boyfriend is not very intimate

[starla33]

So I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months now officially. We are both in our 30's and I'm pretty much his first relationship since college.

 

My issue is he has not said i love you yet. Sometimes I feel that he does, but he can't seem to express his feelings at all so I'm not sure what to do here. He is great in other ways and emotion is clearly not the way he communicates, but I do need to hear how someone feels about me once in a while.

 

Every time I bring it up he gets upset and thinks hes being a terrible boyfriend and wants to know what exactly I want to hear from him. How can I explain this? I always get stuck on this part. Should I just say that I'm waiting for him to say he loves me? I'm scared...

[jen1447]

Yeah, don't be coy, just be up front. That way he'll know what the hell you're talking about and he should be able to explain himself.

 

You could also try telling him you love him.

[TunaCat]

In my last relationship, I was your boyfriend. I struggled with saying those three little words. Not because I didn't feel that way, but because I don't like being vulnerable. I struggle with feeling emotional. I normally let my actions express how I'm feeling for a guy.

 

You need to tell him how you feel. Don't pressure him to say it back though. If he truly feels the same way, he will probably say it back.

[starla33]

In my last relationship, I was your boyfriend. I struggled with saying those three little words. Not because I didn't feel that way, but because I don't like being vulnerable. I struggle with feeling emotional. I normally let my actions express how I'm feeling for a guy.

 

You need to tell him how you feel. Don't pressure him to say it back though. If he truly feels the same way, he will probably say it back.

 

You said you were like this before? But not anymore? What changed?

 

I don't want to come off as nagging

[Davey L]

Why do women always seem to be obsessed with what us men say or don't say?

 

Words are cheap, and frequently untrue. Better, it seems to me, to let my actions show how I feel.

[TunaCat]

You said you were like this before? But not anymore? What changed?

 

I don't want to come off as nagging

 

Honestly, it was the simple fact that he didn't bug me about it. He didn't pressure me to say it just because he did. He let me say it when I was ready. I never felt rushed by him.

[autumnnight]

Why do women always seem to be obsessed with what us men say or don't say?

 

Words are cheap, and frequently untrue. Better, it seems to me, to let my actions show how I feel.

 

If a man loves us, we want to hear him say it. That isn't obsessed. That is how 99% of women are. So either date the 1% or say it to the woman you love. It's not rocket science.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

This concerns me, because maybe this is a sign that men's sex drive declines in 20's, less sexually motivated?

[starla33]

This concerns me, because maybe this is a sign that men's sex drive declines in 20's, less sexually motivated?

 

I mean verbal intimacy. Nowhere did i say there was an issue with sex lol

[Satu]

"Would you like to declare your love of me to me, while I declare my love of you, to you, my love?"

[d0nnivain]

Some people are verbal, others aren't. If he's showing you that he loves you that is more important than empty words.

 

Nevertheless, you can & should discuss your needs in a relationship. My DH is rather stoic & not particularly chatty especially about emotions. Early on I explained to him that I needed to hear the words. I fully expected that he would say I love you when we parted or hung up a phone. In the aftermath of things like 9/11 & the recent earthquakes I never want to be in a position where I failed to take what might be the last opportunity. It didn't resonate with him but he agreed to do it to make me happy. Now he finds he does it with many family members & friends. As he got more used to expressing emotions it became easier.

[Satu]

A favourite poem:

 

 

The Good-Morrow

 

BY JOHN DONNE

 

 

I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I

Did, till we loved? Were we not weaned till then?

But sucked on country pleasures, childishly?

Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers’ den?

’Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be.

If ever any beauty I did see,

Which I desired, and got, ’twas but a dream of thee.

 

And now good-morrow to our waking souls,

Which watch not one another out of fear;

For love, all love of other sights controls,

And makes one little room an everywhere.

Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone,

Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown,

Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.

 

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,

And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;

Where can we find two better hemispheres,

Without sharp north, without declining west?

Whatever dies, was not mixed equally;

If our two loves be one, or, thou and I

Love so alike, that none do slacken, none can die.

[Satu]

I'm sorry, you've got me started...

 

Listen to this.

 

SONNET 18

 

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;

Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st;

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I mean verbal intimacy. Nowhere did i say there was an issue with sex lol

 

Well then the title of your post is deceiving. I too thought this was a sexual issue which is why I clicked on the thread in the first place.

 

Regardless, if all you're looking for is advice on how to get your boyfriend to say "I love you" the short answer to this is simple - you can't.

 

He'll tell you he loves you if/when he feels good and ready.

 

I think it's important and very healthy to let him know what you need when it comes to your relationship and feeling valued. If hearing words/affirmations are important to you then he needs to know this otherwise you'll end up growing more and more frustrated.

 

Having said that, there is a fine line between sharing these things once or twice and nagging him relentlessly about it. Nagging him isn't going to help matters. You have to learn to trust in his actions (provided he's doing all the right things) and then be patient.

 

Not everyone is comfortable expressing themselves particularly when they're pressed up against the wall about it.

