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My man has a type that is opposite of me


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So to make it short and sweet, we've been together for almost three years, I've always been quite insecure about almost everything, he's always been nice enough to reassure me with some bull**** words but when it comes down to it, I'm black he's white and there's nothing but white girls in his past (and its not just about race they have totally different body types than myself) and I keep finding him searching for little white girls online. It's all harmless, I've watched plenty of porn and had my fair share of celebrity crushes but I am uninterested in all of that now that he's in my life and apparently he does not feel the same and it hurts me. In the beginning we were "friends with benefits" and he wanted to keep it that way but I wanted more, I was quick to say those three words while he said he "could grow to love me" well the growth has occurred and now I have a hard time accepting it! The beginning stays with me no matter how much time passes. Should I just get over myself and stop giving him a hard time or should I just let him free so he can move on to the girls he's really attracted to??

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PegNosePete

If he is searching for girls online then it's certainly a bad sign.

 

Their size or skin colour is irrelevant.

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empresario

I've been fortunate enough to meet a lot of amazing black ladies and befriend a lot of them.

 

 

Once thing I've found to be a constant that nobody seems to talk about: there is a lot of self-hating in the black, female community right now. I've had some women tell me they purposely stay out of the sun in order to appear lighter. A lot of them have no self-worth.

 

 

And culturally, how could they avoid such thoughts? Children are programmed from childhood to see dark as 'scary' and light as 'good'. It's sociological fact. So, if I'm off-base in your situation, I apologize. But the fact you brought it up says I'm not.

 

 

At the end of the day, it could be a couple things. Primarily, it could be that he just doesn't want a relationship with you. Innocent enough. People break up all the time. Secondly, it could be that you are just unable to accept the situation as it is. From the last part of your message it seems possible.

 

 

If he has never shown real discontent in your relationship and you have no reason to believe he's checked out mentally or physically...then you have to trust him. Or you don't. Either way, the choice of how to move forward is simple. I want you to break your line of thinking right now. No matter where you've been or who you are...you are valuable and deserve respect and love within your relationship. Never settle for less.

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d0nnivain

If he's been with you for THREE YEARS and all of the other women he's dated in the past have different body types, it's safe to say that even if he has a type, which I doubt, it's NOT BASED ON LOOKS.

 

Three Years!!!!!!! Read that again 3 years -- 36 months -- 156 wweks -- 1,095 days. For pete's sake, the guy likes you. Accept that.

 

Do talk to him about the searches for other women because that is a problem. But it's not based on race or what you look like. It would still be a problem if he was searching for women who could be your twin sister.

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I appreciate your last two comments guys and I definitely agree, black women have negative sense of self and self-worth and I am definitely no different! He has told me plenty of times how much he loves and appreciates me but at the end of the day those are words and he turns around and does those things online and its innocent enough for me to ignore but it still irks me!!

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I think the others misunderstood what you meant by 'searching for girls online'. You meant porn, didn't you? Not online dating. I think some of the posters here think he is looking at other women to date.

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If he's been with you for THREE YEARS and all of the other women he's dated in the past have different body types, it's safe to say that even if he has a type, which I doubt, it's NOT BASED ON LOOKS.

Of course it's based on looks.

 

The thing is though, a 'type' isn't always set in stone, regardless whether you are male of female. People change, enjoy variety, etc. Not everyone sticks with the same body type for the rest of their lives.

 

The question is OP how he makes you feel in bed.

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d0nnivain
Of course it's based on looks.

 

No. I said her BF's type isn't based on looks alone if he's dating women of varying shapes, sizes & colors.

 

I have a type. If you lined up every guy I ever dated, with a handful of exceptions they would look like the were all in the same family: medium sized guys, with dark hair, square jaws, roman noses & piercing light colored eyes. There are about 5-6 that don't fit that mold.

 

Yes people date based on looks / attraction but if he didn't have some attraction to her why would he stick around for 3 years?

 

OP -- while I don't think one partner's behavior is an excuse for cheating, if you are asking for reassurance that he likes you on a regular basis I can't help but wonder if he is looking at these other pictures & daydreaming about what it would be like to date somebody who is not so needy / clingy / insecure. After a while that becomes a drag. I know there were times in my past when I was so depressed & full of self loathing that I was miserable to be around. I put my BF at the time through at lot. As I got healthier & accepted that he loved me, I was lighter & more fun to be around. That made our whole relationship better because I believed I deserved to be loved and that he loved me.

 

Try changing your attitude on the subject. Again do discuss his viewing habits but if you assume he cares & you operate from that position of strength & security, it will do wonders for your relationship & should cause him to stop looking.

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This is a red flag situation, because of what OP had described her boyfriend saying about the nature of their relationships. He had 'wanted to be just friends with benefits?' Who says that and still has respect for the girl? Even if he says he is a committed boyfriend, that seems all kinds of wrong. Sorry.

 

 

Another thing about 'type' and interracial dating is that there is a phenomenon people feel where they have a sort of sexual 'curiosity' about another race. He has satisfied his curiosity with you. I worry that he is seeing you as a RACE and not a PERSON. It doesn't sit well. And it goes either way, from black to white and white to black or Asian to Hispanic and whichever way.

