Love is a feeling

[misty12]

I often read on forums like this that love is an action, not a feeling. I told my therapist about this, and she said she has never heard of that, nor does she understand it. If that is the case, then what's separates your spouse or your children from other people? So, of course it's a feeling. Yes, you can act in loving ways towards anybody. But that does not mean there is not a differentiation in your feelings between different people. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship and show love to somebody who you do not feel love for. Yes, feel. Just wanted to know what others thoughts are.

[PaperCrane]

Your feelings separate your loved ones from others, but that's just internally.

The only way people know your feelings is through your outward actions.

[autumnnight]

I often read on forums like this that love is an action, not a feeling. I told my therapist about this, and she said she has never heard of that, nor does she understand it. If that is the case, then what's separates your spouse or your children from other people? So, of course it's a feeling. Yes, you can act in loving ways towards anybody. But that does not mean there is not a differentiation in your feelings between different people. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship and show love to somebody who you do not feel love for. Yes, feel. Just wanted to know what others thoughts are.

 

Most of the time when I hear or read that statement, it means that with authentic, unselfish love, a person will choose to love even in tough times, even if the feelings wax and wane. I do agree that without that romantic/connected.intimate feeling, then the love for a spouse really is no different from friends/family/kids/etc.

 

And I feel it SHOULD be different. BUT, I don't want someone who's going to hit the road the minute things get tough and the feelings are tested either.

[pteromom]

The feeling that differentiates your partner from family is that you have the physical and emotional attraction to them. Plus, the commitment to each other.

 

That is nice stuff, but it isn't LOVE.

 

Love is when you want the best for someone, and you treat them as such.

 

It's a feeling (the warm feeling of accepting/acceptance, and caring) but it is also action.

 

If you take LOVE, and add to it sexual and romantic intimacy and a commitment to spend your lives together, that all adds up to being "in love" with someone.

 

So it is a mix of feeling AND action.

 

A lot of people tend to confuse "love" with the feelings of infatuation, lust, and limerence that are found in the honeymoon phase of relationships, but that isn't "love".

[Quiet Storm]

I think love is a combination of emotions + action. I think another component of love is that you genuinely care for the person's well being.

 

You can feel the feelings of love, but if you don't act on them, then they are really only your own personal thoughts. It's like plugging your charger into the wall, but not connecting your phone. The spark, the current is there... but it doesn't go anywhere. All that power is just sitting there, with no direction. Since the feelings don't prompt action, many would say the love is selfish or worthless.

 

Imagine a young woman who's father left the family when she was a small child. He was absent in her life, and in & out of jail. During all of those years, he felt love for her. He thought of her often & missed her. But he didn't contact her, support her, pay attention to her, come to her games, shows or graduations. If he says to the woman "I loved you all that time I was away", is that going to help her? Will knowing she was loved take away the feelings of abandonment? Will it cure her "daddy issues"? Will it help her trust men again? Will it remedy the pain that festered all those years? It will be nice to hear, but words won't fix his inaction. Feeling love in his own mind may give him feelings of happiness and connectedness, but that love inside of him did not prompt action. It could have enriched his daughters life, but he chose not to share it. Him simply "feeling it" minimizes and even trivializes the love, IMO. It's like saying "Yeah, I feel it but it's not important enough to show it".

 

You will see the "love is an action" phrase a lot when discussing affair situations. For example, a married man feeling love for the other woman, but still not leaving his marriage. In these cases, the man feels love & expresses it, but love doesn't prompt action. There are feelings of love and being connected, but if he chooses to stay married knowing his OW wants more, does he really have OW's best interests at heart? Is the love that he's feeling really beneficial to OW if it's just going to waste her life and keep her from fulfilling her life dreams? If he feels love, but views it as trivial or fleeting & not important enough to leave his marriage over, is that love? If he loves OW, but romantic love is not particularly essential in his life and is just "for fun", is that being "loving" to an OW who is 100% invested and whose life revolves around the affair?

 

Also, everyone feels love differently. For some, it's a very serious feeling that is rare & meaningful. Others love people like they love pizza or action movies- it's all about making them feel satisfied.

[deathandtaxes]

More like....love is a battlefield!

[misty12]

Thanks everyone, I agree with what has been said. I guess my point was that love is a feeling in addition to an action. I often read it is not a feeling. That is what my counselor and I are disagreeing with.

