted, and could not, and those that had, and wished they didn't. Neither is without their sides. Just makes it that much more understanding when you do broach the topic on a social level. I do not make issue with it as its not my place. Yet I will take the time to understand the person and respect that about them. In my early 20's, whilst raising two little toddlers, I befriended a gal that was borderline Deficient. She had gotten pregnant, and knew that she wanted to give it up. May I say it humbled my soul to watch her take care of herself, and do the right things thru the pregnancy knowing full well she was giving up her child to a couple that wanted a child. Yes, chances were pretty marked that the child would be slow minded as well, but ya know what, I cry every now and again just thinking about HOW damn smart she really was. She was smart enough to know she couldn't tend to another person, and she barely could tend to herself. So when ever I think there are folks out there that do not know the meaning of love or how to do the right thing...I think of her. We each do the right thing for ourselves and the greater good. Maybe that is the lesson on this matter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Childless people can do so much to help kids, if you are a person that genuinely loves them. My parents had their own issues and I would've loved having an aunt or someone just to talk to. I think some kids, especially those with chaotic homes, benefit greatly from bonding with a relative or family friend (one who has their best interests at heart). They need someone to be normal with, and are more likely to confide in them. Kids are cool people to hang out with...funny, spontaneous, curious, honest. This. So much this. I had a couple of people in my own life who were this for me, and my daughter had this in a friend of mine who, along with her hubby, had chosen to remain childless. I wish we could all get to the place where we realized choices don't have to be just like ours to be good choices. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I wish we could all get to the place where we realized choices don't have to be just like ours to be good choices. Couldn't agree more. Link to post Share on other sites
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