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Question for people who have decided to stay single


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Am I wrong to assume that we have some people on the board who aren't married and have no serious GF/BF and are late 20's+.

 

If you fit the bill then is it because of choice? Do you feel awkward in social circles where all your friends are married or bring along their partners? How does it affect you financially? I am assuming you have all money for yourself and don't have to worry about taking risks in life. You are free to do whatever you want without worrying about what he/ she may think.

How lonely does it get sometimes?

Do you hate when people talk behind your back and wonder whats wrong with you? Also to those who have waited, how hard does it get to find a life partner late in life.

 

thanks

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Am I wrong to assume that we have some people on the board who aren't married and have no serious GF/BF and are late 20's+.

 

IME, there are plenty, and from a wide range of cultures.

 

If you fit the bill then is it because of choice?
I'm mid-50's now and have been married but was single throughout much of my 20's and 30's.

 

Do you feel awkward in social circles where all your friends are married or bring along their partners?

 

Personally, no I didn't feel awkward. Often, at parties I hosted at my country place, I was the only single person there. All my friends were married and most had children. Today, being divorced and single, that's still the case, though I haven't had a party here in quite some time. Friends are friends for other reasons than marital status.

How does it affect you financially? I am assuming you have all money for yourself and don't have to worry about taking risks in life. You are free to do whatever you want without worrying about what he/ she may think.

 

Other than the money-suck of getting a divorce, I see that aspect as relationship-neutral. As a single guy I spent a lot of money on dating because of the traditional 'men pay' customs in my demographic and generation. However, it was my choice to date and to pay. Getting married really didn't impact that freedom for myself or my spouse, as we each had our own incomes and choices financially. Whenever joint investments were made, we worked it out. I always viewed being married as caring what one's partner thinks. Otherwise, why be married?

 

How lonely does it get sometimes?

 

I was single and lived alone for about 15 years before getting married. Other than sincerely desiring a family and struggling with that aspect, which I don't equate with loneliness, life was good. On the other side, I think there was a period after we split where I did feel lonely but that had mostly resolved by the time the divorce was final. In the nearly five years since, I can't recall a marked period of loneliness. Perhaps momentary bits here and there but they pass in the moment or day.

Do you hate when people talk behind your back and wonder whats wrong with you? Also to those who have waited, how hard does it get to find a life partner late in life.

 

TBH, I never gave much thought to gossip or popular opinion probably because of being a bit of a group-think anarchist. That's probably why I didn't feel awkward around married friends. I figured, if they thought I was that lousy of a person, it would be easy enough to simply disconnect me an move on. After all, there are billions of people in the world and, yup, they all have opinions.

 

As far as finding a partner late in life, IDK. In my generation and demographic, nearly everyone I knew socially was married before I was 21-22 and definitely by 25. So, from that standpoint, meeting single women was exceedingly difficult until the first round of divorces in my early-mid 30's. However, some of this was my own responsibility because I chose not to date much younger women, like right out of high school, etc, once I realized the true dynamics in my mid-20's. These days, it's a given that those folks my age who live alone usually do for a reason and the vast majority, like myself, have been married or had a similar life partnership and for them being single is a conscious choice. That said, like any other challenge, if one puts their mind and resources to it, it can be overcome.

 

Hope that helps!

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I was having too much fun and living too interesting a life in my 20s and 30s to even think about getting married and giving any of it up. It just all depends what your goals are, where your heart is about having a wife and family. I'm female. I sort of assumed I'd end up married but I didn't want kids. And as I got older, I realized I wouldn't be a good wife because I want what I want when I want it and am not that bendy. I say don't force yourself to have a deadline. Do the things you most enjoy, follow your passions as much as possible, be productive, stay active so you keep meeting people, but don't worry about meeting people. Just have fun and be fun to be around, and friends and lovers will find you.

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Solid answer carhill. Thanks for that.

 

When I was in early 20s I had made up my mind that marriage isn't for me. I knew I definitely didn't wanted kids. But now seeing most of my friends married it brings mixed feeling sometimes. I hang out in various social circles, have work friends, clients as friends who I don't mind up calling anytime to share a beer, close friends, cousins, etc. I mostly hangout with close friends and all of them are now married. So it feels awkward sometimes as being the only single person in the group when we go out partying, dinners, movies, etc.

