Ifalltopieces Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 We have had two d-days. She doesn't care about the A so much (for various reasons that I won't share b/c I refuse to defend myself here any more) as what people will think of her if they find out. She's never asked or demanded it to stop or really got in the way of anything, to be honest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Some women are past the romantic part of their relationship. They still want to be married, share a family, care for each other in old age, and be buried next to each other in the cemetery. She doesn't have a need for sex and romance from him, so she accepts he gets those needs met elsewhere. As long as it's kept quiet, it's a win-win. She doesn't feel guilty for not wanting sex with him, and he has an outlet for those needs, so he's no longer bugging her for sex. I think women who feel this way are afraid to admit this, though, fearing they will be judged for not really caring that he cheats. Other wives have been conditioned to accept it due to their culture or family of origin. They just believe most men will cheat, no matter what. She's got wife status, so doesn't feel threatened by OW. Some wives are in denial, and just aren't able to cope with the truth yet. It is a traumatic betrayal. Sometimes our minds can only cope with so much pain, and we go numb to protect ourselves. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
viciouscircle Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? Some will say nothing because they themselves are unhappy in the marriage and your not bothering them. Your wants are getting met somewhere else and your leaving them alone. This is often financial reasons, you don't want to lose the house etc. Some are in denial, think its a phase and it will pass and this happens in long term marriages I think. Some are just waiting for the timing to be right. Again in long term marriages the more years married the more it costs in cases with alimony etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? People might do this for lots of reasons. For some, it may be that they are scared and would rather have their spouse do that as long as they stay than make a fuss which might force it all to fall apart. My mom is this way with my dad's many affairs. She reacts to them but stays or if she turns a blind eye it's not because she doesn't care and approves it's because she still wants to be with this fcccuked up man and for whatever reason would rather him around than not. What I do think though is that one has to be careful of this line of thinking of she or he knows but doesn't care as sometimes it's not true and is a projection on the part of the APs where it feels better and less like a problem if they believe the BS tacitly agrees or knows but doesn't care. My friend for example keeps insisting her MM's wife knows about the A but doesn't care. Initially she told me the wife knows so I was like wow, how did it go when he told her, she said he didn't tell her so I said it how did she find out then and what happened, she said, well she didn't find out but I think she knows and doesn't care, she has to. I was a bit confused I asked why she thought this, her response was that she must know he's away a lot, they don't spend that much time together, it's been going on for years... And I'm like and? I'm like you think this obvious because you're in it and you know what he's doing and maybe as an OW yourself you may be more suspicious of your own SO because you have the experience of the other end of it, but for this woman you have no clue what he tells her, what rationale she uses, how he acts with her or what their dynamic is like to make the claim she for sure knows. Also, suspecting and knowing aren't the same. I think some spouses may suspect but would rather not stir anything up or just give their SO the benefit of the doubt and shake the thought, this is not the same as for example having a dday and turning a blind eye, catching the person in the act and then acting like it never occurred etc. But whatever the case may be, I guess my ultimate question would be if the spouse really knows and doesn't care, which I suspect is less common, what does that mean? The spouse doesn't have to care really, the one having the affair is the one who should be caring and I guess what is it to the OW/PM if the spouse doesn't care? If you're still in an affair for all intents and purposes and they have not given their blessing, that is, the BS hasn't drafted a schedule with you where you both openly and equally get this other person, then what does it matter? It's like everyone is still playing an emperor and his new clothes game. I don't see the benefit I guess of thinking they know or for the OW/OM if the spouse knows but hasn't okayed it and you still have to carry on in secret or discreetly and not rock the boat. Edited May 27, 2015 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 During the PA, MM said his W was suspicious by the comments she'd make to him. And she started trying harder, which could be her way of trying to draw his attention back to her. Or it could be the result of their MC. I think intuitively, she knows. But she'd never leave. She loves him more than life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? What does it matter what the "in the know BS" does or doesn't do? What matters is how are YOU with the status quo? If you're good with it - enjoy the ride. If not, well...what then? Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 She is confident of her status as the W, none of the D word in the horizon. The family image is important, public image is important. Doesn't really matter that there's no more romance in the marriage, or maybe she doesn't even feel the need for intimacy and sex. As long as what the world sees is a "perfect" marriage, then all is well. Its probably a relief that he gets his needs met somewhere, so he doesn't "bug" her for sex. Her life goes on, the H provides, kids and home looked after, and H goes home, with her. She wins, so does he. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ifalltopieces Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 She is confident of her status as the W, none of the D word in the horizon. The family image is important, public image is important. Doesn't really matter that there's no more romance in the marriage, or maybe she doesn't even feel the need for intimacy and sex. As long as what the world sees is a "perfect" marriage, then all is well. Its probably a relief that he gets his needs met somewhere, so he doesn't "bug" her for sex. Her life goes on, the H provides, kids and home looked after, and H goes home, with her. She wins, so does he. I think your right. The only part I disagree with is the winning part. In my opinion, nobody in this kind of arrangement wins. It's actually pretty sad. It's basically two people living a lie for the sake of appearances. They both definitely benefit in their own selfish ways, but no winning...at least not in the way I interpret winning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I think your right. The only part I disagree with is the winning part. In my opinion, nobody in this kind of arrangement wins. It's actually pretty sad. It's basically two people living a lie for the sake of appearances. They both definitely benefit in their own selfish ways, but no winning...at least not in the way I interpret winning. I agree... Except it's 3 lives. Don't forget the OW, who the wife is aware of, not even standing in the way, but the husband just won't leave. It's not like the wife can force him to stay married without his consent. