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What do you think about polyamory


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My ex was into it, and as I've gone on dates and talked to girls, for some reason I am ending up with girls that are into polyamory. Does anyone here have opinions on it? I've been to some of the meetups here, which are fairly large, and most of the people at them are either obese or have issues. I wonder if these people feel better about themselves by getting more positive strokes/validation from others.

 

Not that being in a committed relationship isn't hard. I think that a good committed relationship wouldn't make cheating/being interested in others something that would destroy the relationship. We are all born alone and die alone, and we shouldn't act like somehow being in a relationship removes this fundamental aspect of life from being true. But I still like the idea of sharing the commitment and emotional intimacy of a real relationship.

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TaraMaiden2

I think it's a brilliant concept in theory.

The trouble is, the majority of people are not emotionally equipped to be able to deal with it, accept it or be comfortable with the arrangement all the time.

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I think it's a brilliant concept in theory.

The trouble is, the majority of people are not emotionally equipped to be able to deal with it, accept it or be comfortable with the arrangement all the time.

 

For me, I think a big part of the problem is it is not even between the genders. I am all for women's rights, but women will have a much easier time finding guys who are okay with the set-up than men finding women who are. On most dates, if a guy brought this up, the woman would grab her purse and walk out.

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TaraMaiden2
.... I still like the idea of sharing the commitment and emotional intimacy of a real relationship.

 

There is nothing NOT real about a polyamorous relationship. It's still real, just as intense, just as loving, intimate and close.

 

It just means you are adequately open minded enough to know that committing physically to one single person for the rest if your life, is a completely unreasonable and impossible demand.

 

If you'd like to commit to just one person, and one only, that's fine.

If they feel the same way, that is also fine.

 

But bear in mind that being in a polyamorous relationship is a bit like you going out with all your past girlfriends, at once. And they would be doing the same with all their boyfriends, too.

 

If you have difficulty getting past that, then monogamy is more in your line of thinking.

And that's ok.

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My ex was into it, and as I've gone on dates and talked to girls, for some reason I am ending up with girls that are into polyamory. Does anyone here have opinions on it? I've been to some of the meetups here, which are fairly large, and most of the people at them are either obese or have issues. I wonder if these people feel better about themselves by getting more positive strokes/validation from others.

 

Not that being in a committed relationship isn't hard. I think that a good committed relationship wouldn't make cheating/being interested in others something that would destroy the relationship. We are all born alone and die alone, and we shouldn't act like somehow being in a relationship removes this fundamental aspect of life from being true. But I still like the idea of sharing the commitment and emotional intimacy of a real relationship.

 

You mean you like the idea of sharing the commitment and emotional intimacy of a more *conventional and traditional* relationship, right?

 

Because while I am not into polygamy myself, those who *are* into it consider their relationships to be just as committed, emotional and real....as those, like myself and bf, whose relationship is more traditional.

 

Also, remember, it is not cheating if both people agree to sexually open it up to others.

 

Cheating is deception... and there is nothing deceptive about choosing to have a polygamous relationship.

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There is nothing NOT real about a polyamorous relationship. It's still real, just as intense, just as loving, intimate and close.

 

It just means you are adequately open minded enough to know that committing physically to one single person for the rest if your life, is a completely unreasonable and impossible demand.

 

If you'd like to commit to just one person, and one only, that's fine.

If they feel the same way, that is also fine.

 

But bear in mind that being in a polyamorous relationship is a bit like you going out with all your past girlfriends, at once. And they would be doing the same with all their boyfriends, too.

 

If you have difficulty getting past that, then monogamy is more in your line of thinking.

And that's ok.

 

I get it. I'm not arguing against it, but I think with adequate love and with one being relatively mature and fulfilled from within, it is hardly an "impossible" demand. We all know many, many people who have been committed to each other physically for decades who did not have relationships that imploded, and who would honestly say that they would never have explored outside the relationship. Many people get an intense meaning from the level of emotional and spiritual commitment involved in a relationship.

 

I think part of the problem is we are such a consumption-oriented culture now, we consume other people and experiences they can offer us. And we rarely get to know the aspect of ourselves that is not related to consuming experiences at all. So I just think it's important to at least nurture that, if one is to have a healthy relationship of any sort.

 

These are just random ideas at this point. I can understand why two mature people who can work well together would want to engage in something like this. Certainly it is better than the torture and heartache of smashed illusions and divorce, which have torn apart families and destroyed lives.