 

I come from a culture where arranged marriages are pretty common. I have even started meeting few people to see if its for me. I was taking this very seriously until an opportunity came up in my work.

 

@@ Prepraph, thanks for your reply. Can I ask where your mind is at right now? Do you think you will get married soon. I don't think in todays world you will find it difficult to find someone who doesn't want kids as well.

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I have spent most of my life single. I have never been one to say it was "by choice", since I've almost always been open to opportunities, but found few, but there have been moments in time where I just did not care. Where it never felt like a priority. Where I was focused on other things in my life and I knew even if I wanted to date, it would've been a disaster.

 

Sometimes I really wanted to be in the dating world. Other times I felt complete ambivalence. It came and went...

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If you fit the bill then is it because of choice? Do you feel awkward in social circles where all your friends are married or bring along their partners? How does it affect you financially? I am assuming you have all money for yourself and don't have to worry about taking risks in life. You are free to do whatever you want without worrying about what he/ she may think.

How lonely does it get sometimes?

Do you hate when people talk behind your back and wonder whats wrong with you? Also to those who have waited, how hard does it get to find a life partner late in life.

 

thanks

 

As for me, I have never been in a relationship all of my life and I am currently 28.

 

For me, part of it was a choice on my part because I know I am still living with my mother and that has a negative judgment value against me. Secondly, I don't find the sheer majority of women around me to be physically attractive. Lastly, I have noticed how much demand women typically has from their guys financially and that is something I don't have a lot of right now.

 

Can't keep women if you don't have money.

 

As for social circles, it is another thing that limits me since I don't have one. I have a hard time finding friends I actually want to keep in contact with and, as a result, it also affects my chances of finding relationships. Give it a few more years and I will certainly be damaged goods to 95% of the women out there. After all, finding a woman that even wants a 30+ year old virgin with no relationship experience is a complete pain.

 

The good news is that I can focus on what I need to do and that is valuable. I have already purchased my passport and I am looking to go back to college in August while working out with a personal trainer to bulk up my body. I doubt I can pull that off along with being in a relationship at the same time, even if I did have my own place.

 

As for people talking behind my back, I have long since pass the point where I don't even care anymore. Now I use the virgin reason to eliminate the women that is not the right fit for me at this point and that is perfectly fine. If I do lose it, I definitely don't want to lose it to a woman that would end up regretting the experience if she finds out. I rather keep it and take it to my death bed before I do that.

 

All in all, while I would love to get into a relationship, after being single for this long, I have gotten used to it and it will take an amazing woman to even think of giving any of that up.

 

As for society's judgment, to hell with them.

Edited by ltjg45
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ltjg, thanks for being completely honest. Though I don't know how to it feels to be a 28yo virgin who never have been in relationship, I definitely do know how it feels to be single right now. Once you are out of Uni and hang out in circles where all the people are taken, finding a girl becomes really hard.

Online dating is a complete different game from my experience. There is immense competition and unless you actually stand out in looks, financial status, profession, etc you would really need to compromise your standards.

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Frank2thepoint
If you fit the bill then is it because of choice?

 

I'm 36 and single. Partially it is by choice, because of the frustration of dating.

 

Do you feel awkward in social circles where all your friends are married or bring along their partners?

 

No I don't feel awkward at all. I'm happy they found someone they can do activities with and be romantic too.

 

How does it affect you financially?

 

Being single is great on my finances. I was able to pay off all my debt in 5 years. It would have been much more challenging to do while in a relationship.

 

How lonely does it get sometimes?

 

The crux of the matter. I don't feel lonely, as some people that can't function without being in a relationship, even if it's toxic. But I do long for one, to be intimate, companionship, activity partner, someone to talk with about anything, and much more.

 

Do you hate when people talk behind your back and wonder whats wrong with you?

 

If people are talking behind my back, I have not noticed it. But for argument's sake, assuming people are, it really doesn't bother me what they think. I know people in a healthy and wonderful relationships, and I know equally the same, if not more, people in toxic relationships. So there is a benefit of being single.

 

 

Also to those who have waited, how hard does it get to find a life partner late in life.

 

The challenge comes from getting to know someone, making a connection. People become jaded or at least more guarded as they age, so those people aren't as open to relationships as they were in their youth. This is one challenge I face. It's frustrating, especially when you passed a few dates, thinking things are progressing only to get dropped because the person freaked out.

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