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Another one bites the dust :)


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Started messaging with a woman on the dating site last week. We messaged a few times and then out of the blue she gave me her number stating that she hated communicating through the dating site(which I agree). So the next few days we texted each other. I told her I'd be home Monday from work, and that I'd give her a call either later Monday night(being it was a holiday I had prior plans with family) or Tuesday. Later Monday night I sent a text telling her I wouldnt be home till late, and that I'd hit her up Tuesday. She replied that it was fine. Tuesday I text her late afternoon, she says she's gonna go for a run later about 8 and that we can chat when she gets back. Around 8:30-8:45 or so she texts me and says she ready to go for her run. An hour or so later she texts me that she has to get a shower and is tired, but to hit her up Tuesday, because she'll have more time to talk. Late Tuesday afternoon I send a text message....no reply. 4 days go by. Never hear from her. Today I send a message thanking her for her maturity and how she just straight up ignored me. She replies and tells me that she "was busy".

 

Its just the same thing over and over. Its like every woman I interact with passes the same script off to the next, because they all pretty much follow the same routine. We message on the dating site, we exchange numbers, I try to set up a convenient time to call, and then they disappear, never to be heard from again for days, until "I" make contact again, and then they tell me they were "busy"(never anything specific its always the generic "busy"), and act like I'M the one in the wrong for calling them out on it.

 

And then on top of all this....She still expected me to continue what we had started. Like I'm supposed to just sweep it all under the rug. SHE was the one that told me to get a hold of her on Tuesday so we could talk. Yet she instead chose to disappear. And you know damn well that I never would have heard from her today if I didnt contact her. Yet she acted like she did nothing wrong.

Edited by Male
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All of this is over a phone call? It's annoying that she ignored your last text, but how much devotion do you think she owes you? She's a stranger who you just started communicating with last week. Breaks in conversations are going to happen. Maybe you'd do yourself a favor by not expecting so much from new people you interact with and not placing so much importance on "setting a date" for a simple phone call.

 

[...]and act like I'M the one in the wrong for calling them out on it.

 

I mean, you kind of were in the wrong by sarcastically thanking her for her maturity and for ignoring you. That wasn't necessary. You don't need to scold people or act out against them when they don't behave the way you want them to. Just move on.

 

As an aside, have you ever read threads/posts on here by confused men who go, "Why does she even respond to me on OLD if she's not interested?" One big reason is because of people like you who will throw mean-spirited comments her way if she goes quiet and doesn't respond.

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La.Primavera

If you keep meeting women who are wasting your time then you need to figure out why this is happening.

 

Is there a particular type of characteristic you are attracted to in women, such as arrogance or aloofness maybe? If they share similar traits that could be a clue.

 

Another possibility is the way in which you meet them. With online dating it can be difficult to really get a sense of how genuine a person is. You may be wasting time on people you wouldn't bother getting to know if you met them in person. If that is the case maybe you should try another method of dating or be more selective.

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TaraMaiden2

One important little bit of advice:

 

STOP Texting.

 

START Talking.

 

Enough with all these dumb, written misconstrued, non-verbal, impersonal, detached and entirely distancing micro-letters.

 

Time to open the mouth and use the vocal chords.

 

Texts have their uses, sure.

 

"Be there in 5, train running late".

 

"Shall I buy a bottle of wine?"

 

"Red peppers, green, or mixed?"

 

Anything else, should be communicated using the same method we've been using for thousands of years.

 

From Grunts to Grammar, the spoken language has all you need to ensure more success than you're clearly currently having....

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trippi1432
One important little bit of advice:

 

STOP Texting.

 

START Talking.

Enough with all these dumb, written misconstrued, non-verbal, impersonal, detached and entirely distancing micro-letters.

 

Time to open the mouth and use the vocal chords.

 

Texts have their uses, sure.

 

"Be there in 5, train running late".

 

"Shall I buy a bottle of wine?"

 

"Red peppers, green, or mixed?"

 

Anything else, should be communicated using the same method we've been using for thousands of years.

