SIL/BIL affairs

[Grapesofwrath]

I was reading an article recently about infidelity about a recent study conducted with WS. One of the questions asked was whether the WS had cheated with his/her sister-in-law or brother-in-law. It had not occurred to me that this might be a common enough occurrence to warrant a question in a study on infidelity. Is it more common than I think?

 

It reminded me of a conversation I had once with the MM. He told me that his SIL was involved in an A with another man, and that her husband basically knew about it but they were pretending like nothing was going on. She is rarely at home and they lead separate lives. He said his BIL was a "cuckold." His SIL had shared this with him in confidence, so he kept this secret from his wife. (One among many secrets he keeps from her.) It appears she still doesn't know, which I find odd, if her sister is never home with her family. How has she not figured it out?

 

MM and his SIL are pretty friendly. They both like to smoke weed, which his wife "does not condone." His SIL and his wife don't like each other "because SIL feels inferior to her in every way."

 

I asked him why his SIL shared this secret with him, and offered that I thought it was a lot to ask of him to keep something like that from his wife. He told me that talks with her sometimes, when he sees her at the family ranch (SIL's husband and daughters live there) and he was just asking her how she was doing and she shared it. I don't buy that story. something about it just didn't add up.

 

I hadn't really thought it was possible that he could have done this, but after reading that article I'm starting to wonder.

 

Not sure this is relevant: SIL's eldest daughter just graduated from junior college and MM's family, including his wife, were not invited to attend or participate in any family event.

 

Thoughts?

[jen1447]

Those types of affairs do happen, but they're not exactly an epidemic. It's pretty much a function of familiarity like any other affair. The thing about it that I find most noteworthy is that the participants get up to it with no more guilt or reluctance than a 'normal' affair.

 

I'd say your gut is the best barometer here. Even as an OW, you still have that intuition.

[elaine567]

The instance, I know about.

The spouses of a brother and sister got together and left the brother and sister both to grieve over their failed marriages.

[Grapesofwrath]

Those types of affairs do happen, but they're not exactly an epidemic. It's pretty much a function of familiarity like any other affair. The thing about it that I find most noteworthy is that the participants get up to it with no more guilt or reluctance than a 'normal' affair.

 

I'd say your gut is the best barometer here. Even as an OW, you still have that intuition.

 

It feels to me like there is a particular brand of sadism inherent in an affair like this, mostly on the part of the sibling that participates. At least in my mind, one would need to be sitting on an awfully big pile of anger/resentment in order to sleep with the spouse of one's sister or brother.

 

In this narrative, I was struck when he said that his SIL dislikes his W because she feels "inferior" to her. My first thought: "Well, it would sure be an effective way to get back at her to sleep with her husband, huh? Then who is in the inferior position?"

[jen1447]

It feels to me like there is a particular brand of sadism inherent in an affair like this, mostly on the part of the sibling that participates. At least in my mind, one would need to be sitting on an awfully big pile of anger/resentment in order to sleep with the spouse of one's sister or brother.

 

In this narrative, I was struck when he said that his SIL dislikes his W because she feels "inferior" to her. My first thought: "Well, it would sure be an effective way to get back at her to sleep with her husband, huh? Then who is in the inferior position?"

 

I wouldn't put a lot of stock in that account myself - more likely a justification or rationalization, maybe even on the part of the MM.

 

In the cases I'm familiar with, it wasn't really sadistic in terms of deliberate attempt to injure, but I think there was an element of 'wrongness' that added extra appeal, and maybe a dash of egoism - "I'm so awesome I can even steal my sister's husband" or whatever. There is a distinct breed of women that takes pride in conquests like that, and even in wrecking marriages.

[rachel66]

I'm in an open/cuckold marriage and I broke up with my longtime lover for a year (we later reconciled). During that time I met another man and after a few months I introduced him to my divorced younger sister and they got married and decided to have an open marriage. She got pregnant soon after meeting and in her third trimester her doctor advised her to not have sex, so I substituted for her. Not exactly an affair since my husband and my sister were aware of it.

[MissBee]

It feels to me like there is a particular brand of sadism inherent in an affair like this, mostly on the part of the sibling that participates. At least in my mind, one would need to be sitting on an awfully big pile of anger/resentment in order to sleep with the spouse of one's sister or brother.

