Question for Married OM/OW

[Popsicle]

I have read many testimonials of married OM/OW, who are currently in an A, feeling guilt towards their spouse. I've read about them feeling bad and knowing that their spouse doesn't deserve this. Again, I am asking about feeling this DURING the affair, not after it's over and done with. So, my question to those MP's who are still in an A is, how is it that those feelings do not, at the very least, neutralize the good feelings you get from your A and AP? Almost like, for every good feeling, there may be a bad one that goes right along with it that makes the thing not even worth it. Is that what happens? I am curious. If not, then why does that not happen? What makes the A feelings eclipse the guilt? Is it conflict or resentment with your spouse?

 

Thank you in advance.

 

I hope my post makes sense. I typed it quickly.

Edited May 24, 2015 by Popsicle

[RoseVille]

From what I understand from my own MM, the pleasure-guilt thing is cyclical. He was able to compartmentalize, and seeing me regularly would put him into the pleasure phase, rinse, repeat.

[KissofGrace]

I know this ? is posed to MP, however i will share what my MM has told me. He said he feels guilty after we'd be physically intimate because he isn't supposed to be doing it--right vs. wrong: wedding vows, commandments, etc., yet he always wanted to see me almost immediately after. Its like the more guilt he felt, the more he wanted to see me. and that didn't always include sex. Sometimes we just talked, read, watched movies, went hiking, etc. it wasn't always about sex. very interesting dynamic.

[gettingstronger]

Darn, was hoping for some real answers here- I have asked my husband those very same questions but never got an answer that made any sense to me at all-

[Popsicle]

Darn, was hoping for some real answers here- I have asked my husband those very same questions but never got an answer that made any sense to me at all-

 

Yeah I guess it's not gonna happen.

 

I originally started this thread in the OM/OW section because I thought it would get more responses there, but the mods moved it here.

 

If you feel comfortable sharing, what answers did he give?

[Got it]

I have read many testimonials of married OM/OW, who are currently in an A, feeling guilt towards their spouse. I've read about them feeling bad and knowing that their spouse doesn't deserve this. Again, I am asking about feeling this DURING the affair, not after it's over and done with. So, my question to those MP's who are still in an A is, how is it that those feelings do not, at the very least, neutralize the good feelings you get from your A and AP? Almost like, for every good feeling, there may be a bad one that goes right along with it that makes the thing not even worth it. Is that what happens? I am curious. If not, then why does that not happen? What makes the A feelings eclipse the guilt? Is it conflict or resentment with your spouse?

 

Thank you in advance.

 

I hope my post makes sense. I typed it quickly.

 

Okay, my honest answer. Yes I felt guilty for the potential pain it would cause him. I did not feel guilty for the happiness I was getting out of it. So to rectify this I separated almost immediately and divorced. My guilt did not negate the positive feelings that came out of my connection with my AP. The good feelings far exceeded the bad.

 

For my AP - he felt guilty for any pain he would cause her if she found out but actually didn't think there would be much due to the state of their marriage and her previous affair/aftermath. He assumed that while she wouldn't be thrilled greatly underestimated any negative feelings. I remember cautioning him on this. And he saw this is spades after dday, their divorce, etc. He has said while nothing ever showed him that she did love him and was hurt by that, what was shown was her desire to stay in the lifestyle and for him to take care of her. He was blamed for her affair and his affair.

[gettingstronger]

Yeah I guess it's not gonna happen.

 

I originally started this thread in the OM/OW section because I thought it would get more responses there, but the mods moved it here.

 

If you feel comfortable sharing, what answers did he give?

 

 

He said to be involved in an A you have to let go of your integrity and without integrity you can have guilt but its not something you act on or something that effects you much- he said that the first step is more like a jump-you kid yourself that its just once and its no big deal and then, well-you are a liar and a cheater and so guilt is not something that penetrates your psyche- after the A he said he noticed he was looking at himself in the mirror when he brushed his teeth, something he had stopped doing while in the A, it was then that he realized he did have guilt and it ate away at him-

 

Like I said, I don't understand it- at all-I think he doesn't either because he has said, you are looking for answers to why I did the stupidest thing in my life and if I knew, I probably would not have done it- circles, going in circles-

[Popsicle]

Okay, my honest answer. Yes I felt guilty for the potential pain it would cause him. I did not feel guilty for the happiness I was getting out of it. So to rectify this I separated almost immediately and divorced. My guilt did not negate the positive feelings that came out of my connection with my AP. The good feelings far exceeded the bad.

