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This feels like a power play


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OK, yet again I got chatting to a nice guy online. He was local, sounded nice, keen, about the right age and intelligent. We exchange a few messages and I notice the emphasis is on the physical. He doesn't chat about much else. This tells me that's all he's looking for. I'm starting to feel a bit despondent at this point because I'm not looking for shallow, single-mindedness.

 

Eventually, the guy messages me that he's feeling aroused just chatting to me. So I could have responded in several ways. I'm frustrated that he brings this up so early on and at the lack of manners. I know that by telling him I'm not happy with this, he's going to get upset and annoyed. Sure enough he does and says goodbye. I am left feeling hurt and annoyed myself.

 

This happens a lot and I hate it. The guys are clearly only interested in sex and not a person. They don't like it if you try to get to know them. It feels like a power play - talk about sex with me or I'll abandon you. I'm just as interested in sex as anyone else, maybe moreso, lol, but respect comes first and getting to know a person. Why do these guy assume you are not interested because you take care and why do they decide you need punishing because you won't go along with their 'plan' whatever it is? It really feels quite unpleasant and demoralising to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing, especially if the guy sounds nice to start off with.

Edited by spiderowl
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angel.eyes

I don't see it as a power play at all. They are simply being very clear about what they want--a hookup, FB, whatever. Their behavior...a focus exclusively on the sexual and their pointed lack of enthusiasm for "getting to know you" simply means that they have zero interest in anything that might lead to anything else. If you're not interested in a hit-it-then-quit-it scenario, move on.

 

People are in the dating market for many different reasons. Recognize that and focus on trying to identify guys who want the same things that you do.

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angel.eyes

Also, what do your profile and pictures...your advertisement, if you will...say about you? How can you change these so that you attract the types of guys who want more than a quick hit? If this is a recurring problem, you're likely conveying the wrong message via your profile/photos.

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Thanks, I completely agree that's all he's looking for. Of course that's not what he said initially. He said he didn't want casual, but almost everything about his phrasing and responses suggested the focus was on sex. Sex is what most seek in a romantic relationship so it's false to suggest that someone who needs more than tha does not like sex. But whatever, it really feels like these guys are goal-focussed. As soon as they realise you are not in it purely for that, they then throw in these 'test' messages, like the 'aroused' one above. I think they do it because they want to get to their goal quickly and don't want to waste time. I also feel they are controlling guys, that it's not just about being a hot-blooded male, it's about control. If you defy them, they react in a mean way.

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Also, what do your profile and pictures...your advertisement, if you will...say about you? How can you change these so that you attract the types of guys who want more than a quick hit? If this is a recurring problem, you're likely conveying the wrong message via your profile/photos.

 

I have a head shot on my profile, that's all, no body, no cleavage. I don't want that kind of attention. My profile says I'm looking to get to know a guy and not leap into anything. There is nothing about my profile to suggest I'm interested in casual sex, nothing. These guys are just trying it on. I wish I knew how to interest the decent guys. The serious guys who contact me tend to be too serious and controlling from the start or are clingy. The major serious problem I have with online dating is that most guys lack intelligence or manners. Both are essential to me.

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Uhggg, gross! Get off line Spiderowl. You'll just have to be involved with the world around you and wait for a good one.

 

Terrible, I knooooowww. When you're horny and ready to love, waiting sucks but you have to. Don't contaminate your beautiful mind with sh*t. :)

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angel.eyes

I have a detailed profile and seven realistic photos of me doing things I love. The more detail you have, the better I think. If you stay vague, people fill in what they want. I'm pretty clear about the type of person I am and why I'm dating. That's what I attract.

 

FWIW, this is my second time using OLD, the first time led to a three-year relationship. I'm having a similar experience meeting the right types of guys again.

 

Try tweaking your profile and adding more than a face shot. Best of luck!

 

I have a head shot on my profile, that's all, no body, no cleavage. I don't want that kind of attention. My profile says I'm looking to get to know a guy and not leap into anything. There is nothing about my profile to suggest I'm interested in casual sex, nothing. These guys are just trying it on. I wish I knew how to interest the decent guys. The serious guys who contact me tend to be too serious and controlling from the start or are clingy. The major serious problem I have with online dating is that most guys lack intelligence or manners. Both are essential to me.
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It sounds like he was mainly looking for sex despite the misdirection. The meanness thing is easy - it's insecurity talking. You bscly rejected his advances after all, so that makes him feel self-conscious and embarrassed, and people often deal with that by lashing out and 'sharing the hurt' so to speak.