 

In this narrative, I was struck when he said that his SIL dislikes his W because she feels "inferior" to her. My first thought: "Well, it would sure be an effective way to get back at her to sleep with her husband, huh? Then who is in the inferior position?"

 

This seems particularly awful.

 

But I also didn't immediately think SIL/BIL meant that it was the MP's sister or brother, I actually immediately thought it was their spouse's in-law and theirs by marriage. It's still quite tricky and too close for comfort for me, but it's a little more removed if you're sleeping with your wife's brother's wife for example than your own brother's wife.

 

I do agree with jen though that it's the same in the sense that, like many other affairs, it's about familiarity and boundary crossing. Reminds me of the thread on EAs, where I'm like for me, I am just conscious of not getting too close and personal with friend's SOs and things like that. I imagine I'd do the same with my husband's brother or my sister's husband. We'd be close in the familial sense but no way I can imagine my sister's husband telling me intimate things or my husband's brother and stuff like that, esp stuff they said they hadn't shared with my sister or husband. That's my personal boundary so it would be hard for me to end up in that kind of affair.

[Grapesofwrath]

This seems particularly awful.

 

But I also didn't immediately think SIL/BIL meant that it was the MP's sister or brother, I actually immediately thought it was their spouse's in-law and theirs by marriage. It's still quite tricky and too close for comfort for me, but it's a little more removed if you're sleeping with your wife's brother's wife for example than your own brother's wife.

 

I do agree with jen though that it's the same in the sense that, like many other affairs, it's about familiarity and boundary crossing. Reminds me of the thread on EAs, where I'm like for me, I am just conscious of not getting too close and personal with friend's SOs and things like that. I imagine I'd do the same with my husband's brother or my sister's husband. We'd be close in the familial sense but no way I can imagine my sister's husband telling me intimate things or my husband's brother and stuff like that, esp stuff they said they hadn't shared with my sister or husband. That's my personal boundary so it would be hard for me to end up in that kind of affair.

 

Yes, I guess one should be specific. I'm referring to an affair that involves the sibling of the BS. (full, half, step, whatever). None of it is awesome, of course, but I'm referring to that specific type.

 

In truth, I'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea that the MM could have done this to his wife and the level of dysfunction that exists in that family if the BS's sister would participate in all this.

[minimariah]

In truth, I'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea that the MM could have done this to his wife and the level of dysfunction that exists in that family if the BS's sister would participate in all this.

 

i know one... interesting story - MM had an affair with his W's sister and she eventually found out. they decided to work on their marriage & reconcile BUT, in the strange turn of events -- the sister called to let them know that she ended up being pregnant with the MM. so the MM dumped the W & married her sister, starting a family with her. some years later -- the W ended up being in a relationship with her ex-husband's widowed father & they eventually married. both of those marriages last for over 20 years now and the sisters still don't speak to each other.

 

life!

 

i will tell you one thing - i don't think a relationship between siblings has to be dysfunctional in order for one sibling to have an A with the other sibling's spouse. people just think and think... and they "choose" a side, you know? most come to some kind of conclusion that they can live without their sibling (in worst case) but not without romantic love.

[Grapesofwrath]

i know one... interesting story - MM had an affair with his W's sister and she eventually found out. they decided to work on their marriage & reconcile BUT, in the strange turn of events -- the sister called to let them know that she ended up being pregnant with the MM. so the MM dumped the W & married her sister, starting a family with her. some years later -- the W ended up being in a relationship with her ex-husband's widowed father & they eventually married. both of those marriages last for over 20 years now and the sisters still don't speak to each other.

 

life!

 

i will tell you one thing - i don't think a relationship between siblings has to be dysfunctional in order for one sibling to have an A with the other sibling's spouse. people just think and think... and they "choose" a side, you know? most come to some kind of conclusion that they can live without their sibling (in worst case) but not without romantic love.

 

Mariah: can you say more about that? how it's not dysfunctional?

[minimariah]

Mariah: can you say more about that? how it's not dysfunctional?

 

the relationship between the siblings doesn't have to be dysfunctional -- it only needs to be distant enough & in some cases, not even that.

 

siblings are often "forcefully" close but in many cases - there is no real connection there so their loyalty goes to the MM (in case where the sister is the OW) the man they fell in love with... NOT to the sister. love between siblings isn't unconditional.

