Should you feel sorry for cheaters and the people they cheat with

[jbrent890]

I have been wrestling with myself on creating this thread. I feel that I'm going to get a ton of flack for it, but I think it will develop into a good debate. The title says it all. When I read the stories on here I try my hardest to feel sorry for the remourseful cheaters and OW/OM, but in the end I cant. At the end of the day, I feel that they brought everything on themselves. I understand that some people are lied to, but you are still getting involved with someone that is married. It really does make me wonder if it is an ego thing. To know that you can offer something the BS can't. My sympathy goes towards the people that did not ask for what happened to them. The individuals that still live unknowingly with people that would hurt them that like. I hate comparing BSs to OW/M, but the major difference is that the BS had no choice in the matter. Again, I'm interested to hear thoughts on this? To be honest, I'm hoping there is someone that can help me garner some type of sympathy for these people, but I think that is like waiting for a train that doesn't come.

[MuddyFootprints]

I didn't come here for sympathy or empathy, nor do I expect to post here and have my conscience soothed.

 

You don't have to worry about feeling sorry for me.

[Gloria25]

I feel sorry for people who are stuck in sucky marriages cuz they got kids, intertwined finances, and/or a SO who just let themselves go...

 

I got my freeeeeedom!!! I come and go when I please, I boink who I please and no one tells me how to run my castle. Get fat, boring, and/or stupid on me and you can walk yourself right outside of that door.

 

BTW, I am waaay late for my scheduled burning in Town Square. It was at midnight you know. Yeah, I'm the town OW/ho...and I don't feel sorry for myself thank you.

[Hawaii51]

Why would you concern yourself with how you >don't< feel? It's probably the sort of inner-confusion that you got hoodwinked to begin with.

[truncated]

The ow and om that I feel sympathy for are the ones who were lied to by the wayward spouse who told them they were not married. That is a horrible lie to tell someone.

 

As for other situations, it's kind of hard. So many times it's made to seem as if the om or ow had no choice but to engage in the affair because the married person "pursued them relentlessly".

 

As for the married person, in spite of what so many would like to have us believe, unless they live in a country where divorce is really difficult to obtain, they most certainly do have a choice. i find it very hard to swallow the excuse that " I had to cheat because divorce would rip my family apart and hurt my kids".

 

To me, that just doesn't make any sense.

[Phoenician]

OP ,

 

Nobody can be in anybody else shoes , I stayed faithful for 17 years ,17 ...cking years , in a nearly sexless marriage , living with a lazy selfish BPD ; with Vannila sex only , only when she wanted , only the way she wanted ;

 

attempted to cheat but escaped in the last moment.

 

I couldn't , I adore my kids ;

 

When I attempted to cheat ; it was not just a body I wanted ;It is that I just want a normal women in my life ;Who could , shout , cries , and get crazy but still have emotions in her heart .

 

I don't care if you call me names ; and the only reason I don't cheat is because im afraid that my kids finds out ; because i am not the type who would be just into an ONS ; I want a real venus near by me , Godess of charm , love and fertility .

 

She could be chumby , she could be what others see as ugly ; but when I find her ,chest will be the pillow of my heart .

 

but now I will not leave my kids to someone who watch 12 hours aday TV series and brag about laziness and doing nothing , feeding sandwiches at lunch , because more than 3 times per month is a pain in the neck .

 

 

 

Some people are not just incompatible ; some are like a cancer , they abuse you until they suck happiness from your heart ; because they are selfish to an extent that if a kid cries at night they will not even move from bed.

 

Don't feel sorry for me if I cheat ;

 

I feel sorry now because I didn't do it before ...

 

and by the way If you r telling it to serial cheaters , they don't care ; and if you are telling it to an abused spouse they have so much pain in their heart that they don't even care about what ppl say .

 

For me cheating can be everything ; it is when a spouse turns back on vows , it is when a spouse do not respect the other spouse needs , emotional , sexual ,etc ...

 

it is when a spouse lies before vows showing everything nice ; and will not even support a sick spouse.

