needed with long term relationship

[wdave79]

Hello In need of some advise please. almost 5 years ago I got divorced, which was a loveless marriage, and we were not right for each other. So After some time, of finding myself. I meet my new partner, we meet online, it was a distance relationship (80 Miles) she has 2 kids now 12 and 8, this was my first relationship with a woman with kids, however it didn't matter as I love this woman and I accepted they are all part of the package.

 

 

To start off with I visited her very frequently , however I felt we craved more time together, we missed each other, every time we saw each other it was special, we would cuddle, make love, and then I would count down to the next time I would see her. If I had holidays I would spent as much time as possible with her, her house was a second home and things seemed great. In August 2012 we decided we were gonna move in together, She had a house from an ex, so did I , so It was time to move on, get a new place and make a new start, we were very excited and in December 2012, we had a found a new place, we could call our own.

 

 

We had agreed that she was moving to my area, as at the time, I thought I had family I could count on, she understood what this meant to me, although Ive never had a large group of friends. After moving in, We did a have a great deal of stress, my dad interfered with things, - basically I fell out with my family. This had a very big impact on my emotional wellbeing, She was basically a rock for me, this impacted on all aspects of lift, as I worked from home, and had been working from my dads home, so I ended up having to cummute long days, working almost 12 hour days. This started to put a huge strain on our relationship.

 

 

This is where things have started to go bad! Obvoiusly my partners had her fair share of her own issues, and it feels to her like Ive not been there for her. Not having my family changed the feel I Constantly feel, basically made me afraid of loosing people. Turning me into a Clingy person that I do not like, I often feel insecure, due to loosing family and events of the past. To a degree my G/F has been patient with me, however I am still working on issues, but its now got to the point where she tells me she needs space.

 

 

To throw more into the pot, she is also now almost 15 weeks pregnant. So I am trying everything I can to resolve the issues, but it isn't just a click or instant fix, Ive been for counselling, taking Traznodone tablets for stress and help me sleep. We have had many arguments over my behavoir she says I go on too much, but I Sincerely have tried to become more chilled out, arguments in the home can start easily, for example If I tell one of the kids off, and don't give them enough warning, or today I picked her daughter from school, I parked in a different place, so I got out the car (to make sure she could see where I was parked) her daughter then got disrespectful, So I put my foot down, her daughter gets home, and then a fully blast augment will happen. She will then tell me off in front of the kids, we had previously said we would not discuss any adult things infront of the kids, Ive stopped doing this, now she will, and the kids have no respect. The daily life can be a living hell, as every since thing I do is always the wrong thing, no matter how hard I try.

 

 

Part of me thinks this may be down to the pregnancy I am doing my best to cope, however the stress is a endless circle. I don't want to walk out on my pregnant girlfriend and as cruel things get between us, I still really really love her.

 

 

Don't get me wrong I have been no saint in the past., and I have done things I regret. A long time ago, when we had a fight I confided in friends and family as I felt bad, so it made her look bad, and when I ve done things and shes asked me I may have said things so they come across in a different light. Months and months ago, I promised her this would change, and I have been as straight as I can...

 

 

But now I really do not know what to do, I feel like such as bad guy, for example tonight we went to ikea... Kids played in park so she went to sit in the car whilst I supervised the kids. She said she would ring me when she was ready... She messaged me "Give them a 5 minute warning" so I did, then I came back to the car, obviously hadn't phoned, BUT she implied that it was there last 5 minutes... This is just a typical example. I then feel like I am the one in the wrong, but to me I am just trying to use my common sence...

 

 

Ive no idea what to do anymore. I still love her, thoughts or help is appreciated.

[badpenny]

Could I ask what your ages are....?

 

because I'm sorry to say, and I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you sound like a guy barely out of his teens....

 

Your post doesn't read like the tale of a mature, responsible, experienced parent.

 

It sounds - purely from your phraseology and way of describing things - as if she is older than you....

 

You were previously married.

Did you marry very young?

Did you have children in THAT relationship?

Because if you are not an already-established parent, inheriting children is a very difficult move.

 

I take it this pregnancy was not planned.

I won't call it a 'mistake' because to be honest, NO child is a 'mistake'.

But that it happened at all shows a degree of irresponsibility.....

 

Which again, leads me to enquire about your ages....

[Satu]

You're dealing with quite a complex situation, when you consider the number of people involved, and to top it all, you're the man in the middle...

 

Not easy, no single remedy.

 

Here's my best suggestion:

 

Forget your family. Forget your girlfriend and her kids.

 

Do some stuff for yourself.

 

Have some time out for yourself.

 

If you've got any hobbies, get busy with them. If you don't have any, find one and get into it.

 

Go to the gym.

 

Catch up on your reading.

 

Go camp in the hills for a couple of nights.

 

You're not here on this earth for your family or your girlfriend, you're here for you, to be happy, and achieve you full potential as a human being.

 

Stop trying to please people.

 

It isn't working for you.

 

Be your own person.

Edited May 1, 2015 by Satu

[wdave79]

Were both 35, I was married at 25 to my ex, split up with her as we were very different and had grown apart.

 

The pregnancy was part planned my partner had the coil out and in space months was pregnant

Ive never had kids in my past relationship..

 

What I will say is I had huge problems with my family. No contact with dad for last 14 months, this messed with my head, as family used to be a big part of my life.

 

I tried to talk with her today, I know I've been no saint, and I'll b the first to own up to this..yes I discussed our relation with my family which was wrong, true I have been clingy and I've found and still find it hard to reassure myself sometimes.but all I want is to look at the future, can't change what's happened, she says she is not sure how she feels anymore...

 

She basically implied she will act a bitch until I change my ways, which I know I still ain't perfect, but how can this work surely its two way thing...

 

When we bought our house we signed a contract to say the money we put in, we would keep if it was sold, so I'm thinking the worst now... Either one of us has to go, or house might have to be sold. I also work from home... Big mess.. House is technically mine as mortage is in my name, not sure axtactly where I stand though.

 

Getting to the point as I don't care anymore as she is being abusive because of my behavior in the past, slightest little things set her off, she can't keep calm, I can only take this for so long...