Leading someone on, and being led on.

[E-Squared]

What are some reasons that you can think of for something like this to happen? I will say that I have led a couple of women on, but my reasons were more flattery and stroke-to-the-ego that someone liked me, but I realized that I was not interested in them. I am not going to make any lousy excuses for doing that, because they were, in no way, good things that I did.

 

The first girl was at a time when I was bitter and lonely, and when a mutual friend told me that she liked me, I felt flattered about it. I also told myself to go with it, even though I was not totally into her, mostly because I thought it was my chance to get lucky (Not lying about that either). Of course, whatever it was (Because it was definitely not really a relationship), it last only a two and a half weeks. The girl dumped me because I didn't put time and effort into it.

 

The other one, which I think was worse than the previous one, did like me and, again, it was a stroke to my ego and made her think that I liked her because she liked me. Of course, I felt a little bad about it because I kept on telling her things like I thought about her and all that stuff, but it wasn't true. We didn't talk much on and off for a few months, because I had a falling out with the previous girl (They were friends at the time). Sometime during those months, I got more interested in this transit bus driver who I started talking to and dated her for a little bit. One night, while I was still dating that girl, the girl who I led on called me out of the blue. I mentioned to her that I was seeing someone, and she got really upset about it. It's like I took a knife and stabbed her right in the heart. We didn't talk for months after that. I still talk to her now, and she has told me that she never really got over me, despite dating a couple of guys after that.

 

I owned up to my own mistake with the second girl, because it really was a lot worse than the other one. I guess I found out the hard way that it's not always possible to like someone because the other person liked you first, even though that was my mentality at the time. I tried to give them a chance, but I was not totally into them, but I led them to think that I was. I wish I could have told the previous girl that I didn't see her that way, but with how I was at the time, I guess one could see why I did that.

 

Have you ever been the leader? What about the leadee? Tell me some of your stories.

[Tayla]

Usually its purely for self serving reasons. 1: financial gain2: the thrill of the chase and capture. 3: status climber. 4: art of manipulation. 5: superiority complex.

 

No story to tell really as the concept is sometimes contingent on what side was being portrayed or expanded upon. Some would say the person cried victim , some would say the manipulator was just "being honest" when they tossed the person to the curb, and gosh don't we just Love that character trait of honesty when done in such a way. SMH.

[Gloria25]

I don't "lead people on"...

 

While I may flirt and/or communicate with someone and then lose interest - it's not cuz I intentionally needed them to inflate my ego, it just happens.

 

Also, if I see they want more and/or are interested and I see myself having no chance with them, I put distance in between - I won't even keep them as a friend.

 

As a "leadee"?

 

I think I'm in a situation right now where I'm feeding a guy's ego. He enjoys the attention he gets from me, and doesn't appear to want to let it go. Part of it is my fault cuz like the chick that dumped you when you weren't putting any effort into it, I should ignore him and just call it a day.

 

I think it's mean what he does at times, cuz I think he knows that certain things he does makes me think there's a "glimmer" of hope one day he will actually date me.

 

But, at the end of the day, players will be players and you cannot control other's actions - you can only control your own and if you don't see someone following through, you gotta do what's right for you and move on.

 

Part of me think he's scared that if he does engage me that "I" will be the one who loses interest, and yes, while I have been in situations where once I get what I want I'm done, I've also seen a guy more than once - regardless if its for months and/or years. So, while we both seem to have similar egos - I believe he is using me to fulfill his ego and has no intention of having a RL with me, while I actually want a RL with him (of a casual nature of course).

 

But, things have gone on so long between us, that I hope this isn't turning into a situation where I'm now more concerned about just "getting" him, that I lost sight of actually "wanting" to be with him like I did from the get-go. Cuz, in part, when he first wanted a hook-up, I turned him down not only cuz I was busy that day and just don't have sex on the fly with someone I'm not in a RL with - I also was not looking for a hook-up, I was looking for someone who was gonna come back for 2nds...But, he makes me so mad at times now that I wonder if he killed any desire I'd ever have to actually want to be with him instead of just "getting" him at this point.

 

At the end of the day - with him or any other guy - I do not "lead" guys on. I actually am considerate of other people and their feelings.

[Davey L]

I led on a few girls in my youth, 20+ years ago. I still feel bad about it now because I think it was a cruel thing to do. One of them in particular I remember well because I really liked her and I don't know why I behaved like I did.

[Timshel]

The attention and/or affection of other people is a responsibility if you choose to engage/interact with them. If you don't want to have their feelings or desire on your shoulders; Don't engage is the way I see it.

 

Gloria is a kitten in a lion's pelt. Honestly, I would want to kick someone's behiney for being insensitive to you. You have it figured out so no thing.

[autumnnight]

Intentionally leading someone on, I believe, is all about ego. I think it is possible to unintentionally lead someone on, and I also think it is possible to THINK someone is leading you on when they are just being nice. The latter seems to happen a lot these days.