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Lois_Griffin

The assclowns looking for sex aren't going to take the time to look at all the pictures on your profile or read your stuff detailing who you are and what you want.

 

They don't CARE.

 

It's a NUMBERS game for these idiots. They randomly message a bunch of different women and whoever responds they begin the weeding process. If they talk about sex and you're good with it, then they've found a wiling person. If you're not, it's 'goodbye and good luck' and they're onto the next one that showed an interest.

 

You were just a number to him. Nothing more.

 

These douche bags show their cards pretty early in the game as they don't want to spend too much time 'grooming' you if it's not going to get them anywhere. When I was online dating, at the first HINT of anything sexual or disrespectful, I simply cut them right off at the knees and didn't look back. I have better things to do with my time then to be some mouth-breather's entertainment.

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salparadise
The assclowns looking for sex aren't going to take the time to look at all the pictures on your profile or read your stuff detailing who you are and what you want.

 

They don't CARE.

 

It's a NUMBERS game for these idiots. They randomly message a bunch of different women and whoever responds they begin the weeding process. If they talk about sex and you're good with it, then they've found a wiling person. If you're not, it's 'goodbye and good luck' and they're onto the next one that showed an interest.

 

You were just a number to him. Nothing more.

 

These douche bags show their cards pretty early in the game as they don't want to spend too much time 'grooming' you if it's not going to get them anywhere. When I was online dating, at the first HINT of anything sexual or disrespectful, I simply cut them right off at the knees and didn't look back. I have better things to do with my time then to be some mouth-breather's entertainment.

 

I just love the way your mind works... hilarious! Assclown, idiot, douche bag, mouth-breathers... simply because he makes his intentions apparent? Would you rather he recited some poetry to pierce your illusion of virtue and then say, "not exactly what I had in mind, but better than boiled kale" as he zips up with a big ole grin and heads for the exit?

 

There is this category of womenz who feel entitled to being woo'd and coo'd and having every man on the planet lined up subjugating himself to give them exactly what they want on on a silver platter... and if they encounter one guy who doesn't play that game to their expectation, they call him every name in the book. There's a new category in the DSM-V, "vagina narcissism."

 

I'm guessing it never occurred to you that what you want might not be any more important or valid than what he wants... and at least he goes about it without spewing vitriol all over you for wanting something different. We'll have to start a new twitter meme- #hashtag Lois underscore Griffin... use poetry to lubricate.

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I just love the way your mind works... hilarious! Assclown, idiot, douche bag, mouth-breathers... simply because he makes his intentions apparent? Would you rather he recited some poetry to pierce your illusion of virtue and then say, "not exactly what I had in mind, but better than boiled kale" as he zips up with a big ole grin and heads for the exit?

 

There is this category of womenz who feel entitled to being woo'd and coo'd and having every man on the planet lined up subjugating himself to give them exactly what they want on on a silver platter... and if they encounter one guy who doesn't play that game to their expectation, they call him every name in the book. There's a new category in the DSM-V, "vagina narcissism."

 

I'm guessing it never occurred to you that what you want might not be any more important or valid than what he wants... and at least he goes about it without spewing vitriol all over you for wanting something different. We'll have to start a new twitter meme- #hashtag Lois underscore Griffin... use poetry to lubricate.

 

I have no issue with a guy going after what he wants, as long as he's honest about it. If a woman clearly states she's not interested in casual and wants to get to know a guy and find a real connection, then what place does he have in pretending he wants the same then throwing in a curveball which shows he doesn't? I sense some kind of aggression there and intention to hurt if he can't get what he wants.

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thefooloftheyear

Cant add much here...He did the right thing by not bullshytting you and telling you what you want to hear just for a piece...but the whole, "I am gonna take my ball and go home" was pretty lame...

 

TFY

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Shining One
I sense some kind of aggression there and intention to hurt if he can't get what he wants.
What are you basing this on? Has he said or done anything hurtful to you? I didn't see anything like this in your first post, so I'm a bit unclear.
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No power play here, IMO....

 

Unfortunately, although Ashley Madison, Tinder, Craigslist and Adult Friend Finder exists...most guys on OLD aren't using it to "date", they are looking for "hook-ups".

