Long Distance Relationship....do they work?

[sad123]

I needed some opinions:

 

Can a long distance relationship work? Why or why not?

[Scott S]

Under certain circumstances yes they can.

 

In order to work, the couple needs to keep in regular contact (phone, e-mail, IM, etc), & spend time physically together whenever possible. There also really needs to be an understanding that the distance element is for a finite period of time. My wife & I were in a long-distance relationship (approx 100 miles apart) for about 11 months. We phoned each other regularly & got together on weekends.

 

On the other hand, depending on the relationship needs of the individuals, there may not be any serious issues. If both are very independent, & not needing a lot of together time, a long-distance relationship may work indefinitely.

 

Personally I would not care for such a situation, though.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Scott S

My wife & I were in a long-distance relationship (approx 100 miles apart) for about 11 months. We phoned each other regularly & got together on weekends.

 

To clarify, this took place prior to our getting married.

[sad123]

Thanks for the post. How about with someone that is 8 hours away?

[Scott S]

You’re welcome.

 

I believe the same guidelines would apply. Of course, the longer distance would make the situation more difficult. Like anything else in life, one’s success is a direct function of one’s desire & motivation.

 

Do you have some idea as to how long your situation will continue?

[sad123]

Well, there is this guy that I really like. We were together for about 7 months and got along great. But we ended up breaking up, however, we still talk. He believes that long-distance wouldn't work because it didn't the first time with us. I believe it would.

 

You know what? It's not like he is adament about it or anything. I think he's more unsure though and scared of getting hurt.

 

What do you think?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by sad123

Well, there is this guy that I really like. We were together for about 7 months and got along great. But we ended up breaking up, however, we still talk. He believes that long-distance wouldn't work because it didn't the first time with us. I believe it would.

 

You know what? It's not like he is adament about it or anything. I think he's more unsure though and scared of getting hurt.

 

What do you think?

 

Originally posted by Scott S

Like anything else in life, one’s success is a direct function of one’s desire & motivation.

 

To elaborate on this point for this particular case, the desire & motivation pertains to both individuals. When Gina & I were in a LDR, we were in a serious relationship. Engaged to be married, to be specific.

 

From what you write, it appears he is not particularly committed to making the relationship. This would make things difficult if you were physically together all the time. How much worse then, with the distance factor.

 

Whether he wishes to be in a love relationship is unclear, but perhaps he wants the two of you to simply be platonic friends.

 

To gain a useful understanding of his feelings, you would need to get him to honestly & openly discuss them with you (Perhaps you have done this already.). Especially if you are considering any significant life-event changes, such as a relocation.

[sad123]

I have tried to get him to open up. He simply doesn't answer when we talk. He remains quiet. I have always told him to open up and say something honestly, (bad or good) and even then he remains quiet.

 

Maybe he does want to be friends and I have brought that up as well. But, he doesn't say anything to that as well.

 

He hasn't really given me an answer....who knows what he is thinking. For some reason, he doesn't trust me. I guess it's because I have broke up with him in the past or maybe he has smeone else....

 

what do you think?

[Scott S]

Interesting.

 

Is it recently that he has acted this way, or has he always been like this?

 

It may not be a question of trusting you so much as it is keeping a guard up. If you have broken up with him previously, he undoubtedly found it a painful experience, & I can certainly sympathize with him not wanting to be so vulnerable again.

[sad123]

I broke up with him because I found that he was not over his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him after 5 years. I met him about a year later and found that he was kind of on the rebound. So, I wanted him to get over his issues before me and him moved on. I think this hurt him but I couldn't be someone who was half-heartedly in a relationship and didn't know what they wanted.

 

I love him and I have expressed that openly. Just recently he has been opening up to me after I told him this. I want him to trust me again.

 

I have never cheated nor after our break-up wanted to be with anyone else. He knows how I am about morals, and values (I am a virgin) and still respected me and wanted to be with me. I want him back...what do you think I should do.

 

P.S. Thanks for your advice...it is very honest and sincere and I really apprciate it.

[Scott S]

First, I should clarify that I don’t fault your reasons for cooling things off earlier. If a relationship is not going the way you hope for, then of course you need to step back, take a hard look at what’s wrong, & determine whether it reasonably can be changed.

 

A rebound is a tricky situation. The person is struggling with many different emotions. The love that s/he once had for the other, the hurt feelings over the end of the relationship, the perceived need to fill the void, & a host of others. Although it’s unwise to over-generalize, rebounds are not known for their successful track records.

