What do you think. Are cheating parents hypocrites?

[sandylee1]

I often read/hear about men and women who are or have been in affairs and, I just wonder how you try and teach your children right from wrong, when you are either lying /cheating on your spouse or are sleeping with a MM/MW or both.

 

Does something inside of you feel that you're not practising what you preach at times?

 

Is it just compartmentalisation that keeps you you going?

 

I know a WW whose teenage daughter will not give her mom the time of day since her affair was exposed. The OBS confronted her at her home and the daughter was there, hearing her mom being called every name going.

 

If the dd stays out past curfew, is on her phone too long or wears very short mini dresses and her mom says anything, all she's told is 'you have no right to tell me what to do anymore,' or 'listen to the cheating tart trying to be a mom'.

 

The OBS emailed all the parents in her daughters class to tell all, as the kids went to the same school. It's been nasty.

 

Once on the highway a crazy driver cut me off and I swore at him in rage. My DD was so upset and told me I always told her and her siblings not to swear and now l was doing it.

 

I just couldn't live with the lack of respect and how they'd see me as a hypocrit.

 

What do you think?

[Got it]

Parents make mistakes, that doesn't give children the right and luxury of being insubordinate. Why would it?

 

There are some things that we can do as adults, like cursing, that isn't granted to children and a child should be taught that.

 

I don't understand this need for exact parable between children and parents. Life isn't like that and until the child doesn't need the parent's support suck it up cupcake and deal with a little "do as I say not as I do".

[No Limit]

I can only give the perspective as the daughter of what is commonly called "feminazi" nowadays - not your typical situation but considering that movements' reach that might change the next few years.

 

My mother's personality consists of little more than anxieties. Judging from her background that's not much of a surprise - to this day she doesn't want to go our local car mechanic (and some other places she considers to be "men's business)) without a man by her side because she's too afraid that she won't be taken seriously or something, believing it will make her look more powerful or whatever... I can't figure that kind of thinking out at all I'm afraid.

 

So she was an easy target for some Italian MM who had taken a neighbour apartment due to work. At first I didn't care, I'd been used to meet the occasional new face at home 'cause my mother did try to find a "new daddy" for me from the time I was 5 - 7, without success, but I was never jealous or anything - and I was also busy enough since that was also the time when the psycho bullying at school started. But since this was an affair, it soon turned out to be completely different - she was truly obsessed. Started dressing like a 20 year old, would talk about him nonstop - it got annoying in no time, especially 'cause it didn't take me more than 2 seconds of first meeting him to dislike him. When my mother told me he was married that hatred peaked quickly, after all my father had been the same sort of cheating pig. She'd nonetheless continue to let him harass me, most of the time she'd park next to his car and he'd touch my face telling me to look at him and talk to him etc while she just giggled and later got mad at me for not liking him. Started talking how we'll move to Italy, or maybe me getting a brother or sister - looking back it's fascinating how she believed his wife would just transform into thin air and she would replace her. During this 'time of obession' I was also completely neglected, went to bed without dinner several times when she wanted to meet up with him, at one point I also didn't shower or bathe properly for 2 weeks because we had no shampoo left anymore and she was too busy to buy some.

By the way, affair sex must be pretty good - I listened to it almost daily in my room!

 

Ultimately whatever in her personality makes her uncapable of keeping a relationship alive let the affair die as well, but the terror didn't end for me. She was still furious very often, and I'd get the hits whenever something reminded her of her affair. Back then I was going to the cinema regularly, but she always came along because "a girl can't go out alone" (as in her anxieties took over). When I went to Highschool Musical 3 she complained pauselessly to me in the theater, how she didn't want to watch a romantic movie etc, until we eventually left. I didn't go to the cinema for 4 years after that and never again with her; when she asks these days I just find excuses not to go.

 

But due to her "feminazi" aspect she never tried being a rolemodel or telling me to be a good, honest partner someday. I was to be brainwashed as the next girl to use a guy as long as he's good and replace him - just like she did all her life. This is why I'm not particulary bitter about my bullying, it taught me to think critically and think myself. The basic characteristic Immanuel Kant imagined in a human being.

