Why do asexuals get into relationships with non asexuals?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I stumbled across the term asexual as it concerns relationships. I had not known that it is viewed as a gender. I believe it's more common in females. I don't understand how someone could have zero sexual attraction, but I guess that's how it is with them. Apparently some do have a libido as they masturbate. The part I don't understand is why do the ones that know they are asexual get into relationships with people that do have sexual attraction. Unless they tell their prospective partner before starting a relationship, that seems cruel & unethical to me. What could their motivation be? I have no personal experience in this, I'm just curious.

[autumnnight]

You'd have to ask my ex....

[Gloria25]

Cuz just like many of mammals out there, they just are "out there" doing whatever w/o realizing "why" they do what they do.

 

It took years of me going to counselors, reading self-help books, and listening to my fav podcaster to figure out "why" I had intimacy issues and did this/that with guys and the answer is/was quite simple: Cuz of my dysfunctional childhood and abusive dad.

 

Funny how like a few years ago, when my step-niece was acting out, I was able to give her mum tools I wish I had at her age...The mum really didn't see the link between her daughter's actions and her lack of a RL with her natural/birth father.

 

So, "asexual" people? It's either medical (ie hormonal and/or testosterone issues) and/or psychological...Thing is, people get defensive when you have to force them to look into the mirror and to protect themselves from digging up any possible trauma from their childhood, IMO, an asexual person just wears that label with pride and stick to the "I was just born this way" jive.

 

Why do the marry, have kids and/or enter into RLs? Probably pressure from family, friends, and/or society. I mean if you're not following the "herd" of course you feel like a loser and/or "left out". Some think that if they'll give it (RLs, marriage, and/or kids) a good o'l try, they may like it...But, sad and selfish thing about that is that they hurt others on their "quest" to sort out themselves...I can see from autumnight's and other people who call into my fav podcaster's show's experiences of being hurt and/or "deceived" and/or married, had kids, etc with someone on false pretences and/or who perpetrated a fraud.

 

I mean, like on 20/20 the other day this guy just walked away from his wife and kids cuz he was homosexual and blamed society for making him get married. My fav podcaster, I, and his kids believed that he was a selfish creep who was just worried about himself.

 

I mean, I'm jacked up, I know that..Unlike my sister and other peeps I know, I'm not gonna bring a kid into this world and "see how it goes". That's a freakin' human being who for 18 years needs you and who - based on how you raise them - will either be a benefit or burden to society...Kids are not a decision I take lightly.

 

Same for this thread...I'm not gonna enter into a RL on false pretenses just cuz I'm lonely and/or society is putting pressure on me to do it when I know that the person I want deserves better.

 

So, I think "asexuals" need to get medical and/or psychological attention and hopefully move past wearing that "label" and trying to force themselves to be part of the "herd" at the expense of others.

 

But, like me, "asexuals" and/or other people with issues are probably too stubborn and/or set in their ways to deal with their demons. I mean, if I wanted, maybe I could do some intensive therapy and learn to love, trust, and maybe even date black men....Eh, but no thanks, I'm ok.

[autumnnight]

Why do the marry, have kids and/or enter into RLs? Probably pressure from family, friends, and/or society. I mean if you're not following the "herd" of course you feel like a loser and/or "left out". Some think that if they'll give it (RLs, marriage, and/or kids) a good o'l try, they may like it...But, sad and selfish thing about that is that they hurt others on their "quest" to sort out themselves...I can see from autumnight's and other people who call into my fav podcaster's show's experiences of being hurt and/or "deceived" and/or married, had kids, etc with someone on false pretences and/or who perpetrated a fraud.

 

I mean, like on 20/20 the other day this guy just walked away from his wife and kids cuz he was homosexual and blamed society for making him get married. My fav podcaster, I, and his kids believed that he was a selfish creep who was just worried about himself.

 

I think I love you

[Gloria25]

Also, about the guy on 20/20 who just walked away from his family?...I mean, if he knew all those years he was homosexual, then stay celibate and/or see men on the downlow. I mean, "perpetual bachelors and/or spinsters" have been around for ages...maybe they were homosexuals and/or people with "issues" that no body knew/knows for sure about. I go through long periods of drought. Who am I to marry a guy and/or have kids just cuz I don't want society to be upset with me?

