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She does not want kids


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After a year and a half of dating, I finally worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted a family. I had avoided it because I felt that if she didn't agree with me on this one, it could be a deal killer. Yet she is so beautiful and she loves me so much and all that, and she definitely wants to marry me.

 

She said she'd want to adopt a child, since there are so many poor children in the world. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I want one of my own. Adoption would be possible, sure, after at lease one (hopefully more) of my own. I'm a pretty flexible person, but this is something that I've always wanted.

 

To add to this, she does not want to live in this country long term, and would rather live in a third world country, since she does humanitarian work. I am not completely opposed to this, but I would rather remain in the US, where I have a decent career.

 

I do not want to end this. I'm 31 now, and most of my friends already have families. I do not want to be single again. I found this website after my last relationship ended, which was devastating. I really don't want to repeat that.

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How old are you guys?

 

I'm guessing early 20s...

 

Because by 30, *everything* will be different.

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Well then the ball's in your court.

 

However, it seems to me that, on the child front at least, she's thinking with her head, and you're thinking with your heart.

 

I completely agree with her on the 'child' thing.

I believe adoption is a better option in this day and age, and she has her priorities with regard to 'bringing another child into this world'.

 

She has proposed good reasons, I'm sure for opting for adoption. They're well thought-out, logical, sensible and compassionate.

 

You need to find similarly well thought-out, logical, sensible and compassionate reasons for wanting your own child. (Hint: it's not possible....)

 

As for living in a country where humanitarian aid is required, I think she could be more flexible in that first of all, picking up sticks and moving stumps, is not always easy; Political situations abroad, in such countries, can change in a flash, and one can find one's self in some dangerous situations.

Adapting to living in such places and climates is a difficulty which may be surmountable, but if the country of her choosing (let's just say) begins to find its feet and humanitarian matters and conditions improve to the extent that aid and support will be less necessary - will she then want to move again, to ANOTHER country needing aid?

 

Better to locate somewhere whence she can travel and move, to offer help when and where needed, rather than disrupt her life completely, change her habitat and lifestyle drastically and possibly endanger herself, you and your 'child' (be that as it may....)

 

So I think you have some deal-breakers to tackle and discuss, because while I think 'compromise' can be a dirty word, I think in this case, it's important to thrash something out now....

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I'm 31, she's 26. One more thing - she didn't flat out say she didn't want kids of her own at all. She said she preferred to adopt and was indifferent to the idea of having them herself.

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I went though kids/no kids issue in my first marriage. Having kids was going to present some challenges and my wife at the time was not really into kids and I loved her - so I married her and and pushed it off. It was a mistake.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a kid of your own, in fact I would say this is more important to men - genetic legacy.

 

I know - really know - you dont want to be single again at 31. I ended up single at 38 and had to kinda rush to have kids and it had some consequences.

 

31 is not too bad. I figure you could find several choices in women who in their 30's would be finally ready for kids too. Very common for women to want to push off kids till thirties. My guess is by 33/34 you will be engaged and by 35 have a kid. You can do it.

 

Your younger GF who is 26 wants to travel the 3rd world and adopt kids, very commendable....and very youthful. I suspect by her 30's she will have different goals.

 

In any case, trust me - there are other women out there. Bring up kids right away when you date. In a few years you will have what you want - a nice place in the U.S., good career, wife, and a few kids - chase your dream.

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compulsivedancer

As a guy, you're lucky because you can have kids as late as you wish. So if you love this girl and want to share her dreams, that's an option for you.

 

However, it sounds like you don't really share her dreams. In that case, I would set her free and find someone that you can be truly with, and that can be happy with the life you have to offer her.

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You're only 31 and acting like you're a woman with her biological clock ticking...

 

Better to call this one off rather than make a long-term mistake, IMO

 

Next time don't wait till the 1 1/2 year mark to see how they feel about kids. I mean, my fav podcaster advocates taking 1 1/2 to 2 years to "date" someone to figure out if they're a match. Well, your 1 1/2 years is up and you figured out she's not a match...sucks, but maybe it's time to move on.

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She said she'd want to adopt a child, since there are so many poor children in the world. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I want one of my own. Adoption would be possible, sure, after at lease one (hopefully more) of my own. I'm a pretty flexible person, but this is something that I've always wanted.

Don't even try to tell her the bolded part. You're not listening to her. She doesn't want to give birth. She has a global perspective of helping humanity (adopting kids who need parents; working abroad). Go find someone else wants the same thing you want. Don't try to talk her out of her dreams. It will only backfire.

 

There is no guarantee that you or your future partner can produce your own offspring in the future. What you do have right now is someone amazing with whom you can see a happy future. That right there is one in a million. Remember how miserable you were last breakup? This time it's going to be much worse than that knowing you had a chance to make it work. Ten years from now it could be a haunting regret.

 

Be willing to give up your good job in the US. You'll find another one abroad. May not pay as much or have all the perks, but your girlfriend (hopefully fiance/wife) will be worth it.

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After a year and a half of dating, I finally worked up the courage to ask her if she wanted a family. I had avoided it because I felt that if she didn't agree with me on this one, it could be a deal killer. Yet she is so beautiful and she loves me so much and all that, and she definitely wants to marry me.

 

She said she'd want to adopt a child, since there are so many poor children in the world. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I want one of my own. Adoption would be possible, sure, after at lease one (hopefully more) of my own. I'm a pretty flexible person, but this is something that I've always wanted.

 

To add to this, she does not want to live in this country long term, and would rather live in a third world country, since she does humanitarian work. I am not completely opposed to this, but I would rather remain in the US, where I have a decent career.

