road Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 WW's when your BH found out and asked who was the OM why did you not reveal who the OM was? If you eventually revealed who was the OM, how long past D day before you told your BH? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I told him when I told him everything else. He already had suspicions about who, but I felt the need to tell him anyway. Why wouldn't I? I was going for complete transparency here. I was positive that my husband wouldn't physically harm him (not that I really gave a crap about the xAP, I just didn't want my husband to land in jail). The xAP doesn't know my husband knows and would probably be upset that he did. We've had no contact in over 2 months. That's really not my problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 They do not reveal who the OM is because of a few reasons (1) they are still involved emotionally if not physically and do not want to end the affair. (2) it is a friend or neighbor of BH (3) it is a co worker and they are afraid they will have to quit there job (4) it is a husband of one of their friends NONE OF THESE rEASONS ARE ACCEPTABLE!!!! Ntheyndont want you to contact the OM wife because they are protecting him at your expense . Goodie LOx just gave you what should be done . Full transparency of no reconciliation 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 WW's when your BH found out and asked who was the OM why did you not reveal who the OM was? If you eventually revealed who was the OM, how long past D day before you told your BH? When my fMM told the BW about the A, he didn't tell her who I was because it was not her business. What was relevant to her was that he loved another and planned to leave her (the BW). That was all she needed to know about the situation to plan for what would happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 My guy didn't tell his ex who I was. He absolutely was protecting me from the crazy. All she knew was that I lived out of state at the time. Eventually she did find my number, then found my name. It was horrible, as he had already left but she still confronted me by phone once, and in his apartment six months later. I wish she still didn't know who I was, because she is altered from alcohol and I will always worry a little that she will pull a Betty Broderick. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 My guy didn't tell his ex who I was. He absolutely was protecting me from the crazy. Likewise. If a WS is withholding info, who are they protecting, and why? That will show where their loyalties really lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Likewise. If a WS is withholding info, who are they protecting, and why? That will show where their loyalties really lie. Admittedly, it's cute that you think a WS has loyalty. I guess you haven't seen this movie, but I have a feeling you aren't going to like the end. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Admittedly, it's cute that you think a WS has loyalty. I guess you haven't seen this movie, but I have a feeling you aren't going to like the end. What does that even mean? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 WW's when your BH found out and asked who was the OM why did you not reveal who the OM was? If you eventually revealed who was the OM, how long past D day before you told your BH? Did your WW reveal? Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Since this is a general question and not relevant to a particular affair, I retitled it to reflect that and open it up to all wayward spouses and moved it to GRD per policy. Please continue! Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Honestly, it just seems extra cruel to NOT reveal who. It's like saying "Someone robbed and assaulted your family but I'm not gonna tell you who!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Honestly, it just seems extra cruel to NOT reveal who. It's like saying "Someone robbed and assaulted your family but I'm not gonna tell you who!" The AP identity doesn't really matter. What matters is how BS is going to deal with the WS, the infidelity and the marriage. The WS is the one that needs dealing with. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 The AP identity doesn't really matter. What matters is how BS is going to deal with the WS, the infidelity and the marriage. The WS is the one that needs dealing with. I can understand why this view would be comforting. However, the person who knowingly gets involved with a married person has a moral problem, and it shouldn't surprise them to know that a BS wants to know who willing aided and abetted in the betrayal. I mean, no one who is logical would NOT see the ridiculousness of saying "only the WS matters." The WS didn't have sex with themselves. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Admittedly, it's cute that you think a WS has loyalty. I'm assuming English is not your first language if you think"cute" is an appropriate descriptor. I don't find it "cute", I find it to be appropriate in certain circumstances, possibly inappropriate in others. In the circumstances I'm best acquainted with, it's highly appropriate. I guess you haven't seen this movie, but I have a feeling you aren't going to like the end. Nope, I haven't seen any of your mind movies. That's a party only you and the voices in your head have tickets to attend, so you won't be seeing me here. I'll go on living in the real world, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 The AP identity doesn't really matter. What matters is how BS is going to deal with the WS, the infidelity and the marriage. The WS is the one that needs dealing with. Exactly. What matters to he marriage is that the WS chose, for whatever reason, not to remain faithful to the BS. The BS needs to decide if they can get past that and reconcile, or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I can understand why this view would be comforting. However, the person who knowingly gets involved with a married person has a moral problem, and it shouldn't surprise them to know that a BS wants to know who willing aided and abetted in the betrayal. I mean, no one who is logical would NOT see the ridiculousness of saying "only the WS matters." If the BS is as culpable, or more, than the WS for the breakdown of the M, then it is the BS who has the "moral problem" - especially if, as in my situation, the BS was herself a fWS. No moral high ground there whatsoever - she was wallowing in a moral swamp! The WS didn't have sex with themselves. Except sometimes they do. Sometimes the "OW" is a dial up phone sex line, or an online chat, or a video cam live feed of some "college girl" maturbating... A WS who is looking for something or someone, will find it. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I can understand why this view would be comforting. However, the person who knowingly gets involved with a married person has a moral problem, and it shouldn't surprise them to know that a BS wants to know who willing aided and abetted in the betrayal. I mean, no one who is logical would NOT see the ridiculousness of saying "only the WS matters." The WS didn't have sex with themselves. Isn't that focusing emotional energy toward the third party instead of the marriage? If there is a sincere attempt at R, then why preoccupy effort outside the marriage? If it is a work partner, work place must change. STD tests must be done. Wouldn't NC be compromised by divulging this info.? If a partner is divorcing then the marriage is terminated so it is no longer the business of the BS who the WS is in relationship with. I guess what I'm asking is for what good purpose should identity be revealed if work/social contact is not an issue? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I did not reveal the AP as my affair was not revealed. I divorced instead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) When my fMM told the BW about the A, he didn't tell her who I was because it was not her business. if they had children and if you were someone who would eventually meet those children, spend time with them - it is absolutely her business, like it or not. when children + divorce are involved - the BS must meet the AP because i cannot imagine a parent who wouldn't want to meet a person who will play an important role in their children's lives (i assume all parties are sane & normal, abuse situations excluded). hiding the AP's identity is only acceptable when you're divorcing without children, burning all bridges. if you're, however, deciding to work on your M? i don't think you should know who the AP was... unless it's someone close to you, like a sister or a close best friend. if i decided to reconcile, i wouldn't ask for the AP's identity. i just don't see a point. Edited April 20, 2015 by minimariah Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 The AP identity doesn't really matter. What matters is how BS is going to deal with the WS, the infidelity and the marriage. The WS is the one that needs dealing with. i think it matters in situations where the AP is someone close to the couple... when the AP has some kind of relationship with a BS, too. i think most folks want to know the identity because they want to avoid awkward situations when possibly meeting that person. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 if they had children and if you were someone who would eventually meet those children, spend time with them - it is absolutely her business, like it or not. when children + divorce are involved - the BS must meet the AP because i cannot imagine a parent who wouldn't want to meet a person who will play an important role in their children's lives (i assume all parties are sane & normal, abuse situations excluded). The kids knew who I was - they were teens, and he'd discussed with them leaving to be with me. It was only because they were cool with it that he told the BW and made plans to leave. If they hadn't been cool with it, he'd have waited until they were older and had left home. The kids chose to live with us. They were old enough to decide that for themselves, and the BW's view would not have swayed the courts when the kids expressed a clear preference. The courts decide on custody in the best interests of the children, not in the best interests of the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 It's up tot he bs whether they wish to know or not, and honestly, in this day and age, if they want to find out, it's not that difficult. Why do a bunch of ow feel they are in any sort of place to advise bs on what they should or shouldn't do, unless they have been in said position themselves? If I were the bs, I would be every bit as worried about what a "crazy" ow might do, as for every bs who lashes out,t here is an ow who has done the same. The bs has every right to know who he or she is protecting themselves from. After all, with social media,"friending" and all that, doesn't the bs have a right to know who the perosn who suddenly wants to friend them is? btw, a lot more bs know the identity of the ow/omthan what ow think do. They just have a lot more class than what the ws or "other" gives them credit for. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Did your WW reveal? No she never did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 if you're, however, deciding to work on your M? i don't think you should know who the AP was... unless it's someone close to you, like a sister or a close best friend. if i decided to reconcile, i wouldn't ask for the AP's identity. i just don't see a point. What if it is someone close you will never know unless the WW tells you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author road Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 i think it matters in situations where the AP is someone close to the couple... when the AP has some kind of relationship with a BS, too. i think most folks want to know the identity because they want to avoid awkward situations when possibly meeting that person. The BH can never know if NC was broken if he does not know who the OM was. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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