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at a loss...emotional neglect / abuse


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For 15yrs i have been married. Its had good and bad but probably more bad. Ive come to realize that i have been doing what i saw and hear my mom do to my stepdad and that was belittling him almost daily. And my husbands parents have almost the same marriage.i guess you can say we are products of our childhood.

 

With that being said we have done things to each other that have us on the path of divorce and i do not went that. I want us to find commen grounds and stop being as he said fire and ice. He has in the past turned to the internet and talking to other females and I've blown up but we get past it until the next time. And i find everything negative to say or do to him including being on the couch the last few years and only coming to bed ever6 mo or so to "be" with him. Then the next night back to the couch. I had basically remove myself from the marriage after the last incident. That was almost 2 yrs ago. Then recently i decided i wanted my marriage to work and therefore was putting fourth effort but many continuous belittling or telling him he is wrong even though he was right has put my husband in a place he said "im flatlined" he is empty. But in the midst of all this he has rekindled a friendship from 20yrs ago with as he said "she WAS that girl" ... they i know started out by talking on the computer and when i found out it turned to talking on the phone. I feel he is emotionally having an affair on me/us .. but I've also pushed him so far he doesn't want to fix our marriage or stand with me to help me to find out the core of why i feel the needto put him down/knock him down.we are going to a counselor on Tue for the first time but i am afraid it may do more damage than good that it will make him turn more to this "friend" and my marriage will end.

 

I am also dealing with acknowledge ment of my own demons/depression and this ha been a huge eye opener for me of I'm literally reliving my childhood except i am my mother.

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Why do you want to stay in the marriage? You sound like you have been mostly unhappy in it, so why now that he is done with it do you want to stay? It sounds like you have an out and an opportunity to restart your life and make something happy out of it.

 

I'm currently dealing with a loss of passion/love/excitement in my marriage (been married 8 years, together 18 years) We both had emotional affairs. I still don't know if we will end up in a divorce. My thought is why force a romantic relationship that you have no romantic feelings for? (I get that impression based on the fact that you only sleep together once every 6 months or so)

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For 15yrs i have been married. Its had good and bad but probably more bad. Ive come to realize that i have been doing what i saw and hear my mom do to my stepdad and that was belittling him almost daily. And my husbands parents have almost the same marriage.i guess you can say we are products of our childhood.

 

With that being said we have done things to each other that have us on the path of divorce and i do not went that. I want us to find commen grounds and stop being as he said fire and ice. He has in the past turned to the internet and talking to other females and I've blown up but we get past it until the next time. And i find everything negative to say or do to him including being on the couch the last few years and only coming to bed ever6 mo or so to "be" with him. Then the next night back to the couch. I had basically remove myself from the marriage after the last incident. That was almost 2 yrs ago. Then recently i decided i wanted my marriage to work and therefore was putting fourth effort but many continuous belittling or telling him he is wrong even though he was right has put my husband in a place he said "im flatlined" he is empty. But in the midst of all this he has rekindled a friendship from 20yrs ago with as he said "she WAS that girl" ... they i know started out by talking on the computer and when i found out it turned to talking on the phone. I feel he is emotionally having an affair on me/us .. but I've also pushed him so far he doesn't want to fix our marriage or stand with me to help me to find out the core of why i feel the needto put him down/knock him down.we are going to a counselor on Tue for the first time but i am afraid it may do more damage than good that it will make him turn more to this "friend" and my marriage will end.

 

I am also dealing with acknowledge ment of my own demons/depression and this ha been a huge eye opener for me of I'm literally reliving my childhood except i am my mother.

 

Please take this the right way, but the only way your marriage will work is for both of you to work on yourselves first. Then you have to commit to relating to each other in healthy ways.

 

There are ways to communicate with each other that avoid drama and aim at resolving issues. My opinion is that a lot of relationships end because of poor conflict resolution skills. The conflict turns into a time when both tear each other down and a lot of damage is done. Instead of working together as a team to resolve problems it turns into a me vs you mentality/I'm right your wrong, etc.

 

It sounds like a lot of damage is already done but in order for it to work he is going to need to have the same commitment as you to work on the marriage.

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Sit down somewhere quiet and replay the significant times in your life together, but imagine you are in his shoes and he is in yours. Ask yourself, What would he do if I was doing this to him instead of the other way around?

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I don't want to sound harsh, but what you have currently isn't a marriage.

 

Maybe it was in the past, but just now it isn't.

 

A marriage is two people working together for their common good, from a foundation of love.

 

To recreate the marriage, you'd need to rebuild your whole relationship from the bottom up.

 

You need to find out or remember what love is, because you've either forgotten, or never knew what it is.

 

Your first step should be individual counselling.

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Please take this the right way, but the only way your marriage will work is for both of you to work on yourselves first. Then you have to commit to relating to each other in healthy ways.

 

There are ways to communicate with each other that avoid drama and aim at resolving issues. My opinion is that a lot of relationships end because of poor conflict resolution skills. The conflict turns into a time when both tear each other down and a lot of damage is done. Instead of working together as a team to resolve problems it turns into a me vs you mentality/I'm right your wrong, etc.

