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Lost in this bad relationship


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Concreteman78

ok...Well, no sex, no communication, and money problems. What to do...

 

Sex? Whats that? I havent had it in i think 5 months now. And she told me in an argument a few weeks ago she wont give it to me due to her not being happy with me. Well...hard to be attracted to someone that is mean, insencitive, selfish. Told me she hates it when I try to get in the shower with her. Fine....I give up and have zero desire anymore. Im not even interested in anyone else.

 

Money..or lack of it. Combined...we make around $110K a year. But we live paycheck to paycheck. I barely spend anything and have basically no personal bills besides a storage unit. (my work provides me a vehicle, phone, etc) Yet she blows $40-$50 a week on cigarettes. Then stops everyday at Starbucks for her $8 coffee, and then gas station for her iced tea....sometimes twice. She blew almost $450 in the past two weeks on picture frames, then shopping with her sister was another $200...Basically I added up shes gone thru around $1800 on non essential crap in the past 3 weeks. I stopped my direct deposit into the joint account today but she doesnt know this. My $1200 check was deposited into that account last thursday....and by Sunday...$77 was in the account. She came home last night and immediately changed her clothes saying she has to go run some errands with her mom. When I didnt hear the garage door...i stuck my head out in the garage to see her loading things into her car. I didnt say anything and she left. I then text her asking why my card was declined for a $1.17 coffee earlier this morning....she said i need to call the bank...i then responded asking why there was only $77 in the account. No responce. She came home later and said the spending is getting out of control...she said she purposely over spent on paint (we painted the living room...but she bought 9 gallons of paint) due to the fact shes getting her tax check...then made the comment i wouldnt understand her reasoning (shes always going on how intelligent she is to everyone)....Then she was being nice to me the rest of the night for the most part....At this rate I will never retire or do anything but work work work for I cant afford to do anything else, let alone save anything.

 

Communication...Whats that? I cant talk to her for if I do....whatever I say..Im wrong or didnt say it right. My opinion doesnt matter anyways for everything in here is hers....not ours....hers. She owns it all. Even when I do try to talk to her about what interests me...she doesnt care. She has even told me the things I send her on FB or pinterest...doesnt interest her. But yet she will complain i dont talk to her. WTH hell am i to do? She isnt even interested in what ive done in my past. I cant talk about what i do at work for she doesnt care and has said she doesnt care. But yet she tells me she loves me? I dont get it.

 

Shes CONSTANTLY on her phone going thru FB. And I mean CONSTANTLY. messenger going off constantly with guys names...(ive glanced). Goes out in the garage to smoke with her phone and will be out there 30 minutes at a time....and if her sister is in town....im forgotten about. She told me a few weeks ago....TO NEVER EVER TOUCH HER ****ING PHONE. Her work schedule....i COMPLETELY dont understand. I deal with what she does daily being Im in construction management and sales....and she is a an industrial property manager. But yet she doesnt go in till 10-11am then leaves at 4-5pm. Shes up till 2-3am every night...and sleeps till 9am weekdays and till 12-1pm on weekends.

 

The house is a mess....If i dont clean it....it wont get cleaned. She will cook dinner occasionally...and Ill clean it up for thats only fair. But her late night bowls of cereal....that will be left on her nightstand...for DAYS. Along with all the ice tea cups...Once I get tired of it....Ill dump 7-8 cups and throw them away then have to make 2 trips to the kitchen with dishes off her nightstand.... the bathroom is a disgusting mess so i refuse to use it and use the spare for i keep it clean. Laundry? I do my own weekly. she does hers once she runs out of her thousands of clothes. I cleaned out the garage (2 car) over this past weekend due to me getting a brand new work car instead of a huge truck i used to have. I wanted to park my new car in the garage of course. So i spent all weekend sorting, cleaning, throwing things away, taking to goodwill, taking things to the storage unit, etc. Everytime she came out there....she would go thru the trash bags and pull things out and scold me for throwing crap out. (i believe in if you havent used it in a year...throw it out). Once I got it all mostly clean...and both cars in the garage...i was done for the night. She had slept probably 16 hours that day and finally woke up at 11pm and went out there saying it looked nice. Then went out to smoke...came back in at 11:40pm and said she didnt like her arrangement i made for her smoking area. (i hate smoking and she knows it and doesnt care about how i feel about it). So the next night...I moved her chair and ashtray into the middle of my side of the garage and kept my car outside. She hasnt said a word.....(childish on my part...but i dont care..im sick of what i do not being good enough for her).