 

Also, I feel that if you truly do love your partner, that your feeling of love will remain even in the worst of times. You may not like your partner very much at that time. But you still love them.

[autumnnight]

Thanks everyone, I agree with what has been said. I guess my point was that love is a feeling in addition to an action. I often read it is not a feeling. That is what my counselor and I are disagreeing with.

 

Also, I feel that if you truly do love your partner, that your feeling of love will remain even in the worst of times. You may not like your partner very much at that time. But you still love them.

 

Can I ask how old you are?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

A great instructor said that the first period of romantic love is a form of insanity. I do see some truth in that.

[misty12]

Can I ask how old you are?

 

40 and married almost 15 years.

[autumnnight]

40 and married almost 15 years.

 

Ah, well than that means I have no intuition at al lol

[Justanaverageguy]

Also, I feel that if you truly do love your partner, that your feeling of love will remain even in the worst of times. You may not like your partner very much at that time. But you still love them.

 

From this comment are you asking because you no longer "feel" it with your husband .... thus you think you are no longer "in love" ? I hear a lot of women say they fall out of love - they leave there husbands to go and try and "chase a feeling".

 

I'm going to be really unromantic here. The feeling of "love" you refer to is actually just a chemical reaction in your brain. Yes boring old biology. But that is what produces the emotion you feel. Its not sexy but it is how it works. There are 2 primary components to the emotion humans generally consider real love. That is attraction emotion which is the spark that brings people together. It burns brightest at first but slowly fades. The second is attachment - its what keeps people together. It is the slow burn and it grows stronger over time. The drugs your brain produces that creates the attraction emotion are Dopamine and Serotonin. They have an effect on the brain similar to taking the drugs cocaine and ectasy. (I can vouch for this I love everyone when I take ecstasy.... seriously when you are on it, it mimics the emotion really closely with complete stranger you have just met).

 

This is the emotion that normally fades when women say they fall out of love. Really its normal to fade though - the attraction circuit is wired for new stimuli. The brain is actually designed so that it doesn't last. Many people are basically addicted to this feeling. When it fades with one partner .... they go seeking it elsewhere with a new one. Basically like a drug addict looking for another fix. I think thats really what it was designed for. To force people to mate with more then one person. Biologically speaking all evidence shows that the "feeling" of love in humans was not designed to last forever. Very unromantic when you look at it like that. That feeling that your brain is "missing" when you fall out of love is basically a hit of crack Food for thought.

 

I like to think "real love" is between those couples who find away to make it last even in spite of the fact it is not meant to. Overcoming there own human biology, urges, feelings and all the other random **** life throws at us to make it last.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201208/falling-in-love-is-smoking-crack-cocaine

Edited April 28, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[dichotomy]

I often read on forums like this that love is an action, not a feeling. I told my therapist about this, and she said she has never heard of that, nor does she understand it. If that is the case, then what's separates your spouse or your children from other people? So, of course it's a feeling. Yes, you can act in loving ways towards anybody. But that does not mean there is not a differentiation in your feelings between different people. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship and show love to somebody who you do not feel love for. Yes, feel. Just wanted to know what others thoughts are.

 

 

Hand your therapist the ground breaking book "The Road Less Traveled"

 

Some highlights: from “The Road Less Traveled,” by M. Scott Peck—

 

The experience of falling in love is invariably temporary. The essence of the phenomenon of falling in love is a sudden collapse of a section of an individual’s ego boundaries, permitting one to merge his or her identity with that of another person. The sudden release of oneself from oneself, the explosive pouring out of oneself into the beloved, and the dramatic surcease of loneliness accompanying this collapse of ego boundaries is experienced by most of us as ecstatic. We and our beloved are one! Loneliness is no more!

The experience of merging with the loved one has its echoes from the time when we were merged with our mothers in infancy. Along with the merging we also re-experience the sense of omnipotence which we had to give up in our journey out of childhood. All things seem possible! United with our beloved we feel we can conquer all obstacles. We believe that the strength of our love will cause the forces of opposition to melt away. The unreality of these feelings when we have fallen in love is essentially the same as the unreality of the two-year-old who feels itself to be with power unlimited.