 

Honestly, I share the feeling of the girl you mention in your opening post. My resentment towards my mother borders on hatred, perhaps because I'm still not quite used to being "emotionally orphaned", but mostly because she fed me to the wolves (I made a great target in unwashed clothing and dirty hair and everything to my bullies! Not to mention the humiliation from strangers gossiping in town since we live in a rural area...) and still dared to be angry at me and constantly tense for months. But she's everything but stable, so I'll play along and continue the act of good daughter for as long as I financially depend on her. Now please hold your tomatoes and "little bitch, you're just using her" cries, I'll pay for her needs as good as I can, she might even be able to quit working altogether if everything goes 'according to plan'. I just hope I can cease contact once I move out into my own self-financed home.

 

 

tl;dr -- Wayward parents teach their own moral values to their kids. Or none at all, if they even care about their kids, that is. I'm sorry in case I got a few divorced fathers enraged from reading about my experiences.

 

 

It's funny you posted this now. My resentments have caused me to become moody the past few days and I've been snapping at my mother, which is definitely not normal behavior for me. Two days ago while driving we also somehow got onto the topic of infidelity and while I expressed my disgust she was completely and irregularly silent until I quickly changed the subject; almost betrayed my pokerface there.

Edited April 24, 2015 by No Limit

[Quiet Storm]

Most cheaters lie to themselves. So even though they are cheating, most have all these justifications and rationalizations in their minds to make it OK. They minimize the effects it will have on their home life and their children. It's kind of the same mindset as an addict. Addicts avoid thinking about the damage they are doing because they are high. Whether high off the affair or high from drugs, the bottom line is the cheater/addict feels too good to concern themselves with such trivial matters like a family member's pain.

 

They want to escape any negativity. They want to feel good. Thinking "I'm such a hypocrite" or "What am I doing to my kids?" brings up feelings they do not want to feel. They are in a very self centered state of mind- their feelings are their top priority. If they feel sad, lonely, bored, uncomfortable... they seek relief. Since their feelings are #1, everyone else's feelings are minimized. So in your scenario of the teen with a cheating mom, Mom's probably thinking "She's just being a brat, why should she care that I cheated? It's none of her business. She's just being difficult and needs to get over it". Mom denies daughter's hurt & pain because her own feelings are always #1. That false sense of self must be protected, and it's more important than acknowledging the pain she caused her daughter.

 

Here are some common lies to themselves

 

1) I deserve to be happy, I've always taken care of everyone, this is for me

2) My spouse does this to me ________, so what does he expect?

3) This should be no surprise, couldn't they tell I wasn't happy?

4) My kids want me to be happy, they'll understand

5) My kids are wrapped up in their own lives and won't care

6) My kids know I'm not really like this, this is out of character for me.

7) It's none of their business, this is between me & their father

8) I was depressed or vulnerable or lonely or starved for attention.

9) the feelings were so strong, I couldn't control them. I'm sorry.

 

Since they lie to themselves, I think they don't really consider themselves hypocrites. They mean it when they tell their kids not to lie, cheat or steal. But there is this dissonance happening where they genuinely believe that they are good person even though they are cheating. They push down the feelings of guilt & shame that surface. They push down thoughts of consequences and how it may affect their reputation, their relationships with their children, their career, etc.

 

Most don't see how it affected their kids until they are out of it. They think they are being a present parent, but when they look back they often realize they were preoccupied with their phone or they were holed up in their room sneaking calls, texting or crying. Even though they were in the home, their mind was elsewhere. They may be there, but are often investing their emotions elsewhere.

[sandylee1]

"do as I say not as I do".

 

I think most kids these days would question this. Gone are the days of children being seen and not heard.

 

Really it's much the same as the prosecuting judge in cases with kerb crawlers are soliciting prostitutes, then he does the same. The penalty is always more harsh including the loss of his job.

 

I'm absolutely not saying parents aren't human and don't make mistakes, but affairs are concious choices, especially when they go on for years. In the case of the girl I mentioned it was a 4 year LTA.

It's leading a double life, where deceit and lies are being told on a constant basis.

 

 

The OBS saw emails where the girl's mom, had said she was unwell and left her H to go places with their daughter and then she arranged to meet her AP. The OBSs husband had done similar things too.