 

I cant afford to move out on my own for I don't or cant get anything saved. If i did I would have already left. BUT she cant afford her car or this condo without my income. I just dont understand.....I know I am not happy at all....and quite depressed. I cant do anything i used to due to the lack of funds. Maybe now that the weather broke i can get outside and ride my mountain bike....and away from her. This life sucks. I am happier at work then at home.

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The energy you put into writing this, use that to make an action plan, to leave.

 

Start saving for rent & deposit.

Take on some extra work for cash, side Jobs, weekend work, anything.

Find a place and rent out the spare room? To save money. Once near the end of saving, tell her you're leaving. This relationship is toxic.

 

If age can't afford her car or the condo without your income, that means you take that money and put it your new place. Why do you not have money to save or move? If this is the case? Why are you stalling?

Edited by Poppyolive
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Wow! I don't know what your income ratio is and don't need to. When $1200.00 is deposited into the bank and a few days later only $77.00 remains, I want to know where the money went. Was is spent paying mortgage, utilities, etc.? I'm guessing not. You have stopped direct deposit and opened an independent account. That's a step in the right direction. She doesn't have access to breeze thru hundreds of dollar each week and you have a means to pay the bills.

 

I'm not a tightwad my no means, but if I'm living paycheck to paycheck you can bet your last dollar there would be no daily stops for gourmet coffees and teas, and if my partner/spouse/SO couldn't manage money no better than that, a joint account would have ended long ago. Bragging about excessive spending will end when it's on her dime instead of yours!

 

Truthfully, she has no respect for you, AT ALL. In a committed relationship without open boundaries, there are RED FLAGS waving. What you are describing is a totally one-sided situation. You really pulled your car out of the garage and sat up a smoke station? Really? You have no backbone. If you are not happy, then get out. Life is too short to stay in a miserable relationship.

 

Sounds to me like you've taken ONE proactive measure and secured an independent account. You might learn you can afford more than you originally thought. Why are you worried she can't afford her car? Cut out the smokes and three or four gourmet beverages per day and she'll have plenty of money for any car her heart desires.

 

I can't fathom why you would want to stay in a relationship where there is no respect for you, no sex, only berating conversation exist, and you are financially burdened due to frivolous spending.

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salparadise

Given what you posted, I think you just need to end it without another thought. Are both names on the lease or just one? Definitely do not give her access to your money- you need to accumulate cash reserve so you'll have options. If your name is not on the lease you can make a clean exit while she's at work. If it's your lease it won't be quite so easy but it can still be done. Both names... hope it expires soon. Once you make the decision it will relieve much of the stress.

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ok...Well, no sex, no communication, and money problems. What to do...

 

Sex? Whats that? I havent had it in i think 5 months now. And she told me in an argument a few weeks ago she wont give it to me due to her not being happy with me. Well...hard to be attracted to someone that is mean, insencitive, selfish. Told me she hates it when I try to get in the shower with her. Fine....I give up and have zero desire anymore. Im not even interested in anyone else.

 

Money..or lack of it. Combined...we make around $110K a year. But we live paycheck to paycheck. I barely spend anything and have basically no personal bills besides a storage unit. (my work provides me a vehicle, phone, etc) Yet she blows $40-$50 a week on cigarettes. Then stops everyday at Starbucks for her $8 coffee, and then gas station for her iced tea....sometimes twice. She blew almost $450 in the past two weeks on picture frames, then shopping with her sister was another $200...Basically I added up shes gone thru around $1800 on non essential crap in the past 3 weeks. I stopped my direct deposit into the joint account today but she doesnt know this. My $1200 check was deposited into that account last thursday....and by Sunday...$77 was in the account. She came home last night and immediately changed her clothes saying she has to go run some errands with her mom. When I didnt hear the garage door...i stuck my head out in the garage to see her loading things into her car. I didnt say anything and she left. I then text her asking why my card was declined for a $1.17 coffee earlier this morning....she said i need to call the bank...i then responded asking why there was only $77 in the account. No responce. She came home later and said the spending is getting out of control...she said she purposely over spent on paint (we painted the living room...but she bought 9 gallons of paint) due to the fact shes getting her tax check...then made the comment i wouldnt understand her reasoning (shes always going on how intelligent she is to everyone)....Then she was being nice to me the rest of the night for the most part....At this rate I will never retire or do anything but work work work for I cant afford to do anything else, let alone save anything.