 

From Grunts to Grammar, the spoken language has all you need to ensure more success than you're clearly currently having....

 

Disagree......................................

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I guess nothing you said in those texts made her want to continue the exchange.

OR she met someone else, on her run maybe???

OR she just couldn't be bothered with the whole texting game

OR she has other things on her mind just now.

OR she hasn't got over her ex

OR she IS busy and she doesn't need the hassle of some guy texting her.

OR she doesn't like talking on the phone - low self esteem, phobia, poor conversational skills, bad accent etc.

OR a hundred other reasons.

 

 

BUT women do like to see some interest from a man, so by choosing your family and ducking out on that Monday night call, you put her down the priority list and although it is somewhat ridiculous that she would expect you to put her (a stranger) before family, by the same token it may show her that you weren't that interested in her.

You could speak to or hang out with family at any time, so if she IS this new exciting girl you just met, then why would you shove her to the back of the queue? I guess she may also have thought "family" was code for another date and the fact you didn't call, means you were otherwise occupied...

She then batted back a postponement, then binned you.

You then show your "true colours" and she breathes a huge sigh of relief. Bullet dodged.

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Texting to arrange a call is very tedious. I do this for work purposes only. Because it's a great initial way to book an appointment. There's also a lot of back and forth "organising a simple call" - which I tell you everytime pisses me off but also like because I wanna delay that call so much. But for a date a first call, arranging it like that gives room for insecurities and judgements. "Why doesn't he just call me?" Your lack of urgency and forthrightness means you don't desire her much to bother calling. Or your not confident. She was already forthright with you and gave her number asap. You were too slow.

Edited by Keats
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Today I send a message thanking her for her maturity and how she just straight up ignored me.

 

This may be where you lose them.

 

If it is your habit to send this type of a text to every woman you are trying to communicate with who doesn't behave as you see fit this may explain why the same thing happens every time.

 

If I received a text like that from some guy I had never met who was supposedly trying to get to know me, my first thought would be "F*** You!" and I would stop responding to any further texts.

 

Maybe try to just be a little bit more patient. If you try a few times to arrange a time to call and it seems that they are blowing you off, just stop texting them and wait to see if they come to you. If they do, great. If they don't just move on. No need for the insults.

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loveweary11

Whoa.

 

Sometimes texts don't even make it. You can't lay into someone for missing one text if you plan on ever seeing them again.

 

Blew this one for sure.

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loveweary11
One important little bit of advice:

 

STOP Texting.

 

START Talking.

 

Enough with all these dumb, written misconstrued, non-verbal, impersonal, detached and entirely distancing micro-letters.

 

Time to open the mouth and use the vocal chords.

 

Texts have their uses, sure.

 

"Be there in 5, train running late".

 

"Shall I buy a bottle of wine?"

 

"Red peppers, green, or mixed?"

Anything else, should be communicated using the same method we've been using for thousands of years.

 

From Grunts to Grammar, the spoken language has all you need to ensure more success than you're clearly currently having....

 

 

This part I can agree with. Phones are a very new invention in human history.

 

"Shall I buy a bottle of wine?"

 

"Red peppers, green, or mixed?"

 

"How is your week going?"

 

"Check this out....(send mms pics)

 

"What are you doing on Friday?"

 

"Want to go to blah blah?"

 

"Awesome, see you then!"

 

Then talk in person, as we actually have been doing for thousands of years. The telephone is a rather new invention as well no visual component and poor audio quality. Now I can send pictures of things I take as well as talk real time, seeing a person's face on snapchat.

 

Why would I speak through a completely non visual apparatus with poor quality audio when there are so many more visual options, including face to face?

 

My personal opinion only of course

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salparadise
Its just the same thing over and over. Its like every woman I interact with passes the same script off to the next, because they all pretty much follow the same routine.

 

...still expected me to continue what we had started. Like I'm supposed to just sweep it all under the rug.

