Affair revenge going way to far

[sandylee1]

I understand that a BS goes through hell following a dday, but something I came across just made me feel that a BS's request was somehow twisted.

 

In seeking revenge and making the OWs life a misery, she told her WH to tell the OW that when he was sexual with her, he was imagining her daughter and fantasizing about the daughter. The daughter is an adult BTW.

 

I did wonder if the BW hadn't considered how this made her WH look. She said it will help her and as the WS he should do anything to help her heal.

 

No matter how much you want the AP to feel hurt, this is surely way too low.

 

What do you think ?

 

Do any BSs think the WS should do ANYTHING for the spouse after an affair?

Edited May 17, 2015 by sandylee1
submitted too soon

[ascendotum]

I agree. Its not helping her heal, its helping her feel good with revenge by making the OW feel rotten, making her hate her husband and making the husband feel bad that he had to tell his former lover that. I do appreciate revenge up to a point, like if the BS wanted to tell the OW's husband/bf about her cheating but this is kind of ****ed up. I wonder if the husband subsequently informed the OW of the truth behind that confession.

[RoseVille]

I don't feel that OWs intentionally hurt the W. They don't seek out to cause pain, it's just a natural consequence most of the time.

 

Here, W is seeking to intentionally cause pain to the OW and her own H.

 

I don't see how that can help anything. It suggests to me that BS isn't in the right state of mind. Maybe she's thinking and acting crazy right now in the immediate aftermath, or maybe she's just an mean spirited person.

 

I would hope that if MM's wife made that sort of demand, he'd refuse. And not just to protect me, but himself and her and what shred of integrity he might have left.

[autumnnight]

Yes, it is absolutely possible for a BS to go too far, and yes, there should be limits to the "anything" a WS is supposed to do.

 

But you'll be hard pressed to find many people, especially men, who agree with that.

[truncated]

I don't feel that OWs intentionally hurt the W. They don't seek out to cause pain, it's just a natural consequence most of the time.

 

 

 

If you were in the bs shoes, would that really matter that much? From their perspective, it may not, and I can understand that.

 

Think of it this way. A spouses affair can be like throwing dynamite into a person marriage. Yes, the person throwing (ws) it is largely responsible, but the person who lit the fuse ( ow or om) also plays a role. While it may be true that if it wasn't them it would have been someone else, the fact remains it was them and not someone else.

 

I'm not saying that what the bs did in the op example is right ( it actually sounds really weird), but the irony of people getting annoyed or saying the bs goes "too far" in how they react to infidelity is not lost.

 

In my opinion, unless she or he commits a criminal act, it's not going too far. It may be outlandish, it may be unhealthy as hell, but still when compared to the role the ow or om played in destroying their life and state of mind, the things a bs does for "revenge" tend to be insignificant.

 

They may write a nasty email or note, tell the ow or om bs about the affair, spill the beans to their circle of friends, confront the ow or om verbally in public...all not pleasant for the ow or om, but not criminal.

 

When it becomes criminal (stalking, assault, vandalizing property, etc.) or self harm, I can understand the anger, but don't agree at all with what they are doing. They need to get some mental health help and begin to heal.

[bachdude]

I understand that a BS goes through hell following a dday, but something I came across just made me feel that a BS's request was somehow twisted.

 

In seeking revenge and making the OWs life a misery, she told her WH to tell the OW that when he was sexual with her, he was imagining her daughter and fantasizing about the daughter. The daughter is an adult BTW.

 

I did wonder if the BW hadn't considered how this made her WH look. She said it will help her and as the WS he should do anything to help her heal.

 

No matter how much you want the AP to feel hurt, this is surely way too low.

 

What do you think ?

 

Do any BSs think the WS should do ANYTHING for the spouse after an affair?

 

This looks to me that the BS is trying to get back at and hurt the OW. It is pure revenge. It is also a way to punish her WH for his betrayal because it humiliates him.

 

She kills two birds with one stone (if he agrees to do it). Dark stuff.

