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fiance and porn ?


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abbylove99

Hi, this is my first post here and need some advice. Me and my fiance have been together for 9 years now, in the beginning we were both just looking for sex, nothing serious but the more time we spent together, I started developing feelings for him and we continued to see each other. Here comes the difficult part that I will explain, we were in a swinging type relationship, he had confessed to me that he is bisexual, and and that time I had confessed to him that I had thought about being with girls also, that's how we starting to explore into that lifestyle.. At the time, it was all fun.. we played off and on for years.. then about 3 years ago, something clicked in my head that I wanted something more serious, wanting the marriage and kids. So I had stopped 'playing', which led to the lifestyle stopping. Now to my question now.. our sex life has basically stopped, we only have sex now maybe once a month, if that.. I find porn on his computer all the time, I've tried to dress sexy for him to spice it up, nothing is working..(I had gained a little bit of weight the past year, so my self esteem is not so much there now).. he had said that he loves me, but just doesn't find me 'sexually' attractive, that when we were in the lifestyle it really turned me on and since I stopped it he hasn't been turned on now, I don't want to go back to the lifestyle and told him that, he now I'm trying to lose weight, but I am so frustrated! Why does guys turn to porn when they have a woman who is ready and waiting to have sex? Is there anyone in a similiar situation that can give me some advice?

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Michelle ma Belle

Do you think there is a possibility that your fiance is still out there having sex with other people?

 

I mean, just because YOU decided it's no longer what YOU want doesn't mean your partner is in agreement.

 

How did that conversation go over? Did he agree with you about the marriage and kids and white picket fence?

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mammasita

He just doesn't find you sexually attractive sounds like the HUGE deal breaker to me.

 

It was just sex at first - in theory, back then, he really didn't have to find you sexually attractive right? Maybe I'm reaching, but in your situation, I don't think there's another explanation. It was strictly sex.

 

Then you decided to start swinging. He puts aside his lack of sexual attraction for you because, well, why the hell not? He's a gat dayum kid in a candy store at this point.

 

So now you're stuck in a "relationship" which seems to have evolved out of convenience. I mean 9 years? I'm not saying that his lack of finding you attractive is even you. He could very well, at some point in time, decided that he was more attracted to men or simply met another woman behind your back.

 

Was he willing to stop swinging when you wanted out or did he do it grudgingly?

 

I mean, regardless of how you got to this point you're doing yourself a HUGE disservice by being with a man who "just doesn't find you sexually attractive".

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abbylove99

I even asked him if he is gay, he said no, that he doesn't look at guys romanticly, nor does he see himself dating a guy (holding hands, kissing), just likes the physical act of sex with a guy.

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abbylove99

I thought about that too Michelle, that he has someone on the side.. he has told me that he doesn't or would never cheat on me..I don't work, so I'm home all the time.. I have his work schedule (that he prints off from work itself), I have access to his phone.. of course, he can erase and delete anything, but I honestly don't think he is cheating..

 

he has and does keep talking about the lifestyle, how he didn't get to fully explore and that I decided to end it on my own without talking to him about his feelings for it.. when we were in the lifestyle, we would play together, we had rules, no one plays without the other one knowing (being there), no phone numbers exchanged, etc... yes, he does want to go back to that lifestyle but I don't.

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Michelle ma Belle
I thought about that too Michelle, that he has someone on the side.. he has told me that he doesn't or would never cheat on me..I don't work, so I'm home all the time.. I have his work schedule (that he prints off from work itself), I have access to his phone.. of course, he can erase and delete anything, but I honestly don't think he is cheating..

 

he has and does keep talking about the lifestyle, how he didn't get to fully explore and that I decided to end it on my own without talking to him about his feelings for it.. when we were in the lifestyle, we would play together, we had rules, no one plays without the other one knowing (being there), no phone numbers exchanged, etc... yes, he does want to go back to that lifestyle but I don't.

 

I think you need to discuss this further.

 

Yes, he may not be physically attracted to you right now because of the weight gain (always such a go-to answer by every man on here but something to consider nonetheless).

 

But he could also be resenting you for having pulled the plug on swinging/playing when he wasn't ready for it to be over.

 

It's hard to be living that kind of lifestyle and then have one partner change their mind. I don't have any answers for you since I haven't lived this life but I can only imagine the challenges this creates.

 

Would you be okay for him to take a lover on the side or are you expecting him to be monogamous as well?

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abbylove99

I would want him to be monogamous.. I hate to say it but I'm somewhat of a jealous person, I have to know what is going on and couldn't stand it if he was out with someone else..

He's already told me that he is trying to put his bisexual feelings aside for me, that it comes and goes.. like he says that he will have a dream and if he talks to me about it, then the feelings go away.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I've been with him for 9 years now ( really thought I would be married by now).

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Clarence_Boddicker

He's gay, but not willing to fully come out of the closet.

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abbylove99

well, I just talked to him.. he said that he has a lot of stress on him because he feels as though he is my caretaker, he can't see past anything else but my sickness.. I have bipolar, diabetes (periodonatal disease from diabetes, frozen shoulders from diabetes), pcos, depression and anxiety. I live in a big city and have panic attacks and anxiety when I drive, so there are alot of times that he has to take me to doctors and stuff, I do feel really bad cause I want to have to depend on him all the time.. he said that he sees me like his mom and not a gf.. now I'm struggling whether to just leave him or what :(

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d0nnivain

If he wants to be in the Lifestyle & you don't that is your problem. The porn is not a big deal accept as a symptom of him wanting what he can't have if he marries you.

 

You two have a lot of talking to do before you plunk down your 1st wedding deposit.

 

Good luck.

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He's got special needs. It's sad he can't do that AND form a real lasting loving relationship at the same time, but he can't. He'd rather masturbate to porn than have a real relationship. So let him. Now that you're settling down, go find a man that's appropriate for that, because he never would have been.

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spiderowl

I think that is the problem with entering into a relationship with someone who is into swinging. Yes, it can seem like a fun adventure at first but eventually the penny begins to drop that it isn't just a bit of fun for your partner and that he wants to continue with it. Personally, I would never trust a partner who was 'into' swinging. Trying it because they have been encouraged to is different, but 'into' it from the start suggests that monogamy would be impossible for such a person.

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  • 11 months later...

The base of every relationship should be rigth before you can build on it.

You guy started "bad" just sex sex sex and sex fantasy's.

 

It maybe that his mind and interest is still there. And since you dont want to offer him the thing why he started messing with you for, he may have lost interest or so.

 

Men are different. And i would say find some relationship books and read how to build relationships.

Starting with sex is a call for failure.

And he bisexual so you both need time to work on you and what you really want.

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