bobbyboy1988 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 (edited) So, in short, this is my story. Years ago i met this girl and i totally fell for her. We played hot and cold a lot and it started to get exhausting to me. In the meanwhile i met her friend who i also liked a lot, i didnt feel the same level of infatutation as for the first girl but i liked her a lot more as a person. We kissed, but i still felt in love with the first girl. So i decided to give the first girl one more chance and told her i wanted us to be something. She refused but later when i told her that i kissed her friend she went ape**** crazy...I didnt care that much anymore, there was too much emotional turbulance there and i didnt feel good at all. I focused all of my attention to the second girl and we became boyfriend and girlfriend and still are to this day. The first girl ended up in a relationship soon after too. Years have passsed and i always felt that the first girl was not totally over me even though we agreed to stay friends ,she made small "attempts" all of the time and last week she finally told me "I love you". The thing is i myself feel confused emotionally. I feel like i have a strong emotional bond with both my girlfriend and her friend. I definitively love my girlfriend but i think i may also love the other girl. It seems to me that i love them in different ways, but both ways are romantic and non-platonic (even though i have always,even in the begining felt a lot more sexually attracted to my current girlfriend and more interested in her personality, but more infatuated with her friend. Weird huh? I also have a lot more common interests with my gf). I really dont know if the feelings for the other girl are actually love? Can you really romantically love two people in the same time? Is it possible it is a mix of nostalgia,heartbreak trauma and fondness? How do i identify what my feelings for her exactly mean? I know i do care what happens to her,if she feels happy or hurt etc. And she is probably the only woman i care about that way expect my girlfriend. I actually want her to be happy in her relationship,even if it isnt with me. Because i cant really imagine leaving my girlfriend for her, we have developed such a bond that it is virtually unbreakable. But on the other hand i cannot negate what i feel for the other girl either. What should i do about it? I have a feeling she will soon want to discuss our past fling and what to do in the future. Is it possible to stay in good terms with her and providing a minimum of affection without that being emotional cheating towards my girlfriend, and also not agitating further frustration from the other girl? I feel like i tapped into the biggest taboo of western society, not just having the One, but having TWO. OR am i just confusing other feelings for love? Either for one girl or the other? ANY advice would be more than appreciated since i feel like im loosing perspective Edited June 3, 2015 by bobbyboy1988 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 While it is possible to romantically love two people, it can get complicated. The only way you can do this long term is to do so ethically, which means with the knowledge and agreement of both women. That's called responsible non-monogamy or polyamory. Trying to keep your girlfriend and string along another is cheating - no doubt about that. Make a choice between them, or make the other a platonic friend after disclosing your past associations to your g/f and she gives you the okay, or discuss (first with your g/f) the possibility of polyamory. If you do the latter, remember that this gives the women the same options as you want - to have other b/fs. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 When it comes to women, 99% of the time 1+1=0 Lets review.... 1+1=0 ... do you want to be alone? Stick with your girlfriend, realize the feelings for the other girl are fools gold, and i hope you are not a fool? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobbyboy1988 Posted June 3, 2015 Author Share Posted June 3, 2015 But can i be friends with her? if she loves me even after 4-5 years had passed (or at least says so) and even if i feel something too? Do i try surpress the feelings or do i acknowledge them, but if i acknowledge them how do i not act upon them,at least providing emotional comfort? mistik - what do you mean exactly by saying my feelings for the girl are fools gold? (im not a native english speaker) Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 Please read central's comments about polyamory. It's a thing. You'd need to find out if both women are agreeable to a poly relationship. (Unlikely if the topic's never come up before.) If they are, then you can (conceivably) have two GFs. If not, forget this notion of being semi-romantic with the other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
RJays7 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 If you love your current gf and have been happy with your relationship, why would you risk losing that? It sounds like you have a great connection with her and really love her. You stated that the other girl was too exhausting and that is the reason it ended, do you really want to go down that road again? It sounds like you are infatuated with the first girl and not in love at all. Whatever you decide, open and honest communication is always the best. RJays7 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 No offense to you OP but I doubt it's love. Hot and cold is just drama play, and doing "attempts" isn't better. It just sounds like the first girl has self-esteem issues and simply HAS to win you over. And no, there's no friendship possible with someone who obviously wants more than that. You either cut her off or you dump your girlfriend and be with the dramaqueen (perfectly titled as "fool's gold" by the way) to learn it the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 If you love your current gf and have been happy with your relationship, why would you risk losing that? It sounds like you have a great connection with her and really love her. You stated that the other girl was too exhausting and that is the reason it ended, do you really want to go down that road again? It sounds like you are infatuated with