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We are poly-minded, and have had some poly relationships that worked very well while they lasted. We've found it very difficult to find suitable partners again, though, and also find it difficult to consider an arrangement where we have to give up much time with each other. So, we'd either have to find someone(s) who are okay with a more occasional scenario, or who are sufficiently compatible that we could all live together.

 

 

So, we've had more success with open relationships - perhaps FWB - than poly relationships. As for the joys of sexual variety, we can get that with the open relationship model or via swinging, even though the latter lacks the emotional connection which makes poly special.

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There is nothing NOT real about a polyamorous relationship. It's still real, just as intense, just as loving, intimate and close.

 

It just means you are adequately open minded enough to know that committing physically to one single person for the rest if your life, is a completely unreasonable and impossible demand.

 

If you'd like to commit to just one person, and one only, that's fine.

If they feel the same way, that is also fine.

 

But bear in mind that being in a polyamorous relationship is a bit like you going out with all your past girlfriends, at once. And they would be doing the same with all their boyfriends, too.

 

If you have difficulty getting past that, then monogamy is more in your line of thinking.

And that's ok.

 

If that's what you and your partner/s choose and are happy with then that is absolutely fine. However, you seem to imply that people who don't chose that way of life are somehow closed minded. I don't think that's fair.

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I'm poly. :) Do you have some specific questions?

 

I have been to poly groups and I think I understand where everyone comes from well enough. Do you feel like it has to do anything with validation-seeking of insecure people, or people who would have a harder time in a committed relationship due to personality quirks? No matter what poly group I go to (I've been to several), the people are almost always kind of strange, and very often obese.

 

Um. Also, do you think it has to do with an awakening of a sort of second wave of feminism? I feel like the gender roles in our country the past 20 years have been really shaken up, and men are becoming sort of discarded. And women are choosing to support themselves and have many partners for fun, rather than be in a relationship. These are just totally not even half baked ideas, though, and the moment i start talking about it, I start thinking about all sorts of other things like how the majority anglo culture will maintain itself.

Edited by Sunyata
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I have been to poly groups and I think I understand where everyone comes from well enough. Do you feel like it has to do anything with validation-seeking of insecure people, or people who would have a harder time in a committed relationship due to personality quirks? No matter what poly group I go to (I've been to several), the people are almost always kind of strange, and very often obese.

I think there may be some misunderstanding here. I'm not sure what a "poly group" is tbh. People who are meeting up and looking to have relationships with multiple partners? That's more akin to open relationships for sexual gratification by the sound, or swinging. All a polyamorous person is is someone who has more than one romantic interest and relationship, concurrently. I didn't decide to be poly bc it seemed attractive, I just realized I was bc I had simultaneous love for are needs from diff people.

 

Um. Also, do you think it has to do with an awakening of a sort of second wave of feminism? I feel like the gender roles in our country the past 20 years have been really shaken up, and men are becoming sort of discarded. And women are choosing to support themselves and have many partners for fun, rather than be in a relationship. These are just totally not even half baked ideas, though, and the moment i start talking about it, I start thinking about all sorts of other things like how the majority anglo culture will maintain itself.

 

Feminism -not that I'm aware of and not for me personally. It's just love and romance like anybody else's.

 

Gender roles - I think you do have a point here in that women are much more empowered. (Don't really like that word but whatevs.) Men aren't discarded imo, but their stock is down bc we don't actually need them to get by (make a living, etc.).

 

Partners for fun - ironically my relationships are also open, and I have other partners and enjoy them, but calling it "for fun" sounds like a bit of an oversimplification. I view sex with multiple partners as something I'm undeniably driven to/by and something that enriches my life, not just a casual "why not?" activity. Think of it as similar to the way people appreciate art. They don't do that bc it's "fun" - it's much more than that, a part of their very essence. Anyway I'm EXTREMELY into women and if I couldn't pursue lots of them, my life wouldn't be fulfilled. :)

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Thanks.

 

Poly groups are actually strictly discussion groups, although usually people go out for drinks after and there is a lot of connection between the people going on. Usually there are about 40 people there. Sometimes significantly more.

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Michelle ma Belle

There was a very short blip where I actually considered this lifestyle, even put up a profile on one of those poly dating websites. I quickly realized that I'm much to selfish of a lover to share anyone I care about with another person. I'm terribly monogamous :(

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John Bigboote
We all know many, many people who have been committed to each other physically for decades who did not have relationships that imploded, and who would honestly say that they would never have explored outside the relationship.

 

Poly male here.