[No Limit]

A friend of mine is being led on by the type of guy I'd consider a loser. He'll be 30 soon and lives with his parents. He has a perfect setup for what he's doing - he's in a LDR with my friend, while his ex lives in his city. He bangs his ex when my friend isn't around so that makes it the majority of the time; my friend has passwords to his Facebook but still won't go check even though he let her know he's been visiting his ex; she's currently visiting him and texted me that he found her address in his search history, but still she tolerates it.

 

Can't speak for the ex involved but as for my friend... she has no job and her home situation is pretty tough. She doesn't have anything else so she sticks around with this fella who she considers a good catch because he has a job and earns " a lot of money" when his paycheck is barely on average level. I quit trying to show her the obvious because it has to click inside her head and apparently she has to do so on her own. A few days ago I asked her why she thinks she's still with him, and after a short pause she just said "don't know".

 

 

tl;dr - loser guy having an easy time stringing along a girl who has been on rock bottom for a long time

[writergal]

#1 reason why men lead women on:

 

Ego boost

 

I was led on, with a guy online who claimed his was single but he really wasn't. I was a placeholder for his ego. Later, when I called him out on leading me on, instead of admitting that he had and apologize for it, chose to gaslight me instead, calling me 'crazy,' and telling his girlfriend that I was crazy etc.,. and she posted messages meant for me on her Facebook page, where she called me stupid, fat and crazy.

 

Bit o' trivia about the word "gaslight": it comes from a 1938 play called "Gas Light" where the husband tries to drive his wife crazy using various tricks to try to get her to question her own perception of reality and her sanity.

 

To this day, I will never understand why he did that to me. I didn't ask for his attention nor did I even want it. He is a jerk for doing that to me and he knows it.

 

As far as online dating goes, the men I chatted with and eventually met, commonly led me on to believe things about them that turned out not to be true. It's left a really bitter taste in my mouth and I refuse to trust online dating as a platform to meet men. Of course, men can lead women on in real life, offline, too. I think that it's easier to spot men who will lead you on in person, than online.

Edited May 24, 2015 by writergal

[autumnnight]

#1 reason why men lead women on:

 

Ego boost

 

I was led on, with a guy online who claimed his was single but he really wasn't. I was a placeholder for his ego. Later, when I called him out on leading me on, instead of admitting that he had and apologize for it, chose to gaslight me instead, calling me 'crazy,' and telling his girlfriend that I was crazy etc.,. and she posted messages meant for me on her Facebook page, where she called me stupid, fat and crazy.

 

Bit o' trivia about the word "gaslight": it comes from a 1938 play called "Gas Light" where the husband tries to drive his wife crazy using various tricks to try to get her to question her own perception of reality and her sanity.

 

To this day, I will never understand why he did that to me. I didn't ask for his attention nor did I even want it. He is a jerk for doing that to me and he knows it.

 

As far as online dating goes, the men I chatted with and eventually met, commonly led me on to believe things about them that turned out not to be true. It's left a really bitter taste in my mouth and I refuse to trust online dating as a platform to meet men. Of course, men can lead women on in real life, offline, too. I think that it's easier to spot men who will lead you on in person, than online.

 

I am so sorry that happened to you, writer. I've been twisted into knots by an online lethario as well. It's weird how they can make you feel so much and then turn around and blame you for your own hurt. And heaven forbid you call them on it...then it REALLY gets ugly.

 

I try to keep all my romantic interactions 100% face to face now. Too many variables online.

[writergal]

I am so sorry that happened to you, writer. I've been twisted into knots by an online lethario as well. It's weird how they can make you feel so much and then turn around and blame you for your own hurt. And heaven forbid you call them on it...then it REALLY gets ugly.

 

I try to keep all my romantic interactions 100% face to face now. Too many variables online.

 

And that is EXACTLY what he did -- twist it around try to blame me for my own hurt. Makes me wonder if guys who do the gaslight thing to women, don't truly respect women on a deep subconscious level. Otherwise, why do that?

 

I also keep all my interactions with guys 100% face to face now. I agree. Too many variables (and traps) online.

 

So, I just looked around online for more reasons (other than the ego boost reason) why men lead women on. Here's the reasons that I came across:

 

1. They are too nice. I.e. they are too cowardly to tell you the truth: they don't like you.

 

2. They like the attention. I.e. Ego boost.

 

3. They are confused. I.e. They don't know what they want or are waiting for their object of affection to make up her mind, so they play the field with other women until that other woman makes up her mind.

 

4. They are just playing the field.I.e. Because they don't want to commit to one person.

 

5. They're already in a relationship.I.e. He flirts with single women while he's in a relationship and doesn't take his own flirting seriously. But the single women he flirts with reads his flirting as intentional (and doesn't necessarily know that he's in a relationship). He goes through the motions of flirting because for him it's fun and that's it. He doesn't think (or care) about the consequences.

 

6. Because he wants to.I.e. He just likes to flirt with women regardless of whether he's in a relationship or not. He won't stop doing it until he's called out on it. And even then, he gaslights the woman because "hey I didn't lead you on, you just thought I did so it's your own fault."

 

7. They didn't think their flirting was leading you on. I.e. This happens when he's on a platonic level but she's not (because the platonic boundary hasn't been made clear by either person).