 

So the dd also felt cheated and deceived by her mom. I personally would have felt bad saying all those things in front of the dd, but the OBS was not thinking that way. When the girl's father spoke to the OBS about the hurt his dd felt and the damage caused, she said talk to your wife, she's the one who was fu****g my husband for 3 years and didn't care about my kids for a minute.

 

Even if the dd didn't become rude to her mother, the loss of respect would always be there. We teach our children to respect their parents, but when the parent is exposed as a cheater, the respect is lost. It's on the parent to earn the respect back IMO.

[cocorico]

I often read/hear about men and women who are or have been in affairs and, I just wonder how you try and teach your children right from wrong, when you are either lying /cheating on your spouse or are sleeping with a MM/MW or both.

 

Does something inside of you feel that you're not practising what you preach at times?

 

Is it just compartmentalisation that keeps you you going?

 

I know a WW whose teenage daughter will not give her mom the time of day since her affair was exposed. The OBS confronted her at her home and the daughter was there, hearing her mom being called every name going.

 

If the dd stays out past curfew, is on her phone too long or wears very short mini dresses and her mom says anything, all she's told is 'you have no right to tell me what to do anymore,' or 'listen to the cheating tart trying to be a mom'.

 

The OBS emailed all the parents in her daughters class to tell all, as the kids went to the same school. It's been nasty.

 

Once on the highway a crazy driver cut me off and I swore at him in rage. My DD was so upset and told me I always told her and her siblings not to swear and now l was doing it.

 

I just couldn't live with the lack of respect and how they'd see me as a hypocrit.

 

What do you think?

 

I guess this is a generational thing.

 

I belong to a generation where we didn't just take what our parents said at face value. We knew they were flawed people and accepted that, and forged our own morals from multiple sources. We didn't vote the way our parents did, we voted the way our own conscience told us to vote, having been politically literate since primary school. We didn't blindly follow our parents' religion, we looked at the evidence and chose our own spiritual paths. We didn't accept our parents' choices as our own, we looked at options and made our own choices.

 

Sure, our parents were hypocrites. So were our teachers, our religious leaders, our political leaders, our neighbours, our entertainers. We didn't hold our parents to higher standards simply because we were the accidental product of their body fluids. We judged them as we judged everyone else, and made our own way in the world.

[minimariah]

just because someone is cheating on their spouse - it does not mean that they don't have ANY morals or values. adulterers know that cheating is wrong but they do it - because it's the best way they know how to cope with their current problems, they have their reasons.

 

a cheating & lying parent telling their children NOT to cheat & lie is actually not a hypocrisy at all. for example - my mother (a heavy smoker) telling me how i shouldn't smoke and how bad smoking is... that's not hypocrisy. that's her telling me not to repeat her mistakes because she knows how in the wrong she is.

 

children who view their parents as saints who never make any mistakes are usually very poorly "developed" & can't adapt to modern society, they take it HARD when someone disappoints them because they weren't taught to see the world through realistic glasses.

 

EVERYONE lies. your momma will tell you not to have sex, not to smoke, not to drink, not to stay out late... when she did all of the above in your age. that's not hypocrisy - that's her telling you to learn from her mistakes.

 

there is no such thing as a perfect parent. you'll absolutely never find a parent who will teach you values & morals that they already didn't break themselves - that's life.

[carhill]

What do you think. Are cheating parents hypocrites?

 

If they're actively in affair(s) and are holding their relationship out as an example of health and concurrently making statements to their children about infidelity being wrong then that would meet my criteria for hypocrisy.

 

Humans do a lot of things in life and, yup, some are socially unacceptable, some are illegal and some are even deadly. Yet, the overwhelming majority produce offspring which they launch into the future with variable results and, yup, some are socialized with hypocrisy. That's how life goes.

[autumnnight]

I think cheating parents are imperfect...like parents who are workaholics, parents who are too distracted, parents who hover and smother, parents who stay faithful but ignore each other, parents who scream at each other, parents who treat little league like the pros, parents who try to live through their kids.....

 

I think I made my point

[Gloria25]

There "are" people who have affairs and no one would know for years....