[understand50]

Gloria25,

 

You have honor, and you stand as yourself.

4053

[Gloria25]

Gloria25,

 

You have honor, and you stand as yourself.

4053

 

Thanks, but its hard for me to take compliments...

 

I don't see myself as "honorable"...I see myself as a very selfish person. That is why I don't have kids and/or can't be with a guy all the time - cuz I want it my way like Burger King.

 

But, it ain't easy...I spend many of nights alone. I have no one to support me emotionally, physically, financially, and/or sexually.

 

I also get envious of others who aren't as picky as I am and are getting coupled up all over the place - no matter how ridiculous I think they are being. I mean, even though you see their situations as the trainwreck it sure as heck is, you still feel crappy that idiot and idiot found each other and you're still alone.

 

But again, I rather be alone and miserable than drag others into my misery and/or "pretend" I want the whole "white picket fence" and kids out of some selfish desire to satisfy what family, friends, society and/or my ego would want.

[truncated]

if someone really is asexual, then they have no reason to feel shame, and don't need to change who they are, if that is really who they are and they are happy.

 

That being said, they shouldn't get into a relationship with someone who does want to have sex. That's not fair to either of them. They will feel pressured and their partner will feel really, really hurt.

 

This is for people who really are asexual as part of their nature. As for people who "become" asexual over the course of a relationship, I don't know. It would depend on how and why that happened, and what sort of psychological issues they are dealing with if there wasn't some sort of medical issue causing it.. At any rate, they owe it to the person they are in the relationship with to explain their feelings, why they feel that way and what they plan to do about it. That way, their partner can make informed choices about what they want to do with their life.

[preraph]

I think both people have to be responsible about not making a bad match, because I've seen some guys dog a cold woman to death trying to get with her. The less she wants them, the more determined they are they must have her. They mistake asexual or disinterested for "pure."

[carhill]

I stumbled across the term asexual as it concerns relationships. I had not known that it is viewed as a gender. I believe it's more common in females. I don't understand how someone could have zero sexual attraction, but I guess that's how it is with them. Apparently some do have a libido as they masturbate. The part I don't understand is why do the ones that know they are asexual get into relationships with people that do have sexual attraction. Unless they tell their prospective partner before starting a relationship, that seems cruel & unethical to me. What could their motivation be? I have no personal experience in this, I'm just curious.

Pretty much the same reason disordered people hide their disorders as best possible and get into relationships with non-disordered people. They like them and the other person has something they want.

 

In the case of the asexual person, the sexual person could have a myriad of other qualities they like, or a lifestyle they like, or interests they like, or social power and connections they like, etc, etc. Sex is one small facet of the milieu, and infinitesimally small in the mind of the asexual person so as to be essentially a non-issue.

[No Limit]

I guess many people just settle to have the safety net they need. It's very surprising that many women turn asexual after marriage, but won't mind having affairs. These types probably never felt attracted to their partner but hey, he was good enough to use at least.

[Gloria25]

S

I guess many people just settle to have the safety net they need. It's very surprising that many women turn asexual after marriage, but won't mind having affairs. These types probably never felt attracted to their partner but hey, he was good enough to use at least.

 

Well, my fav podcaster touched on this yesterday...how the women's movement has taught women that men are disposable and should not be respected, treated well, etc. And, that most divorces are initiated by women.

 

Dude called in cuz he and wife have one kid, 7 yrs old, and for the longest she just blows him off cuz 'she's got to go to work, is busy, and now she's going back to school'. Well, my fav podcaster explained to him how some women just go along with their instinct to mate, then figure out that the guy can go f- himself after she got what she wanted from him (ie money, half her bills paid, children)...In other words, men have been reduced to "penises" and "sperm donors".

 

My last FWB...his wife had been abused as a child and had an alcoholic dad. She didn't wanna have sex. She'd make up excuses like she got an infection down there, it hurts, etc. When he'd volunteer to go to the doctor with her, she'd blow him off. She chopped off her hair and would just spend her time insulting him. He said once she tried to give him a bj and it was like she was literally doing a "job" instead of trying to please him that he could not get aroused.