 

I do not want to end this. I'm 31 now, and most of my friends already have families. I do not want to be single again. I found this website after my last relationship ended, which was devastating. I really don't want to repeat that.

 

Just curious! Have you ever expressed how important it is to you to have your own children? If so what was her rely?

 

 

Moving to a different country! Do you feel you would enjoy life with her no matter where you lived? I had read one of your threads talking about moving to Vietnam. Do you see yourself having difficulty adapting to different cultures? What compromises would be available if you chose not to move to a different country?

 

 

One of your other threads that you have posted you shared concern about finances, or income earned. Could you live in a countries where many comforts that U.S. has will be non existent in other countries? Would you be able to find a job that relates to your current job that allows you to live in different countries? Can you use your interest in writing to provide you income?

 

 

What drives you more about your relationship. The fact that you don't want to fall to far behind your friends in building a family. The fact that you really don't want to be single again. Or the fact that you really love this girl and are willing to take risks to hold onto a relationship you value. I mean do you feel she would make sacrifices for you? It seems you have the opportunity to pursue quite an eventful love life. That would provide you with a family rich in new cultural experiences. You have said she want's to adopt and is not against having her own children as far as you know or expressed here on thread.

 

 

You have very interesting choices to make to say the least!

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Given that money and kids are generally the two most important areas of contention in a marriage, IMO this is a walk down the road of incompatibility. You want children with your DNA in them. She wants to adopt. Your career is important to you. She's happy doing humanitarian work in poor countries.

 

I'd move on but, then again, I'm an old fart who's been married. With youth, hope springs eternal.

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2.50 a gallon

I have known many women, who in their 20's were adamant that they never wanted to have kids, that they wanted to have a career and see the world.

Almost everyone of them, once they hit their mid 30's, did a complete turn around and their new credo was "I want to have a baby!"

This was made worse by the knowledge that somewhere in the past, they let go the man they now wanted to be the father of their children. Made even more worse, in that most of the available men their age, are divorced and already paying child support and are not interested in having any more.

Myself, even though after my divorce, I swore off marriage, I began a relationship with a great gal who was still not yet 30. She had a very successful career, and had no interest in having kids. For the first couple of years, deep inside I still wanted to have kids myself, and I did see her as a possible mother. At about age 45, I gave up on the idea of fatherhood, after all I would be retired before they reached the age of 21.

At about that same time, the gal I was seeing, changed her mind, and now badly wanted to have my babies.

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You two have two very different ideologies RIGHT NOW.

 

Are you willing to gamble on the chance she might come to YOUR side of the spectrum in about 5 years?

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For many years I moderated a childfree forum for people who chose not to have kids, and I can tell you not to assume she'll change her mind. Most of those people know they don't want to have them from when they're children.

 

Her goals do not line up with yours overall. She wants to do humanitarian work and you really shouldn't be dragging children into third-world countries and making them nomads. Kids need to be in one place and in school. So my guess is she is not in any hurry to adopt either. She probably envisions herself doing the work for many years and then bringing an adopted child or two back with her.

 

Yes, all her goals could change, but it would likely be years before they did and not until she'd tried to pursue this goal.

 

You simply aren't a good match. There may not be a good match for her until she is doing the work she feels called to do and meets someone who is also doing it, because if that is her true niche, then that is what will happen. At 26, she's not 19, so she probably does have some idea what she wants to do. It could change if she stumbles onto something different, of course, but you can't discount her feelings and her goals for herself and assume she should change to meet your goals. It's a wonderful thing when someone is unselfish enough to want to raise someone else's unfortunate child.

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End it now before you get into your mid-to late thirties+ and have an even more difficult time finding a childless woman who wants to have kids eventually but not before spending enough time together just the two of you.

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I went though kids/no kids issue in my first marriage. Having kids was going to present some challenges and my wife at the time was not really into kids and I loved her - so I married her and and pushed it off. It was a mistake.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a kid of your own, in fact I would say this is more important to men - genetic legacy.

 

I know - really know - you dont want to be single again at 31. I ended up single at 38 and had to kinda rush to have kids and it had some consequences.

 

31 is not too bad. I figure you could find several choices in women who in their 30's would be finally ready for kids too. Very common for women to want to push off kids till thirties. My guess is by 33/34 you will be engaged and by 35 have a kid. You can do it.

 

Your younger GF who is 26 wants to travel the 3rd world and adopt kids, very commendable....and very youthful. I suspect by her 30's she will have different goals.

 

In any case, trust me - there are other women out there. Bring up kids right away when you date. In a few years you will have what you want - a nice place in the U.S., good career, wife, and a few kids - chase your dream.

 

I agree with everything you've said, except it being more important for men to have kids. It was very important to me and no matter HOW MUCH I loved a man, I would never sacrifice having children. That would have been an instant dealbreaker. It's a legacy to me too. :)

 

OP

 

Let her know how important having your own child is to you. If she's not against it and she love, she'll agree. If she absolutely didn't want her own for whatever reason, then you need to think about it.

 

Don't sacrifice having your own biological children, because you'll regret it later on. When all your friends talk about kids and you see their development over the years, you will become resentful.

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Sorry but she sounds like the type that wants to dedicate her life to her work. She might have brought up adoption just because it sounds better than a no. You should have brought this topic up way sooner; and don't worry about your age, you don't have a biological clock to worry about.

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How old are you guys?

 

I'm guessing early 20s...

 

Because by 30, *everything* will be different.

 

Not necessarily. Some women want kids *less* as time goes by. Not every woman is baby crazy.

 

That being said, Op and gf at this point sound quite incompatible. Kids could become a major area of dispute. At least you know now instead of after marriage.

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