 

I think the people this thread allude to are people with an "IDF" (I don't give a f-) attitude...They are all about them - doesn't have to do with an affair.

 

I felt that way about my parents...Like No Limit's experience. My mum and sisters are far from femenists...they just wanted a man at any/all costs. They didn't put getting a man over us cuz it was "traditional" (in other words, fear of being in this world w/o a man), or some guy seduced them, or whatever....

 

They wanted a man at any/all costs cuz it was all about them...

 

While people who are selfish have existed for years, I think it is becoming more prevalent now a days. That's why I show great disdain for this "modern" society. Parents just wanna dump their kids off in daycare so they can go work and make money to buy stuff. All this "we need two incomes" is crap. Then don't have kids if you can't afford them - get a pet. Also, maybe if they got a cheaper home, car, and/or way of living they can live on one salary...I've seen people do it - even in this day/age.

 

The selfishness rolls over into how they feel about abortions. Like murderers/killers do - you turn your victim into an "object" so it's easier to kill them.

 

People now a days see kids as a nuisance...something they should of put down a sink long time ago. IMO, that's why you see those cases of people "forgetting" their kids in a hot car and have them baked to death. If you gave an f- about that kid (instead of reducing it to an object that should have been aborted), then you'd probably remember it was in the backseat of your car. I have freakin' dogs and NEVER forget when they are in the backseat of a hot car.

 

My fav podcaster, when people call in about bad marriages that she asks them to stick it out till the kids are 18...she advocates "just getting along". Look, we can go to work 8 hrs a day/40hrs a week and smile in people's faces we'd smash into the ground if given a chance....Yet, we do not want to just "get along" for the sake of our children not seeing mom/dad yell.

 

One guy I knew, his ultra-ballbuster femenazi of a wife, upon their divorce (and while the MM she was with still hadn't divorced), went to CHURCH with the MM and the guy's kids. Yes, people CHURCH....So, she had no shame in letting the world see she divorced her kids dad, was f-ing some MM behind his back, and now is toting the MM as if this is some honorable RL taking place. No shame, no shame.

 

So, again, parents now a days and even back in the day that do stupid things in front of their kids aren't hypocrites and should NOT be forgiven cuz "no one's perfect"...They are just selfish people who think the world revolves around them PERIOD.

Edited April 25, 2015 by Gloria25

[Quiet Storm]

Even though we know everyone has flaws and makes mistakes, when our parents selfish choices hurt us, or those that we love, it chips away at an important part of a parent/child relationship-respect.

 

I love both of my parents, but I have lost a lot of respect for them due to dealing with their flaws over the years, even though they weren't cheaters(that I know about anyway). My dad was an addict and alcoholic in the 80s, my mom a codependent. They are better now but still have their own individual issues. I empathize with them. I Iove them. I'll always be there for them. But the disappointments, the bad memories, seeing their dishonesty and weaknesses - made me lose respect for them. Logically knowing that everyone is flawed and no one is perfect doesn't restore my respect for them.

 

I want my kids to respect me, so when I make choices, I always have their well being in mind.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If my parents ever cheated...quite frankly it is none of my business. I don't ask them what transpired between them. They were good parents who did the very best they could do. Did they make mistakes...yes.

 

I cheated....my children don't ask me about. Even though I cheated...I am still a moral person. I still know right from wrong. I was still a good parent. I still did the best I could do. I made mistakes in parenting...that has absolutely nothing to do with my affair.

 

So are cheating parents hypocrites? No..

We teach our children not to lie...yet we all have lied at some point in our lives.

W teach our children not to cheat...yet we all have cheated at some point in our lives.

All of us make mistakes...all of us sin...all of us. Teaching our children right from wrong even though we ourselves have sinned is not hypocritical. It is human.

[truncated]

I think it's one thing for a parent who cheats and, should they choose to talk to their children about it, say that " I cheated, it was hurtful to your mom/ dad and it was wrong. I'm sorry", but quite another to be actively cheating or to be a serial cheater.

 

In the first instance, one accepts responsibility for their mistakes and poor choices, which is a good life lesson. In the other, they rationalize and are dishonest, which is a terrible lesson to teach.