 

 

TheWh0re might be selling her body for money ; but the B1tch is worse , she is the one who could cause a heart attack to her husband while everybody else sees her a nun ; Same apply to a Man , bitching is also in some men .

[Got it]

I have been wrestling with myself on creating this thread. I feel that I'm going to get a ton of flack for it, but I think it will develop into a good debate. The title says it all. When I read the stories on here I try my hardest to feel sorry for the remourseful cheaters and OW/OM, but in the end I cant. At the end of the day, I feel that they brought everything on themselves. I understand that some people are lied to, but you are still getting involved with someone that is married. It really does make me wonder if it is an ego thing. To know that you can offer something the BS can't. My sympathy goes towards the people that did not ask for what happened to them. The individuals that still live unknowingly with people that would hurt them that like. I hate comparing BSs to OW/M, but the major difference is that the BS had no choice in the matter. Again, I'm interested to hear thoughts on this? To be honest, I'm hoping there is someone that can help me garner some type of sympathy for these people, but I think that is like waiting for a train that doesn't come.

 

Okay . . . . everyone is welcome to their opinion.

 

Why do you feel that all APs and OP care if you feel sorry for them or not. What impact do you think that plays, or doesn't play?

[jbrent890]

Okay . . . . everyone is welcome to their opinion.

 

Why do you feel that all APs and OP care if you feel sorry for them or not. What impact do you think that plays, or doesn't play?

 

But that's just it, a lot of them do care. For a lot on here (not all) when you say something about their situation they don't like, they get exceedingly defensive and say don't judge me. You don't even have to beat the person up and still get this response. Whether they want to admit it or not, a lot of them do care what people think of them. One of the things I see said the most on this site by cheaters and OM/W is that there not bad people. If a person continually cheats on their spouse or aids in destroying a family, then what is the definition of bad person?

 

Now onto the people who say they were stuck. I'm sorry but I don't believe that for a second. What usually happens when the affair is revealed, they get a divorce, so obviously it wasn't that hard to leave the marriage. If the marriage was so bad, then they could have left. That whole stuck thing is a justification to have some fun on the side and still get things out of the marriage.

[cocorico]

But that's just it, a lot of them do care. For a lot on here (not all) when you say something about their situation they don't like, they get exceedingly defensive and say don't judge me.

 

"Judging" and "feeling sorry for" are not the only two options. There are a myriad other possible responses. Including none at all. Why engage if you can't relate,mans have nothing to offer but venom?

 

Now onto the people who say they were stuck. I'm sorry but I don't believe that for a second. What usually happens when the affair is revealed, they get a divorce, so obviously it wasn't that hard to leave the marriage. If the marriage was so bad, then they could have left. That whole stuck thing is a justification to have some fun on the side and still get things out of the marriage.

 

Another false dichotomy. "Cheating" and "leaving the M immediately" are not the only two options. Sometimes a WS needs time to figure out whether what they're feeling is fleeting, something minor that can be resolved within the M; or something significant that signals that the M is best abandoned and not resuscitated. Sometimes they need the time to figure out whether the AP is "the one", whether it was just lust or whether it is love, and whether the A R is sustainable long term or not. Sometimes it's a question of timing - they cannot leave at the point in time when the A commences, but over the course of the A, things change, so that leaving becomes possible.

[barcode88]

I don't think its healthy to judge people as a group, even if they may be a cheater.

 

Maybe they are in a ****ty marriage and feel trapped, who knows... I think everyone deserves to be happy, and if there is another person on this planet that makes them happy, I don't think they should be obligated to remain in a ****ty relationship.

 

No matter what goes down, feelings get hurt one way or another. I think the adult thing is to end a relationship before starting another, but Divorces can be a long process, and when kids get involved things get tricky.

 

No - Cheating ISN'T fair to the person being cheated on... However like they say: Life isn't fair.