 

The trust issue would not be against you personally. Rather, it’s likely a guilt-by-association at some level. His cheating ex is a woman, you also are a woman, so… And yes, I know that seems unfair. You’re right, it is. That’s probably one of the largest issues in the way.

 

Right now, the best thing to do is to keep the dialogue going. He needs to know how you feel, & what all you see as obstacles to the relationship you both hope for.

 

I don’t know whether you’re in a position to do this, but perhaps if you relocated to be closer to him, that would speak greater volumes of how you feel about the relationship than any words you could say to him. Yes, that would be a significant gamble, & only you can decide whether that’s the right thing to do now.

[sad123]

Hey Scott,

 

Sorry I haven't talked to you in a long time. I wanted to update you on my situation with my long-distance ex.

 

Well, ever since you and I have chatted he has called me every week and we have talked for about 1 1/2-2 hours or so. These past few weeks have been the longest talks we have had ever since we have broken up. One day he even got kind of jealous when I mentioned to him that another one of my guy friends had called me to ask me something. He got upset and kept telling me that he (my guy-friend) is in love with me and that if he were there then he would beat him up.

 

It's wierd. I want to see him but when I asked him if he wanted to come down and see me then he was like "no you are too far away". But yet he acts as though he still likes me. Maybe he is still keeping his guard up? who knows.

 

I have also asked him why he really has defined our relationship..he has never said that he wanted us to be friends nor has he ever said that he wanted to break up with me...he just hasn't said anything. I have asked him why he has been able to be upfront with those other girls in the past (if he didn't like them) that things wouldn't work out and that that he wanted to be friends with them...and he remained silent. I further went on to ask him if he has feelings for me and he first replied "I don't want to answer that question". I was like if you don't just say so...it's ok because I want us to be friends..we will still talk. And he kept repeating him "I don't want to answer that quesiton". Finally he answered "I don't know"..."I don't know. And I was like "you don't know how you feel? why don't we meet up to see how you feel....". And he was like "I didn't say that I wanted to figure out how I feel". And I said "you just did...." and he remained silent.

 

He has told me that I am the only girl that he really talks to on the phone and that he hasn't dated any one after me. That struck me as odd because I just thought that he would of...and I asked him why? and he remained silent.

I would think that if most guys don't feel for a girl they would flat out tell them let's be friends or something like that. Now I am confused...does he like me???

 

He still calls me every week...every sunday. What should I get from that....please help me.

[Scott S]

Hello There!

 

Welcome back. I was wondering how things have been going.

 

Goodness. You're confused, you say? Not half as confused as he seems to be. Different people deal with break-ups & rebounds in different ways. Some more quickly than others.

 

It appears to me that he still has not completely gotten past his previous relationship, & unfrotunately he is taking out the conflicting feelings on you. Maybe he still believes there is some outside chance of reconciling with her, & that continuing to see you makes him feel a little guilty. I'm surmising that the reason he won't discuss his feelings is that he really doesn't completely understand them himself.

 

Or maybe he considers you a back-up relationship of sorts, & has not reached the point where he's ready to let go of the old relationship & commit to a new one.

 

With that in mind, I would belay my earlier advice, & wait for more of a commitment from him before making any major life changes such as relocating. At the same time, it may do you well to cultivate other relationships, platoinc friendships with other men. Give yourself the chance to get to know many different kinds of people, & to clarify in your own mind exactly what YOU want in a relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is from platonic friendships that lasting love grows.

 

___________________________________

If you place a mime under arrest, do you still have to inform him of his right to remain silent?

[sad123]

Hi Scott,

 

Thanks for the reply. I have been doing alot of thinking and I agree with your last post. I still do talk with my ex and he actually does want to talk more than once a week and has been opening up to me more. I guess all I can do is just be there for him.

 

I wanted to ask you this though, how come it's so hard for him to tell me what he wants? He has done that in that past with his other exs...but why not with me?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by sad123

I wanted to ask you this though, how come it's so hard for him to tell me what he wants? He has done that in that past with his other exs...but why not with me?

Hello You!

 

Without knowing the man, I can do little more than speculate, based on what I know about men.

 

What I do know is that a lot of men are emotionally reserved to begin with. As boys, we are cultured to be strong & tough, & therefore stoic. Many boys see their male role models (read fathers) acting emotionally detached.

 

In his particular case, he may be reluctant to open up, thereby making himself vulnerable. If he feels he’s been hurt before, he wants to avoid that again.

 

He may also be concerned about what you would think or how you would react. Do you have any tendency to act judgmental about the things he does or says? Are you prone to criticizing?

 

These are amongst many things that cause a man to be more closed.

_____________________________

If you place a mime under arrest, do you still have to inform him of his right to remain silent?