 

For my AP - he felt guilty for any pain he would cause her if she found out but actually didn't think there would be much due to the state of their marriage and her previous affair/aftermath. He assumed that while she wouldn't be thrilled greatly underestimated any negative feelings. I remember cautioning him on this. And he saw this is spades after dday, their divorce, etc. He has said while nothing ever showed him that she did love him and was hurt by that, what was shown was her desire to stay in the lifestyle and for him to take care of her. He was blamed for her affair and his affair.

 

Thank you for that.

[Popsicle]

He said to be involved in an A you have to let go of your integrity and without integrity you can have guilt but its not something you act on or something that effects you much- he said that the first step is more like a jump-you kid yourself that its just once and its no big deal and then, well-you are a liar and a cheater and so guilt is not something that penetrates your psyche- after the A he said he noticed he was looking at himself in the mirror when he brushed his teeth, something he had stopped doing while in the A, it was then that he realized he did have guilt and it ate away at him-

 

Like I said, I don't understand it- at all-I think he doesn't either because he has said, you are looking for answers to why I did the stupidest thing in my life and if I knew, I probably would not have done it- circles, going in circles-

 

Interesting, thank you. I will think on this. Not sure if I feel like it doesn't make sense or not yet...

 

Could he have been doing your basic compartmentalizing (during the A) or double life?

Edited May 24, 2015 by Popsicle

[gettingstronger]

Double life maybe. He's an SVP and travels ton. Many at his level have "roadies" I'm not the typical corporate wife, I have all of my original parts, I'd rather go for a run than corp happy hour when we go on wives included trips. I'm a

teacher, I'm not going to drive a Mercedes to work, I drive an SUV. Our OW paid her own way to visit him on the road, but mentioned many times how the corporate life made her feel like a Princess. Ugh, it's the freaking Hilton, who cares! But none of the explains the lack of guilt which I think is necessary. He disagrees. Who knows.

[Got it]

Thank you for that.

 

Sure. Not sure if it helps. My is different than someone who stayed.

 

I would say that no amount of guilt was high enough if one continued their affair. It just doesn't follow simple logic. If an action causes someone a very uncomfortable response/emotion, that tends to lend them not doing it (obviously this is outside of addictions, etc.). So, in general, I would say that the generic WS, while may have moments/period of guilt, if continued their affair did not feel "guilty enough" to stop said behavior.

[Southern Sun]

I am no longer in my affair, but married (fortunately still married). I will try to explain how I was feeling at the time.

 

Initially, I did not have a ton of guilt. I don't know why. The "high" feelings created by the rush of the affair in the very beginning simply pushed everything else out of the way. The affair went downhill pretty quickly, and then I was quite absorbed in the misery of it - what happened, why did I get myself into this, why did he drag me in only to drop me, how do I get out, etc.

 

I was surprised at my own lack of guilt at the time. Especially after things went bad. I remember feeling like I was in observer mode. Like I was watching someone else's life. It was almost too much for me to handle. I had never had an affair before. I am terrible at comparmentalizing. I don't think it was a lack of guilt so much as simply me being in shock.

 

I would have these brief moments - flashes of gut-wrenching, sick, nauseating guilt. I would break out in a sweat, panic, fear, anxiety would set in. I would wonder what in the hell I was doing. I could not see my way out. And I would get in this loop in my head that simply led me straight back to where I was. I saw no exit. He was my boss, I couldn't quit. Thus...I was just immobilized. So I would just stuff it all back down.

 

The guilt became more pronounced as time went on. But it definitely took the affair going "bad" for it to elbow its way to the forefront.

 

My "affair" was a bit more complicated than some, however. Not exactly a happy love-fest throughout. So I think a lot of my guilt feelings were simply stomped on by other misery - depression and anxiety. Perhaps that's also how my guilt was manifesting. I started losing hair by the handful.

[MissBee]

Sure. Not sure if it helps. My is different than someone who stayed.

 

I would say that no amount of guilt was high enough if one continued their affair. It just doesn't follow simple logic. If an action causes someone a very uncomfortable response/emotion, that tends to lend them not doing it (obviously this is outside of addictions, etc.). So, in general, I would say that the generic WS, while may have moments/period of guilt, if continued their affair did not feel "guilty enough" to stop said behavior.

 

I agree.

 

Or that's why in some cases the marriage is minimized, re-written, or the flaws are exaggerated etc to mitigate guilt. If you feel your spouse deserves it or is horrible to you or "they wouldn't care anyway" or the "they already know but don't care...." it makes you feel less guilty for doing it, especially the one about "she/he knows she/he's just turning a blind" eye. That thought pattern for sure assuages guilt if you believe your spouse secretly knows and is turning a blind eye, it makes it okay, they don't care, you don't have to feel too bad, after all they really know but just don't care.