 

You keep using the words "committed" and "real" in opposition to the word "poly." Poly relationships are just as committed and real as monogamous relationships. The only difference is that there are more than two people in them. You're making the mistake of defining "real and committed" as being monogamy. But a "real and committed" relationship is an emotional and life bond that is a lot deeper than simple sexual monogamy.

 

As a result, it seems that you've got the wrong idea about poly:

Do you feel like it has to do anything with validation-seeking of insecure people, or people who would have a harder time in a committed relationship due to personality quirks?

 

No, from my side of the fence, it feels like quite the opposite. You have to have a pretty deep reservoir of self-confidence to be successfully poly. I've noticed that when mono people think about poly, they tend to think in terms of how many partners we get to have. But when we think about poly, we think of the partners our partners have: "I am so glad that my partner has Albert, Betty, and Chris to help and support them." The only way a poly relationship is going to work is to be happy about your partners having other partners. Knowing that their choice to have other partners isn't a statement about their love for you takes a lot of self-confidence. A validation-seeking insecure person is going to have a hard time.

 

the people are almost always kind of strange, and very often obese.

 

Obese? Really? Take another look. If you didn't know you were at a poly munch or whatever, would you even be noticing their body types? Poly people, like mono people, come in all shapes and sizes. Skinny, fat, short, tall, pretty, ugly, black, white, young, old, good, bad, and indifferent. I'm sure that if I gathered a completely random group of mono people, many of them would also be heavy. But I wouldn't go around saying that mono people are obese just because some of them are.

 

I think part of the problem is we are such a consumption-oriented culture now, we consume other people and experiences they can offer us. And we rarely get to know the aspect of ourselves that is not related to consuming experiences at all.

 

Poly is not about consuming people. It is about letting them be the happiest people they can be, including having many significant social, emotional, and sexual connections.

 

Certainly it is better than the torture and heartache of smashed illusions and divorce, which have torn apart families and destroyed lives.

 

Poly is not an alternative to divorce. It is not because we've tried monogamy and failed. It's because we don't want monogamy in the first place. Poly is our preferred method of living.

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I'd not be interested in a polygamous situation... just too much work. One is plenty.

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I think it's gross...:sick:

 

And, I think that by calling it a "relationship" as normal as any other thing is like putting lipstick on a pig.

 

Yes, I believe men are capable of having more than one woman. And, in some religions, the men are allowed more than one "wife" - mind you, I said "wife" cuz the intent is that you treat the OW with more dignity than just some back-door mistress.

 

And, in these religions - there are "rules" to go by. The guy just can be picking up chicks an putting rings on them. Certain things are at play like having a "need" for another wife (i.e. current wife can't have kids, instead of kicking her to the curb and/or letting her live a life of solitude cuz she can't have kids - the husband and wife agree to allow him to get another wife).

 

Also, the current wife(ves) have a say in "who" the husband picks. And, the husband must have the means to treat each woman "equally". So, if he buys a dress for one, he has to buy a dress for each woman.

 

And, lastly, while these religions allow polygamous RLs to take place - they really weren't put into practice until times of war - where women were widowed and better to have a dude pick them up as a 2nd wife instead of just be "out" there.

 

So, no gross weirdo stuff like cults and the Duggars where some creepy nerdy looking guy is molesting/raping all the minors and converting them into his wives and they walk around like "sister-wives-drones/zombies".

 

As a woman, and while when I was younger I did date more than one person at a time, "boinking" more than one man at a time for me is just not lady-like. As much as women don't like it, we are held to a different standard. We have the ability to create "life" in our bodies (become preggo) so, we just can't be running around opening our legs to more than one guy.

 

I cringe when I watch all these "paternity court" and "Maury" shows where these pieces of garbage are on there telling the world how they don't know who their baby-daddy is. OMG, the horror and embarrassment they put on themselves, family, and children. Sadly, some of their kids also join them on the show to make a clown out of themselves.

 

I'm a one-man-woman...that's as enough penis I need inside of me. I can't envision myself having one guy jizz in me then suiting up to have guy 2 or 3 jizz in me next...I'm not a porn star and/or hooker.

 

As for men having more than one woman? That's been around for centuries...cuz, seems like lot's of "Madonna/ho" situations out there where either the guy marries Miss Lameo and/or after a ring and/or kids the wife turns into Mrs. Lameo. So, in order for the guy to "get some", he gets a honey on the side.

 

Some wives are sorta "ok" with that where they play "la, la, la - I don't hear/see him cheating and at least someone's giving him some so I don't have to be bothered with him and as long as he keeps on brining his check and/or himself home, I could care less if he gets 10 honeys".

