Whole family completely disapprove of someone I want to date!

[BTS123]

Looking for some outside advice on this one please!

 

I have known this girl from the age of about 14 years of age, I was 16 when I first met her. I'm now 24 and she is 22. I actually met her through my sister who is currently best friends with her but I have now taken an interest in her on a more intimate level and she feels the exact same with me. Since about January this year we have been talking pretty much every day, meeting up as friends etc. She has been in a relationship for about 3 years but has recently split up with her partner who she has a daughter with. Her relationship was a very abusive one and ended in a very bad way but since the break up we have become a lot closer and feel we have something that stretches way beyond just a close friend.

 

When I realized I had feelings for her, the first thing I did was speak to my sister about it. To say she didn't take it well would be an understatement, she pretty much said if I was to get with her it would ruin their friendship completely and they have had a very up/down friendship in the past due to the controlling nature of her ex. She said I can not go there under any circumstances and went on to say my Mum and Dad would not approve one bit because of her own issues and baggage that she carries.

 

The girl I am interested in does have a child with someone else, has a pretty mental ex, has some problems with eating (eating disorder) and does have a broken up family background. The problem is we get on extremely well and the chemistry has been noticed by everyone around me and people constantly come up to me saying we would be great together.

 

In the last week or so my Mum has got wind of the whole situation and has sat me down and said she has a sixth sense and can see a car crash no matter which way she looks at it. She said if I get with her it would ruin my life, she would trap me (get herself pregnant) and it would all end in tears. She has now threatened to sit down with the girl and tell her just how she feels and get her to leave me alone. Another issue is I still live at home so now everywhere I go, I am being watched and can't do anything without being questioned where I am going and who I am with. I have fallen for this girl and do think there is something between us but torn between my family's wishes and what I want.

 

Not quite sure what to do next, I am scared if I go against my parents wishes they will lose all respect for me and I will also lose my sister. But if I don't go ahead with it I might be missing out on something that could potentially be there. At the moment it feels complete lose/lose no matter what I go with. Am i being completely mad or am I just not seeing the bigger picture!!

 

Any outside advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited June 8, 2015 by BTS123
General Edit

[d0nnivain]

I think your parents are somewhat hypocritical. This woman is a life long family friend & good enough to be your sister's friend but not your GF.

 

 

However, some of what your mom said may have validity. Are you prepared to be a father figure to her child with all that entails. What are you prepared to do to prevent another pregnancy & what would you do if she got pregnant?

 

 

On another note, if you dated this girl then broke up how would you handle having to see her all the time as your sister's friend? Simply because NC would not be an option when you broke up I'd steer clear.

 

 

Part of the allure for you may be that she's right there in front of you & you don't have to work to attract her.

[Confused48]

It is natural and good to not want to lose the respect of your family. Most families want the best for each other. However, you should be more concerned about yourself. What do they see that you do not?

 

You are infatuated. It is like an intoxication. They see danger that you are blind to bc of your intoxication.

 

They may be willing and even eager to be this woman's friend, to help her. As good intentioned people often help those they see in need. However they would keep a safe distance. They probably regret letting her close enough to now entice you into what they see as a dangerous (to you) relationship. They want to help her but not at the cost of letting you come to harm. So now they say, if you do take up with her, they will distance themselves from her.

 

Your story ticks off numerous red flags with respect to this woman, other than your family's objections. However, even if all you had was your family's objections you should listen. If your family has not been abusive to you in the past then I would trust them on this. I can't see any reason why they would be against this except that they fear for your well being. I do as well since most people in your situation ignore all red flags and go further down the path of infatuation.

[toscaroscura]

First off, I think your sister is a crap best friend. I mean, perhaps this girl is really dysfunctional, but she shouldn't call herself her best friend and then proceed to talk all this crap about her behind her back, to the man that fancies her. Even if that man is your brother.

 

Second, as long as you still live with your parents you are subject to their rules and whims. They can make your life hell about this woman if they want to.

