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Broke with my fiance


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Hi all,

 

I'm in a rough spot with my own emotions and feel really conflicted.

 

I broke up with my fiance last Thursday and while I'm not the most sensitive guy, I tried my best to be as soft as possible. Naturally she was angry and told me to leave with many of her questions left unanswered. Since then there's been some texting but she has been very hung up on how I treated her when I collected my stuff, saying I had treated her like dirt and she even punched me, I was very in different and I had simply gone to collect my things. I wanted to avoid the chit chat because she was clearly angry with me, it seems to have backfired on me now though and says she will never see or speak to me again?

 

I have a long history of friendship and obviously a relationship with her and ultimately I'd like to see a friendship in whatever course of time it takes for her to recover. I'm just unsure of whether she truly means what she says. It's difficult enough that she doesn't realise how much she truly means to me. In the end I just didn't feel the same things she did. I don't want her to hate me..

 

(Sorry it's the wrong forum category, just noticed)

Edited by Mike90
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acrosstheuniverse

Unfortunately as the dumper, you don't get to choose to keep a friendship with someone who you just made your ex.

 

The kindest thing to do is leave her alone, answer questions to a reasonable extent if she doesn't understand why you left, but otherwise stay no contact. Let her grieve.

 

A broken engagement is a much bigger deal than a broken relationship. Not so long ago the two of you were professing to everyone you know that you'd decided to spend the rest of your lives together, she was probably flaunting the ring and dreaming of your big day. Now she's humiliated and hurt. Unless she initiates a friendship eventually, this is outta your hands. Let her move on.

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No need to keep her on the backburner; no friendship, no contact. Your history with her is over, move on.

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The friendship is over. Maybe in 20+ years you can be civil again but that's about it. You can't be friends. Really, what are you going to do -- talk about the new people you are dating?

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You ABSOLUTELY can be friends. I did that with my ex wife after a long wonderful marriage. The break up was not controversial, nor did we fight. We both understood that it was time to end things. We never hated each other, and alway had respect and care for each other.

 

I have MANY friends in the same boat. Sure, there's often times when one needs an emotional break or NC for awhile, but no reason at all that you can't be friends.

 

It's not up to one person, it's up to both. And it depends on a lot of things.

 

Also, either person can try to resolve things back to an emotional connection, but one must understand that it can be iffy and could come with heartbreak.

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stillafool

Move on and leave her alone. You can't have it both ways, sorry. She does not view you as a friend and probably feels humiliated. Since you didn't want to have a proper conversation with her after dropping this bombshell don't do it now. Oh, and you are right, she probably hates you right now.

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Move on and leave her alone. You can't have it both ways, sorry. She does not view you as a friend and probably feels humiliated. Since you didn't want to have a proper conversation with her after dropping this bombshell don't do it now. Oh, and you are right, she probably hates you right now.

 

Will have to disagree a bit....

There's clearly love between these two. She perceived her emotional problems to be a barrier between them. I don't believe it.

 

She doesn't hate him.... no way, and he doesn't hate her. There can be anger and things seem like hate, but not the case here.

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xpaperxcutx

No, you can't be friends with her and if she ever wanted friendship, it will have to be from her side.

 

You need to see from her side- you just jilted her and broke off an engagement with her. She's hurt. Her pride's hurt.

 

Leave her alone.

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You ABSOLUTELY can be friends. I did that with my ex wife after a long wonderful marriage. The break up was not controversial, nor did we fight. We both understood that it was time to end things. We never hated each other, and alway had respect and care for each other.

 

I have MANY friends in the same boat. Sure, there's often times when one needs an emotional break or NC for awhile, but no reason at all that you can't be friends.

 

It's not up to one person, it's up to both. And it depends on a lot of things.

 

Also, either person can try to resolve things back to an emotional connection, but one must understand that it can be iffy and could come with heartbreak.

 

Yes the but the difference is you two mutually came to that agreement. Since that isn't the case here, she gets to decide if they are going to be friends. He can express his desire and intent but she will ultimately make the call if she wants it as well.

 

Yes people can be friends with exes. But not everyone wants to be friends with exes.

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Since it was not a mutual break up, no matter what you say as to your reasons, she will not agree with it. no matter what you say, she will say you are wrong. There's nothing you can say where she will go, " oh ok. Yeah hats makes sense, we should be broke up but let's stay friends and have no hurt feelings or raw emotions."

 

No, that ain't gonna happen.

 

Also, it's her choice on if she wants to be friends or not. If she's ticked and doesn't want to see your face or her your voice, that's her prerogative.

 

You don't have to marry her if you don't want, and she doesn't have to be around you is she doesnt want.

 

That's always the risk someone takes.

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Yes the but the difference is you two mutually came to that agreement. Since that isn't the case here, she gets to decide if they are going to be friends. He can express his desire and intent but she will ultimately make the call if she wants it as well.

 

Yes people can be friends with exes. But not everyone wants to be friends with exes.

 

Well, not quite. I did the breaking up, it was clearly NOT mutual, she wanted to make it work and I wasn't giving in (reasons unimportant for this thread). She just accepted it.

 

And sure, either person can choose to not be friends and it won't work. It takes both to make that work. When I split up, we weren't any different, but were were understanding enough to realize that was in our best interests to remain friends, overall.

