My girlfriend accuses me of looking at women

[morphed9]

My girlfriend and I have been having rather frequent arguments about whether I look at women.

 

I guess this stems from an incident at the beginning of the courtship - while talking to her one day, she saw that I had shifted my gaze away from her to somewhere else (how many of you stare at your significant other - or anyone else for that matter - at all times while talking to him/her?). She thought I was looking at a woman who was walking past and I denied that, and that resulted in a long argument in which she accused me of wanting to look at women and thirsting for them even when I'm in a relationship, and that I would never admit it.

 

Of course I won't admit it - I know I'm not the type who will fantasize about women/visit prostitutes etc and that I will only be faithful to one, and this is something I have always held even before I got into this relationship in the first place.

 

That particular incident was not brought up again, but subsequently she became very insecure and critical of my actions – every time she saw that I turned my head/turned my gaze and there happened to be someone standing there, she would question me and not listen to my explanation, be it that I was looking at something else or she happened to walk into my view etc.

 

Recently, she started criticizing me for even recognizing that the people around me were women.

 

Example:

She: Hey, you've got some scratches on your arm.

Me: Yeah. I knocked into some woman on the way here.

She: How did you know she was female? You looked at her?

Me: I don't have to look at her directly to know she's female.

She: You must have looked at her - otherwise you can't know she's female!

[insert long argument here]

 

Getting into arguments like these is very tiring and I want to understand what she's thinking and what I should do/tell her to make her feel more secure. If she wants me to not recognize gender, though, I don't know how I'm going to do it short of walking around blindfolded so that I don't even see people.

 

Any insights?

[alphamale]

Yes I have some insight here, I had a g/f like this about 10 yrs ago:

 

- You MUST put the kaibosh on this right NOW and not let it continue

- She is behaving very irrationally and shows extreme jealousy

- Everyone loves to look at beautiful things, including women

- People's eyes are naturally drawn to face and the opposite sex

- Women look at men just as much but don't get caught as much cause they do it in a subtle way

- Dude, the day you stop checkin' out good lookin' chix is they day you go in the grave!

 

 

My advice is to start doing and saying the exact same shyt to her and let her see how it feels. When you are out next time and she averts her gaze say to her "so...is he cute?!"

 

Keep on doing it until she stops harassing you. Another thing you can ask her is "So, you mean to tell me you have never checked out a good looking guy?". If she says "NO" then you know she is lying thru her teeth.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Based on what you wrote here, someone needs to change here. And it ain't you. She has to get her jealousy under control. Maybe you can sit her down and talk to her about it - and see if you two can pinpoint why it is she feels jealous and try to work on that. Always treat the cause, not the symptoms. If she is willing to try, and make an effort - then things can work out. If she refuses and insists on being that jealous, then you'll either have to deal with it and be more miserable than you are - or you can cut your losses and move on.

 

Either way, the problem is hers - not yours. There is nothing on the face of the earth you will be able to do to cure someone of jealousy. That person has to be willing to cure themselves. Good luck. Maybe you two can work it out.

[soccorsilly]

This is probably a deep seated thing for her and it might be best to break it off. My story is similar:

 

Was dating a girl (divorced) for almost a year, and then sly comments about who I was lunching with (I work in a female dominated intustry) who I was talking to, etc. She became convinced in her mind that I was looking for someone else and or cheating and it drove me nuts. I told her that if she had some proof or photos or somethign I would like to see them, and that shut her up for a while, but when I went to dinner with a neighbor and HIS kids, she went into the old questioning oh which neighbor? The one next door? Which one? The one to the right. Whick one? (meaning the male or female counterpart) Ridiculous.

 

So, we (I) brioke it off and although rough, it has been for the best. Afterwards, I found out from a mutual friend that in her marraige, she was so jealous of her husband possibly cheating that she (unbeknownst to him) negotiated the purchase of a house within eyesight of his work, and she quit her job to stay at home and watch him to be sure. I think he just freaked and they split.

 

But I feel lucky that it was caught by me now and not later. I am divorced and have said since my divorce--very selfishly I proudly admit--that life now is on MY terms. I am operating in my own little box of wants and desires and if someone fits in the box, there is plenty of room to share, but there is no way in hell I am bending over backwards to fit the mold of someone else's box.

 

Hope this helps!

 

John

[alphamale]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

I am divorced and have said since my divorce--very selfishly I proudly admit--that life now is on MY terms. I am operating in my own little box of wants and desires and if someone fits in the box, there is plenty of room to share, but there is no way in hell I am bending over backwards to fit the mold of someone else's box.

John

 

Dear Soccorsilly:

 

This is how a MAN should behave... women ALWAYS make themselves #1 and so should men.

 

The original poster needs to make this woman see how childish she is behaving. It also shows that she has little confidence in keeping him around because she is always worried that he is looking at other women. So what if he is.... everyone looks at other members of the opposite sex (or same sex if gay) they are attracted to and it is a fact of life. It does not mean they're going to ask em out or sleep with them. These women and men who worry about this shyt are very insecure.

[moimeme]

It seems that there are an awful lot of people suffering from pathological jealousy/insecurity. I think someone who is as afflicted by this as your gf seems to be will only respond to therapy - I doubt that you can talk her out of her irrational beliefs.

 

How did you know she was female? You looked at her?

 

That kind of statement isn't childish; it's badly neurotic. If you are literally expected to never look at female humans, your gf has *major* problems. Hie her to a therapist ASAP or be prepared to give up on the relationship.