 

See, lots of messed up people getting married and stuff and don't see/care how sex is important and/or have unresolved "issues"...But, instead of them seeking help,.they wanna slap a label on it (bipolar, asexual) and you're mean if you don't support them in blowing off your needs in the RL...

 

Lots of narcissists and selfish people out there...but unfortunately, they can reproduce and run a good game to manipulate people into RLs and/or marriage with them.

 

That's why you REALLY need to take the 1 1/2 to 2 years to really get to know someone, know what a red flag is, not ignore the red flags, and even get the wisdom of your parents involved before you marry and/or have kids...But, people don't know and/or care. They want that they want (a guy, gal, babies, a wedding dress/ceremony) and they want it NOW...and who cares if it's right or wrong (practically) cuz what counts is if it "feeeeeels" right (and feelings have no IQ)...And, if it doesn't work out? Who cares, divorce and just move on to the next guy/gal with kids in tow, cuz what matters is what makes "me" happy.

 

Sad state of affairs in many relationships...

[autumnnight]

if someone really is asexual, then they have no reason to feel shame, and don't need to change who they are, if that is really who they are and they are happy.

 

That being said, they shouldn't get into a relationship with someone who does want to have sex. That's not fair to either of them. They will feel pressured and their partner will feel really, really hurt.

 

This is for people who really are asexual as part of their nature. As for people who "become" asexual over the course of a relationship, I don't know. It would depend on how and why that happened, and what sort of psychological issues they are dealing with if there wasn't some sort of medical issue causing it.. At any rate, they owe it to the person they are in the relationship with to explain their feelings, why they feel that way and what they plan to do about it. That way, their partner can make informed choices about what they want to do with their life.

 

I agree that there is nothing wrong with being asexual. If it is who a person is, they should not feel pressured to change or be ashamed. BUT if they knowingly married a sexual person....shame on them. It's the same as an in the closet gay man knowingly marrying a straight woman. It's deceptive and unfair.

[truncated]

I agree that there is nothing wrong with being asexual. If it is who a person is, they should not feel pressured to change or be ashamed. BUT if they knowingly married a sexual person....shame on them. It's the same as an in the closet gay man knowingly marrying a straight woman. It's deceptive and unfair.

 

 

True enough.

 

Honestly, i wish there wasn't so much of a belief in society that there is something wrong with a person who doesn't want to have sex, or with people who want to have lots of it with many different people.

 

Neither is wrong, so long as other people aren't being hurt or deceived.

 

Marriage is a wonderful thing, so long as the people are on the same page about this, and it's not for everyone.

[preraph]

^ Not to say it can't be from natural causes though, like a hormone deficiency. Honestly, anyone who is asexual and not happy about it, I think a thorough physical would reveal some hormone and possibly other deficits that could be corrected. And the same is true for those who are hypersexual.

 

Both undersexual and hypersexual can also be caused by childhood or other trauma, though, as well, and possibly treated through psychiatry.

 

But if someone is asexual and perfectly happy, then great. It's just that it will make it hard for them to even get a companion.

[WonderKid]

It's really no difference. Society will look at you crazily for a many of things: not having kids, not being married, being a virgin, again, not having a GF/BF, again, not having kids. At some point in life you just have to go your own way man.

[frogs88]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like straight, bi or gay. it's not someone with hormonal imbalance, an abusive past or a relationship which prompts them to lose sexual interest. They are asexual regardless of any of those issues - it's their baseline. By keeping the notion alive that asexuality somehow is a deficit, disorder or disease you're encouraging the idea that there is something wrong with being asexual. And that is exactly what is an important catalyst in the tendency for people to do things (marriage, kids etc) with someone completely incompatible. As society were digging their and their mismatched partners grave by not allowing them to properly be who they are.

[autumnnight]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like straight, bi or gay. it's not someone with hormonal imbalance, an abusive past or a relationship which prompts them to lose sexual interest. They are asexual regardless of any of those issues - it's their baseline. By keeping the notion alive that asexuality somehow is a deficit, disorder or disease you're encouraging the idea that there is something wrong with being asexual. And that is exactly what is an important catalyst in the tendency for people to do things (marriage, kids etc) with someone completely incompatible. As society were digging their and their mismatched partners grave by not allowing them to properly be who they are.

