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How did you finally move on emotionally?


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LoverOfDance

Have you ever had feelings for someone (you couldn't have) for a very long time (my feelings are almost 5 years old now). Are you over it now? How did you finally get over it? Do you think I'll have this feelings forever? If so, how can I deal with them? What can I do to make them hurt less?

Edited by LoverOfDance
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Accepting at an elemental psychological level that, if our life path was to be together, we'd be together. Any other result is what it is and shall be accepted.

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Have you ever had feelings for someone (you couldn't have) for a very long time (my feelings are almost 5 years old now). Are you over it now? How did you finally get over it? Do you think I'll have this feelings forever? If so, how can I deal with them? What can I do to make them hurt less?

 

I wish I could help you! I've been trying to figure out the answer to the same questions for nearly 5 years....

Edited by MLAZ1990
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salparadise

Agree with carhill. We don't always get what we want––unrequited love is one of those things. Acceptance is the alternative. You're lucky if this person doesn't string you along. People who refuse to accept end up with restraining orders (or worse). I have mine framed on either side of this portrait of my alter ego.

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You may always have some feelings forever, but it's very important to realize that feelings area renewable resource. It's not like gold and once you've given it away, you have nothing left. Your vessel is completely capable of refilling itself with more love to give to other people.

 

The key is to get back up as soon as possible and force yourself, if you have to, to start going out and seeing friends and meeting people and doing things you like to do. Do not put your life on hold just because you are not in the optimal mental state to go do things. You can go do things and get your mind out of its rut and start crowding those old memories into a more condensed heap by making new memories by living life.

 

If you need a jump start, one of my favorites was to pack bags and go somewhere new. It seems like it's easier to forget for awhile in all new surroundings, even if it's only for a weekend. And more importantly, it will remind you how much there is left to do in your time here on earth.

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autumnnight

We cannot force feelings to disappear. We can, however, choose how much time we are going to spend dwelling on them.

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2.50 a gallon

Find a way to move on in life.

After the break up of my marriage, I found that my mind was obsessed with her. So the first order of business was to find ways to get my mind off of her and onto other subjects.

Then to turn those seconds into minutes, hours and later days.

I got back into my hobbies. I also saw that this was a time that I could try things that I had always wanted to try. I failed at raising orchids. I had always wanted an aquarium and a friend turned me onto raising rare and hard to breed fish. This took more time, raising fry, raising special foods to feed the fry.

I also saw that someday I would want to get back into the dating game. I was a decent cook, but decided to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. This was a triple winner. It took time and effort to cook them, I ended up with a great tasting meal, and yes when I got back into dating they were dot on.

I also found that I needed to move. Get away from bad memories. I went apartment hunting. I finally settled on a large apartment complex with lots of great looking ladies at the pool.

Upon moving in I bought myself a large Webber for outdoor grilling and a electric ice cream maker. The ice cream was a big hit, within a couple of weeks I had several new friends coming by on Saturday in hopes I would share my home made ice cream

All this was not a cure all. But combined it got me slowly moving down the path to a new life.

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LoverOfDance

I'm I absolutely crazy for thinking that it's possible that he feels the same? I feel like his feelings are just buried and I could actually bring them out if I tried.

 

If I told him how I feel and actually tried to show him how I feel about him, he would reciprocate. I know this because he's done it before. But if I don't show him my feelings, he pretty much does the same.

 

I have decided to let him go (physically). I avoid places where I know he would be in. But my mind and heart are stubborn, so stubborn. I don't know if they will ever let go.

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I'm I absolutely crazy for thinking that it's possible that he feels the same? I feel like his feelings are just buried and I could actually bring them out if I tried.

 

If I told him how I feel and actually tried to show him how I feel about him, he would reciprocate. I know this because he's done it before. But if I don't show him my feelings, he pretty much does the same.

 

I have decided to let him go (physically). I avoid places where I know he would be in. But my mind and heart are stubborn, so stubborn. I don't know if they will ever let go.

 

Is this an ex or just someone you like/love?

 

Is this person single?

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LoverOfDance

@MLAZ1990 No he is not an ex. He is someone I fell for 4 and half years ago. I found out months after I had already developed feelings for him, that he had a gf. They've been together for 13 years now.

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Five years is too long to have not moved on from someone - especially months after developing feelings for him, you find out he had someone else WHO he's been with for 13 years and WHO he still is with.

 

Please consider looking into counseling, because I believe you holding on to "him" has nothing to do with "him" per se (i.e. he's the only guy in the world who finds you attractive).

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@MLAZ1990 No he is not an ex. He is someone I fell for 4 and half years ago. I found out months after I had already developed feelings for him, that he had a gf. They've been together for 13 years now.

 

Ah I see. That's a tough one!!!

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He is free to leave his girlfriend for you and has not done so. There is no excuse good enough that this should be okay to you. I don't care if he has kids, I don't care if she threatens to kill herself if he leaves, I don't care if she needs him or he needs her. If he wanted to leave her and be with you, he would.

 

What you have got to accept is that for most women, the ideal situation is one monogamous relationship with a man. For many men, the ideal situation is having as many women at their disposal as possible without sacrificing anything. We are not alike.

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LoverOfDance

@Gloria25 I don't think there's anything wrong with me, it's just the way I am. I tend to hold on (emotionally) to things or people I really really like. I liked my very first crush for 6 years and only stopped liking him due to circumstances in life which pulled us apart - I went to high school in another state and never saw him again.

 

Also, I have a best friend who I've known for 14 years. One day she suddenly stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from her for two years. I miss her a lot and will never forget her.