 

I wish the websites would do a better job on screening and allowing certain people to post - not fair you're paying your money to either have the websites set up fake profiles, say that they're "active" when they're not and/or have to deal with horny losers.

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Spider.

 

Like you I have absolutely NOTHING on my profile that would suggest I am into hook ups, just want sex etc.

 

I logged on on Thursday for the first time in ages and low and behold my phone now has new pictures of 4 new penises... I said no to all who sent them.

 

The only person I had met before this weekend that I got on really well with has come back and offer FB situation. We both know it is not going to work in a relationship...

 

This weekend I actually managed to meet a normal great guy. I was thrilled. But he doesn't fancy me...

 

So honey your buggared if you do and your buggared if you don't...

 

Just use block and ignore features and in a funny way you can look on the bright side as at least it sorts the chaff out rather quickly... Penis pics before you meet or straight after? Chuck 'em straight back in the pond...

 

Do not let on where you live or work for a while and they have no way of finding you to be able to do anything nasty.

 

Chin up chook. Just ignore the dross.

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OK, yet again I got chatting to a nice guy online. He was local, sounded nice, keen, about the right age and intelligent. We exchange a few messages and I notice the emphasis is on the physical. He doesn't chat about much else. This tells me that's all he's looking for. I'm starting to feel a bit despondent at this point because I'm not looking for shallow, single-mindedness.

 

Eventually, the guy messages me that he's feeling aroused just chatting to me. So I could have responded in several ways. I'm frustrated that he brings this up so early on and at the lack of manners. I know that by telling him I'm not happy with this, he's going to get upset and annoyed. Sure enough he does and says goodbye. I am left feeling hurt and annoyed myself.

 

This happens a lot and I hate it. The guys are clearly only interested in sex and not a person. They don't like it if you try to get to know them. It feels like a power play - talk about sex with me or I'll abandon you. I'm just as interested in sex as anyone else, maybe moreso, lol, but respect comes first and getting to know a person. Why do these guy assume you are not interested because you take care and why do they decide you need punishing because you won't go along with their 'plan' whatever it is? It really feels quite unpleasant and demoralising to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing, especially if the guy sounds nice to start off with.

 

 

It wasn't a power play. He was in the market for something different than you.

 

He didn't 'punish' you. He just moved on to look for someone that was offering what he was looking for.

 

Think of it as walking into a doughnut shop little for a creme filled doughnut and all they have a jelly filled.

 

Saying thanks but no thanks and walking on down to look for a shop that has creme filled is not a power play nor is it punishment to the first shop. It's just continuing the search for what you are in the market for.

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Spider.

 

Like you I have absolutely NOTHING on my profile that would suggest I am into hook ups, just want sex etc.

 

I logged on on Thursday for the first time in ages and low and behold my phone now has new pictures of 4 new penises... I said no to all who sent them.

 

The only person I had met before this weekend that I got on really well with has come back and offer FB situation. We both know it is not going to work in a relationship...

 

This weekend I actually managed to meet a normal great guy. I was thrilled. But he doesn't fancy me...

 

So honey your buggared if you do and your buggared if you don't...

 

Just use block and ignore features and in a funny way you can look on the bright side as at least it sorts the chaff out rather quickly... Penis pics before you meet or straight after? Chuck 'em straight back in the pond...

 

Do not let on where you live or work for a while and they have no way of finding you to be able to do anything nasty.

 

Chin up chook. Just ignore the dross.

 

Four penis pics!!!!

 

One more and you'd have five!!!

 

I'm jealous!!!

 

No, sarcasm aside, what website are you on? I mean, Craigslist is usually where penis pics are the norm.

 

I'm still wondering "where" men get this notion that we need to just see a picture of their penis. Women aren't visual like men. You could send men a pic of a pair of boobs and he would be in heaven - women don't work like that - even "if" we were looking for something casual. :rolleyes:

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OK, yet again I got chatting to a nice guy online. He was local, sounded nice, keen, about the right age and intelligent. We exchange a few messages and I notice the emphasis is on the physical. He doesn't chat about much else. This tells me that's all he's looking for. I'm starting to feel a bit despondent at this point because I'm not looking for shallow, single-mindedness.

 

Eventually, the guy messages me that he's feeling aroused just chatting to me. So I could have responded in several ways. I'm frustrated that he brings this up so early on and at the lack of manners. I know that by telling him I'm not happy with this, he's going to get upset and annoyed. Sure enough he does and says goodbye. I am left feeling hurt and annoyed myself.