 

Communication...Whats that? I cant talk to her for if I do....whatever I say..Im wrong or didnt say it right. My opinion doesnt matter anyways for everything in here is hers....not ours....hers. She owns it all. Even when I do try to talk to her about what interests me...she doesnt care. She has even told me the things I send her on FB or pinterest...doesnt interest her. But yet she will complain i dont talk to her. WTH hell am i to do? She isnt even interested in what ive done in my past. I cant talk about what i do at work for she doesnt care and has said she doesnt care. But yet she tells me she loves me? I dont get it.

 

Shes CONSTANTLY on her phone going thru FB. And I mean CONSTANTLY. messenger going off constantly with guys names...(ive glanced). Goes out in the garage to smoke with her phone and will be out there 30 minutes at a time....and if her sister is in town....im forgotten about. She told me a few weeks ago....TO NEVER EVER TOUCH HER ****ING PHONE. Her work schedule....i COMPLETELY dont understand. I deal with what she does daily being Im in construction management and sales....and she is a an industrial property manager. But yet she doesnt go in till 10-11am then leaves at 4-5pm. Shes up till 2-3am every night...and sleeps till 9am weekdays and till 12-1pm on weekends.

 

The house is a mess....If i dont clean it....it wont get cleaned. She will cook dinner occasionally...and Ill clean it up for thats only fair. But her late night bowls of cereal....that will be left on her nightstand...for DAYS. Along with all the ice tea cups...Once I get tired of it....Ill dump 7-8 cups and throw them away then have to make 2 trips to the kitchen with dishes off her nightstand.... the bathroom is a disgusting mess so i refuse to use it and use the spare for i keep it clean. Laundry? I do my own weekly. she does hers once she runs out of her thousands of clothes. I cleaned out the garage (2 car) over this past weekend due to me getting a brand new work car instead of a huge truck i used to have. I wanted to park my new car in the garage of course. So i spent all weekend sorting, cleaning, throwing things away, taking to goodwill, taking things to the storage unit, etc. Everytime she came out there....she would go thru the trash bags and pull things out and scold me for throwing crap out. (i believe in if you havent used it in a year...throw it out). Once I got it all mostly clean...and both cars in the garage...i was done for the night. She had slept probably 16 hours that day and finally woke up at 11pm and went out there saying it looked nice. Then went out to smoke...came back in at 11:40pm and said she didnt like her arrangement i made for her smoking area. (i hate smoking and she knows it and doesnt care about how i feel about it). So the next night...I moved her chair and ashtray into the middle of my side of the garage and kept my car outside. She hasnt said a word.....(childish on my part...but i dont care..im sick of what i do not being good enough for her).

 

I cant afford to move out on my own for I don't or cant get anything saved. If i did I would have already left. BUT she cant afford her car or this condo without my income. I just dont understand.....I know I am not happy at all....and quite depressed. I cant do anything i used to due to the lack of funds. Maybe now that the weather broke i can get outside and ride my mountain bike....and away from her. This life sucks. I am happier at work then at home.

 

Aside from the smoking, this sounds exactly like my H's xW (she drank instead of smoking). He put up with it for decades. He wasted so much so his life. Please don't make the same mistake.

 

Decide how much you're willing to put in the joint account to cover household items -or buy those separately from your own account and put nothing in the joint account. Put money aside for your own place, and when you have enough, move out. Whether she can afford the place on her own is up to her - not your problem.

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Do NOT put money for bills in a joint account. She'll spend it frivolously and you'll still be on the hook for payment or have your credit ruined.

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benjamin100

I'm not really sure what facility you have but would a marriage guidance counselor be able to solve some of the differences in the home. Most people have their pet hates about their partners habits and mannerisms. Sometimes another person can mediate and maybe some common ground can be achieved. Don't throw the towel in just yet. There may be help out there.

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I don't have experience with situations like this, but if I were to give advice, I'd tell you to

1) stop trying to make her happy.

2) start riding that mountain bike 3-4 nights/week or more.

3) cut her off from your income and take control of your own finances.

4) make a solid plan with baby steps to remove yourself from the relationship and living situation.

5) Take at least one action every day, no matter how small, towards ending this.

 

good luck.

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Concreteman78

I have no money due to her spending. The condo we live in is totally in her name along with all the bills. So I have nothing tying me to this place.