 

i don't really see many siblings being the OW/OM type of situations... but i do see a lot of BS's best friend being the OW/OM type of situations. those relationships (the friendship between the BS & the best friend who is in a role of being the OW/OM) aren't dysfunctional at all - that's just a case where one situation is more important than the other. people do a lot of crap when they fall in love & they're suddenly willing to do a lot of things they normally wouldn't -- the reason for that? their own personal pursuit of happiness, selfishness.

[Davey L]

Indeed these kind of affairs do happen. At the risk of getting some abuse here, I will admit to an affair with my wife's sister.

 

Looking back I think the attraction was that in many ways she was similar to my wife, yet with differences enough to be interesting, while the difficult history I'd had with my wife was of course absent. We'd always had a close relationship and when circumstances put us in close proximity and away from others for some time it happened.

 

I never really understood the relationship between her and my wife, and now never will, as she sadly died.

 

I do not feel that there was any element of sadism on her part to her sister, as has been suggested above.

 

Before I get a lot of abuse I will say that there were certain circumstances that I can offer as excuses, both for her and I, not of course that these in any way justify it.

[minimariah]

At the risk of getting some abuse here, I will admit to an affair with my wife's sister.

 

were she & her sister close? can you tell us a little more about that relationship? no abuse to you at all - i think people will be mostly curious.

 

it would be good to kind of get an insight into your relationship dynamic with your W's sister - so if you could maybe write a little more, i'm sure many would actually appreciate.

[Davey L]

were she & her sister close? can you tell us a little more about that relationship? no abuse to you at all - i think people will be mostly curious.

 

it would be good to kind of get an insight into your relationship dynamic with your W's sister - so if you could maybe write a little more, i'm sure many would actually appreciate.

 

Firstly about my wife's relationship with her sister.

 

A bit of background. There is a big cultural difference to me. They are black African. The sister was younger and to some extent dependent on handouts from my wife. My wife expected some subservience in return. I guess this could have caused resentment, nobody truly likes getting handouts and it must have felt like she was forced to grovel in order to be tossed a few crumbs. That's probably putting it a bit strong but there was at least some element of that I think.

 

Secondly her relationship with me.

 

I got to know SIL quite well as she lived with us for nearly a year. We talked a lot more than wife and I. There is a lesson in poor boundaries here! Nothing sexual, it was just that we happened to get along very well. To me she was an equal, but wife saw her as a younger sister obligated to be subservient to her, probably a cultural thing. A few years later I needed to travel, without wife, to Africa on some other matter and my wife arranged that I should stay with her sister. This happened several times. it was third world accommodation, basic, one room, and we had to share a bed. On the second visit the affair started. It went on for several months, there was no discussion about ending it, we just did, but no hard feelings and we remained close for the rest of her life. I was with her holding her hand when she died.

 

Some background. My wife was having an affair when this started and I think SIL knew about it. It isn't an excuse, but I think that it meant that for me the threshold for having an affair had been reduced, and possibly SIL felt the same way.

 

I am not sure if this is typical of BIL/SIL affairs, but maybe some of the relationship issues might get played out against a different background with others. Feelings were strong and it wasn't just about sex. I guess with hindsight it continued as what I would now know as an EA for the rest of her life.

[No Limit]

Misery likes company. The MM and SIL talking to each other - likely also including sex - gives them another point for their own validation. Kind of like "he does it, so it's just fine when I do it too".

[gettingstronger]

If I am reading this right- you are asking about having an affair with your siblings spouse rather than the two "in-laws" having an affair- I agree it does point to a dysfunction between the two siblings-

 

When I was in my early 20's I dated a twin- he and his brother were highly competitive with one another- the twin alternated between hating me and hitting on me-I knew then it was not about me, but about the relationship between the brothers-it was one of the reasons I did not continue in that relationship- I could not imagine being in that dynamic for long-

 

As I look at my sisters husband, I see him as an extension of her so to engage in a affair with him would indeed be beyond anything else- now my brother and his wife have an odd marriage and early on, she did come on to my husband which struck me as odd but nothing like what I experienced with the brothers- with the brothers it seemed like a blood betrayal with my brothers wife coming on to my husband it seemed more like some girl coming on to my husband-

 

WOW- that came out convoluted but hopefully you could follow that line of thinking-