Darla Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I have had an FWB for about 7 months now. Recently he told me he was confused. He said that sometimes he felt like being in a relationship and other times he did not want a commitment. He said he often felt like it was heading into a relationship. I was confused cause we just hook up. There isn't anything relationship-y about it. I suggested that we just end it then and he said he wanted to just think about what he wanted as he was unsure. Its been about 2 weeks since that talk and I just figured it was done. We never got around to talking about it though we text and talk about other random things once in awhile. At one point the texts stopped. Then on Friday (last) He texted me. He paid me some nice flirty compliments as he saw me at work earlier. I thought he was ready to maybe resume this (which would be fine with me) His messages were a bit sexual which why I assumed he wanted to hook up. But then he shifted gears a bit. He began to ask me if I was dating another and then told me I would eventually find someone. I didn't know what the hell was going on so I just said " I'm confused so I guess maybe we should just move on" he said " ok " I told him I would see him around and then 10 mins later he said " I guess". Was I wrong to assume that because he was flirty that he may have wanted to hook up? Or did I just miss some weird sign that implied it was not about that? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think he wants more out of the relationship and is testing the waters with you. He's fishing to see if you want that, too. You haven't appeared interested in that so he's not going to make himself fully vulnerable and put himself out there, especially if you're so casually just saying that you're ready to just cut things off. No one likes being rejected by someone for whom they've developed feelings. He wants to know if you've been seeing anyone else because he's starting to want you for himself. He's likely a bit jealous and wants to know about his competition. He's fishing and you're not biting. If you want this guy for more than a FWB, you'd better make it known because it appears that he'd rather let you go than to keep feeling used when he wants more. It seems to happen often in a FWB situation that someone ends up developing feelings. I'd say it's usually the woman but I think your situation is an example of the opposite. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 The guy wants to pursue a serious relationship with you, and he's just feeling it out to see if you do too. From what you wrote, you don't want anything more than just a FWB. You need to communicate this to him. Just have an earnest talk with him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 ^^^^ what these guys said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm not surprised you were confused. I would be too! If he's trying to sound you out about a possible commitment with you, he's not being clear enough. Even asking if you are dating someone else means nothing - he could be worrying that you are or he could be hinting that you should. He's not being at all clear. I think the only thing you can do is to ask him what he wants out of this relationship because you feel confused about what he's saying recently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 After a few days had passed we talked. He said that he had been feeling really broken and a bit depressed and thats why he pulled away. He asked to resume our FWB relationship and I was cool with that. I asked if he was SURE an FWB relationship was ALL he wanted (cause it did seem like perhaps he wanted more) and he said yes. I'm going on this people but I have a few things to share and get input on here. I read that FWB's should only text for hook ups. He tends to text me... most of the day. I also read that you should only see each other once a week and he basically tries to see me as much as possible. He also asked me to let him know if I were to see anyone else. Isn't this taboo for FWB relationships? I don't mind the daily sex..at all..LOL but I don't know if thats wise. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 After a few days had passed we talked. He said that he had been feeling really broken and a bit depressed and thats why he pulled away. He asked to resume our FWB relationship and I was cool with that. I asked if he was SURE an FWB relationship was ALL he wanted (cause it did seem like perhaps he wanted more) and he said yes. I'm going on this people but I have a few things to share and get input on here. I read that FWB's should only text for hook ups. He tends to text me... most of the day. I also read that you should only see each other once a week and he basically tries to see me as much as possible. He also asked me to let him know if I were to see anyone else. Isn't this taboo for FWB relationships? I don't mind the daily sex..at all..LOL but I don't know if thats wise. I think that people in ambiguous casual relationships still tend to slip into behaving as if they are in a serious relationship and it is so easy to interpret such behaviour as 'he wants more' when in fact he doesn't, he just wants to maintain the status quo. I don't think there are 'rules' in love and war, you just need to protect your heart if you are secretly hoping he wants more. He has confirmed all he is looking for is FWB so believe him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I think he's trying to make sure you're seeing other guys and not trying to get serious. Look, if he wants to have a relationship all he has to do is call you a couple days in advance and ask you out on a real date at a nice restaurant or movie or something and then treat you like a date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 I hear you and no I am not secretly hoping for more. I like it the way it is. I always have. I don't mind being honest about seeing other people but I will say that I just think if your not committed , then it should not even matter. What would be the point of wanting to know? I have not said this to him but I do think it. He also told me he would not be seeing anyone else ...which worries me a little. I don't know but texting daily, going out for lunch and meeting for hook ups and getting drinks after and wanting to know if I see someone else while he tells me he will not be seeing others sounds a bit like .... dating. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I hear you and no I am not secretly hoping for more. I like it the way it is. I always have. I don't mind being honest about seeing other people but I will say that I just think if your not committed , then it should not even matter. What would be the point of wanting to know? I have not said this to him but I do think it. He also told me he would not be seeing anyone else ...which worries me a little. I don't know but texting daily, going out for lunch and meeting for hook ups and getting drinks after and wanting to know if I see someone else while he tells me he will not be seeing others sounds a bit like .... dating. Right? It IS a bit like texting. But as long as you know where you stand, then I guess it's fine. As long as you don't get carried away and guard yourself. With my current FWB, we were texting daily and going on dates and all sorts and even though I didn't really think there was more to it, I was a bit confused. We talked about it and made things clear. We stopped texting daily after that though, which was my decision. We still text often enough, either to try and arrange meeting or to share something funny/interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ya that sounds like us. lol I think I get worried because he did tell me that he started to have feelings. Recently when I asked him if this was the case still he said the feelings are there but he will not entertain them. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ya that sounds like us. lol I think I get worried because he did tell me that he started to have feelings. Recently when I asked him if this was the case still he said the feelings are there but he will not entertain them. Why not, though? That I don't understand. If there are feelings, why not pursue them and see what happens? Because it's not even as if he made that decision because YOU are not interested (doesn't matter if you are or not, though, it's not like he asked and you said no) My FWB is still massively hung up on his ex(we started sleeping together a week after they broke up, a few months ago). I'm the distraction. And that's cool. I'm actively putting myself out there and dating other people. He isn't, but that makes sense in his situation... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you have any inclination to actually have a relationship with the guy and want to test the waters, you could always be bold and text him a couple days ahead of time and say "If you want to come over and bring me flowers or candy Saturday like a real date, I'll cook you a steak." And just see what he says. Don't be ambiguous though. Too much confusion already. Use the word "date" and let him know you expect something back. And the reason I am not saying for you to ask him to dinner/movie and pay is because then he might feel obligated to really spend money and reciprocate. Generally, men don't feel too under pressure being asked to dinner when you cook. And don't say "bring me wine" because that's going to end up mostly for him. You have to be clear it would be a dating-type arrangement, and being corny about your expectations, he'll either laugh it off or he'll do it. And if he does it, you have your answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 It sounds like he wants all the benefits of a relationship, but none of the responsibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why not, though? That I don't understand. If there are feelings, why not pursue them and see what happens? Because it's not even as if he made that decision because YOU are not interested (doesn't matter if you are or not, though, it's not like he asked and you said no) My FWB is still massively hung up on his ex(we started sleeping together a week after they broke up, a few months ago). I'm the distraction. And that's cool. I'm actively putting myself out there and dating other people. He isn't, but that makes sense in his situation... Because he said that he can not deal with "feelings" because he feels broken and depressed. He has been going through some rough issues with an ex who also happens to be his son's mom. They have not been together for a very long time. She left the relationship when his son was barely a year old and moved away to do her own thing for a few years having little to no contact with the son. Recently she is trying to establish a relationship with the little boy (she has moved back) however the child is not used to her and has issues going to stay with her. This causes my FWB problems because he hates putting his son through that. She is his mother however now she wants certain visitation and they are going through court and it stresses him out. All of this is a lot for him to deal with. He feels he is not at his best . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you have any inclination to actually have a relationship with the guy and want to test the waters, you could always be bold and text him a couple days ahead of time and say "If you want to come over and bring me flowers or candy Saturday like a real date, I'll cook you a steak." And just see what he says. Don't be ambiguous though. Too much confusion already. Use the word "date" and let him know you expect something back. And the reason I am not saying for you to ask him to dinner/movie and pay is because then he might feel obligated to really spend money and reciprocate. Generally, men don't feel too under pressure being asked to dinner when you cook. And don't say "bring me wine" because that's going to end up mostly for him. You have to be clear it would be a dating-type arrangement, and being corny about your expectations, he'll either laugh it off or he'll do it. And if he does it, you have your answer. He had asked me to breakfast recently and then he said " You should cook me breakfast". I could not make the breakfast date and later that week I told him I would cook him dinner. I did not want a date out of this... it was just me doing something nice for him. I told him I would meet him after work with the food so he could take it home and eat with his son. He seemed happy about this however when the day I was to do this for him came, he avoided my messages that had anything to do with that. I figured he just did not want me to do it ( ya it was confusing ) so I simply did not make it and went about my business. If we go to dinner or lunch ..he always insists on paying. He brings me coffee in the morning to say hello when he drives by my work place. He has bought me a few gifts but I never looked at this as anything more. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ok. I can sympathise with that. He's not in the best emotional place for a relationship. Good on him for understanding that. Maybe in the future, if things between you continue... but don't hold your breath! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Ok. I can sympathise with that. He's not in the best emotional place for a relationship. Good on him for understanding that. Maybe in the future, if things between you continue... but don't hold your breath! Thats the whole point though. I don't want a relationship with him. I never have. I thought from day one we both said and made it clear. The next thing I know, he says he has feelings. Then he tells me he does not know what he wants as if there is an option. He pulls away (which is fine considering he his child issues) and then comes back saying he can't do a relationship which confuses me cuz I did not ask for one. Then he lays out the rules of this FWB thing and its no relationship but not just casual sex. He wants to see me daily and not date others even though we can and he wants me to tell him if I see someone else. LOL I get mixed signals from him. Like yesterday ... I told him I was going to Viva Las Vegas over the weekend and his whole attitude changed towards me. He told me I was gonna have a lot of fun and I texted back that I had been many times before and that I was excited about it. His reply was " I didn't mean it in a bad way, dick" I said I didn't think he did. I mean why would he? After that he was quiet all day. Same thing today... no messages. Which is fine but its not the norm so of course I know something is wrong. He'll get over it. I just hate thinking he isn't being honest with me about what he really wants because I don't like games. I want a FWB relationship and I thought thats what we had but it don't feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 The problem I see here is that you keep entertaining his romantic gestures but blow hot and cold at the prospect of dating because you wanna keep him around for the sex. It is time to either let him go or give it a shot, because right now you're toying with his heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 The problem I see here is that you keep entertaining his romantic gestures but blow hot and cold at the prospect of dating because you wanna keep him around for the sex. It is time to either let him go or give it a shot, because right now you're toying with his heart. I asked him to be honest with me about what he wanted. He said he did not want a commitment (which I don't either and have said ) and since this is an FWB relationship.... it is just about the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I asked him to be honest with me about what he wanted. He said he did not want a commitment (which I don't either and have said ) and since this is an FWB relationship.... it is just about the sex. It's up to you to enforce that then hon. Re-state the actual rules to him, and be prepared to call it off if he can't deal with that, either thru words or actions. And tell him ahead of time that you will if he starts or keeps treating you like a part time GF, so he can't cry foul if it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I asked him to be honest with me about what he wanted. He said he did not want a commitment (which I don't either and have said ) and since this is an FWB relationship.... it is just about the sex. It doesn't matter what he says, his actions speak loud and clear that he wants a relationship. For quite a while now, I've never heard of a FWB arrangement that included going out, much less the guy being all gentleman-like and paying for everything plus gifts. Look for a new FWB partner, it will take him months to figure out that this isn't good for him - if ever - and end it. As soon as drama begins you should always call FWB off because something's wrong, and this guy clearly forgot 'the rules'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 It doesn't matter what he says, his actions speak loud and clear that he wants a relationship. For quite a while now, I've never heard of a FWB arrangement that included going out, much less the guy being all gentleman-like and paying for everything plus gifts. Look for a new FWB partner, it will take him months to figure out that this isn't good for him - if ever - and end it. As soon as drama begins you should always call FWB off because something's wrong, and this guy clearly forgot 'the rules'. Right? I thought the rules were odd though some people say there are no rules. NO ONE needs to know what you do when your not with them unless their feelings are at steak. I don't ask him anything because it simply does not matter. I tend to want to believe him though I see things in his behavior that make me think otherwise. I guess I just don't see the benefits in lying about what you want. I think perhaps you are right and I should let him go. Pitty ... it used to be fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darla Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 It's up to you to enforce that then hon. Re-state the actual rules to him, and be prepared to call it off if he can't deal with that, either thru words or actions. And tell him ahead of time that you will if he starts or keeps treating you like a part time GF, so he can't cry foul if it happens. I used to think putting a label on it was a bad thing as we never seemed to fit any bill. The just of it is we are not in a committed relationship. We enjoy each others company and have amazing sex. I will admit that when he did say he had feelings for me... I did feel ... something for him. I buried it and don't go there cuz I don't want to. I guess thats why I thought he could put away his feelings as well. It does not seem like it though. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I hear you and no I am not secretly hoping for more. I like it the way it is. I always have. I don't mind being honest about seeing other people but I will say that I just think if your not committed , then it should not even matter. What would be the point of wanting to know? I have not said this to him but I do think it. He also told me he would not be seeing anyone else ...which worries me a little. I don't know but texting daily, going out for lunch and meeting for hook ups and getting drinks after and wanting to know if I see someone else while he tells me he will not be seeing others sounds a bit like .... dating. Guys usually want sexual exclusivity. Don't be deceived by this. It does not mean they've fallen in love with you; it just means they don't want to think they are sharing your body with another guy. Sexual exclusivity is not the same as an emotional relationship with love and fidelity. I think this catches a lot of women out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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