 

It sounds like a lot of damage is already done but in order for it to work he is going to need to have the same commitment as you to work on the marriage.

 

I'm so sorry you and your H are going through this. You're in my prayers today.

 

Bach is absolutely right. You both have heart issues that need to be honestly faced and addressed. If you don't deal with these issues from your past, they will continue to sabotage your happiness.

 

I'm so glad to hear you're going to a counselor next week. I hope it goes well. Let me encourage you to buy into the process of change. This will not a be a one-visit cure for your self or your marriage. You have to be willing to fight for it. Good luck.

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Why do you want to stay in the marriage? You sound like you have been mostly unhappy in it, so why now that he is done with it do you want to stay? It sounds like you have an out and an opportunity to restart your life and make something happy out of it.

 

I'm currently dealing with a loss of passion/love/excitement in my marriage (been married 8 years, together 18 years) We both had emotional affairs. I still don't know if we will end up in a divorce. My thought is why force a romantic relationship that you have no romantic feelings for? (I get that impression based on the fact that you only sleep together once every 6 months or so)

 

 

 

I DO want my marriage - and I am realizing that I lived in a "war" zone as a child and have brought that into my marriage all these years. Talking with a family member the other night more came out of that "war" zone that I guess I had put in the way locked area of my memory. Seeing the way I've treated him from his perspective has been not only an eye opener for me but also a "coming to grips" aka "God moment" I guess for me. Knowing I need counseling has been the biggest pill for me to swallow - esp. with my family history of mental illness and destructiveness.

 

 

I just pray that we BOTH are open and honest and get ind. help as well as joint help - as a friend said it took us 15yrs to get here its going to take a long time to get to a healthy and happy place again together - if that is what God has chosen for us.

 

 

The biggest thing I need to get past is the fact that I belittled him like taking a hammer to a rock until there was nothing but dust left and now I'm trying to put all the dust back together. I have mentioned that it might be helpful for him as well to get ind. counseling - but that is on him I can only mention it the 1 time I did.

 

 

Right now I am taking the smallest of baby steps to make myself healthy and happy and let myself know its ok to let go of the childhood past and the abuse I took from my mom and the words I heard her say every day to my step dad.

 

 

Crap - writing it out has been hard enough to open up to anyone - esp strangers when I should have been open and honest to the man I deeply love.

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OP

 

You don't belittle someone you love. That's just very hurtful. It's all well and good saying your parents marriage was like this, but don't you recognise that's wrong?

 

 

Did he go to other women, before you started belittling him? Or after?

 

Belittling destroys and erodes self esteem and confidence. The only other way to cope with being belittled, is to emotionally detach from the person who belittles you. To put them in the 'I don't care area '. I think your H has done that.

 

It could very well be that too much damage has been done and your husband has checked out of the marriage.

 

If someone belittled your children, you'd not only be upset, but you'd know it would impact them negatively.

 

If your H wants to work on things, then I suggest IC, then MC. If he's not interested, then either just live together and coparent or end the marriage.

 

It doesn't sound like a healthy marriage at all. Plus your kids will mirror your behaviour in their marriages, just as you have.

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OP:

 

There are many valid definitions of love, but here is one to contemplate:

 

"Love is total commitment to the wellbeing of a person."

 

Underneath that you can place this aphorism, from medicine:

 

"First, do no harm."

 

Good luck with your efforts.

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Why do you want to stay in the marriage? You sound like you have been mostly unhappy in it, so why now that he is done with it do you want to stay? It sounds like you have an out and an opportunity to restart your life and make something happy out of it.

 

I'm currently dealing with a loss of passion/love/excitement in my marriage (been married 8 years, together 18 years) We both had emotional affairs. I still don't know if we will end up in a divorce. My thought is why force a romantic relationship that you have no romantic feelings for? (I get that impression based on the fact that you only sleep together once every 6 months or so)

 

OP

 

You don't belittle someone you love. That's just very hurtful. It's all well and good saying your parents marriage was like this, but don't you recognise that's wrong?

 

 

Did he go to other women, before you started belittling him? Or after?

 

Belittling destroys and erodes self esteem and confidence. The only other way to cope with being belittled, is to emotionally detach from the person who belittles you. To put them in the 'I don't care area '. I think your H has done that.

 

It could very well be that too much damage has been done and your husband has checked out of the marriage.

 

If someone belittled your children, you'd not only be upset, but you'd know it would impact them negatively.

 

If your H wants to work on things, then I suggest IC, then MC. If he's not interested, then either just live together and coparent or end the marriage.

 

It doesn't sound like a healthy marriage at all. Plus your kids will mirror your behaviour in their marriages, just as you have.

 

It I know started after the (I can count anymore) times he went online for "extra" pleasures - I know it started after our dgtr was born as I did not feel "sexy" for sex / love making as I'd gained almost 60 lbs in my pregnancy as well as she has health issues that took over our daily routine.