 

8. He wants sex, sex, sex.I.e. obvious reason: sex.

 

9. He's a psychopath.I.e. He's crazy but you don't realize this until after you've spent more than 20 minutes with him.

[Rewan]

Having endured being led on by a number of romantic potentials in the past, I try to make it a rule for myself never to put myself in the position where I could potentially lead someone on.

 

I guess if I really think about it, though, I did come close once. There was a guy that I was talking to that was a virgin. We flirted a little the first night we talked, and I thought there could be potential for more than physical attraction. But then he started acting a little too forward towards the end of the night by calling me by pet names and telling me he couldn't wait to be my boyfriend. That kind of put things into perspective for me, and I realized that I didn't feel like there was the potential for more any longer. The next day, he started talking to me again and began going on and on about how he had a dream about me and that he knew I'd be the best boyfriend ever. At that point, I responded that I didn't feel like things, for me, could ever be anything more than platonic. I say that I was close because I didn't vocalize how I felt the previous night and instead waited until he contacted me. I guess I was hoping he'd leave it go and chalk it up to one crazy night with a complete stranger. I should have just texted him and not put him in a position where he could go on and on about his feelings like that. Since then, I have tried to make things better between us by offering support and advice in hopes of helping him find a guy that can give him what I couldn't.

 

Mostly in my experience, however, I've been led on because I offer emotional support. Usually the guys that I find end up facing some kind of problem or some problems. And I listen and offer advice and support; then they keep me around for when things go wrong again and suddenly have no time for me when things go right. I guess sometimes I feel like it'd just be nice for once in a while to have a guy be there for me like that in return should things ever go wrong for me. It might seem pointless, but it's true.

[Elif]

I have never led anyone on. When someone confesses that they have feelings for me, and I feel nothing I say so. The only guys who have confessed to me are the ones Ive not even hugged or kissed with. Just guys Ive known through work or friends.

 

I have been led on quite several times. One of the guys was someone I was really in love with (first person I was ever in love with). We got along great, he said he liked me, we had common interests, we were friends first I suppose... but whenever I asked about actually being together he was just like.. "why cant things just be the way they are.. why are you pressuring me.. dont make me choose, I dont want to lose you etc " This went on for a while till he finally said that he likes me but never ever wants to be together with me, that its hard to understand but he is sorry and hopes we can continue as friends". Alltogether I knew him for 7 years and for most of it we were friends, but he always knew that I had feelings for him. In my opinion if you know that someone has feelings for you and you really do not or you are confused then it is not OK to keep messing around with that person. He was pretty lonely in general and depressed too.. so I guess he just used me for company.

 

The other time it was a guy I had a thing with for 3 months. I didnt expect anything but he stated showing up at my workplace, asking if I have time for lunch, we held hands in public, lots of compliments and so on.. ( I didnt have sex with him in the first month) .. I even met his mother at some point. Till one day on MSN he asked me if I liked him as a friend or more.... I said that I liked him more than a friend.. and he just said.. "oh.. i dont." I asked why he waited 3 months for this... he said he wasnt sure about me... So that was fantastic. He later called me crying. I would call that being led on, too.

[Shining One]

I've only led women on for the sake of sex (ONS or the occasional short fling).

 

In high school and college, I was led on quite a few times for use of my brain. Girls would entice me so I would help with homework and school projects. It's rather ironic, I was smart enough to be used for this, but not smart enough to figure out I was being used. After college, I've been led on for free meals/drinks and ego boosts.

[E-Squared]

Just curious, but do you think that when I gave that one girl a chance that I led her on? I found out later on that I was not into her, but at the time I had given her a chance because I was flattered and excited over the fact that someone was interested in me. So I gave it a go, mostly because I felt lonely. However, I looked back that even some of my behavior during that time showed that I wasn't into her, nor did I act like I was in a relationship. For example, she was mostly the one doing the calling. Another example was her asking me to go over to her apartment because she was sick, but I had no mode of transport, or a license at the time, to go over there, except for public transportation. It was only two weeks into our "relationship," but I know it would have taken me forever to get there if I took public transportation to get there. She gave me some crap about it.

 

I was once given crap about how I didn't make a move once when she took me back to her apartment after lunch. All we did was just hang out and talk. Some friends of mine said that when a girl invites you in, then that means she wants something more. Of course, I did not seize the opportunity, because I didn't know what she wanted.

 

So was that leading her on? The other example I made was a definite example, but what about the first one?

[BC1980]

If you lead someone on, there's got to be some sort of personal gain involved, and that could come in many shapes and forms. I think there are a lot of common reasons that have been mentioned like ego, financial gain, status, companionship, waiting for someone better to come along. I think those are the truly insidious reasons that are plotted out to some extent.

 

In a similar vein, I sometimes wonder if there are people who are not self-aware enough to understand their motivations. I think they overestimate their commitment or possibly mean what they say at the time and can't follow through when the time comes. I would think common scenario of the man not leaving his wife for his affair partner could be an example of that. Maybe he means to leave his wife in the heat of the moment, but he can never actually do it when the time comes. Still, it's not an excuse.