[cocorico]

I have been wrestling with myself on creating this thread. I feel that I'm going to get a ton of flack for it, but I think it will develop into a good debate. The title says it all. When I read the stories on here I try my hardest to feel sorry for the remourseful cheaters and OW/OM, but in the end I cant. At the end of the day, I feel that they brought everything on themselves. I understand that some people are lied to, but you are still getting involved with someone that is married. It really does make me wonder if it is an ego thing. To know that you can offer something the BS can't. My sympathy goes towards the people that did not ask for what happened to them. The individuals that still live unknowingly with people that would hurt them that like. I hate comparing BSs to OW/M, but the major difference is that the BS had no choice in the matter. Again, I'm interested to hear thoughts on this? To be honest, I'm hoping there is someone that can help me garner some type of sympathy for these people, but I think that is like waiting for a train that doesn't come.

 

I have never expected sympathy, and certainly don't want it.

 

But I do expect people to abide by the rules / guidelines they agreed to when they signed up here - in their treatment of all other members, be they WS, BS, AP or any other. There are ways of conveying disagreement that do not involve dissing others or inviting fire and brimstone to rain down upon their heads.

[Got it]

But that's just it, a lot of them do care. For a lot on here (not all) when you say something about their situation they don't like, they get exceedingly defensive and say don't judge me. You don't even have to beat the person up and still get this response. Whether they want to admit it or not, a lot of them do care what people think of them. One of the things I see said the most on this site by cheaters and OM/W is that there not bad people. If a person continually cheats on their spouse or aids in destroying a family, then what is the definition of bad person?

 

Now onto the people who say they were stuck. I'm sorry but I don't believe that for a second. What usually happens when the affair is revealed, they get a divorce, so obviously it wasn't that hard to leave the marriage. If the marriage was so bad, then they could have left. That whole stuck thing is a justification to have some fun on the side and still get things out of the marriage.

 

When you are attacking someone they are going to counter your attack. That is basic human nature. Especially if you are expressing opinion as fact and expecting the other party to agree.

 

You sound like you have very limited experience, knowledge or understanding of affairs but have an opinion. Your right but people are going to disagree.

 

That does not mean they actually care if you like them. Asking you not to insult them is not them asking if you like them.

 

Why the need for the post? What are you looking for with this? Is this another attempt to get people to bend to your opinion? To agree that you are right and "they have seen the light"?

[jbrent890]

I have never expected sympathy, and certainly don't want it.

 

But I do expect people to abide by the rules / guidelines they agreed to when they signed up here - in their treatment of all other members, be they WS, BS, AP or any other. There are ways of conveying disagreement that do not involve dissing others or inviting fire and brimstone to rain down upon their heads.

 

Where in my post did I say we should burn people to the stake? My point is this, would you feel sympathy for the man who beats his wife? Would you feel sympathy for the teen bullying your child? I don't thin you would. At the end of the day cheating is abuse. I have read stories of pregnant women losing their children because of an STD their husband brought home. I read about man that tried to off himself when he found out the child he raised for 10 years wasn't his. This is not an exaggeration, I have been on this site for months and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen an OM/W say that they were sorry for the pain they caused the BS on anyone who may have been involved. Most times it is just vitriol or my personal favorite my APs marriage is none of my business.

[Got it]

Where in my post did I say we should burn people to the stake? My point is this, would you feel sympathy for the man who beats his wife? Would you feel sympathy for the teen bullying your child? I don't thin you would. At the end of the day cheating is abuse. I have read stories of pregnant women losing their children because of an STD their husband brought home. I read about man that tried to off himself when he found out the child he raised for 10 years wasn't his. This is not an exaggeration, I have been on this site for months and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen an OM/W say that they were sorry for the pain they caused the BS on anyone who may have been involved. Most times it is just vitriol or my personal favorite my APs marriage is none of my business.

 

Again. WHO CARES!?! Why does this tear you up so much? This isn't your life, impacting you or anyone else you are close to, these are faceless names that could, very easily, be completely fictional stories.

 

And for every sensational story that you posted there is the one that is not quite so . . . fantastic.

 

My story, had an affair, left at the beginning of the affair, we divorced, never told, he is happily remarried and has a child.

 

No major drama, no episode of "Cops", no soap opera.

 

There are others like this. They aren't all so dramatic. People just tend to remember the stories that are.

[kjohn]

Every situation is different and every person is different.

 

You either feel sorry for somebody or you don't and it is likely based on the specifics of their situation.