 

I think every guy who has done online dating––the ones who've gotten past the zero response problem––has had to deal with similar antics. I have my perception... I think it's the fairy tale crap where she plays coy and aloof. It's what elaine was alluding to when she said, "women do like to see some interest from a man." It's a passive aggressive way of saying, I'm not going to make this easy for you; I'm in control because I own the vagina, I'm special and you're not so you're going to have to jump through some hoops.

 

Some actually are disinterested because they've got several guys on the string at once, and some are just playing cat and mouse and trying to get you to pursue in a certain way that elevates their self-esteem/ego. It's mostly bull$hit but you do have to figure out how to deal with it, and how far you're willing to go before you write'm off.

 

Here's a message I sent last week-

Alright Tammy- I'm going to speak directly now. I've initiated contact two different times and you responded positively both times, and then you just quit. You keep coming back and viewing my profile (10 times total). I've made the effort to start conversations leading to an actual meeting, but I don't get the inconsistency. Would you be kind enough to clue me in?

 

She responded saying that she might be up for meeting sometime (vague). I said, ok how about xyz restaurant wednesday at 6:30. She accepted and we met. Well, her pics were 10 years old, she had gained considerable weight, her speech lacked sophistication, did not live where she said she did... and she wore a decidedly unflattering, spaghetti-strap, party dress that was inappropriate for the venue or a woman of her age and figure. Pffffffft!

 

Bottom line, women with this catch me if you can mentality are living in la la land. Smart, educated, progressive women don't play games, and in my experience they'll hold up their end of the conversation and want to meet sooner rather than later to see if there's a connection.

Edited by salparadise
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Smart, educated, progressive women don't play games, and in my experience they'll hold up their end of the conversation and want to meet sooner rather than later to see if there's a connection.

 

From where I sit, my issue is with men (some who have contacted me, others I have contacted first) who play around with texting and weird fauxlationship stuff where they just like having a text buddy and there's no desire to actually meet. Not meeting up with people who do this is probably best I think....

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Art_Critic

IMO, it was you who started the disinterest when you didn't call her on Monday when you said you would..

I think you set yourself up for failure by not following through with what you said you would do, while everyone gets busy the expectation is already set when you tell someone your timeline and then you back out with you were tired, she put you in the bin at that point and then sending the text about her being immature which was immature in itself just re-affirmed her view of you.

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All of this is over a phone call? It's annoying that she ignored your last text, but how much devotion do you think she owes you?

 

SHE was the one that TOLD me to get a hold of her Wednesday so we could talk on the phone! (I screwed up the timeline in my original post. Monday was the cookout, Tuesday she said we'd talk after her run, She even sent a selfie to me all geared up for her run on her way out the door, Tuesday after her run she told me hit her up Wednesday because she'd have more time to talk, Wednesday I sent the message to see whens a good time for her, and thats when she never replied) I think if someone specifically tells me that, I expect at the very least that shes devoted enough to keep her word!

 

If you keep meeting women who are wasting your time then you need to figure out why this is happening.

 

Is there a particular type of characteristic you are attracted to in women, such as arrogance or aloofness maybe? If they share similar traits that could be a clue.

 

Another possibility is the way in which you meet them. With online dating it can be difficult to really get a sense of how genuine a person is. You may be wasting time on people you wouldn't bother getting to know if you met them in person. If that is the case maybe you should try another method of dating or be more selective.

 

Hence the reason I try to talk to them on the phone as soon as possible.

 

One important little bit of advice:

 

STOP Texting.

 

START Talking.

 

Enough with all these dumb, written misconstrued, non-verbal, impersonal, detached and entirely distancing micro-letters.

 

Time to open the mouth and use the vocal chords.

 

 

Yea....thats why I was trying to call her.

 

women do like to see some interest from a man, so by choosing your family and ducking out on that Monday night call, you put her down the priority list

 

It was Memorial Day. And I went to a family cookout. Which I stayed later than I expected. Which I told her beforehand might happen. I never made definitive plans to call her Monday. I told her about the cookout, I might be there late, and if so, I'd call Tuesday.

 

 

 

Texting to arrange a call is very tedious.

