Eggplant Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Have you ever decided to stay with a partner despite red flags and been happy with your decision? Or, are red flags 100% of the time doomsday scenarios? I want to gather statistics about how these things go. (My question isn't motivated by any particular actual situation.) Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 well never worked out for me it will work out if you are willing to change yourself and accept the red flags Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags Lack of communication. ...Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. ...Lack of trust. ...Significant family and friends don't like your partner. ...Controlling behavior. ...Feeling insecure in the relationship. ...A dark or secretive past. ...Non-resolution of past relationshipsThe relationship is built on the need to feel needed.Abusive behavior. Healthy people tend to steer clear of red flags, as getting involved with such people tends to mean being hurt, being upset, putting up with drama, engaging in continual arguments and games, and can even be dangerous. Unhealthy people or people in bad places emotionally, may not see the red flags or they may see them as just "normal", or they think they can deal with the red flags and sort them out. "He/she is damaged, but I can cure him/her with my love." They then tend to get in too deep, and pay the price. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Have you ever decided to stay with a partner despite red flags and been happy with your decision? Or, are red flags 100% of the time doomsday scenarios? I want to gather statistics about how these things go. (My question isn't motivated by any particular actual situation.) Yes and I ended up dead. Answer your question? No I am not joking. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I think it depends on what you are considering a red flag. It depends but usually no. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I think it depends on what you are considering a red flag. It depends but usually no. The red flag of mine was 3 months in one of his close friends mentioning how selfish he is. I said don't be silly. She replied "no seriously he is the most selfish person I have ever met". Turns out she wasn't telling fibs. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 What a great question. I really want to find an exception but no, every single time I've felt a true red flag the relationship has been doomed. But I am going to at least partially blame it on me manifesting the relationship's demise through my behavior because I found the red flag. Chicken and the egg 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 If you (general you) know in your gut something is off and doesn't feel right, not sure how you build trust and faith in that person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Have you ever decided to stay with a partner despite red flags and been happy with your decision? Or, are red flags 100% of the time doomsday scenarios? I want to gather statistics about how these things go. (My question isn't motivated by any particular actual situation.) No. That's always the wish though of every person who has ignored red flags. Oh it's nothing, maybe they'll change, maybe I'm just paranoid etc... But in my own experience nothing good ever comes of ignoring them. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) Have you ever decided to stay with a partner despite red flags and been happy with your decision? Or, are red flags 100% of the time doomsday scenarios? I want to gather statistics about how these things go. (My question isn't motivated by any particular actual situation.) Yes, and each time I immediately regret it. From the Red Flag Campaign website: Question relationships with partners who: Abuse alcohol or other drugs.Have a history of trouble with the law, get into fights, or break and destroy property.Don’t work or go to school.Blame you for how they treat you, or for anything bad that happens.Abuse siblings, other family members, children or pets.Put down people, including your family and friends, or call them names.Are always angry at someone or something.Try to isolate you and control whom you see or where you go.Nag you or force you to be sexual when you don’t want to be.Cheat on you or have lots of partners.Are physically rough with you (push, shove, pull, yank, squeeze, restrain).Take your money or take advantage of you in other ways.Accuse you of flirting or “coming on” to others or accuse you of cheating on them.Don’t listen to you or show interest in your opinions or feelings. . .things always have to be done their way.Ignore you, give you the silent treatment, or hang up on you.Lie to you, don’t show up for dates, maybe even disappear for days.Make vulgar comments about others in your presenceBlame all arguments and problems on you.Tell you how to dress or act.Threaten to kill themselves if you break up with them, or tell you that they cannot live without you.Experience extreme mood swings. . .tell you you’re the greatest one minute and rip you apart the next minute.Tell you to shut up or tell you you’re dumb, stupid, fat, or call you some other name (directly or indirectly).Compare you to former partners. Some other cues that might indicate an abusive relationship might include: You feel afraid to break up with them.You feel tied down, feel like you have to check-in.You feel afraid to make decisions or bring up certain subjects so that the other person won’t get mad.You tell yourself that if you just try harder and love your partner enough that everything will be just fine.You find yourself crying a lot, being depressed or unhappy.You find yourself worrying and obsessing about how to please your partner and keep them happy.You find the physical or emotional abuse getting worse over time. Adapted from the Domestic Abuse Project (Domestic Abuse Services. Domestic Violence Help :: Domestic Abuse Project Serving Minneapolis, St. Paul, Minnesota) Edited May 20, 2015 by writergal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I will say the longer I've known someone the more flaws I see in them and they see in me. There is no way around this. And sometimes those flaws can feel intolerable and stretch your patience and at times "make" you crazy. So no person or relationship ever fits the psychological textbook example of a model healthy relationship because NO person is free from issues. EVERYONE has issues they can work on. They key is to see my own flaws and know that the only people in the world are flawed, red flagged individuals, who will only meet my emotional needs on a moderate level. So I think it is a matter of degrees. Here is from Psychology today again from another poster. If you care to, look through them again and ask yourself, do I see myself in any of these behaviors? I'd be very curious if there is anyone out they that doesn't see themselves in at least some of these areas. Any takers? Lack of communication. ... Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. ... Lack of trust. ... Significant family and friends don't like your partner. ... Controlling behavior. ... Feeling insecure in the relationship. ... A dark or secretive past. ... Non-resolution of past relationships The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. Abusive behavior. So in answer to your question, every person I have dated had red flags to a certain degree, and some of them were quite healthy relationships, relatively speaking. These lists and looking for red flags, while important, can also be a form of perfectionism, which is also a red flag! Balance is key, balance. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Never heard anyone say "Well, I thought he was an ahole, but I'm glad I hung in there because he really isn't. That's just a peculiarity of his." Most people ignore red flags because as the cliche goes "Love is blind." And then they look back and feel like such an idiot for allowing themselves to live in denial. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 When my husband and I were dating, he had some heavy anger issues. We broke up partly because of it. He actually did a lot of work on it and is no longer an issue. Sometimes it's still in the back of my head once in a while, but the 180 is astounding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggplant Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 If the verdict is unanimous, then really there's not much left to think about should I ever encounter one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggplant Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 I will say the longer I've known someone the more flaws I see in them and they see in me. There is no way around this. And sometimes those flaws can feel intolerable and stretch your patience and at times "make" you crazy. So no person or relationship ever fits the psychological textbook example of a model healthy relationship because NO person is free from issues. EVERYONE has issues they can work on. They key is to see my own flaws and know that the only people in the world are flawed, red flagged individuals, who will only meet my emotional needs on a moderate level. So I think it is a matter of degrees. Here is from Psychology today again from another poster. If you care to, look through them again and ask yourself, do I see myself in any of these behaviors? I'd be very curious if there is anyone out they that doesn't see themselves in at least some of these areas. Any takers? So in answer to your question, every person I have dated had red flags to a certain degree, and some of them were quite healthy relationships, relatively speaking. These lists and looking for red flags, while important, can also be a form of perfectionism, which is also a red flag! Balance is key, balance. I could see how some of the examples you listed could be borderline, depending on the degree. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 No. They haven't worked out regarding friendships and I most certainly won't ever test it out on relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
kturner16 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 I noticed a lot of them. But I thought with me being the wonderful woman I am, they wouldn't apply to me. Needless to say, i was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
frogs88 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Encountered some eventually but it turned out to be the result of a depression. So we overcame that and it's all fine now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggplant Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 I noticed a lot of them. But I thought with me being the wonderful woman I am, they wouldn't apply to me. Needless to say, i was wrong.This is a mistake that's easy to make. I'm probably narcissistic enough to be tempted to think somebody would want me enough to stop all his problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eggplant Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Encountered some eventually but it turned out to be the result of a depression. So we overcame that and it's all fine now.I mean real life is not perfect, so I want a real relationship, imperfections and all. It's hard to know how to reconcile accepting flaws with a "zero-tolerance" policy on "red flags." Depression is a "flaw" that good people can have. So is alcoholism. It's hard to know where the line is. And how the line should change after you commit to somebody. Link to post Share on other sites
frogs88 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 as it's going further and further into the past I start to forget that phase of the relationship but it was some red flags mentioned on the previous page. However they weren't there from the beginning, they developed alongside the depression. And while I'm not the type to throw in the towel when issues arise I admit that 2 years later I had lost a lot of faith that the relationship would work out and sometimes felt trapped. Somewhere down the line my partner flicked the switch and started to come out of it again and that's where all the red flag stuff disappeared. Of course there's always things in relationships that aren't perfect but there aren't any that make me doubt mine now. But in the end it was my partner that changed for the better - if that had not happened I'm not sure where I wiuldve been now. Probably not in this relationship. I can't deal with unhappiness forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Cameron2000 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Well not everyone gets lung cancer from a lifestyle of smoking but the risk is still high. The same can be said about red flags. Not everyone who enters a relationship with red flags will end in destruction but it is just more likely. Link to post Share on other sites
Cameron2000 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 That red flag campaign listed physical abuse as a red flag? Well isn't that a no brainer? I mean that's preaching to the choir. I don't think anyone would disagree with that so why even state something that is too obvious? The more subtle red flags is what people need to be educated on. Physical abuse is really a no brainer. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 I'm allergic to red flags. I wasn't when I was younger, but the last years I can easily breakup over those. Not patient! Link to post Share on other sites
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