 

This happens a lot and I hate it. The guys are clearly only interested in sex and not a person. They don't like it if you try to get to know them. It feels like a power play - talk about sex with me or I'll abandon you. I'm just as interested in sex as anyone else, maybe moreso, lol, but respect comes first and getting to know a person. Why do these guy assume you are not interested because you take care and why do they decide you need punishing because you won't go along with their 'plan' whatever it is? It really feels quite unpleasant and demoralising to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing, especially if the guy sounds nice to start off with.

 

 

Well. Here's the deal. Relationships are a lot of hard work. Lets take for granted the sexual interest a woman might have in a guy. You still have to get to know her. Her likes and dislikes. You still have to spend time with her. Go out with her, spend money on them(this is reality for many men, especially young women with young men) deal with her problems, maybe deal with her family. You have to mesh yourself well with her friends, make them like you.

 

Many men are not interested in that. Sex is not really worthwhile if its not offered for free. The most dissapointing sex was the sex I had was with women I had to work hard to get, and they told me they had been attracted to me since the start. Funny.

 

Life is short and there are plenty of women who are attractive and interested in keeping things casual. Women who offer sex without expecting anything in return(besides good sex).

 

The guy you are chatting with is one of those. Get used to it?

 

There is nothing wrong with ''only interested'' in sex. Not every interaction has to deal to relationships and eventually marriage, you know. Most men have a job. Many of those men don't want another job. I know that there are men in happy long-term relationships.. but dude, the amount of whinning and crying I hear from my friends who are in relationships(50+ close friends + 100 more or less personal relationships; all men) is probably one of the reasons why so many men are turned off from dating and just want to get some fun.

 

You show yourself to be a guy with a great sense of humor, charisma, personality. Then you make your intentions clear. Sex. It works. Men do what works. Just keep meeting men until you find one who wants a relationsip with you. They are out there.

 

This brings me back to when I was 22 and I was listening to this woman, my own age, tell my friend how guys approach her and say, ''hey, I want to have sex with you, are you in or not?' They wouldn't even bother to ask tthe girl's name, let alone acting all nice lol. It was even funnier when I tried to get with her and she told me she would only have me if I was her boyfriend first.

 

 

Next'd.

 

Now had she been Jennifer Lawrence with that offer.. :p

 

Oh, and that guy you're talking to sounds thirsty as hell.. he probably hasn't gotten laid in a good few months. That's why he only talks about it.

 

Because they're spoiled little boys who don't know anything about love or care to learn it.

 

*softly chuckles to himself.*

 

Does he have a job? Children don't have jobs(well, they're not supposed to have them at the very least)

 

Does he pay his bills?

 

Does he respect the law and his fellow man and woman?

 

it seems to me that he's a man.

 

Shaming someone, in this case a man, for not wanting what someone else doesn't work. It makes us visualize our mothers and how we'd grin and go back to getting mud all over us as she was admonishing us for behaving.. like the boys we were.

 

I don't know, dude. Love is kinda expensive. If not monetary at the very least emotionally and its impact in the man's health. I know guys who died in his 40s due to stress, heart issues complicated by emotional heartbreak, and guys who took to drugs and other similar stuff out of the love they felt for their girlfriends and wives, who either dumped them, used them, or divorced them and took them to the cleaners.

 

I'm still wondering "where" men get this notion that we need to just see a picture of their penis. Women aren't visual like men. You could send men a pic of a pair of boobs and he would be in heaven - women don't work like that - even "if" we were looking for something casual.

 

Go to a beach, a nightclub, a bar. Anywhere where there are young women and young men. The men who are being noticed are men who are physically attractive, men who have a nice face, a great smile, or great abs. Penis picks don't work, that is true, and its rather juvenile to send women you are not sleeping with penis pics, but showing off your body, if youa re fit and defined works just fine. Plenty of my friends find great success on tinder after uploading their gains onto their profiles(gains = muscle mass increase).

Edited by Elam
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OK, yet again I got chatting to a nice guy online. He was local, sounded nice, keen, about the right age and intelligent. We exchange a few messages and I notice the emphasis is on the physical. He doesn't chat about much else. This tells me that's all he's looking for. I'm starting to feel a bit despondent at this point because I'm not looking for shallow, single-mindedness.