 

I recommend you read the book Five Love Languages if you want more proof that we all give and receive love differently. I've mentioned this book a hundred times already on here because it's invaluable information.

 

Good luck.

[autumnnight]

Well then the title of your post is deceiving. I too thought this was a sexual issue which is why I clicked on the thread in the first place.

 

Regardless, if all you're looking for is advice on how to get your boyfriend to say "I love you" the short answer to this is simple - you can't.

 

He'll tell you he loves you if/when he feels good and ready.

 

I think it's important and very healthy to let him know what you need when it comes to your relationship and feeling valued. If hearing words/affirmations are important to you then he needs to know this otherwise you'll end up growing more and more frustrated.

 

Having said that, there is a fine line between sharing these things once or twice and nagging him relentlessly about it. Nagging him isn't going to help matters. You have to learn to trust in his actions (provided he's doing all the right things) and then be patient.

 

Not everyone is comfortable expressing themselves particularly when they're pressed up against the wall about it.

 

I recommend you read the book Five Love Languages if you want more proof that we all give and receive love differently. I've mentioned this book a hundred times already on here because it's invaluable information.

 

Good luck.

 

Another neat thing about this book is not only will you discover his LL, you will discover that there is nothing wrong with yours. A man who will not actually say he loves me would not be my type, I don't care how many flowers he brought me or how many dishes he washed. Words of affirmation is my second top language.

[mammasita]

Have you told him that you love him? If not then do it. Stop holding back. If you feel like he loves you and he shows you that he does....go for it.

[Carm]

I also thought that you meant physical intimacy by your thread title. In any case, I'm in your shoes. My bf of 10.5 months has yet to tell me that he loves me. Having said that, I know in my gut that he does. I did tell him that I have fallen in love with him and the best he can give me is that he is falling and I'm capturing his heart. I was prepared for him not to say it back just yet. He's a very stoic guy and saying these things is difficult. That does not mean that you should not talk to him about your needs. As recommended you should do that Language of Love quiz and do it as a couple, it's a fun exercise. Mine was no surprise verbal affirmation while his was quality time.

[starla33]

Can I just ask if he loves me? Since he is clueless about what I want to hear.

[mammasita]

Can I just ask if he loves me? Since he is clueless about what I want to hear.

 

Heck no, that obviously makes him uncomfortable to talk about. Making him say it or talk about it is a bad idea. You would potentially be making him say something he might not be ready to say.

 

Have you told him that you love him? and if not, why not?

[starla33]

Heck no, that obviously makes him uncomfortable to talk about. Making him say it or talk about it is a bad idea. You would potentially be making him say something he might not be ready to say.

 

Have you told him that you love him? and if not, why not?

 

If he gets that uncomfortable when I ask him something like that then there is a problem....

[Ninjainpajamas]

How can someone date someone for 10 months and not be told they love you? then what the hell is the point?

 

This world is retarded, what are people even thinking...

[TunaCat]

Can I just ask if he loves me? Since he is clueless about what I want to hear.

 

I would advise against it because it sounds like you're pushing him. You want him to WANT to say it to you. If you push him or nag him, even if he wants to say it, he'll be reluctant to say it because he'll feel pressured.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think that if a man loves you, he'll make sure you have no doubt that he does.

[kjohn]

I recommend you read the book Five Love Languages if you want more proof that we all give and receive love differently. I've mentioned this book a hundred times already on here because it's invaluable information.

 

This is very good advice.

 

Learning to recognize his love language will be very helpful and save you a lot of heartache. People really do express themselves in very different ways.

 

Here's an example...

 

Last year I went out of town for a few days. While I was gone my BF slaved away and cleaned the house from top to bottom. He did that because it is something that he would have appreciated coming home to and he wanted to do something nice for me.

 

When I came home, the very first thing he said to me when I walked through the door was "Are you boots clean? I just washed that floor."

 

My first thought was "Are you F**ing kidding me? That is the first thing you are going to say to me after I've been gone for 5 days?"

 

What I wanted from him was a big hug, a kiss and for him to say I missed you so much and I'm so glad you're home.

 

To me, coming home to a super-clean house meant nothing. Our house is always clean. Cleaning the house is a daily chore, not a show of love. But in that moment, I had to stop myself from reacting to my hurt feelings. I was able to recognize that what he did was a show of love in his love language, and his asking if my boots were clean was just his overly-practical side coming out.

 

So I thanked him for his hard work and then I asked for the hug and kiss that I wanted.

 

If I didn't know that cleaning the house for me was somehow an expression of love in his love language, I probably would have been pissed at him for days!

 

Figure out what your BF's love language is and learn to recognize when he is showing you that he loves you in his own way. Don't try to force him to communicate with you in your love language.

[salparadise]

Well then the title of your post is deceiving. I too thought this was a sexual issue which is why I clicked on the thread in the first place.

 

No, it's not deceiving at all. Intimacy is not a synonym for coitus, and neither is intercourse.

 

intimacy

noun in·ti·ma·cy \ˈin-tə-mə-sē\

plural in·ti·ma·cies

 

1. the state of being intimate : familiarity

2. something of a personal or private nature