Just as reality intrudes upon the two-year-old’s fantasy of omnipotence so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love. Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living, individual will reasserts itself. He wants to have sex, she doesn’t. She wants to go to the movies, he doesn’t. He wants to put money in the bank, she wants a dishwasher. She wants to talk about her job, he wants to talk about his. She doesn’t like his friends, he doesn’t like hers. So both of them, in the privacy of their hearts, begin to come to the sickening realization that they are not one with the beloved, that the beloved has and will continue to have his or her own desires, tastes, prejudices and timing different from their own. One by one, gradually or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back into place; gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love. Once again they are two separate individuals.

At this point they begin either to dissolve the ties of their relationship or to initiate the work of real loving.

 

By my use of the word “real” I am implying that the perception that we are loving when we fall in love is a false perception—that our subjective sense of being loving is an illusion. Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t particularly feel loving or particularly even feel like we like the person at the moment.

 

 

“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'.”

[Robert Z]

By my use of the word “real” I am implying that the perception that we are loving when we fall in love is a false perception—that our subjective sense of being loving is an illusion. Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don’t particularly feel loving or particularly even feel like we like the person at the moment.

 

Then I must have loved the old lady next door when I mowed her yard, or the woman I gave a ride whose car had broken down in the rain.

 

 

By that definition, any selfless act is an act of love. And there is no way to differentiate between a bum on the street to whom you might show a kindness even if you don't feel like it, and the most cherished people in your life.

 

“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'.”

 

This kind of thing drives me nuts. It attempts to reduce love to duty and commitment, which we often feel for people we don't pretend to love. Love is a feeling. Action will follow if the feeling is genuine. But love cannot be reduced to an action.

 

To use an unfortunate analogy, if I burn my hand I will respond. But the action is not the burn. The burn is the feeling and the effect it has on us. Were it not for that the action wouldn't matter.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Robert Z

[dichotomy]

RobertZ

 

and to all the cheaters that have said they still felt love for their BS?

 

This feeling thing drives me nuts - as does saying the words I love you

 

Show me love or the rest is meaningless.

 

To me - Love is sacrifice, it is putting someone else's needs above your own.

 

And yes you did show the old woman love by mowing her lawn, but then we can discuss different types of love - using Greek terms - agape, etc.

 

Another example - if you have kids, particular if they have a rough preteen or teen/young adult years. I can tell you with my oldest screaming obscenities, cops involved, saying some hateful things - I lost some "feelings of love" - in fact I was filled with feelings of the opposite... but what did we do as parents? - we showed love, gave it, sacrificed , even when we did not feel like it. So then we can move to the concept of unconditional love - which truly involves grace.

 

 

But everyone has there own definition of love...I guess find some one who shares your definition is the best idea.

Edited April 29, 2015 by dichotomy

[amaysngrace]

Love is a choice.

[dichotomy]

Love is a choice.

 

 

That about sums it up.

[misty12]

There are many definitions of love. To tell people it's not a feeling is ridiculous.

 

As far as feeling love being a chemical reaction, what isn't a chemical reaction? The desire to give birth to, care for and nurture children is a chemical reaction. So is the pleasure derived from doing things we enjoy. Doesn't mean it's not real or should not be acted upon.

[Robert Z]

RobertZ

 

and to all the cheaters that have said they still felt love for their BS?

 

 

To be clear, I never cheated. Were you insinuating that I did? If so, why?

 

This feeling thing drives me nuts - as does saying the words I love you

 

Show me love or the rest is meaningless.

 

 

Show me pain. Show me happiness. Show me inspiration.

 

To me - Love is sacrifice, it is putting someone else's needs above your own.

 

 

You have it backwards. Sacrifice can be a form of love. But love isn't a requirement. And you can love someone without ever having to sacrifice. So love is not sacrifice. Simple logic.

 

And yes you did show the old woman love by mowing her lawn, but then we can discuss different types of love - using Greek terms - agape, etc.

 

 

Well I didn't love her. I didn't even like her.

 

Another example - if you have kids, particular if they have a rough preteen or teen/young adult years. I can tell you with my oldest screaming obscenities, cops involved, saying some hateful things - I lost some "feelings of love" - in fact I was filled with feelings of the opposite... but what did we do as parents? - we showed love, gave it, sacrificed , even when we did not feel like it. So then we can move to the concept of unconditional love - which truly involves grace.