 

Eventually, the guy messages me that he's feeling aroused just chatting to me. So I could have responded in several ways. I'm frustrated that he brings this up so early on and at the lack of manners. I know that by telling him I'm not happy with this, he's going to get upset and annoyed. Sure enough he does and says goodbye. I am left feeling hurt and annoyed myself.

 

Online dating really seems like a tough sort of game, that you probably have to go into wearing a psychological suit of armour (if you go into it at all). I would say that any time you're feeling a bit down or fragile, it's probably best to skip the online dating that day.

 

Those days that you are up to dealing with it all, my advice (from observation of friends and their online dating dalliances) is that even if you find somebody's behaviour a bit off, it's best to just try to be polite, nice and have confidence in your own boundaries. So if some random messages you and starts trying to sexualise the conversation early on into the chat and tries to make you feel silly for not being comfortable with that, maybe something along with "Not to sound chilly, but I suspect we're looking for different things from this site. Good luck, though."

 

Certainly, I'm with you in that I wouldn't be interested in having sex chat with some random stranger on a dating site...but no doubt there are a lot of people looking for just that who you have to sift through before you find somebody who's more on your wavelength.

 

I think if you can just have a standard "good luck" message at hand for the moment you pick up on somebody being a "just sex" kind of a guy, it'll be that bit easier to keep your interactions with them brief and civil - and then move on to find others who you're more likely to connect with.

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Four penis pics!!!!

 

One more and you'd have five!!!

 

I'm jealous!!!

 

No, sarcasm aside, what website are you on? I mean, Craigslist is usually where penis pics are the norm.

 

I'm still wondering "where" men get this notion that we need to just see a picture of their penis. Women aren't visual like men. You could send men a pic of a pair of boobs and he would be in heaven - women don't work like that - even "if" we were looking for something casual. :rolleyes:

 

No thanks. Various pictures of four different penises is more than enough... These are just since Thursday. I logged on for 5 minutes earlier today to respond to messages and was asked if I liked anal. Needless to say I logged off fast.

 

OK Cupid.

 

There are nice guys on there but you do get bombarded with youngsters looking for a cougar... They seem to think that you would enjoy their inexperience... Its an eye opener...!

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What are you basing this on? Has he said or done anything hurtful to you? I didn't see anything like this in your first post, so I'm a bit unclear.

 

The very act of contacting someone who wants something different then testing them out. Why do this if they have indicated they are not interested?

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The very act of contacting someone who wants something different then testing them out. Why do this if they have indicated they are not interested?

 

Why don't you ask your girlfriends to introduce you to men who want what you want? They must know men who are single or divorced and looking to date someone seriously.

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It wasn't a power play. He was in the market for something different than you.

 

He didn't 'punish' you. He just moved on to look for someone that was offering what he was looking for.

 

Think of it as walking into a doughnut shop little for a creme filled doughnut and all they have a jelly filled.

 

Saying thanks but no thanks and walking on down to look for a shop that has creme filled is not a power play nor is it punishment to the first shop. It's just continuing the search for what you are in the market for.

 

Point is, why get in touch if you know the other person is not seeking a FWB situation? I find this irritating. It's a bit like poking you in the back and saying 'I'm here but I know you don't want the same as me'. Why bother doing that?

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Point is, why get in touch if you know the other person is not seeking a FWB situation? I find this irritating. It's a bit like poking you in the back and saying 'I'm here but I know you don't want the same as me'. Why bother doing that?

 

because they are thirsty and they are looking to get some? Thirsty = man who hasn't had sex in a long while, a month or more. Look, they are trying to see if you find them attractive enough to have sex with them outside of a relationship. Not every man likes veg food, but you can be sure that's what I'm eating if there's no other type of food near me. You are going to have to get used to it. Due to women's high selective process, a lot of men don't get some for a long time. They're going to try any chance they have to get laid, and many of those have had the bad luck of providing something, a relationship for example to someone, and not getting anything in return. So they are going to try to make sure that the women they are talking to are interested in them, or in what they can provide(attention, money, gifts, dinners etc).

 

Yes, there are men in relationships who don't get laid or get any other sort of similar thing. A friend of mine is not ugly nor short, nor is he fat, and he's been in a 6 month relationship with an average woman and its been 6 months since he last got any. Some guys want to avoid that if they can.

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