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Wife needs to stop bringing this up


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Old 24th April 2015, 12:22 AM   #1
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Wife needs to stop bringing this up

As soon as our daughter was born, she started treating me like I was an entry-level employee. SHE was the one who wanted a baby. I already have a teenager from my first marriage, and didn't want more kids. The baby is 9 months now, and things have gotten better, but the wife still occasionally brings up how bad things got between us right after our baby was born.

She needs to quit bringing it up. It pisses me off, because she won't admit that she started treating me a lot worse. The only way to get her to back down is to threaten to leave her, or something like that. Nothing else works with her. She's too stubborn and rigid.
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Old 24th April 2015, 1:56 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by Wife is dumb View Post
As soon as our daughter was born, she started treating me like I was an entry-level employee. SHE was the one who wanted a baby. I already have a teenager from my first marriage, and didn't want more kids. The baby is 9 months now, and things have gotten better, but the wife still occasionally brings up how bad things got between us right after our baby was born.

She needs to quit bringing it up. It pisses me off, because she won't admit that she started treating me a lot worse. The only way to get her to back down is to threaten to leave her, or something like that. Nothing else works with her. She's too stubborn and rigid.
Blah ha ha.

Are you effing serious?

Poor woman. She has two little kids to contend with and no husband.

So she tells you how she's feeling and "to get it to stop" you threaten to leave her because "it pisses you off."

Conflict-management at it's finest.

Ever think of reassuring her? Telling her that you love her and that you are very sorry that the distance happened between the two of you?

Asking her what she might need to feel better before leaving YOUR DUMB ASS?

You have completely set yourself up to either be an abusive husband (the threat to leave thing to "shut her up" is emotional abuse, bravo there Superstar!) and/or she will end up leaving you because you clearly don't give two ****s about how this affected her.

My suggestion overall: pull your head from your arse, try to ask what she needs help with. Then after she tells you, ask her if there is more.

Then apologize for threatening to leave her. You know, like a total jackass who leaves his wife with a 9 month old baby, and actually commit to being a husband and father.

And "she" might have wanted the baby. And maybe your "Wife is dumb" (she had a baby with a real childish man after all. But I am pretty sure that your poor, tortured soul knew what happened when a penis went inside a vagina, so stop acting like she picked up the kid from the stork one afternoon and you had nothing to do with the decision.

Sheesh. Some people.
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Old 24th April 2015, 2:07 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Wife is dumb View Post
As soon as our daughter was born, she started treating me like I was an entry-level employee. SHE was the one who wanted a baby. I already have a teenager from my first marriage, and didn't want more kids. The baby is 9 months now, and things have gotten better, but the wife still occasionally brings up how bad things got between us right after our baby was born.

She needs to quit bringing it up. It pisses me off, because she won't admit that she started treating me a lot worse. The only way to get her to back down is to threaten to leave her, or something like that. Nothing else works with her. She's too stubborn and rigid.
I have to ask, how did she start "treating you like an entry-level employee?"

It seems like a power struggle right from the get-go.

Rarely do we see on here someone so blatantly attack their spouse's character in an attempt to get help on how to deal with their spouse. Unless it's a rant or something.

I mean, in the space of a few paragraphs you basically said,

-she's dumb
-she treats you "like an entry-level employee." Whatever that means.
-she made a baby you didn't want when you already had a kid
-she brings up bad things and she needs to quit
-she pisses you off
-you "have to" threaten to leave her
-nothing else works with her
-she's stubborn
-she's rigid

You basically said "this evil, evil person lives in my house, forces things on me, I have no choice but to behave drastically and she's dumb."

This is the total mindset of an abuser. Where's the love at all?
Do you even LIKE this person?
Does she have (in your eyes) any redeeming qualities that you value at all?
Are you looking to make the relationship better? Foster mutual respect? Gain trust and build a future together?

Or were you looking for a cheerleading squad to say, "Oh hey man, that's a bunch of BS. Get out of there. Call her names on the way out."????

What kind of father do you want to be on top of it all?
The kind that calls the kid's mother "dumb?" Really?

You chose this. You chose her. You can chose not to threaten her etc. It doesn't mean that "she's in control of you."

Okay, marriages are supposed to be mutual not some "oh she's in charge and I'm beneath her OR I'm in charge and that's all there is to it."

You are supposed to make decision TOGETHER. MUTUAL. NOT, "do as I say, or I chuck you."

What caused the failure of your previous marriage?
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Old 24th April 2015, 3:34 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Wife is dumb View Post
As soon as our daughter was born, she started treating me like I was an entry-level employee. SHE was the one who wanted a baby. I already have a teenager from my first marriage, and didn't want more kids. The baby is 9 months now, and things have gotten better, but the wife still occasionally brings up how bad things got between us right after our baby was born.

She needs to quit bringing it up. It pisses me off, because she won't admit that she started treating me a lot worse. The only way to get her to back down is to threaten to leave her, or something like that. Nothing else works with her. She's too stubborn and rigid.
This is fairly common. Kids come along and the husband suddenly doesn't count for squat. And of course she wants to blame you. SOP.

It was almost amusing how my ex expected supreme understanding and consideration but I apparently deserved none. And then she tried to convince me that I'm the ahole. She was a classic control freak who felt completely entitled...apparently just because she's a woman. For your sake I hope you married a lot better than I did. I had to put a gun to my head before I finally had enough.