[Southern Sun]

There's just so much more to this though.

 

What kind of person are you, the married cheater? Are you a serial cheater, a one-time cheater? Was this a one night stand or some love affair? Was it a friends with benefits or were you manipulated with a power imbalance?

 

There is also something that goes on in the mind of a cheater that gives us the "justification" that it's okay to do what I'm doing. I mean, deep down we know it's not really okay. Unless you are character disordered.

 

For some people it's excuses like not enough sex, or my spouse is turning a blind eye. For me, I justified it because I thought I fell in love. If it was about love, in my mind, that made it less bad. I now see all the faulty logic, but at the time, in order to assuage my guilt, I needed SOMETHING. Anything.

 

But everybody's thing is different. My xMM's justification was entirely different. His marriage was miserable, he never really loved her, they did not have sex (more of the typical woes). I was unable to say any of those things, which was very confusing. But I did not want to be unfair to my H. He was good and I knew that.

 

When I started really feeling the guilt and allowing myself to pay attention to it, it was guilt towards my husband and my children. It was a sickening feeling.

 

My xMM claimed he had guilt early on, but it was never towards his BW; it was towards God. Yet he kept coming back for more, so we see how that worked out for him. He was always the pursuer.

 

My guilt was very heavy but I felt trapped in the affair. I realize now it was because I was in a very manipulative relationship. I was miserable yet unable to see my own reality.

[Southern Sun]

I'll share one more thing...apparently I can't get all my thoughts out in one reply.

 

My xMM had a different perspective on guilt that I could not relate with at all.

 

I was not his first affair. He had had a previous affair that he claimed was essentially sex once every month or two, but it lasted for several years. He said it was little more than that. He claimed that he felt far more guilty about our relationship because of the "love." He said he would feel less guilt about a ONS than a typical love affair. In his mind, a ONS has no feelings, you do it, you put it behind you, you move on.

 

But supposedly our affair made him feel very guilty, because of the ongoing actual real feelings. His other affair, though it was long-term, still was basically just sex. So he didn't feel as guilty.

 

I could not understand this at all. But that's because for me, it was only the idea that love made it LESS BAD (not okay, but less bad). It was the opposite for him. As long as there were no feelings, there was less guilt.

 

(I take all this with a grain of salt now, as I have no idea what to believe from him anymore. However I do think he was being honest regarding his position on guilt).

 

A couple more thoughts - I think he felt no guilt towards his BW because he had many many years of resentment built up towards her. However I believe this is more HIS fault than hers. I'm sure there's a lot to this, but he painted a very one-sided picture that I think was unfair.

 

As far as my initial lack of guilt, I think one thing you may not be considering is that when an affair starts, a wayward is simply not thinking of the BS. It is not about the BS. They (most of the time) aren't trying to HURT the BS; it's not about them at all. It's a totally self-centered thing, so there's no room for guilt in the very beginning. It just takes a little time and a few doses of reality for it to start creeping in.

Edited May 24, 2015 by Southern Sun

[Popsicle]

I am no longer in my affair, but married (fortunately still married). I will try to explain how I was feeling at the time.

 

Initially, I did not have a ton of guilt. I don't know why. The "high" feelings created by the rush of the affair in the very beginning simply pushed everything else out of the way. The affair went downhill pretty quickly, and then I was quite absorbed in the misery of it - what happened, why did I get myself into this, why did he drag me in only to drop me, how do I get out, etc.

 

I was surprised at my own lack of guilt at the time. Especially after things went bad. I remember feeling like I was in observer mode. Like I was watching someone else's life. It was almost too much for me to handle. I had never had an affair before. I am terrible at comparmentalizing. I don't think it was a lack of guilt so much as simply me being in shock.

 

I would have these brief moments - flashes of gut-wrenching, sick, nauseating guilt. I would break out in a sweat, panic, fear, anxiety would set in. I would wonder what in the hell I was doing. I could not see my way out. And I would get in this loop in my head that simply led me straight back to where I was. I saw no exit. He was my boss, I couldn't quit. Thus...I was just immobilized. So I would just stuff it all back down.

 

The guilt became more pronounced as time went on. But it definitely took the affair going "bad" for it to elbow its way to the forefront.

 

My "affair" was a bit more complicated than some, however. Not exactly a happy love-fest throughout. So I think a lot of my guilt feelings were simply stomped on by other misery - depression and anxiety. Perhaps that's also how my guilt was manifesting. I started losing hair by the handful.

 

I'm sorry you went through that.

 

Everything you're saying is very enlightening. Thank you.