 

Third! Unless they can point to specific behaviors/attitudes this girl has that are destructive, I think they are full of BS and just judging her on her life choices because they don't agree with them. "She's really abusive and here's why" is WAY different than "Tsk, she has a bad ex and a child, therefore she's damaged goods". Is there any SPECIFIC REASON your mother thinks this girl will "trap you"? Is it simply because she has a child, and in your mother's perfect vision for your life, your future wife must not have a previous child? As a single mom, this attitude chaps my hide and just screams of vague judgmental crap that has no basis in any reality.

 

Lastly. After saying all that and coming to her defense, I will leave you with the following cautionary tale: I once dated a man that EVERYONE ELSE in my life HATED. I defended him, I thought people just couldn't understand him, that they were just being bullies, etc. Looking back, it turns out that everyone else was right about him.

 

Your family might just be a bunch of snobs, but if literally no one likes this girl, you should pay attention and do some serious analysis.

[memom421]

I think Confused stated it best. Your parents love you and sometimes they have a clearer perspective. If this woman has been a friend of your sister's all these years maybe your parents(& sister) are privy to more info than you are. You seem to have a loving family & they sincerely care about you. Maybe the wise thing to do is take a step back & see if you can see things differently (as the rest of your family does). Also, seems like there are a lot of things in this woman's life that need to be settled before she can make a fresh start. Allow her(& her child) the time to do this without confusing the situation more.

memom421

[Quiet Storm]

I think your family loves you and is looking out for you.

 

It would be different if your family knew nothing about this girl. For example, some people in my family had issues when I started dating my husband, who's black. They knew nothing about him or his family, it was all based on their own prejudices. They were wrong and can see that now.

 

But in this case, it sounds like your family knows this girl's history. I would tell my son the same exact thing. Family of origin issues and eating disorders rarely cure themselves- long term counseling is often needed. A crazy ex could also create all sorts of issues for you, and since he is her child's father, he's not going away.

 

Your family is trying to spare you inevitable pain. I know you can't see that because you are emotionally invested, but this girl has issues that she needs to resolve before getting into another relationship.

 

It's not uncommon for women who are leaving abusive situations to seek out a nice, stable, familiar guy to be her anchor through the storm. It doesn't usually turn out well for the guy. Your family wants to protect you from that.

 

You are a grown man and can make your own choices, but I really think your family has your best interests at heart here. If you decide to proceed with her, I would definitely try not to become too emotionally invested. It's likely to be just a transitionary thing for her, and you don't want to end up heartbroken when she dumps you for another jerk. She needs to focus on recovering from her relationship and being a mom right now.

[BTS123]

Many thanks for everyone's help.

 

I spent most of the day Umming And Ahhing on what to do. On one side I have my mum and sister badgering me about speaking to the girl and telling her nothing can develop between us and then on the flip side it isn't what I want to do. I've been in this situation before with my ex of 4 years when my Mum saw I was being taking for a ride and stepped in and basically made me end it, which I did and that was the hardest thing I have ever done. That was after the fact however, this time it is completely different as this is before the fact, nothing has progressed yet.

 

I decided in the evening it is only fair to respect the wishes of my family and explain we can't make anything of this simply because it is just too complicated. I walked away fairly confident I had done the right thing, woke up today and think I have made a massive mistake. I'm always one to try something, it doesn't work, you get the battle scars and you move on. I give everyone a chance to prove themselves rather than be told "this will happen" etc.

 

So now I am more confused than before and I don't want to drag the girl down into this emotional roller coaster especially with the difficult breakup she has had with her ex. I'm not sure whether to just leave it, move on and never know if it would have worked or take the leap, have my family disgusted with my decision and potentially prove them wrong?

[mystikmind2005]

I have to say, your mother seems extremely manipulative, and if your going to worry about what your family thinks about your partners, then i suggest you become a monk and they wont have anything to worry about anymore.

[BTS123]

I have to say, your mother seems extremely manipulative, and if your going to worry about what your family thinks about your partners, then i suggest you become a monk and they wont have anything to worry about anymore.

 

We are a very family orientated, we all run a family business from the property so I'm around them all the time. I've wanted to move out for so long just to get some rest bite from the constant nagging and questioning I get. I think one of their main concerns is actually for the safety of our family due to the fact that the ex bf is violent and they are worried whoever she next goes out with will potentially be a target and he could do something to harm the safety of the family unit.