 

There is no need for you to force yourself to feel sorry for somebody you don't feel sorry for.

 

For example, if an OW/OM was lied to and led to believe that they were dating a single person, and then were horrified when they found out the person they were seeing was actually married...yes, I would feel sorry for that person.

 

If an OW/OM knew darn well they were dating a married person...no, I would not feel sorry for that person.

 

I can't say that I do or don't feel sorry for every single OM/OW because it depends on the situation.

 

I guess if I were going to make a generalization I would say that I do feel sorry for anyone who is lied to or mislead, whether that be the BS or the OW/OM.

 

I don't think I could ever feel sorry for anyone who knowingly participated in an affair for any reason because that is a choice you are making. You are choosing to do wrong and you have to accept whatever consequences may go along with that.

[jbrent890]

Again. WHO CARES!?! Why does this tear you up so much? This isn't your life, impacting you or anyone else you are close to, these are faceless names that could, very easily, be completely fictional stories.

 

And for every sensational story that you posted there is the one that is not quite so . . . fantastic.

 

My story, had an affair, left at the beginning of the affair, we divorced, never told, he is happily remarried and has a child.

 

No major drama, no episode of "Cops", no soap opera.

 

There are others like this. They aren't all so dramatic. People just tend to remember the stories that are.

 

You seriously need to relax. This is just a debate. Nothing more, nothing less. Nobody is attacking anyone and I'm certainly not trying change people's view points.

[jbrent890]

Every situation is different and every person is different.

 

You either feel sorry for somebody or you don't and it is likely based on the specifics of their situation.

 

There is no need for you to force yourself to feel sorry for somebody you don't feel sorry for.

 

For example, if an OW/OM was lied to and led to believe that they were dating a single person, and then were horrified when they found out the person they were seeing was actually married...yes, I would feel sorry for that person.

 

If an OW/OM knew darn well they were dating a married person...no, I would not feel sorry for that person.

 

I can't say that I do or don't feel sorry for every single OM/OW because it depends on the situation.

 

I guess if I were going to make a generalization I would say that I do feel sorry for anyone who is lied to or mislead, whether that be the BS or the OW/OM.

 

I don't think I could ever feel sorry for anyone who knowingly participated in an affair for any reason because that is a choice you are making. You are choosing to do wrong and you have to accept whatever consequences may go along with that.

 

I get this and I wasn't trying to generalize this. I wholeheartedly agree, if the person had no idea their AP, then I can't blame them and I do feel sorry them in that situation. What I don't get is when people who knowingly go into those relationships and it blows up in their face cry out "why is this hapenning to me" and people respond by saying I'm sorry for you pain, completely ignoring the fact that there is somone on the other end who never asked for that pain. I'm sorry but it just baffles me. One of things I noticed in terms of the advice given on this site is that it is never really encouraged for people to take responsibility for their actions. Usually when an OW/M posts, the MM or MW gets the brunt of the blame for manipulating them into the relationship. I think it does a disservice to the poster because all that accomplishes is downplaying their involvement.

[Got it]

You seriously need to relax. This is just a debate. Nothing more, nothing less. Nobody is attacking anyone and I'm certainly not trying change people's view points.

 

I am relaxed. Thank you.

 

What are you debating then? You are telling people they are bad people. You don't see that as attacking? What constitute attacking to you then?

 

So, again, what is the great premise of this? That people confound you? Congrats and welcome to the human race.

[MuddyFootprints]

Sometimes we have to recognize when we've become too emotionally invested in someone else's drama and remind ourselves to take a few steps back.

[jbrent890]

I am relaxed. Thank you.

 

What are you debating then? You are telling people they are bad people. You don't see that as attacking? What constitute attacking to you then?

 

So, again, what is the great premise of this? That people confound you? Congrats and welcome to the human race.

 

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I'm asking that if a person who risks the health of his or spouse or the person that aids in destroying a family isn't bad, then who is? I never called anybody bad, I asked a question. I would seriously like to know what constitutes a bad person if th above actions don't fit in the category of bad.