the first girl and not in love at all. Whatever you decide, open and honest communication is always the best. RJays7 Agreed.... I don't think anyone "looooves" anyone here. Infatuation, lust, hornies, emotions...but not "love". My fav podcaster describes "love" as "awe, admiration, and respect". From what you posted, none of you have experienced that. You "like" your gf and are dating her. Girl one, IMO, is probably in a "oh, now I want him cuz after blowing him off it pisses me off that he's kissing another chick". I mean, for her to declare "love" for you and you two haven't even dated? Ooook... I believe you have "feeelings" for both, but I do not know what those feelings are based on. It is normal to have attraction to more than one person at a time - feelings even. But, IMO, there's nothing there with Girl #1 except you probably entralled with fantasies about what a ride on a merry go round will be with her. Look, when we're young, we shouldn't take dating so freakin' seriously...don't be having sex all over. Actually take the time to get to hangout, get to know people w/o the false intimacy that sex creates...do that with several chicks and when you are older and mature, you can better define what you are seeking in a mate (likes/dislikes, dealbreakers) and I think you - one day - can understand "why" you feel a certain way about a chick (or two chicks in this case) and make an informed/mature decision on who to pick. Cuz, unless you are gonna enter into some polyamory thing or one chick would agree to be your girl on the side, you got a decision to make - which is "pick one"...Cuz, no matter who you pick, till the day you die, there's always gonna be someone hotter, sexier, smarter or whatever than you and what you got. Maturity and wisdom comes in when you recognize what you have and not lose your head over every little piece of behind that you cross paths with. Now, like others said - if wisdom and maturity shows you that you are not content with your SO (current and future ones) then again, you got a decision to make. Link to post Share on other sites
10thengineerharrison Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Is it possible? No. It only seems like it might be because you're overcome with emotions about these two girls and keep wanting to tell yourself that it is love, when what you're doing to both of them isn't loving at all. Love is a conscious choice, it isn't a feeling. Romantic love is nothing more lofty than brain chemistry. How do you deal with it? You grow up and take responsibility for your actions and do the right thing by both girls and choose to be faithful to one and thus honor the other as a person by not manipulating her anymore. -10th Engineer Harrison 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 But can i be friends with her? if she loves me even after 4-5 years had passed (or at least says so) and even if i feel something too? Do i try surpress the feelings or do i acknowledge them, but if i acknowledge them how do i not act upon them,at least providing emotional comfort? mistik - what do you mean exactly by saying my feelings for the girl are fools gold? (im not a native english speaker) Wikipedia says "The mineral pyrite, or iron pyrite, also known as fool's gold, is an iron sulfide with the chemical formula FeS2. This mineral's metallic luster and pale brass-yellow hue give it a superficial resemblance to gold, hence the well-known nickname of fool's gold." So foolish prospectors see fools gold and it looks like real gold to them so they spend all their effort to obtain it but in the end after all that effort, they find out it is not worth anything. So the use of the term fools gold is very popular to describe any human endeavor where a person puts allot of effort toward something that has far less value than what they think it does. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 4, 2015 Share Posted June 4, 2015 Wikipedia says "The mineral pyrite, or iron pyrite, also known as fool's gold, is an iron sulfide with the chemical formula FeS2. This mineral's metallic luster and pale brass-yellow hue give it a superficial resemblance to gold, hence the well-known nickname of fool's gold." So foolish prospectors see fools gold and it looks like real gold to them so they spend all their effort to obtain it but in the end after all that effort, they find out it is not worth anything. So the use of the term fools gold is very popular to describe any human endeavor where a person puts allot of effort toward something that has far less value than what they think it does. I sooooo love this song from Amy Winehouse - "Fools Gold". It was from one of the Sex and the City movies' soundtrack and sooooo applies!!! Whenever I hear it, I shed a tear!!! Enjoy!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author bobbyboy1988 Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 (edited) thanks for the answers folks. I am 99.9% inclined to stay in a monogamous relationship. I doubt any of them would want poly, they have to strong egos to share a man.And i dont even want to risk hurting my gf by suggesting something like that. That being said, i do feel really sad that the other girl will feel hurt by my decision. I do know she is a drama queen and that there is a posiblity that she doesnt even love me but as someone said - has to reboost her ego and get me. But i dont know why she would risk her longterm relationship just for that? But i guess even if she does love me and if i cant give her what she wants its better to set her free somehow. Maybe both she and I need some sort of closure since we never really had any. But i dont know how exactly to get it? Is it even possible? I would hate to kick her out completely out of my life. Would a online chat every few months just to catch up and 2-3 encounters at parties a year be too much and counterproductive? P.S. Maybe to clarify things more - i am a person who lives things and emotions through songs,and one of the reasons i got the idea i might love both is the reasons that when i listen to some love songs they both come to mind,its like their pictures flicker interchangably in my head Edited June 5, 2015 by bobbyboy1988 Link to post Share on other sites
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