 

I agree with SOME of this...BUT the asexual man who married me was a big boy. He can't blame society for the sexless hell he put me through.

[autumnnight]

^ Not to say it can't be from natural causes though, like a hormone deficiency. Honestly, anyone who is asexual and not happy about it, I think a thorough physical would reveal some hormone and possibly other deficits that could be corrected. And the same is true for those who are hypersexual.

 

Both undersexual and hypersexual can also be caused by childhood or other trauma, though, as well, and possibly treated through psychiatry.

 

But if someone is asexual and perfectly happy, then great. It's just that it will make it hard for them to even get a companion.

 

This is why communication is so important.

 

And while asexuality is pretty definitive, hypersexuality is relative. Reading around these forums, you'd almost think sometimes that ANYONE who would like to have sex on a consistent basis is hypersexual. Once or twice a week is not hypersexual.

 

I believe there are more asexual people than we realize. For a man especially, it shouldn't be too hard to find a woman who could cre less about sex. I think it is probably hard for asexual women to find an asexual man.

[truncated]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like straight, bi or gay. it's not someone with hormonal imbalance, an abusive past or a relationship which prompts them to lose sexual interest. They are asexual regardless of any of those issues - it's their baseline. By keeping the notion alive that asexuality somehow is a deficit, disorder or disease you're encouraging the idea that there is something wrong with being asexual. And that is exactly what is an important catalyst in the tendency for people to do things (marriage, kids etc) with someone completely incompatible. As society were digging their and their mismatched partners grave by not allowing them to properly be who they are.

 

 

I agree.

 

There are many people out there who have zero interest in sex, but in much of western culture, there is this assumption that there is something wrong with you if you if you are asexual. You need therapy, need some sort of medication, you're weird, whatever.

 

 

I think it might be especially difficult for men, as many times, a man's virility is culturally tied into his manliness and worth as a person.

[autumnnight]

I agree.

 

There are many people out there who have zero interest in sex, but in much of western culture, there is this assumption that there is something wrong with you if you if you are asexual. You need therapy, need some sort of medication, you're weird, whatever.

 

 

I think it might be especially difficult for men, as many times, a man's virility is culturally tied into his manliness and worth as a person.

 

I agree. This must be hard. It still does not excuse deception.

[truncated]

I agree. This must be hard. It still does not excuse deception.

 

Good point.

[frogs88]

I agree with SOME of this...BUT the asexual man who married me was a big boy. He can't blame society for the sexless hell he put me through.

 

Well of course it's wrong - all I'm saying is that denying the existance of a legit sexual orientation (or the lack of any) works these situations in hand and thus that should stop.

 

And while asexuality is pretty definitive, hypersexuality is relative.

 

Not sure how scientifically accurate the Kinsey scale is but it establishes a scale for varying degrees of asexuality. Personally I think there's some truth in it but that's just what I think.

[Hawaii51]

Because they don't know it's not a problem.

[preraph]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like straight, bi or gay. it's not someone with hormonal imbalance, an abusive past or a relationship which prompts them to lose sexual interest. They are asexual regardless of any of those issues - it's their baseline. By keeping the notion alive that asexuality somehow is a deficit, disorder or disease you're encouraging the idea that there is something wrong with being asexual. And that is exactly what is an important catalyst in the tendency for people to do things (marriage, kids etc) with someone completely incompatible. As society were digging their and their mismatched partners grave by not allowing them to properly be who they are.

 

Look, if you have hormones, you have some sexual urges. It's biology. What you choose to do with them is one thing. If you have no sex drive, something in your body is off, probably hormones but can be brain issues or combination of other things. You can't have normal range of hormones without having sexual needs. Now, there certainly are those who would rather just take care of those needs themselves and not be intimate and that's fine, but that came from somewhere. As I said in my first post, it can be "natural," but "natural" isn't always functional and can't be mistaken for normal. I have some very personal experience with hormone deficit due to being exposed to toxic waste as a child.