 

THATS why I try to move to calling as soon as possible. When she gave me her number I was at work until Monday, as I said in my original post.

 

This may be where you lose them.

 

If it is your habit to send this type of a text to every woman you are trying to communicate with who doesn't behave as you see fit this may explain why the same thing happens every time.

 

I simply respond to what they do. I follow proper etiquette, and then they disappear, usually after making a specific statement(call me on Thurday, Hit me up Tuesday so we can talk, etc)

 

 

Maybe try to just be a little bit more patient. If you try a few times to arrange a time to call and it seems that they are blowing you off, just stop texting them and wait to see if they come to you. If they do, great. If they don't just move on. No need for the insults.

 

So its perfectly fine for her to insult me with her actions, but I'm not supposed to say anything and just let her think its ok to act that way??

 

Sorry, but I dont abide by all these "unwritten rules" when it comes to dating. I interact with these women the same way I have all my life. We make contact, we exchange numbers, we talk on the phone. Period. I never had one problem interacting this way in the past. People simply take advantage of loopholes nowdays to act wishy washy.

 

Whoa.

 

Sometimes texts don't even make it. You can't lay into someone for missing one text if you plan on ever seeing them again.

 

Blew this one for sure.

 

She already blew it on Wednesday. After that I had no plans on seeing her again. Why in the world would you think someone would lay into a person like that but still have intent on seeing them????

 

I have only had a text not go through to someone 3 times in my entire life. And all 3 of those were with a friend or family member. If my text didnt go through to her, she would have got a hold off me on Tuesday, wondering what happened(thats if she was a normal person that was actually interested). If my text didnt go through she would have instantly flipped out on me when I sent my text to her on Saturday accusing her of blowing me off. But she didnt. She proved that she got my text, and ignored it by telling me she was "busy".

 

If she was actually interested, or had proper manners she could have sent me a text back on Wednesday or even Thursday and said "Sorry, I didnt get back to you, been busy. I'll hit you up soon". But she chose to just disappear either on purpose, because she lacks the spine and maturity to be upfront with a guy....or her actions were based on just a lack of manners, assuming its perfectly fine to tell someone to get a hold of them on a specific day, only to blow them off, and think the guy will chase her anyways.

Edited by Male
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It was Memorial Day. And I went to a family cookout. Which I stayed later than I expected. Which I told her beforehand might happen. I never made definitive plans to call her Monday. I told her about the cookout, I might be there late, and if so, I'd call Tuesday.

 

Thing is, dating is a game, you either engage or you don't. You either make her feel special or you don't.

You had the whole of Monday off work, but you didn't call her - Why?

You went to the cook out later and you still didn't call her - Big bonus points if you had.

YOU then stayed out late - too late to call her.

 

Monday was the day to make your move, the rest just got annoying and I guess she lost interest.

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trippi1432

In the OLD world this happens for either gender, whether it's a text, a phone call or even meeting in person and no date # 2. It is what it is, basically.

 

Male, I can understand your frustration about her lack of effort/action. I've only been put off by one guy who did something similar. We actually never made it to a date, but had been chatting and then talking on the phone while I was on vacation. Turned out that we even knew a lot of the same people, but just had never ran into each other. He even seemed interested enough that he wanted to know a good time to call me after I went back to work since he didn't really know my schedule.

 

Never called and wouldn't return a text when I inquired if he was okay. He had implied in conversation that he had been broken up with his ex for several months and she was back to chasing after a MM she had been seeing previously. The next evening, I saw him online on OLD, so I sent him a message to the extent, thank goodness I know you are alive now. He took down his profile. Sent him a message on FB that we didn't have any common friends other than a bar and a band......he blocked me. :lmao::lmao: And NO!! I'm not a stalker....I think by that point I was just pi**ed off. No better way to put it.

 

I blocked him from text, phone and even FB. A week later, he sent a message to my Google Plus profile that I didn't give him a chance to explain and he wished I would. I was a little impressed that he tracked me down and wanted to explain so I sent him a text to the extent that I thought his blocking me and taking down his profile was the explanation when he didn't call. But that I would give him a chance to explain.