Last edited by Robert Z; 24th April 2015 at 3:44 AM..
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Old 24th April 2015, 7:49 AM   #5
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Feeling what you feel is one issue, but berating your wife in such a blatant fashion is another. Really? "Wife is dumb?" Very rarely do I blow people up, but you should be ashamed of yourself for that alone.

If things have really gotten that bad, maybe she's bringing it up in hopes that you will help her fix it. She can't do it by herself, and she obviously feels like things are bad enough where she feels the need to continuously bring it up. As for her treatment of you, yes... Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. That may be something she needs to work on. But your username is number one on the list of disrespectful things, I don't care if this is an anonymous forum or not.
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Old 24th April 2015, 9:04 AM   #6
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It sounds like you guys do not have healthy communication and conflict resolution skills potentially on both sides. Instead of trying to shut down the conversation have you two tried to understand the other person's side? Have you looked into marriage counseling?

I also don't agree with your line about her wanting the baby. Unless she raped you, you consented to it and need to own that. You shouldn't have a child if you didn't want one, that is grossly unfair to the kid and that gets expressed.
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Old 24th April 2015, 9:17 AM   #7
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I think you need to sit down, think of the isues in your relationship - from both her and your side - and sit her down as well. Sounds like it's been a long time that you two had an adult conversation.
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Old 24th April 2015, 11:08 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Wife is dumb View Post
As soon as our daughter was born, she started treating me like I was an entry-level employee. SHE was the one who wanted a baby. I already have a teenager from my first marriage, and didn't want more kids. The baby is 9 months now, and things have gotten better, but the wife still occasionally brings up how bad things got between us right after our baby was born.

She needs to quit bringing it up. It pisses me off, because she won't admit that she started treating me a lot worse. The only way to get her to back down is to threaten to leave her, or something like that. Nothing else works with her. She's too stubborn and rigid.
If this is a marriage that you want to make last, get to a marriage counselor ASAP.

I would even suggest individual counseling for both of you. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce and tried counseling. We both went individually every week as well as together once a week for a year.

It's not a miracle cure, you have to want things to work. The biggest thing my husband and I learned though was how to communicate better, which CLEARLY the two of you are lacking.

Your wife could very well be all those things that you mention in your post, but as another poster stated, YOU chose her, YOU chose to be married to her and believe it or not YOU chose to have a baby with her. MAN up. Get some help, get her some help, and learn how to communicate with each other before your relationship implodes.
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Old 24th April 2015, 11:24 AM   #9
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If some man was married to me and chose the screen name "wife is dumb," that would tell me everything I needed to know.

Are you at least pretending to love YOUR new child YOU helped create?
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Old 24th April 2015, 11:48 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Robert Z View Post
This is fairly common. Kids come along and the husband suddenly doesn't count for squat. And of course she wants to blame you. SOP.

It was almost amusing how my ex expected supreme understanding and consideration but I apparently deserved none. And then she tried to convince me that I'm the ahole. She was a classic control freak who felt completely entitled...apparently just because she's a woman. For your sake I hope you married a lot better than I did. I had to put a gun to my head before I finally had enough.
Um, did you read the OP or just do a gender-check?

Really Robert?

Change the genders on the OP. Really. Read "Husband is Dumb" and see if that raises any special concern for you.
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Old 24th April 2015, 12:06 PM   #11
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Um, did you read the OP or just do a gender-check?

Really Robert?

Change the genders on the OP. Really. Read "Husband is Dumb" and see if that raises any special concern for you.
Old news never surprises me, DOT.

Not all women cease to be wives when they have kids, and I don't think this one did. She just didn't choose a very nice husband.
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Old 24th April 2015, 12:20 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Wife is dumb View Post
As soon as our daughter was born, she started treating me like I was an entry-level employee. SHE was the one who wanted a baby. I already have a teenager from my first marriage, and didn't want more kids. The baby is 9 months now, and things have gotten better, but the wife still occasionally brings up how bad things got between us right after our baby was born.

She needs to quit bringing it up. It pisses me off, because she won't admit that she started treating me a lot worse. The only way to get her to back down is to threaten to leave her, or something like that. Nothing else works with her. She's too stubborn and rigid.
You sign up as Wife is dumb, which already denotes a condescending attitude on your part.

She wanted a baby but you didn't, yet you participated in procreating without using protection, hm, okay...

Things got bad right after the baby was born. I don't doubt there is truth in your statement. Some women experience post-baby blues. When a woman gets pregnant, there is a sudden influx of hormonal changes taking place. Then, when she gives birth, the body transitions yet again. Most women do really well and handle the changes like a champ, others not so much. It's not their fault, it's life.

I'm curious as to why you believe she treated you as an entry level employee? That implies she asked for help with things you consider beneath you. Do you feel you are above helping with household chores or running errands? That's not entry level employment tasks, that's a wife *thinking* she has a partner who would help her during a time of need. Relying and depending on you for support, how dare she!

How manly of you to threaten her with divorce because she brings up past issues. I suspect there are current issues and she's using the past to show a behavioral pattern, which offends you because what she's demonstrating is not only truthful but a hard pill to swallow.
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Old 24th April 2015, 12:23 PM   #13
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Sigh, another drive-by. However, good fodder for our gender bashing policy discussion based on the starting post and some of the responses from moderated members which are not visible to forum members. All really good information and we thank you for the topical responses. Thread closed.
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