[RoseVille]

If you were in the bs shoes, would that really matter that much? From their perspective, it may not, and I can understand that.

 

Think of it this way. A spouses affair can be like throwing dynamite into a person marriage. Yes, the person throwing (ws) it is largely responsible, but the person who lit the fuse ( ow or om) also plays a role. While it may be true that if it wasn't them it would have been someone else, the fact remains it was them and not someone else.

 

I'm not saying that what the bs did in the op example is right ( it actually sounds really weird), but the irony of people getting annoyed or saying the bs goes "too far" in how they react to infidelity is not lost.

 

In my opinion, unless she or he commits a criminal act, it's not going too far. It may be outlandish, it may be unhealthy as hell, but still when compared to the role the ow or om played in destroying their life and state of mind, the things a bs does for "revenge" tend to be insignificant.

 

They may write a nasty email or note, tell the ow or om bs about the affair, spill the beans to their circle of friends, confront the ow or om verbally in public...all not pleasant for the ow or om, but not criminal.

 

When it becomes criminal (stalking, assault, vandalizing property, etc.) or self harm, I can understand the anger, but don't agree at all with what they are doing. They need to get some mental health help and begin to heal.

 

Re: the bolded, nah. The OW suffers enough in the A, she need not be attacked with some sick twisted hurtful behavior from the BS, too. The BS needs to direct their anger towards the person who betrayed them.

 

Revenge, especially towards someone other than the person who betrayed you, is wrong.

[jen1447]

I don't think lies overtop existing lies ever help any situation, and probably only cause more damage. I understand BSs are injured, but counter-punching won't actually provide any long-term healing, and investing so deeply in a lie will probably remain with that woman forever.

[minimariah]

that's just... weird.

[autumnnight]

I thought part of the "thing" is that a BS is better than a WS. If they ask the WS to craft MORE lies, they sneak around and lie themselves, they drive around with a gun, etc....aren't they really just becoming "as low as" the WS?

 

Or is lying because you are the BS somehow less lying than lying when you are a WS?

[minimariah]

I did wonder if the BW hadn't considered how this made her WH look.

 

i think the point is to humiliate both of them -- to make the WH look like some kind of predator in front of the OW. i think she knows how will it make her WH look, that's the point.

 

No matter how much you want the AP to feel hurt, this is surely way too low.

 

i don't even think it's low because the OW probably won't believe it... it is that ridiculous... it's just... creepy & weird. like, how did she even get that idea? LOL.

 

Do any BSs think the WS should do ANYTHING for the spouse after an affair?

 

well -- you should do things you're comfortable with.

 

i know a woman who forced her WH to watch her have sex with another dude as some kind of revenge so... people do have a lot of weird ideas.

[jen1447]

Actually that last one would be totally legit in my book.

[MissBee]

I understand that a BS goes through hell following a dday, but something I came across just made me feel that a BS's request was somehow twisted.

 

In seeking revenge and making the OWs life a misery, she told her WH to tell the OW that when he was sexual with her, he was imagining her daughter and fantasizing about the daughter. The daughter is an adult BTW.

 

I did wonder if the BW hadn't considered how this made her WH look. She said it will help her and as the WS he should do anything to help her heal.

 

No matter how much you want the AP to feel hurt, this is surely way too low.

 

What do you think ?

 

Do any BSs think the WS should do ANYTHING for the spouse after an affair?

 

Of course anything doesn't go.

 

If I decided to forgive an affair I wouldn't need my spouse to further engage with the OW to tell her lies or hurt her, no matter how angry.

 

I think though for the WS desperate to reconcile they are caught between a rock and a hard place in that even if they realize the request is insane they may feel objecting to it would only make their BS angry or through with them so they may do so under duress, but I think I'd still have to put my foot down if I were the WS and my spouse asked me to do that.

 

But such seems to be the mess of affairs unfortunately, it's that you can't really dictate what will happen, people may not be rational or thoughtful or empathetic or anything and will just operate solely based on feelings. This is all parties too. WS who decides to get into affair and throws away common sense sometimes, OW who does the same or becomes bunny boiler in the end, BS post dday and so on, all three caught in the mess are subject to act irrationally.