 

The next day I sent another text and reiterated XXXX I'm giving you a chance to explain. He immediately replied but no real explanation, he was busy at work and so was I. These types of conversations should never be over text, so I said why don't you call me after 6:00 and lets talk instead of texting. He said ok............Never heard from him again, but snuck a peek at his FB and his exGF was all over it talking about his "sexy a**".

 

Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and realize that maybe there was bullet being dodged somewhere.....:o:o

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Thing is, dating is a game, you either engage or you don't.

 

PEOPLE choose to make it a game. I never had any of these problems years ago. More and more people are conforming, because society is losing its grip on common courtesy due to the internet and all forms of social media that are being utilized. This forces people to "put up" with this crappy behavior. Most guys have tunnel vision when it comes to dating. They have one goal. So they allow women to be wishy-washy, because the guy wants something from her. This in turn teaches the woman that her behavior is acceptable. She thinks shes doing nothing wrong. So if a guy doesnt "put up with her crap" then she labels him as "not all that interested".

 

I'm always interested from the start. Until the woman gives me a reason not to be.

 

 

You had the whole of Monday off work, but you didn't call her - Why?

 

WRONG again. I worked all day Monday, got home late afternoon and went to the cookout. Which is why I told her about possibly getting home too late Monday.

 

You need to gather your facts before you try to come up with shoddy evidence just to pin your biased accusations on me.

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autumnnight

Bottom line? You take this stuff way too seriously. It was a few texts. You hadn't even had a date yet. It wasn't a relationship.

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salparadise
From where I sit, my issue is with men (some who have contacted me, others I have contacted first) who play around with texting and weird fauxlationship stuff where they just like having a text buddy and there's no desire to actually meet. Not meeting up with people who do this is probably best I think....

 

I agree. What I have come to understand is that only some small percentage of the people on dating sites are ready to date and open to proceeding in a normal way, assuming there is mutual interest of course. The others delude themselves by participating in the process but always finding an excuse. Personally I'd rather exchange a couple of messages and meet within a few days so as not to get drawn into a fantasy or waste a bunch of time and energy if there is no actual chemistry/attraction upon meeting.

 

But most women don't see it that way––they think that by requiring longer interaction online that they're being safer, doing a better job of vetting, getting to know the guy from behind the protection of the computer screen, yada, yada. As a guy you have to go along with it to some degree, but a guy should have limits. Plus, enthusiasm can't be sustained indefinitely, so you want to meet before it wanes... at least that's my take on it.

 

Do what I say, not what I do... heh! I started a conversation with a woman in January who viewed my profile and "liked" me. I asked for a pic and she obliged, she said she wasn't sure about the online thing but we made small talk awhile. Then one day she sent me a message saying that she just wasn't ready, but I was the one person she interacted with that she liked and she thanked me for understanding, and she took her account offline. Then a month or so later I see that she visited again and I messaged her. She sent me her email address, said she was going offline again, and suggested that we email some.

 

So we've been emailing (twice a week) with no pressure and finally we've set a date for this coming Friday! Dinner and a dance lesson. Normally I wouldn't invest this much time and energy but she's really cute, smart, and seems completely different. She was widowed young as opposed to divorce and I think she's being sincere. I really like that she's investing with me and not trying to develop other options at the same time, doesn't seem to be playing the game. So we'll see...

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I agree. What I have come to understand is that only some small percentage of the people on dating sites are ready to date and open to proceeding in a normal way

 

Agreed. And I believe that percentage is much smaller than we realize. Too many people use it as a way to pass time/entertainment.

 

Personally I'd rather exchange a couple of messages and meet within a few days so as not to get drawn into a fantasy or waste a bunch of time and energy if there is no actual chemistry/attraction upon meeting.

 

But most women don't see it that way––they think that by requiring longer interaction online that they're being safer, doing a better job of vetting, getting to know the guy from behind the protection of the computer screen

 

So very true. I will never understand the thought process of a woman that thinks she can "get to know a guy" by emailing or texting. I want to at least talk on the phone after a couple days of first contact, and then try to meet in person within a week.