 

I'm split completely between being selfless for the family and pleasing them or being selfish and doing what I want to actually do in this situation.

[mystikmind2005]

We are a very family orientated, we all run a family business from the property so I'm around them all the time. I've wanted to move out for so long just to get some rest bite from the constant nagging and questioning I get. I think one of their main concerns is actually for the safety of our family due to the fact that the ex bf is violent and they are worried whoever she next goes out with will potentially be a target and he could do something to harm the safety of the family unit.

 

I'm split completely between being selfless for the family and pleasing them or being selfish and doing what I want to actually do in this situation.

 

It is never selfishness to go about living your own life, it is selfish to get in the way of that tho. I think you and your family might be a bit confused about what it means to be a grown adult.

 

certain wildlife such as bees have worker drones who's sole purpose is to serve the family. they do not breed or have their own life purpose.

[Confused48]

I totally disagree with Mystik. When a mother sees her child about to make a huge mistake, she has to say something. That is not manipulative. The OP here never said anything that indicated the mother was being manipulative. She is just speaking her mind. Being a mother. To say she can't speak up when she sees danger is ridiculous. The OP never indicated that there was some personal gain in it for the mother if OP were to avoid this woman.

 

OP, whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you know your family is just looking out for you. There is no evil intent from them to deny you some great relationship. They just are seeing all the red flags you pointed out. They may even know of more that they can't tell you about bc they have known her better than you and don't want to smear this woman.

 

You say you might want to go for it and then if it does not work out, well you will learn from that. I know it is hard, maybe impossible, to stop yourself once you get into the infatuation stage of a relationship, but believe me, there are some things you don't want to learn the hard way.

 

I'd say you do not want to learn the hard way why not to get mixed up with women that were abused for 3 years and are just fresh out of an abusive relationship by having a kid with one. You could be tied to this woman for the rest of your life if you have a kid with her. She could go back to her abuser, or find a new one, and you would still be tied to her. Think about it. Statistics show that women that were abused, that did not get counseling, go back to their abuser or find a new one. You are likely just the nice guy to temporarily save her before her next go around. If you are not the abusive type you won't hold her interest for long.

[whichwayisup]

This girl has issues and JUST more or less broke up with the father of her child and they had an abusive relationship. Do you really think right now is good time to have a relationship with her? She's emotionally damaged, she needs time to be on her own two feet and work through some stuff. It would be an extremely unhealthy relationship if you were to get involved with her right now. Your parents see this and that's another reason why they are concerned.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think your parents are somewhat hypocritical. This woman is a life long family friend & good enough to be your sister's friend but not your GF.

I think there's a HUGE difference between this woman being a friend of the OP's sister and the OP getting involved with this train wreck. The sister being friends with her doesn't impact her life or her future. The OP, however, probably wouldn't be nearly as lucky.

 

While I agree you're a little too old to be told what to do by your parents, I think they're dead RIGHT on this one. I wouldn't be too happy at ALL back when my son was 24 if he'd gotten involved with a girl who didn't have her sh*t together, already had a kid at 22 AND an unstable ex to go with it (that alone is reason enough to avoid this girl like the plague), and an eating disorder on top of it.

 

Ugh.

 

Seriously. Don't do it. I agree with your mother that you're going to do something stupid like get her pregnant and be stuck to her for life. Don't do it.

[Lois_Griffin]

I totally disagree with Mystik.

I'm with you - totally disagree.

[BlueIris]

She has been in a relationship for about 3 years but has recently split up with her partner who she has a daughter with. Her relationship was a very abusive one and ended in a very bad way ...

 

... has some problems with eating (eating disorder) and does have a broken up family background....

 

Would you advise your friend to get sexually involved with someone like you've described above? Add in that your family is aware of her personality and situation, and they might be right. I think they are right. Sexual desire (aka "chemistry") can make people look at facts like this and say, "none of that matters." But it does matter. Her life is messy right now and she needs to get it stable rather than latching on to another guy.