 

 

I have always had a sort of 'curiosity' myself about what it would be like to date a man of another race. But since I live in a small rural area that is mostly white, I never HAD the pool of diverse men to date from. And if I had dated, say, a black man, I would have had to look down deep and make certain that he was someone I adored as an awesome and fun person who just HAPPENED to be black- and not 'ohhh Afro-Tastic!' (Hairspray quote.) I am worried that maybe your boyfriend might be thinking shallowly of 'having the diversity of women' and that is disrespectful and just not okay. You need to talk about this and get it out in the open, because it doesn't seem to have had the most solid and respectful beginning in the first place.

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ascendotum
If he's been with you for THREE YEARS and all of the other women he's dated in the past have different body types, it's safe to say that even if he has a type, which I doubt, it's NOT BASED ON LOOKS.

 

Three Years!!!!!!! Read that again 3 years -- 36 months -- 156 wweks -- 1,095 days. For pete's sake, the guy likes you. Accept that.

 

Do talk to him about the searches for other women because that is a problem. But it's not based on race or what you look like. It would still be a problem if he was searching for women who could be your twin sister.

 

I think the fact that he never had a black gf before is irrelevant, but he could very well have a body 'type' if there was a trend in past gfs. If it was just that, it could still be downplayed but if his exes tended to be petite and here he is searching for pics of those women still, I think it is valid for her to worry. At the same time though other aspects beyond her body shape & skin color could have grown to very much appeal to him. It also depends on how he treats her day to day and his passion for her. She pushed for the upgrade from fwb and maybe she puts in more effort for the relationship and treats him better than any of his exes and that's why he keeps staying with her, rather than because she turns him on. I think she needs to discuss those www searches with him

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Where is this "black women" self-hatred thing is coming from?

 

I'm mixed, but consider myself black and pardon if I offend anyone, but I find lots of physical characteristics and mannerisms of women of other races something I'm glad I do not have.

 

For one, I do not hide from the sun. I have a wonderful olive complexion and rarely burn...quite frankly, now that I have to put on shorts to run, I get embarrassed every year on how my legs are so freakin' pale.

 

I looooove my luscious lips...they are full and sexy like me. Angelina Jolie and I could probably do things to please men with these lips that they ain't gettin anywhere else.

 

I have a lovely "woman's figure"...thank you.

 

And I love my Krazy Kurly hair...

 

While I do take pride in my evolution from a redheaded demon child, to a blondie, then to a dark brown with a bit of blonde that comes and goes with the summer, I enjoy every bit of ethnicity that runs in my veins thank you...

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I don't disagree with what everybody's saying, but you must look pretty damn good to bag a white guy with preference like that.

 

I think it might be time to consider ending things, but you should still feel pretty good about yourself. Lol

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BTW I had a similar problem back in October. A gal I was seeing had a thing for black guys. Her ex was black and she had a girlfriend who was the same way. Anytime we were out somewhere her friend was always checking out black guys and telling her "he's cute!" "Yeah he's cute hehe* made me feel kinda weird.

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If he's been with you for THREE YEARS and all of the other women he's dated in the past have different body types, it's safe to say that even if he has a type, which I doubt, it's NOT BASED ON LOOKS.

 

Three Years!!!!!!! Read that again 3 years -- 36 months -- 156 wweks -- 1,095 days. For pete's sake, the guy likes you. Accept that.

 

Do talk to him about the searches for other women because that is a problem. But it's not based on race or what you look like. It would still be a problem if he was searching for women who could be your twin sister.

 

I'm sorry, but three years with no ring and a date means whether or not he "likes" you, this RL isn't going anywhere.

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I think the fact that he never had a black gf before is irrelevant, but he could very well have a body 'type' if there was a trend in past gfs. If it was just that, it could still be downplayed but if his exes tended to be petite and here he is searching for pics of those women still, I think it is valid for her to worry. At the same time though other aspects beyond her body shape & skin color could have grown to very much appeal to him. It also depends on how he treats her day to day and his passion for her. She pushed for the upgrade from fwb and maybe she puts in more effort for the relationship and treats him better than any of his exes and that's why he keeps staying with her, rather than because she turns him on. I think she needs to discuss those www searches with him

 

Eh, I think they're still in a FWB situation - but maybe she doesn't see it that way.

 

Maybe he's still with her cuz she's "available". I mean, no guy is gonna kick a woman out of his bedroom (well unless something's really wrong). Not sure if him sticking around/with her has anything to do with whether or not she treats him a certain way.

 

Maybe they're shacking up together?

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sandylee1

If you really weren't his type then he wouldn't be with you this long. Even as a fwb, if he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't go there.

 

Sometimes people find themselves with someone who they wouldn't normally go for, but they soon settle comfortably when they get to know them well enough because it's not all about the look.

 

The only thing I would ask, is are his family accepting of you? Because if not, that could influence whether he stays with you long term. I've known the situation where the family are okay with dating a black girl, but would not want her as a daughter in law.

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