 

 

When you love someone you commit yourself. But if they did something so terrible that you never felt love for that child again, how could you say you love them? You are talking about duty.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Love is a choice.

 

So you didn't fall in love with your husband, you chose him and decided to love him? By what criteria did you choose?

[Robert Z]

There are many definitions of love. To tell people it's not a feeling is ridiculous.

 

As far as feeling love being a chemical reaction, what isn't a chemical reaction? The desire to give birth to, care for and nurture children is a chemical reaction. So is the pleasure derived from doing things we enjoy. Doesn't mean it's not real or should not be acted upon.

 

And therein lies the key: Is love real? Our friends here say not; it is just a practical choice. But I have enough of a spiritual side to believe that love might be real - a force of nature. It is certainly the most powerful experience I have ever had. If it isn't real then nothing is.

 

 

I think the problem comes when we try to define what love should be.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Is it love if you never feel love?

 

 

As for the neurochemicals associated with love and infatuation, the logic is that love does not exist; that it is just chemistry.

 

Though chocolate is known for its ability to increase levels of the calming neurotransmitter serotonin, it also contains small amounts of a compound called phenylethylamine, which acts like an amphetamine, stimulating your brain cells to release dopamine. Tyramine, a compound in chocolate that is derived from the amino acid tyrosine, has similar dopamine-promoting effects. These substances may be more concentrated in white chocolate, which increases dopamine levels significantly more than dark chocolate, according to Rodolfo Paoletti, coeditor of the book "Chocolate and Health."

Chocolate & Dopamine | Healthy Eating | SF Gate

 

By the logic applied to feelings of love, chocolate does not exist.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Robert Z

[casey.lives]

Love comes to life when you share it. it is inactive if it remains a self-gratifying feeling. At that state, it would be described as excitement/ anticipation/ joy/ longing, which are all feelings.

 

 

The highest indicator of love is a form of sacrifice; The lowest indicator of love is a smile. How many people do you smile at?? And how many people do you drive hours for, risk being late at work for, just to give the one you love bus fare???

Edited April 29, 2015 by casey.lives

[dichotomy]

To be clear, I never cheated. Were you insinuating that I did? If so, why?

 

I tired to post edit this right after I read it to be more clear that I was not saying you cheated. I know your back story, we have talked about it. You endured much in your first marriage. Appoligies to you or anyone reading this if they inferred this. What I was trying to say was about cheaters who claim to love their BS - to having feelings of love - while banging some other person. Cheating is an unloving act.

 

 

Show me pain. Show me happiness. Show me inspiration.

 

Yes, in the context of a marriage or LTR - this is showing me love.

 

 

 

 

You have it backwards. Sacrifice can be a form of love. But love isn't a requirement. And you can love someone without ever having to sacrifice. So love is not sacrifice. Simple logic.

 

I simply disagree. If there is no sacrifice, I don't see love - at least not in-terms of a significant other type of love.

 

Well I didn't love her. I didn't even like her.

 

(Lack of feelings of love) .. so it has been from time to time with my wife, and even my oldest child (during her teen years).I didn't even like them at times - in fact I felt some rather unplesant feelings - but I made the choice to continue loving.

 

 

When you love someone you commit yourself. But if they did something so terrible that you never felt love for that child again, how could you say you love them? You are talking about duty.

 

Now we move to ... the love of a child. Which to me is the closest form of unconditional love I know. I have had times with my oldest (during teen years) where she was terrible - horrible - and despite my lack of feelings of love - I made the choice to act loving. Nothing would stop the act of me loving my child - nothing they could do would stop me acting in love. But my feelings have fluctuated.

 

I would say this would not be the case with a Significant other.

 

 

 

 

Some responses above.

 

When my daughters ask me about love (and marriage) I also tell them to not focus on weather a boy says they "feel love for them" and talk to them about what he does for them - how he treats them, how he behaves compared to other girls, in other words how loving he ...acts... to them. Often many of the posts here (on marriage or relationships and love) ultimately come down to a dissection of the actions of the partner as tests for love. I don't see people asking "well does he/she say they feel love for you?"

Edited April 29, 2015 by dichotomy

[amaysngrace]

So you didn't fall in love with your husband, you chose him and decided to love him? By what criteria did you choose?

 

Not very high I'm sorry to say. He's my ex-husband for a reason.