[sandylee1]

I understand where your family is coming from. I wouldn't necessarily have wanted my brothers dating my friends. It's either you break up or get married /become life partners. Chances of it being the former are higher IMO why go there only to cause disruption and strained relationships.

 

I don't agree that your parents are being hypocritical or that your sister is a bad best friend.

 

The girl has more baggage than they want you to deal with . There must be loads of other girls besides your sister's bestie. Their girlie chats about boyfriends goes out of the window, as most people don't want the details of a sibling's love life.

 

It will be more trouble than it's worth.

[BTS123]

Thanks for everyone's input so far.

 

It's a rather complicated situation I've found myself in, having to pick between what my family think is best for me and what I think is best, isn't somewhere I expected to be when it came down to my potential partner especially after the saga that was my ex.

 

When I am around her all I can do is smile and my family don't see that side. I realize it is very difficult for them not to judge her on her past and even though the red flags are there, I know how happy she is when I am around her and it could most definitely be something i could embark on regardless of the baggage that surrounds it. I have learnt from my previous relationships, the traits and warning signs when someone isn't being completely honest and open with me. There are plenty of other fish in the sea but when I am around her it just feels natural and right. I generally go off my gut instinct and base my judgement on that. As much as I don't want to go against my parents wishes, I also don't want to find myself wondering "what if". I guess only time will tell me what I should do but I do feel we have an extremely strong bond as I have known her for 7 years.

 

Thanks for everyone's help, if anyone has been in a similar situation or wants to provide more advice it will be greatly appreciated.

Edited June 10, 2015 by BTS123

[pteromom]

Are your family ALWAYS over-involved and negative like this, or is it specific to this girl?

 

If they are like this about everyone, then I wouldn't put too much stock into their opinion.

 

But if they are usually supportive and nice, but are only like this about HER, I would consider their opinions.

 

Your sister is her friend. She likely knows all the details about this girl's past relationship and her part in its demise.

[pteromom]

When I am around her all I can do is smile and my family don't see that side. I realize it is very difficult for them not to judge her on her past and even though the red flags are there, I know how happy she is when I am around her and it could most definitely be something i could embark on regardless of the baggage that surrounds it.

 

But who is she when she isn't happy? Because no relationship is happy ALL the time. Her stating her past relationship is abusive could mean that her ex was truly abusive and she was just a victim, or it could mean that she and her ex had horrible fights because they are both bat-sh** crazy, and she writes off her part because he is abusive.

 

I have learnt from my previous relationships, the traits and warning signs when someone isn't being completely honest and open with me.

 

It's not about being honest and open. It could be that she is truly happy around you. It could also be that when she isn't, bad things happen.

 

There are plenty of other fish in the sea but when I am around her it just feels natural and right. I generally go off my gut instinct and base my judgement on that. As much as I don't want to go against my parents wishes, I also don't want to find myself wondering "what if". I guess only time will tell me what I should do but I do feel we have an extremely strong bond as I have known her for 7 years.

 

In the end, your life is yours. Your parents and sister may be trying to protect you, but some lessons you have to learn the hard way.

[spiderowl]

If you really feel there is something special with this girl, then it's up to you to decide not your sister or parents. If you do decide to take it further, you may end up having to move out of your parents' home, so you'd need to take that into consideration and prepare.

 

Having said that, if your family are all against this, maybe they have seen something you haven't. If you are attracted to her, you will see the best in her. She may have been a train wreck up until you and she started spending more time together again. I think it's worth listening to what they are saying and thinking about it. What exactly are they worried about? What alternatives do they see for you that they think would be better? I guess I am wondering what the root cause of their fear is.

 

Your sister could be put off because this is a close friend and she'd feel she would lose if you and her friend became an item. She wouldn't feel able to confide in either of you because you'd speak to each other! Or, your sister might think this girl has a tendency to attract trouble and that this won't get any better. If she ends up in a relationship with you - a nice, loving guy - then you may end up being plagued by the ex (because she somehow doesn't discourage him from contacting her) or in the middle of some other unwanted, three-way relationship with someone else she just happens to 'attract'. Sometimes friends can see when someone is inadvertently attracting trouble into their life.