 

My Dad died 4 years ago. He wasn't the best husband in the world. He broke my mom's heart in so many ways I can't even describe. But I still loved him and still see him in my dreams even though he's dead.

 

I love dance with all of my heart and could never give it up for anything. I will probably dance till the day I die.

 

It's just me. I love hard. Very hard. It's hard for me to let go of someone or something I really care about.

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IMO, you can work with that style and accept that the memories will always remain valuable and the love can be there; concurrently, accept that it is not returned, as can happen with human interactions.

 

I used a permutation of these tools to accept the end of an interaction which went on for nearly 3 decades. Amazing how well it worked. About the only perceptible side effect I consider a negative is I find myself to be less emotionally responsive to people anymore and perhaps that's a good thing. Example: I can express sympathy for a friend's loss of a loved one but not really feel an elemental sadness like prior when 'all in'; it's sort of a detachment. For some that might signal an attachment issue. For myself, I consider it a healthy distance from what was prior an unhealthy level of intimacy. More appropriate.

 

IMO, just keep trying different stuff and see what sticks. There's no set formula.

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@Gloria25 I don't think there's anything wrong with me, it's just the way I am. I tend to hold on (emotionally) to things or people I really really like. I liked my very first crush for 6 years and only stopped liking him due to circumstances in life which pulled us apart - I went to high school in another state and never saw him again.

 

Also, I have a best friend who I've known for 14 years. One day she suddenly stopped talking to me. I haven't heard from her for two years. I miss her a lot and will never forget her.

 

My Dad died 4 years ago. He wasn't the best husband in the world. He broke my mom's heart in so many ways I can't even describe. But I still loved him and still see him in my dreams even though he's dead.

 

I love dance with all of my heart and could never give it up for anything. I will probably dance till the day I die.

 

It's just me. I love hard. Very hard. It's hard for me to let go of someone or something I really care about.

 

And a response like this ^^ is why I recommend you seek counseling. I do not believe "love" is the appropriate word to define why you have a problem letting go of certain people/things for such a overly prolonged period.

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OP, in support of the previous poster's suggestion for counseling, in fact, yep, I learned the tools in MC with a clinical psychologist. They worked for a myriad of issues, including the one you raised in this thread. Even though the D cost me a bundle, the tools were well worth the money spent on MC.

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LoverOfDance

@Gloria25 I don't see it as a problem. When you love something or someone, you want them to stay in your life. When they leave you miss them and wish they didn't have to go. If you really love them, you never forget them. I'm not sure I understand how it is a problem to hold on to something or someone you love. Holding on is not always a bad thing. It is only bad when it hurts or when it hurts so much it is difficult to bear.

 

That is my only issue with this situation. Holding on to him hurts and I feel like I can't make my heart or mind let him go. It's like my heart has a mind of its own and it will let go when it pleases. My worry is that, it may never let go.

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@Gloria25 I don't see it as a problem. When you love something or someone, you want them to stay in your life. When they leave you miss them and wish they didn't have to go. If you really love them, you never forget them. I'm not sure I understand how it is a problem to hold on to something or someone you love. Holding on is not always a bad thing. It is only bad when it hurts or when it hurts so much it is difficult to bear.

 

That is my only issue with this situation. Holding on to him hurts and I feel like I can't make my heart or mind let him go. It's like my heart has a mind of its own and it will let go when it pleases. My worry is that, it may never let go.

 

You know what? I like lasagna...actually, I "love" it. Do I eat it every day? If I never had lasagna again will I die? Does it hurt me when I eat other foods cuz I'm not eating my dear lasagna?

 

Nothing wrong with loving people/things....but, when that particular person/thing takes over your life and you can't live with out it - especially when it doesn't want you back, is not "love". There's "obsession", "desperation", and a whole host of things I can name.

 

You are holding on to some guy who for one, never wanted you and has/had someone else - for years. This is not your "heart" letting go. A heart pumps blood through out the body...we "think" with our brains.

 

What is it about "this" guy that in FIVE YEARS you have not been able to find in someone else?

 

Again, I highly recommend therapy to see the real reason why you can't let go. Maybe your dad didn't give you enough hugs.

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LoverOfDance

@Gloria25 You really need to be careful the way you speak to ppl. I'm not sure if you're trying to help or if you're just concerned with making a really great point and having the last word.

 

When I refer to the "heart", you should know that I'm not referring to the organ itself. I am referring more to feelings. And yes the brain plays a central role in everything that goes on in the body.

 

Please be more sensitive or don't reply at all.

Edited by LoverOfDance
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LoverOfDance

@carhill You're right. I need to talk to someone about this and try to figure out how to let him go.

 

My mind is obsessed with thoughts of him. Isn't that what happens to ppl when they are in love? Aren't they obsessed with thoughts of each other? When two ppl are obsessed with each other, ppl call it love. But when it is just one person obsessing over another, people say it is not love.

 

I believe that one person can love another even though the other doesn't feel the same. However, that love can hurt.

 

I need to figure out how to get my mind to stop obsessing over him because It hurts to be alone in love. So I will take your advice and talk to someone.

 

I will keep working on it for as long as I have to until I can finally let go.

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LoverofDance, you may go on loving, but what you must do is not put your life on hold because there is no resolution to this. It is your love to give to whoever you want and it takes some longer than others to get over the worst of it, but the key to it all is to make yourself keep going out with friends and doing the things you love and use some self-discipline to stop letting yourself dwell on it or fantasize that it will work out.

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