[sad123]

Hi Scott,

 

Thanks for the reply. I don't think that I would criticze what he does or says. I don't even think that I am judgemental.

 

From the beginning I have asked him if he wanted to be friends to just tell me...and he never does. Like I said, he doesn't say anything. He just calls and we talk. I also told him if he doesn't have feelings for me then he should tell me as well...but we can still be friends.

 

I guess that's what I mean when I think "what does he want?"and that's why I am confused.

 

Once again, thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. I wish I didn't fall in love with him...I guess that's why it's hard for me to let go .

[Scott S]

Originally posted by sad123

I don't think that I would criticze what he does or says. I don't even think that I am judgemental.

 

Hi!

 

First, I didn't intend to imply that you were. I hope you didn't take it that way. I was asking if you thought you were.

 

It's possible that the reason he doesn't tell you what he wants is that he does not really know himself. And not wanting to say the wrong thing or to alienate you, he may be cautious about what he says.

 

He may also have some concerns about the distance factor, & whether a relationship would work. As I had posted before, a LDR can work for a time if both are sufficiently motivated to make it work.

 

Perhaps a platonic friendship is the right thing at this time. Stop pressing him for an answer, just let a friendship happen. Meanwhile, work to broaden your own interests & relationships.

[sad123]

Hi Scott,

 

Long time no talk! How are you? I hope you are doing fine.

 

Well, my ex and I will be meeting at the end of March for the first time in 1 year.

 

I am excited as well as nervous and alittle scared. We talk every Sunday night and I guess things are ok. One thing I don't understand is that he won't call me anytime during the week. Only Sundays..isn't that weird?

 

Anyways, I just thought I would let you know. Thanks for all your help. If you have any other insight let me know...I am not really good when it comes to relationships

[Scott S]

Originally posted by sad123

Hi Scott,

 

Long time no talk! How are you? I hope you are doing fine.

 

Well, my ex and I will be meeting at the end of March for the first time in 1 year.

 

I am excited as well as nervous and alittle scared. We talk every Sunday night and I guess things are ok. One thing I don't understand is that he won't call me anytime during the week. Only Sundays..isn't that weird?

 

Anyways, I just thought I would let you know. Thanks for all your help. If you have any other insight let me know...I am not really good when it comes to relationships

 

Hello to you too! I have been wondering about you.

 

The tax season is underway, so my time will not be my own for the next few months. So I haven’t been on the LS board as much of late myself.

 

Meeting for the first time in a year. You mean this being the first time you have seen each other in that long, correct? That is a long time apart. You each will undoubtedly see many changes in the other.

 

There could be several reasons why he doesn’t call during the week. He may not be able to tale the time, the telephone rates may be higher, or other reasons. But why not ask him?

 

_________________________________________

Make something idiot-proof, and they will simply invent a better idiot.

[sad123]

Hi Scott,

 

Well, valentine's day came and went. My ex called me three times but I didn't pick up the phone because I was sleeping. Anyways, he further text message me two hours later and was upset that I hadn't picked up his phone calls.

 

It was so weird. He told me he got me a card and was going to send it.

 

I have never seen him so pressed to talk to me before....he called me again the next day. I wish that we could just be friends now. I want to help him. I still do have feelings for him but you are right...being friends are the best first.

 

thanks for your advice as always!

[Scott S]

Originally posted by sad123

Hi Scott,

 

Well, valentine's day came and went. My ex called me three times but I didn't pick up the phone because I was sleeping. Anyways, he further text message me two hours later and was upset that I hadn't picked up his phone calls.

 

It was so weird. He told me he got me a card and was going to send it.

 

I have never seen him so pressed to talk to me before....he called me again the next day. I wish that we could just be friends now. I want to help him. I still do have feelings for him but you are right...being friends are the best first.

 

thanks for your advice as always!

 

Hi There!

 

Sorry to hear you & your ex didn't connect. I suppose he would be upset, given the day & all. Spending Valentine's Day alone can be somewhat painful. I've been there.

 

I hope that the 2 of you can take some quality time together & discuss the future of your relationship. The distance factor & the fact that you seldom have the opportunity to see each other are not helping anything. Whether you like it or not, these kind of circumstances simply are not conducive to growing a love realtionship.

 

Eventually, you will each have to decide whether you want to be in a love relationship with the other, & if so, how to make it happen. It may be best for you to just be platonic friends, given your circumstances.

 

In any event, you do owe it to each other to be honest, & not be leading the other on by fostering unrealistic expectations.

 

____________________________________________

Make something idiot-proof, and they will simply invent a better idiot.