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Don't know where to start.... Ok, my boyfriend of almost 2 years hasn't worked or contributed financially despite living with me and my 4 children from my prev marriage, ever. I have also paid probably into 2,000 for things he has wanted and said he'd pay back, holidays, hobbies etc. He smokes cannabis and plays video games every day, but as he has reduced it since we had our now 5 month old twins he says I have no reason to criticise.? his attitude is lazy and if anything doesn't go his way he is very angry and aggressive, not physically towards me but not nice to witness. He is 35. Before we met he lived with his mum, she still bales him out too. He hates my mum and has stopped her coming to my house, hates it when I visit her with babies. He tells me he loves me all the time. He pinches and tickles me and slaps my bum hard all the time, hard to the point of irritation. Since having his babies 6 months ago I have got up with them every morning at 5/6/7 he doesn't surface til 10/11or12. He says I'm too soft on my kids, my 4 year old in particular and doesn't seem to appreciate that they are great kids at all. We are very short of money and i have taken an occasional job which is as much as I can handle while looking after 6 young children & a house, and him. He does nothing around the house and said he wont clean up after 'some other guys kids'. Ugghhh. I'm sure there's more but this I getting very long. Any advice appreciated thanks.

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ColdandLonelyinAK

From someone who has been there and, when he dumped me (1st ex), I was left with pennies to my name: get him outta there!!!

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SycamoreCircle

OP, it sounds to me like you seriously need to look at yourself and your issues. The first thing that come to mind is "boundaries." You have SERIOUS boundary issues. That takes its most noticeable form in the number of kids you have. How on Earth do you expect to support so many kids? It sounds like you're a caring, concerned mother. So, take that concern a step further and allow the kids you do have to not be burdened with the requirements of more siblings. Get your tubes tied.

 

Secondly, what's with these deadbeat dudes? What does your current guy do that say...a bored ineffectual teenager couldn't do? Because in a number of years, you'll have a couple of bored ineffectual teenagers around.

 

Does he provide emotional support to you? It sounds fleeting, at best. I'm sure he's there to proverbially change your oil. That's good. But what else does he do?

 

So, boundary issues. Let me give you an example: I'm your neighbor. One day I bring over a casserole I've baked as a gift to you. You take it and enjoy it. A week later I ask if I can share your wi-fi and pay you a little money each month. You hesitantly agree. The first month I pay. Ten months later, you haven't seen nine payments. You choose to not say anything, but feel taken advantage of.

 

A person without boundary issues would have outright refused to let the neighbor share wi-fi or would have been adamant that the neighbor pay the money.

 

You need to work towards this sort of attitude. Standing up for your space, your dignity, your territory. Start with this current guy of yours.

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Thank you, yes you are probably right.

Can I just say that my four children were the result of a wonderful 14 year marriage to a highly successful man and supporting them is not an issue.

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First of all I'd like to say congratulations on your twins. What a blessing.

 

 

Now down to business ..........I can't think why you'd tolerate this nonsense from him. He has no right to ban your mother from your house, unless she has done something you've not said here. Then to try and stop her seeing her grandchildren.

 

It doesn't sound like he is of much use to you at all and the only positive here, is that you're not married to him.

 

Is this the example you want your children to see as a stand up decent guy and good relationship. He needs to grow up and you either sit him down and make that clear or get him out and sort out visitation and child support.

 

If you let someone treat you this way, they'll keep on doing it. Stand up for yourself and put an end to it.

 

BTW, he knows your mum has sussed him out for what he is, he wants to ruin your relationship with her, so you only have him. It's abusive behaviour and I bet it's tearing your mum's heart to watch her daughter in this terrible relationship.

 

You will get better, when you realise you deserve better. I'm sending strength your way.

 

Write him a letter or email if he's the type to interrupt or make you loose your flow.

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Kick him out. What good is he to you? Does he love and care for you? No. Your feelings matter too. You deserve better and so do your children.

 

I would like to add that I know what it is like to feel so overburdened with worry, stress and the demands of children and home that you almost can't bear to look at the bigger picture. There never seems to be the time and it all looks so overwhelming and difficult. The posters here are right about boundaries. Sit down (when you get chance!) and make a list of the qualities you'd like in a nice guy for you, then compare those qualities to the guy you are living with. I can bet you he will not meet your needs in that respect. I don't think this is salvageable. If he's behaving like this now and hurting you physically, which he is doing and you don't find it funny, then you need to draw a line in the sand and kick him out.

 

It's one thing to tolerate someone because you are used to them, used to love them, etc., but this guy is currently your future. Can you face a future with him in it like this all the time? No, you could have a different future with a different guy who loves and supports you. While you are with this guy, you are excluding that possibility.

Edited by spiderowl
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There is NO reason to stay with this guy. He is trying to isolate you. He is completely mooching off you. He irresponsibly (and you too) had children with him when he wasn't even solvent. You need to think about your kids. And don't start telling me "Oh, he's a great father." He is not. He's a terrible terrible role model. This slacker is who your daughter will get her blueprint of a man from and then will marry one just like him. Your son will follow in his footsteps.

 

You need to kick him out and file for child support. The state will take it out of his employment and will require him to get employed or go to jail. Once he can show he has a place and has the means, then he can have joint custody, but until then, it's all going to be unfairly on you because he's too worthless to leave the kids with. The sooner you make him pay child support and kick his butt out, the sooner things will get better, but they're going to get worse before they get better because it will all be on you until he realizes he has responsibilities or else.

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Thank you so much for your replies, much appreciated and you are right. Its so hard, I asked him to leave tonight to give me a break to think, he's gone and says its over because I am making him be away from his babies, and its all me wanting everything my own way........blah blah blah. Feeling weird.

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Thank you so much for your replies, much appreciated and you are right. Its so hard, I asked him to leave tonight to give me a break to think, he's gone and says its over because I am making him be away from his babies, and its all me wanting everything my own way........blah blah blah. Feeling weird.

 

Don't let that lazy lump come back, whatever you do.

 

You've been his second mother.

 

When you've got six kids, you don't need a passenger, you need a partner and he isn't one.

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Thank you so much for your replies, much appreciated and you are right. Its so hard, I asked him to leave tonight to give me a break to think, he's gone and says its over because I am making him be away from his babies, and its all me wanting everything my own way........blah blah blah. Feeling weird.

 

Well done.

 

Let him stay away if he so chooses. I am very very weary of any partner who tries to keep you away from your family. Never let any man do that to you.

 

How much do he do for his babies?

 

He hasn't worked since you've met him.

He hasn't given you one day to lie in and look after the twins since they were born, you must be so exhausted and yet YOU have gone out to get a p/t job.

 

He's yet to grow up. You have 6 kids and you don't need another one.

 

A lazy chronically unemployed man does absolutely nothing for most women.

 

Don't settle Birdie.

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