 

Men are different than women, they can "compartmentalize" their RLs with women. So, they can probably have sex with their wife that morning and meet the mistress for lunch and not blink. They can even love their wife, and have a mistress. They may even love both women.

 

Women are different - goes back to biology. We "bond" with whom we mate with...again, probably cuz we want to attach ourselves emotionally to whom we give our bodies to - who has the potential to preggo us. Unless a woman is mentally ill/damaged for sure - she's gonna bond. So this polyamorous stuff isn't made for women.

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I've been to some of the meetups here, which are fairly large, and most of the people at them are either obese or have issues. I wonder if these people feel better about themselves by getting more positive strokes/validation from others.

 

Yep, that's what I see on those HBO specials and ID...

 

These "poly" peeps, a lot of them are obese and gross. The swinger and multiple sexing meet-ups looks like animals just humping...and, looks like the room smells like cheese and feet.

 

Also, IMO, I think that poly people 'ARE' the most insecure people. Paul Newman was married to his wife for many years, till she died and he NEVER cheated. And, Paul Newman could have ANY woman he wanted. You know what he was quoted as saying? 'Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?'

 

http://chicvintagebrides.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Paul-Newman-and-Joanne-Woodward.jpg

 

That ID couple I was watching like two Saturdays ago? Lost of ego. Both him and the wife were attractive - actually they were freakin' hot - and "superstar" deputy sherifs, but they had a lot of ego. Guess, they had to keep on "proving" they could bed who they wanted to - hence their "open" marriage, which ended up in the husband getting killed by another co-worker who also had an ego on him.

 

***Gloria25 drops mic and exits stage***

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Michelle ma Belle

Oh Gloria - your commentary cracks me up!

 

I envision you speaking using a lot of hand gestures. Speaking as an Italian, you can imagine my admiration :)

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John Bigboote

***Gloria25 drops mic and exits stage***

 

What? Nooooooo! We were so enjoying the tales of 5th century religious polygamy and Paul Newman!

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So this polyamorous stuff isn't made for women.

So I guess I'm not a woman? :p

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'Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?'

 

 

I have filet mignon at home every day if I want. But sometimes I just want chicken.

 

 

There are a lot of misconceptions about polyamorous relationships and the people in them evident here. Eventually, society will become more aware and accepting, just as happened with interracial and same sex relationships.

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Clarence_Boddicker

For Jen:

 

 

Is it possible for someone (female) to love 2 people (males) equally, or is one always going to be favored over the other? If so, how does one compartmentalized their feelings like that? Do thoughts of one pop into your head, while you're spending time with the other?

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I've only got one guy (and my openness doesn't apply to guys normally), so take this fwiw.

 

It seems like poly people often have a 'primary' and a 'secondary.' I don't tho, they're all equal. That said, I love them all in diff ways, and they all fill unique needs for me.

 

As far as thinking about others goes, my people all know each other and we're all close (there's even been group sex), so it's not like thinking or talking about another would be inappropriate anyway. I'm sure (or I suspect) that for other people, they don't close off thoughts of one while they're with the other.

 

Compartmentalization's not really an issue for me - they all exist and they're all a part of my life. I don't have sections of my life for each of them - it's all a big mix. :)

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TaraMaiden2
If that's what you and your partner/s choose and are happy with then that is absolutely fine. However, you seem to imply that people who don't chose that way of life are somehow closed minded. I don't think that's fair.

 

Sorry cessna, that's not the impression I was attempting to convey at all.

I am in a monogamous relationship, because that's what my H prefers, and I am very happy to live with that.

 

In theory (as I said) there's nothing remotely unnatural or wrong with either.

It depends what people want.

I say that a polyamorous existence is fine, as long as people can cope with the emotions which might arise.

I'll be honest and admit I actually have no idea whether I could, or not.

 

Which is why I stated that the whole situation is great - in theory.....

 

I apologise if i failed to adequately convey my meaning.

 

:)

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compulsivedancer

I have a friend who was in a three-person relationship for about 2.5 years. She was equally in the relationship with her boyfriend AND her girlfriend. It was more work than a relationship as a couple because there were three primary relationships. (Her and the guy, her and the girl, the girl and the guy) Then there was the relationship between the three of them, and each of their relationship to the other relationships.

 

But they were committed only to each other, and did not have an open relationship. She was considering marrying them (not legally, as that's not an option).

 

It worked for them. And while she recently left the relationship (the other two are still together; she broke up with them), it was pretty healthy, and lasted longer than many dating relationships do.

Edited by compulsivedancer
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