Edited May 17, 2015 by MissBee

[sandylee1]

i think the point is to humiliate both of them -- to make the WH look like some kind of predator in front of the OW. i think she knows how will it make her WH look, that's the point.

 

 

 

You know Mini, I never thought of that. But if you want to reconcile, I don't understand the humiliation.

 

 

i know a woman who forced her WH to watch her have sex with another dude as some kind of revenge so... people do have a lot of weird ideas.

 

Yes, I've heard something similar, but not actuality watching. The BW got a high end hunky escort and showed her H a pic and told him, she was going to a hotel to meet the guy. She says, as she told him in advance, it wasn't a lie and she wasn't cheating.

[sandylee1]

I don't feel that OWs intentionally hurt the W. They don't seek out to cause pain, it's just a natural consequence most of the time.

 

 

 

I don't see how that can help anything. It suggests to me that BS isn't in the right state of mind. Maybe she's thinking and acting crazy right now in the immediate aftermath, or maybe she's just an mean spirited person.

 

I would hope that if MM's wife made that sort of demand, he'd refuse. And not just to protect me, but himself and her and what shred of integrity he might have left.

 

With respect - I don't think the intention really matters to the BS. It's like driving twice the speed limit and/or drink driving, getting into a car accident and injuring /killing another road user, then saying it wasn't your intention.

 

I'm not sure the intention was to make the BS heal, it was more to make the OW hurt as much as she was. It was to destroy her.

 

Whilst I absolutely disagree with this, a thing that BSs hate, is any action that 'protects ' the OW/OM. They feel unprotected during the A, so the WS has to protect them in the aftermath.

[sandylee1]

 

Or is lying because you are the BS somehow less lying than lying when you are a WS?

 

The BS wouldn't be the one lying. She was making the WS lie to help her destroy the OW.

 

She said he had no problem lying to her and the kids during the 2 year affair, so why should he have a problem now.

 

It just compounds the destructiveness of affairs, that a seemingly normal woman would go to such lengths. I guess you can never know how the BS will act unfortunately, unless what they do is illegal, the OM/OW can't do anything.

[sandylee1]

Yes, it is absolutely possible for a BS to go too far, and yes, there should be limits to the "anything" a WS is supposed to do.

 

But you'll be hard pressed to find many people, especially men, who agree with that.

 

I'm not sure what you meant by especially men. Is it that ?men believe you as a WW should do anything

[preraph]

I think it's a reflection n the BS of what kind of person she is, a reflection on her husband for choosing someone with such a mean streak, and a reflection on the OW for choosing the husband. They all sound like they deserve each other, in other words.

[Furious]

I understand that a BS goes through hell following a dday, but something I came across just made me feel that a BS's request was somehow twisted.

 

In seeking revenge and making the OWs life a misery, she told her WH to tell the OW that when he was sexual with her, he was imagining her daughter and fantasizing about the daughter. The daughter is an adult BTW.

 

I did wonder if the BW hadn't considered how this made her WH look. She said it will help her and as the WS he should do anything to help her heal.

 

No matter how much you want the AP to feel hurt, this is surely way too low.

 

What do you think ?

 

Do any BSs think the WS should do ANYTHING for the spouse after an affair?

 

 

I think the betrayed spouse is being irrational and needs to a get a grip and some counselling.

 

There are few details as what kind of things transpired during the affair that deeply damaged her. Some of the most rational and level headed folks can snap and do or say things they would never imagine they are capable of.

 

Luckily, I did not have the experience of an affair partner in my marital bed, or in my home. Luckily I did not have a double betrayal of a friend being the affair partner. If so, I wonder how I would have reacted.

 

There's a genuinely good man here who is so sweet and fair and helps a lot of folks in the infidelity forum. This man, who is a pacifist and gentle, dragged the sofa,his wife had sex on with another man, and lit it on fire. To this day, he regrets it but it happened. No one is immune from trauma, and no can predict the unpredictable.