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There's a lot of truth to these comments, I don't want to believe that I've lost her completely. Denial and all that, just hope she comes to understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. Feeling drowned by guilt..

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Well, not quite. I did the breaking up, it was clearly NOT mutual, she wanted to make it work and I wasn't giving in (reasons unimportant for this thread). She just accepted it.

 

And sure, either person can choose to not be friends and it won't work. It takes both to make that work. When I split up, we weren't any different, but were were understanding enough to realize that was in our best interests to remain friends, overall.

 

Then this statement, "We both understood that it was time to end things." wasn't true then.

 

So she decided to settle for friendship but it wasn't something that mutually happened. She just accepted your proposal. She easily could have gone the other way.

 

So I don't think your first post was quite as honest, to the point you were trying to make, as it was lead to believe.

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There's a lot of truth to these comments, I don't want to believe that I've lost her completely. Denial and all that, just hope she comes to understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. Feeling drowned by guilt..

 

Yes but you did. I know, it's hard. I was the one that called the end to my marriage and I hated hurting him. But that was my decision and whatever outcome was up to him.

 

You have to own the fact that you knew you were going to hurt her. Unless there was a smidge of belief that she would have reacted by wiping her brow and saying "thank goodness" you knew pain was going to be the reaction. It is okay, though. But be honest with yourself, you weren't saying it to just inflict pain but you knew pain was going to come.

 

You can't try and wipe it way because if you guys are friends then it wasn't that painful for her. Just own it, stay humble, and be compassionate.

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Then this statement, "We both understood that it was time to end things." wasn't true then.

 

So she decided to settle for friendship but it wasn't something that mutually happened. She just accepted your proposal. She easily could have gone the other way.

 

So I don't think your first post was quite as honest, to the point you were trying to make, as it was lead to believe.

 

I'm a bit confused, and sorry if I confused you. I was the one the initiated the break up and divorce. She clearly didn't want it but accepted when she was convinced it was inevitable. She is a smart lady and reacted accordingly to the situation she was in. She couldn't have it her was, but second best was to accept the divorce and remain friends, which I had no issue with.

 

Where did I incorrectly state that? And I'll correct it.

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If I didn't feel my relationship had a problem and my fiancé broke up with me, I would have no desire to see or speak to him again. If I saw him in 5 years or so, I would say hi, but that's it.

 

Rejection is hurtful. You basically said you don't want her to be your wife, having previously asked her to marry you. Clearly you weren't happy with how it was going and breaking up was the right thing for you, but you can't expect her to happily be your friend.

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I'm a bit confused, and sorry if I confused you. I was the one the initiated the break up and divorce. She clearly didn't want it but accepted when she was convinced it was inevitable. She is a smart lady and reacted accordingly to the situation she was in. She couldn't have it her was, but second best was to accept the divorce and remain friends, which I had no issue with.

 

Where did I incorrectly state that? And I'll correct it.

 

Just that you two mutually agreed. I am not seeing that. Similar for me, I initiated the divorce, he came around, and we are very amicable afterwards. But it wasn't something that I could say we agreed upon as we didn't come to this decision at the same time. He just received, adjusted, and was amenable to a different relationship. But that was out of his good graces, that is all.

 

Does that make more sense?

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As others have said, the decision is in her hands.

 

Everything has consequences and sometimes choosing one thing precludes others. In this case, sometimes breaking up means that's it. No friends. No nothing. You forever go your separate ways. Lots of people would love to break up then remain friends with their ex, for understandable reasons, as you may like them very much as a person but aren't a fit romantically, yet in the end often breaking up also means no more friendship.

 

That's for her to decide. The good news is that with time, both of you will either naturally make your way back to friends or you'll lose that desire and if you're not friends in the end it won't be a big deal.

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Just that you two mutually agreed. I am not seeing that. Similar for me, I initiated the divorce, he came around, and we are very amicable afterwards. But it wasn't something that I could say we agreed upon as we didn't come to this decision at the same time. He just received, adjusted, and was amenable to a different relationship. But that was out of his good graces, that is all.

 

Does that make more sense?

 

Makes sense.... We didn't come to a mutual agreement at the same time either. She took 2 months before things really sank in. After reality was realized, she could choose whatever she wanted, and she choose to remain friends, as I did. I've never totally shut the door on any lady I've been with, excepting one.

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All I can say is its the best decision and worst mistake of my life. I've had some great times with her but in doing this I've lost my friend. I have to wonder if it was really worth it.. probably not.

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just hope she comes to understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. Feeling drowned by guilt..

 

It may come to pass that she recognizes your decision actually resulted in less pain for her (unhappy marriage and possible divorce).

 

Think on the fact that you saved the both of you less pain in the end. You did the right thing even though it was difficult to do. It is honorable even.

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All I can say is its the best decision and worst mistake of my life. I've had some great times with her but in doing this I've lost my friend. I have to wonder if it was really worth it.. probably not.

 

The thing is when you get rejected, which essentially she has been, it's gonna hurt . If she didn't see this coming, she'll be devastated

 

In your mind, you're thinking you aren't compatible in a romantic relationship/marriage, but as friends it's fine.

 

In her mind, she's thinking so I'm not good enough to be your wife, but I'll do as a friend .

 

The only way she might be able to get over you is NC. She may well be thinking, how will I handle it if he starts seeing someone else? If your NC she won't have to know about it. At least not so quickly.

 

Try and put yourself in her position.

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