 

Normally I wouldn't invest this much time and energy but she's really cute,

 

And there lies the reason WHY she can hold off and make the guy follow her pace. If thats your choice, than go for it. Everyone has their own take on it. But when guys allow women to drag it out like she is doing, it is teaching her its OK to do so. If EVERY guy gave up after a couple weeks of her beating around the bush, she would learn to speed up or process or remain alone.

 

I'm in the same boat. It seems that basic simple communication skills are too much to ask nowadays when interacting with people. So I either need to put up with bad communication/wishy washy behavior, or remain alone. I will definitely choose to be alone rather than conform. If my standards were too high, or I expected something out of the ordinary than I would change.

 

 

Bottom line? You take this stuff way too seriously. It was a few texts. You hadn't even had a date yet. It wasn't a relationship.

 

You can learn a lot about a persons behavior before the relationship. Their actions are a prelude to whats to come.

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In fairness the texting stage is just the texting stage. Nothing more or less. It's only after you meet someone that can begin the longer process of getting to know them, and even that generally takes longer than anyone would care to admit.

 

But I agree that the initial texting stage should be short.

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salparadise
And there lies the reason WHY she can hold off and make the guy follow her pace. If thats your choice, than go for it. Everyone has their own take on it. But when guys allow women to drag it out like she is doing, it is teaching her its OK to do so.

 

Exactly right. I had her pegged from the git-go as a shrinking violet, in one sense, but actually different in a good way. At least that's my impression.

 

I wouldn't be hanging in like this for the average cutie-pie, especially if they were spending time online trying to find better options while keeping me on the string. But she's not doing that, and plus, she's really, really cute... and that is of course a motivator.

 

I don't mind investing time and energy and emotion under certain circumstances... basically if she seems like a real long-term prospect, and if she's being reciprocal. After you've been at it for awhile you learn to spot the ones who are window shopping (fantasizing only, waiting for perfection) vs. the ones who are interested in a real relationship with a human being.

 

So the run-of-the-mill cutie-pie I just see as a dating prospect. If they're willing to go out and you get along then you go out some more, have fun, get laid and hopefully someday you stumble into someone with real potential. But with this one it's a reversal... real potential, no BS, worth the extra effort to find out.

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autumnnight

Back in the really old days, when people met in real life, talked on a non-cell phone to set up a date, etc.....

 

It was not considered a relationship when there were a couple of phone calls.

 

Conversations at the student union or library were not a prelude to being obligated to talk EVERY time one was at the library.

 

Going out to the first dinner, or even the second, did not mean one MUST make or accept phone calls in order to meet some standard of "correct treatment."

 

You met, you talked, you went out a few times, and things either did or did not progress.

 

If one part was not interested after all, they either stopped calling or stopped accepting dates. There was the little sting of rejection that is part of normal life, and they both went on without being compelled to school the other in some overblown sense of "right and wrong" about the preliminary stage of a relationship.

 

You are not entitled to a call. You are not entitled to a return text. Even if you've been "texting like crazy" for a week...the other person is NOT obligated to keep it up or tell you anything.

 

The rest of us survived fade outs, just like we survived without getting trophies for showing up.

 

You will too.

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You are not entitled to a date. You are not entitled to a call. You are not entitled to a return text. Even if you've been "texting like crazy" for a week...the other person is NOT obligated to keep it up or tell you anything.

 

Never said she was obligated. Anyone has the right to be an ahole and handle situations however they want.

 

But the "right" thing to do is show common courtesy. I think since SHE made a specific request for me to "Hit her up on Wednesday, because she would have more time to talk"...that definetley changes things.

 

Does she have the right to just flat out ignore me? Absolutely! But just because she has the right to do that, doesnt mean its the proper way to handle the situation. And just because its become "the norm" for people to adopt it as "part of the dating process" doesnt mean I'm in the wrong for calling people out when they do it.

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