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 A lot of valid reasons have already been stated and I'll add one more. The wife has been berated and belittle to the point she no longer has a healthy self-esteem and is thoroughly convinced nobody else could possibly want her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Serious question, if the spouse knows why not ask her/him? Why not explore an open marriage for the good of all? Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? What about the OW who look the other way -- you know, the ones who know their lovers are married and not leaving but stick around anyway? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Neither husband or wife wants to get divorced. It that simple. My sister was like this. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 What about the OW who look the other way -- you know, the ones who know their lovers are married and not leaving but stick around anyway? Not what the thread's about That said, OW enters the A knowing he's married and without a commitment from him. BS enters the marriage not expecting an A and with a commitment from him. Therein lies the obvious difference. To the OW, there is no vow, no trust broken. To the BS, there is. So back to the subject, why does the BS *do nothing* when the vows and trust are brown? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Not what the thread's about That said, OW enters the A knowing he's married and without a commitment from him. BS enters the marriage not expecting an A and with a commitment from him. Therein lies the obvious difference. To the OW, there is no vow, no trust broken. To the BS, there is. So back to the subject, why does the BS *do nothing* when the vows and trust are brown? Just curious - why are the BS' expected to do something? Why does the WS do nothing when they destroy the trust & their vows? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Agree with sweetpea. Why expect action on the part of the BS. If a WS is having an A because there are failures in his/her marriage, demand and expect action from him/her. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 We have all heard stories of the AP's spouse becoming aware of an affair and demanding the affair end. We have also heard of spouses making it nearly impossible for the other spouse to carry on an affair by checking phones, locations, emails etc.... But what about the spouses that turn the other way; The spouses that know there is something going on, but do/say nothing? Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Experience? Could be the alleged BS is actually having an A of their own. I knew someone in this very situation. She wasn't fussed about her H's affair as she had her own AP. She was biding time until the kids left home, when her and her OM would 'be together '. Some look the other way while gathering evidence and making an exit plan, including going back to school /secret accounts etc. They usually have a game plan. In many other cases it's fear of leaving, of being alone, finances , feeling and they'll just be screwed over in the divorce or just wanting to be married. I find there are a great deal of wives who have been SAHM for decades and they have no career. Getting back into work is scary. I read about a BW , who found out her H was having an A, but was scared to confront. He actually introduced her to the OW, under some deceptive guise that he was helping her. She knows when they first had sex, her H helpds fix up the OWs car, he took the OWs daughter for driving and much more. I can't imagine this. Others say men wil be men. I think it's more women who look the other way though. Plus there's always the category that say as long as he comes back home every night he can do what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Many of the BS who are supposedly looking the other way and choosing to ignore an obvious A, actually aren't ignoring anything....rather, they truly don't know. Many of them trust their WH, and keep in mind many of the WH are working hard to keep the truth from ever reaching BS ears. The line, "My wife knows about you, but she just wants to use me for her status and income, she doesn't care at all that I'm having an affair" is just a fabrication.....one more of many cheating MM stories to keep OW on the hook. I would urge OW to reject all supposed facts coming from MM that they can't independently verify. The MM is not a credible source about the BW feelings and actions (when talking to the OW, that is). 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I know for a fact that my MM's W knows since there have been 2 ddays. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Just curious - why are the BS' expected to do something? Why does the WS do nothing when they destroy the trust & their vows? Great question for another thread on that subject. This one is about the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Great question for another thread on that subject. This one is about the BS. And I asked why is the BS expected to do something or did you not see that? My second comment was just a follow up question. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 And I asked why is the BS expected to do something Why shouldn't the BS do something? is inherent in the OP. Do you have an opinion about why the BS don't act, or the expectation that they would/should? Here's mine: Putting aside the many reasons why a BS chooses not to take action upon the discovery of an A, if it's to be said that a BS shouldn't be expected to do anything when their WS breaks their trust and vows, then said BS shouldn't be upset about the A happening in the first place. If a BS can't be expected to take action in response to an A, then a WS cannot be expected not to have one. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 There's a lot of patronizing going on in this thread, and it's all pointless, as each person who stays when they know for sure their spouse is cheating does so for their own reasons. It's like asking why an ow or om would get involved with someone they know is married, and then continue to stay even though they know the mp is going home each night to their spouse and living their married life with them. For many of them, it's very painful, yet they do it anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 There's a lot of patronizing going on in this thread, and it's all pointless, as each person who stays when they know for sure their spouse is cheating does so for their own reasons. It's like asking why an ow or om would get involved with someone they know is married, and then continue to stay even though they know the mp is going home each night to their spouse and living their married life with them. For many of them, it's very painful, yet they do it anyway. Precisely. And for each person, the reasons will be different. I doubt for ANY of the BS/OP it's ever easy to keep going knowing what you know, either actually know or intuitively know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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