 

What is the history of this girl? Has she had more than one abusive relationship? If so, ask yourself why she attracts this kind of person. Has her background been stable? If she has an unstable background and has had several abusive relationships, then you may well be in for trouble. It's not worth getting your heart broken over someone who is only going to be with you until they meet someone who gives them the excitement and drama they crave. If she is a person who craves drama, then you would be another player in the drama, something you wouldn't realise until the others players appeared on the scene and you are suddenly all in a crisis.

 

She might be a lovely person who just needs a nice guy, but look at her history and the way she deals with situations. Does she get rid of anyone causing trouble or are they popping in and out of her life constantly? Just look before you leap.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't really think it's the opinions of your family you need to be worried about here, you're a grown ass adult and it's time you make your own romantic decisions. I did think that perhaps your Mom means well but is just overprotective until I read that you think she 'made' you end a four year relationship. Nobody can MAKE you do anything, and by blaming your decisions on your Mom you're setting yourself up to be a serious Momma's boy. Why is your parent trying to interfere in your romantic life? That's seriously unhealthy. Granted, you live with them, so it's more understandable than if you lived alone but it's still plain weird.

 

The real worry here is whether YOU want to get involved with her, when she has an abusive unstable recent ex. They have a child so he will forever be in your life, and if he's anything like the abusive men I know, you could be in serious danger depending on his whims. You sure you're not just in Captain save-a-ho mode here? She seems like a train wreck, a single Mom so young who has already made bad choices in relationships and I presume doesn't have a secure, well-paid job. Other than the crazy chemistry, what do you actually see in her as a future partner or wife?

[memom421]

BTS123

 

Is there a mature man outside of your family that you may be able to go to & discuss this with? Like a former teacher, pastor or coach? Sometimes we're too close as a family to see the whole picture objectively. There seems to have been a lot of sound advice here but maybe you need to talk to someone you know & trust? Hope you feel blessed in knowing how much your family cares about you.

memom421

[preraph]

The first thing is you need to move out. You can't expect to be treated like a man while you're still living with mommy. After that, you can make your own decisions.

 

But your mom warning you about her trapping you is good advice. She can't trap you as long as YOU always use your own contraception. Don't ever leave it up to her and take her word for it. She's gotten pregnant once with an abuser, so she has no qualms about bringing a child into a bad situation -- and I have to say that that is the main red flag. She probably knew he was abusive and brought a child into it anyway, which is immoral. So at the very least, either don't have sex with her or always wear protection and I don't just mean pulling out or timing it. Wear big-boy protection. Nothing else works.

 

Date her for awhile after you move out and don't have sex and don't jump into anything. She probably does have a bunch of problems.

[Pompom]

Try and get your parents to say that they just want you to be happy, then tell them your girlfriend is what makes you happy.

 

Also, ask yourself what your mission in life is. To get your family's approval, or to life your own life by your own standards and by what you feel you need? If they can't respect that, overtly question their love for YOU rather than THEIR illusion of a You that fits their wishes for THEIR lives.

[Fleur de cactus]

It so hard when you feel in love and you cannot live with the person you loves. However, Unless you think that your family try to control you all the time, I dont see any wrongdoing in your family's stand. Your sister may know more than you know or see about the girl. Girls share so much secrets that they cannot disclose to someone else unless it is necessary. Your sister knows her friend very well, and she may be right in discouraging you in dating her friend. Between my female best friend and my brother, I would choose my brother and would warn him about the difficulties he is facing if he dates my friend. You sister is not doing anything wrong.

 

If you are family oriented, you should be able to sit together and talk openly. You can make your decision the way you think is good for you and not for the family, but you have to remember that the family loves you and is trying to stop you from falling into a precipice. I would do the same if I was your sister or mother. I think you are considering to listen to your family because you know that what the family is saying is more likely to be true.

 

Right now you do not see clearly but give yourself some time. Are you able to see the girl without being emotionally involved? because if she is pregnant, it will be another story and the way you described the situation, that girl needs more clinical help and not a lover.