[sandylee1]

 

It's funny you posted this now. My resentments have caused me to become moody the past few days and I've been snapping at my mother, which is definitely not normal behavior for me. Two days ago while driving we also somehow got onto the topic of infidelity and while I expressed my disgust she was completely and irregularly silent until I quickly changed the subject; almost betrayed my pokerface there.

 

 

Nolimit,

 

It seems you've had it rough. Sorry you had part of your childhood having to deal with what you did. I always wondered why your posts sometimes sound so direct and with a zero tolerance response. I can see where that comes from.

[MrNate 2.0]

Well, one thing you have to remember is that for most adults, they're nothing more than children in bigger bodies with more responsibilities.

 

So to expect perfection is rather silly.

 

However, I am also one who believes in practicing what you preach. If you don't practice it, you probably shouldn't preach it.

 

And yes, if you preach something you aren't practicing, your credibility is rather nonexistent.

 

Your children are a reflection of you. Want them to do something/act a certain way? You'd best be doing it yourself. Because they're always watching you.

 

More than you know.

[sandylee1]

Indeed, most cheaters or APs know it's wrong, but some single OM/OW don't think it's wrong because they aren't breaking vows. If you fundamentally don't view it as wrong, then your kids will surely think it's okay.

 

I'm a parent and I'm by no means perfect, but personally if I tell my kids not to do something because it's wrong, then I feel I ought to lead by example. What kind of role model would i be otherwise.

 

A lot of my behaviours developed from what I saw from my mother. I know a lot of how she dealt with things was wrong. As I grew up I recognised her hot temper was very unhealthy, but she never told me not to do things that she didn't. She was and is very clean and tidy and always told me to be. Unfortunately, I'm not anything close to her standards in that area, but I find when I tell my kids to keep tidy, I feel somewhat hypocritical because my own stuff is a mess. I feel bad about this, so I can't imagine being in an affair, with the constant lies.

 

I think when it comes to addictions like alcohol, drugs and cigarettes it's different. You know these are wrong in excess, but it's an addiction, not something you can easily stop and for the sake of your child's health, you wouldn't want them becoming addicted.

 

I don't like my kids eating too much candy, but I do myself. I consider that I do have an addiction to it, which I don't want them to develop, but this is different, because I'm not being dishonest to anyone. I'm not lying about it. It doesn't make my children loose respect for me or view me as a hypocrit.

 

It's one thing saying you don't want your kids to make the same mistakes you do, but being in affairs that go on for years isn't a mistake. A brief affair thst ended because you felt guilty is different.

 

How do you tell your dd, that your a good person after cheating on her dad, with another woman's husband? That you missed spending time with her, because you were having sex with this MM? That's not a good parent at all.

 

I really don't think it's possible, because you've shown your ability to live a double life, why should dd believe anything you say. The marriage wasn't a bad one. No abuse, good sex life, nothing to complain about by the WW own admission. Their relationship is damaged, probably forever.

[No Limit]

Nolimit,

 

It seems you've had it rough. Sorry you had part of your childhood having to deal with what you did. I always wondered why your posts sometimes sound so direct and with a zero tolerance response. I can see where that comes from.

 

Considering how many predators there are out there I'm actually glad I learned early. Sometimes I just wonder what it had been like if my mom had learned too, but she's now approaching her 50s and I dare write she's never made it out of her teens mentally.

But things are how they are, and I rather enter the battlefield out there with arms, metaphorically speaking.

[toolforgrowth]

Are cheating parents hypocrites? Short answer: yes.

[autumnnight]

If my parents ever cheated...quite frankly it is none of my business. I don't ask them what transpired between them. They were good parents who did the very best they could do. Did they make mistakes...yes.

 

I cheated....my children don't ask me about. Even though I cheated...I am still a moral person. I still know right from wrong. I was still a good parent. I still did the best I could do. I made mistakes in parenting...that has absolutely nothing to do with my affair.

 

So are cheating parents hypocrites? No..

We teach our children not to lie...yet we all have lied at some point in our lives.

W teach our children not to cheat...yet we all have cheated at some point in our lives.

All of us make mistakes...all of us sin...all of us. Teaching our children right from wrong even though we ourselves have sinned is not hypocritical. It is human.