 

 

But the almost daily started about a yr or so ago when the suggestions of "we need us time" that I would suggest - or he would say "come to bed with me" but I wouldn't because all I could see was him and a damn computer screen.

 

 

As I said - I know I've said very hurtful things as well as gave off horrible body language. But I do feel he's detached himself so far that I don't think he will see that I do love him and do care for him as well as knowing that we can grow into a strong healthy if not stronger marriage.

 

 

As they say you don't realize what you have until it's either gone or misplaced. I just am praying as I stated that I can get myself back as a whole healthy loving person as well as get his love and trust.

 

 

I do NOT believe we've been as he said "fire and ice" for 15yrs - the last 2-3 yes - but we've also dealt with our dgtr's diagnoses, sudden death of my father and daily financial struggles and I think its taken over us and how to deal with our lives and instead of turning to each other we turned away and allowed it to get to this point of "destructiveness"

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[quote=HAK;6326

 

 

As I said - I know I've said very hurtful things as well as gave off horrible body language. But I do feel he's detached himself so far that I don't think he will see that I do love him and do care for him as well as knowing that we can grow into a strong healthy if not stronger marriage.

 

I WOULD FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE MY HUSBAND LOVED ME IF HE SAID HURTFUL THINGS TO ME CONTINOUSLY. SO IF YOUR H STRUGGLES TO SEE THAT YOU LOVE HIM, I TRULY UNDERSTAND.

 

As they say you don't realize what you have until it's either gone or misplaced. I just am praying as I stated that I can get myself back as a whole healthy loving person as well as get his love and trust.

 

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES IT'S JUST TOO LATE.

IT COMES OVER AS THOUGH NOW YOU SEE HE REALLY LIKES SOMEONE ELSE AND HE COUOD WANT TO LEAVE YOU, WANT HIM BACK.

 

 

I do NOT believe we've been as he said "fire and ice" for 15yrs

 

 

YOU DID SAY IT WAS MOSTLY BAD. PERHAPS HE'S HAD ENOUGH OF THAT.

 

CAN I ASK IF YOU WOULD HAVE WANTED THINGS TO IMPROVE IF HE HADN'T GOT CLOSE TO THIS OLD FLAME? WOULD YOU HAVE DONE ANYTHING ABOUT THE STATE OF YOUR MARRIAGE?

 

 

My replies are in caps above.

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My replies are in caps above.

 

I started to realize I needed to change the week of our Anniversary (January) and was making changes on the outside vs starting from within - it's always easier to "change" the outside and realizing that I need to work on my inside and my depths first has been an eye opener.

 

 

It's been very difficult for me to open up and express myself the way I have the last few weeks - and I honestly think seeing how much pain I've given him kills me. Do I think that the "old" friend rushed me a bit - yes - but I am trying to work on me. Do I want our marriage fixed now -of course who doesn't -- but I know its going to be a slow uphill battle every step of the way.

 

 

Do I have trust issues with him YES - he's done plenty within our marriage too for me to not have trust or feeling of openness but I am also questioning who has been his safety net - when it should be me - he's been my safety net for years and sadly I've not seen it the way I should.

 

 

I'm pissed at myself for taking so long to see so many things - but it also took 2 of us to let it get this far. Just praying that the 2 of us can climb the mountain together instead of against each other.

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Oh dear. I can get how hurt you are by your posts. Sorry about that.

I didn't mean to sound so harsh in my responses.

 

Sometimes it's really hard to tell those we love that we are sorry. I know a friend who had marital problems and it wasn't good, but not quite to the extent you describe.

 

What happens is one reaction causes another. So his talking to other women caused you to feel very resentful, presenting in the belittling. Possibly as a defence or protective mechanism. If this is the case, then discuss it in MC.

 

It also boils down to if he wants it enough. Can he get to see the wife he married 15 years ago and can you get the husband you married 15 years ago.

 

I understand that you have trust issues with him and that is not suprising.

 

If your H can dig deep and still has love for you, then you have a chance to build a better marriage.

 

Just to clarify, are you saying that after your daughter was born, you lost some confidence due to weight gain, then he turned to online liaisons? If so, and I know this is hard, you may have to let him see your vulnerable side and be truthful about how it started from your perspective. That may mean he sees you cry, but it's you being honest and owning your part in all this. It's not ALL your fault.

 

You said the session showed how much you realised you've hurt him. You can write him and say you now realise how bad it was. If you can explain it do so, but try not to blame him. Even if he did wrong, you can admit that the way you handled it was wrong and that you really regret this and wish you'd sought solutions on how better to deal with the issues.

 

This could be a start.

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self proclaimed master of logic here.

 

DO you really love him or are you just USED to him?

DO you want this for yourself or for the both of you?

Realize selfishness, are u only staying with him to stay with him?

 

My personal opinion. Bail its not love its just being there for eachother. On its face thats cool, but if thats all thats there its dead. Kill it with fire and move on. Sux yes. Hurts a lot yes. But find someone to be partners with not enimies.

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