[Phoenician]

The most important thing in constructive arguments isbeing logical

ND Avoid generalization.i donot like cheating and never succeeded in

Doing it because when i attempt i see my girls face .

 

But when they grow up i will sit with them and explain how diffivult

It is to be sexually deprived ,and teach them how to match aith their

Partners.until then i might not be able to cheat , if i do it might be

An exposed affair/open marriage.

But i amnot a bad person if i do and dont care about opiniond if i do .

 

It is like the way i look into human around if they drink !,smoke,

Sin or take a pot ,this doesnt makr them bad ppl,it makes them human

Needs love help and support ,

[Phoenician]

Again, you are putting words in my mouth. I'm asking that if a person who risks the health of his or spouse or the person that aids in destroying a family isn't bad, then who is? I never called anybody bad, I asked a question. I would seriously like to know what constitutes a bad person if th above actions don't fit in the category of bad.

 

There is no bla k / white in this it iscasr deoendaent

It is not like the clear case of a drug dealer or crimunal.

 

The concept is that acheater could be an ********* ir sinner only

And the cheated on spouse could be an angel or a b1tch

(MALE CANBE BITCHY TOO).

[jbrent890]

There is no bla k / white in this it iscasr deoendaent

It is not like the clear case of a drug dealer or crimunal.

 

The concept is that acheater could be an ********* ir sinner only

And the cheated on spouse could be an angel or a b1tch

(MALE CANBE BITCHY TOO).

 

Actually I disagree. To me, cheating is very black and white. We create shades of grey to help assuage our guilt and justify our behavior.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I agree that many seem to want sympathy when things are not going so well.

 

There are a fair number of OW that don't necessarily want support to get out of an affair, but sympathy for the pain they go through when the MM doesn't have time for them, or when he does the push /pull. Or when they are devastated after dday, because they've been dumped.

 

I kinda think, but you knew the score when you got into the affair, you knew you were just an extra. It just seems like bringing unecessary grief on yourself, whilst also ruining a marriage.

 

As I often say, relationships are hard work at the best of times, but you've instantly got a higher mountain to climb with an affair.

 

I empathise with those who are broken, with very low self esteem and think a MM is all they can get.

 

A girl I knew years ago was always put down and called ugly by her mother and siblings. They treated her like a skivvy and she lacked so much confidence because of this and her sisters were prettier. She was treated like an outcast. I felt sorry for her as an OW, because she was treated like she wasn't worth anything else. She was damaged.

[Redhead14]

I have been wrestling with myself on creating this thread. I feel that I'm going to get a ton of flack for it, but I think it will develop into a good debate. The title says it all. When I read the stories on here I try my hardest to feel sorry for the remourseful cheaters and OW/OM, but in the end I cant. At the end of the day, I feel that they brought everything on themselves. I understand that some people are lied to, but you are still getting involved with someone that is married. It really does make me wonder if it is an ego thing. To know that you can offer something the BS can't. My sympathy goes towards the people that did not ask for what happened to them. The individuals that still live unknowingly with people that would hurt them that like. I hate comparing BSs to OW/M, but the major difference is that the BS had no choice in the matter. Again, I'm interested to hear thoughts on this? To be honest, I'm hoping there is someone that can help me garner some type of sympathy for these people, but I think that is like waiting for a train that doesn't come.

 

If a person is in a committed relationship and they are unhappy, they owe it to the partner to communicate that fact. If they cannot work out their differences, then they leave the relationship before they go on to someone else.

 

If they haven't communicated to their partner that they are unhappy and opt to be with someone else, that is inexcusable.

 

The person they have cheated with may be "off the hook" because they were unaware, however, they do share responsibility because they likely got into that relationship without knowing the person well enough to know the facts.

 

If that person did know the other was in a relationship and waiting for them to end it, they were stupid and carry blame. If they knew the person was cheating and hadn't communicated with their partner that they were unhappy, they are just as much to blame.

 

9 times out of 10, if, say the woman didn't know right away that a man was married and later found out, they will continue the "relationship" because they are attached and thinking the man will divorce his wife for her.

 

However, if she finds out he's married, in order to save "face", it is on her to end it. Then she can be exempt from blame if she does.