 

And to this I say a hearty Amen. I have had my fill of adultery apparently being the only one in the Bible.

[toolforgrowth]

And to this I say a hearty Amen. I have had my fill of adultery apparently being the only one in the Bible.

 

From a strictly social aspect and taking religion completely out of the equation (I'm an atheist), I go by how severe the consequences are of the action committed. If I had asked my xWW if she had filled the car up with gas, and she said yes when in fact she hadn't, that would cause a minor irritant that would be easily solved (simply go to the gas station).

 

But the actions of her affair totally blew up my family. This was three years ago, and the last week I had my daughter (about ten days ago) we were riding a quad around the farmland by my house, and my 7 year old says: "Daddy, it's sad that you and Mommy don't love each other anymore."

 

Three years later, and my little girl is still feeling the effects of what her mother did. And she'll continue to feel it the rest of her life.

 

To me, it's like comparing a grape to a watermelon. You'll barely notice the grape if it falls on your head. But the watermelon could potentially kill you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

if an affair destroyed the family...then you are dealing with a different topic than the original question posted here.

 

Of course the question also says CHEATING parents...so maybe if a parent is still cheating it is hypocritical rather than if a parent...cheated...past tense.

 

In my case...my children were small...my affair very brief...and our family remained in tact.

Therefore...we are not hypocrites. We are committed, loving parents and grandparents who have persevered infidelity.

It can and does happen....probably more often than any of us realize.

 

I have never asked my parents....did either of you cheat....it doesn't matter to me if they did or didn't.

[sandylee1]

Well, one thing you have to remember is that for most adults, they're nothing more than children in bigger bodies with more responsibilities.

 

So to expect perfection is rather silly.

 

 

Perfection is impossible. I wasn't saying this at all.

[sandylee1]

But the actions of her affair totally blew up my family. This was three years ago, and the last week I had my daughter (about ten days ago) we were riding a quad around the farmland by my house, and my 7 year old says: "Daddy, it's sad that you and Mommy don't love each other anymore."

 

Three years later, and my little girl is still feeling the effects of what her mother did. And she'll continue to feel it the rest of her life.

 

To me, it's like comparing a grape to a watermelon. You'll barely notice the grape if it falls on your head. But the watermelon could potentially kill you.

 

I totally agree with this. The actions of the lies and dishonesty associated with an affair, can tear up your family and affect your children. Jeopardising their home and having the comfort and stability of two parents on a daily basis really shows very poor judgement.

 

My first post wasn't saying that cheating parents are not good parents or that you shouldn't teach your children the right thing, because you're doing wrong, it was more whether within yourself, in your concious a cheater /AP, you would sometimes think 'gosh I'm telling dd/ds not to be honest, yet here I am cheating on my spouse or lying and sleeping with a MM or MW '

 

I wonder how a parent wouldn't feel like they were a hypocrit, in that situation. It's not about saying we are all sinners or we all make mistakes. A LTA is not a mistake at all IMO. It's the continued deception over years and years.

 

There are situations were I actually understand why an affair came to be. Not that it's right, but I understand and I empathise.

[sandylee1]

There "are" people who have affairs and no one would know for years....

 

One guy I knew, his ultra-ballbuster femenazi of a wife, upon their divorce (and while the MM she was with still hadn't divorced), went to CHURCH with the MM and the guy's kids. Yes, people CHURCH....So, she had no shame in letting the world see she divorced her kids dad, was f-ing some MM behind his back, and now is toting the MM as if this is some honorable RL taking place. No shame, no shame.

 

WOW. THIS IS TOTAL HYPOCRISY.

 

So, again, parents now a days and even back in the day that do stupid things in front of their kids aren't hypocrites and should NOT be forgiven cuz "no one's perfect"...They are just selfish people who think the world revolves around them PERIOD.

 

So much truth in what you say Gloria. There is a lot of selfish behaviour where parents don't consider the fallout of their actions, but that's a whole other topic indeed.

[MuddyFootprints]

Our goal was to raise our kids to be free thinkers.

 

They have their own opinions about our marriage and parenting skills and have no problem expressing their feelings.

 

They know what is true and right to them.

 

I don't feel like a hypocrite. I feel real.