 

In a way, compared to some cases, for example that involves physical assault and sometimes worse, this seems a benign irrational reaction that with counselling can be addressed.

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure what you meant by especially men. Is it that ?men believe you as a WW should do anything

 

I have noticed online that while women are deeply traumatized by the A and might lash out and say awful things about both the WH and the OW, some men seem to not only revel in calling their own WW a whore or slut or whatever long after D-Day (even when supposedly reconciled), they like to interject into every WW or BH thread with the same sentiments, as if every WW is theirs.

 

IRL, I think men and women are probably about the same. And IRL, I think most couples who stay together without mulling it online probably move on eventually, and those who D just D and get on with it.

 

I am referring, BTW to years later. I know one BH who STILL follows the OM around over a decade later online, ready to ruin anything good that might come into the OM's life. That is waaay beyond normal anger and hurt and smack in the middle of psychological issues.

 

I do agree with Furious, however. I think that thinking horrible thoughts and even setting a couch on fire is sort of par for the course. If I found out someone had cheated on me in our bed, I'd probably burn the mattress and chainsaw the bed. It is when the anger becomes criminal, psychotic, or physically injurious that intervention should be swift.

 

 

I think what one who thinks they want to reconcile might want to remember is that while a WS should probably do just about anything a BS asks....some of those things can in themselves be damaging enough to harm reconciliation. I mean, one can ask their spouse to stand naked at an intersection wearing a sandwich board that says, "I am a cheating whore." But exactly what kind of aid will that render in true reconciliation? Outside of some online fringes, I do not know one single normal person who would say that will help a couple reconcile.

[velvette]

I understand that a BS goes through hell following a dday, but something I came across just made me feel that a BS's request was somehow twisted.

 

In seeking revenge and making the OWs life a misery, she told her WH to tell the OW that when he was sexual with her, he was imagining her daughter and fantasizing about the daughter. The daughter is an adult BTW.

 

I did wonder if the BW hadn't considered how this made her WH look. She said it will help her and as the WS he should do anything to help her heal.

 

No matter how much you want the AP to feel hurt, this is surely way too low.

 

What do you think ?

 

Do any BSs think the WS should do ANYTHING for the spouse after an affair?

 

 

I think its great revenge fantasy material to work through anger, but taking revenge fantasies into real time is not healthy.

 

 

Lying or being a party to deceiving someone else is never going to help you find your own truth. And things this twisted when acted out usually have a way of backfiring big time.

[angelcake]

I have to say that line about thinking about the daughter during sex is pretty creative. Sick and dark, but creative none the less, LOL.

 

But, I doubt many OW would believe that. It's quite demented.

 

The BS was probably in a crazy state of mind and certainly when a person is that hurt, all common sense is thrown out the window.

[minimariah]

You know Mini, I never thought of that. But if you want to reconcile, I don't understand the humiliation.

 

ego, revenge, wanting to hurt the BH & OW as much... you name it. wanting to stay together doesn't make the hunger for revenge to go away. that's why for a lot of couples, post-affair relationship looks like living hell for both parties - BS hurting and doesn't know how to get rid of that hurt & anger; WS is being constantly punished and surrounded with constant tension.

 

when that chaotic phase goes away -- you can start to actually reconciliate.

[sandylee1]

 

There's a genuinely good man here who is so sweet and fair and helps a lot of folks in the infidelity forum. This man, who is a pacifist and gentle, dragged the sofa,his wife had sex on with another man, and lit it on fire. To this day, he regrets it but it happened. No one is immune from trauma, and no can predict the unpredictable.

 

.

 

I think setting the sofa alight is fine. I've heard the same done with beds too. Some have insisted the car goes when it was used as a rendezvous. Even if it meant financial loss. All fine IMO.

Who wants to be in the car that a WS had sex with their AP in.

[gettingstronger]

No one forces anyone to do anything. If the story in the OP is true, than the WS agreed to the terms. I so dislike the idea that people are forced in to anything. So silly.