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Concreteman78

The only bill we had this week from my check was an AT&T bill for $230. I spent $8 for lunch on friday....and thats all i spent. the rest was her blowing it on cigs, tea, coffee, clothes, and who knows what else.

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salparadise
I have no money due to her spending. The condo we live in is totally in her name along with all the bills. So I have nothing tying me to this place.

 

That's great. All you have to do then is finalize your plan while you build up a cash reserve. That is, assuming you're ready to take your life back. If that's not the case then perhaps you need to talk to someone to help sort your feelings and reconnect with your motivation. I'll just remind you that you can't change anyone but yourself. Are you ready for a change?

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Sounds like the first thing you need to do is start paying attention to what is going on with your bank account. Look at the statements and see where the money is going. What are legitimate needs and what are frivolous.

Your suspicions are probably correct that she is blowing through money, but you need to actually look at it and rationalize it to come to that conclusion.

 

Just do that. One thing at a time. My head is spinning reading all of your complaints. Each one may be completely valid, but I think you need clarity, not me on your relationship.

 

So start with completely understanding the money trail. Take over the bill paying if you are the one paying for most of them.

 

If the condo was in her name before you married her then it is dowry and even if you made the payments since then you probably have zero claim to the equity.

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Concreteman78

so the night before last...its 11:45pm and we are watching tv. Im tired and say im going to bed. She tells me its "only" 11:45 and she is not going to bed yet. I wake up at 5:30am for work....and shes not in bed. She had the energy and time to put the dogs in their cage...but slept on the couch instead. Last night i went to bed again at 11:30 for I had been up since 5:30am. Her sister and sisters friend where here last night visiting and drinking. She told me she would be in bed later...4am and she crawls in bed which wakes me and she says "its 4am, early morning for me!" and crawls in bed...but without even attempting to give me a good night kiss or anything.

 

But.....when she came in there...she plugged her phone in and walked out of the room for a few. I reached over and looked at her phone and text messages....found her texting a "guy friend" about a variety of things. About how she is salary (which she isnt) and was tired from doing a habitat for humanity thing on thursday....then it was mindless drivel but one text from her saying "wish i could be cuddled up next to you" and seeing her sending her selfies to him over and over that she sends me? WTF....

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benjamin100

Concreteman, you and I are clearly experiencing the a perfect example of self-centred female callousness in it's extreme form. My immense respect for you bro'.

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I have no money due to her spending. The condo we live in is totally in her name along with all the bills. So I have nothing tying me to this place.

 

Go. There are plenty of frugal women out there. Look for one (this is important) who has been living on her own taking care of herself for a few years who does not have a new car or fancy apartment and isn't carrying a designer purse or wearing designer clothes, and that is very likely a sensible woman who will make a good partner. There are plenty of women who think they have to look like they are rich when they're not, but if you just know a little about fashion, they're easy to spot. Those women will be in debt up to their eyeballs because that stuff is expensive.

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xpaperxcutx

The one thing that stood out for me about your relationship is why you are sharing a joint account with your girlfriend when you are not even married?

 

As a woman, I've been told to protect myself, physically and emotionally. Yet, as a man, aren't you suppose to protect your dignity and your wallet?

 

I'm not saying every woman is a golddigger or a sponge, but she has no right to spend your money like that. Your gf sounds very spoiled and you need to stop sharing your income with her when she can't even contribute to this relationship.

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You're in a ****ty relationship because you choose to be. You're post is a list of excuses why you stay, but truth is you stay because you choose to.

 

Two choices bro:

1. Stay and be miserable

2. Leave and find happiness

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Concreteman78

I am venting...I am compiling ways to get out. The only reason I haven't left yet is I have no where to go and no money to get out. Like I said in previous posts....she spends money like it grows on trees. And with my check going into (my mistake) joint account. She has spent it all. So give me time and I will get out. I just need enough to get an apt....and I am looking at them.

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xpaperxcutx
I am venting...I am compiling ways to get out. The only reason I haven't left yet is I have no where to go and no money to get out. Like I said in previous posts....she spends money like it grows on trees. And with my check going into (my mistake) joint account. She has spent it all. So give me time and I will get out. I just need enough to get an apt....and I am looking at them.

 

Stop putting your checks in the joint account. If she starts questioning why your money isn't there, make up some excuse about how you haven't been paid or that your family needs the money. Then when you save up enough and have enough for a small apartment, pack up everything and leave. She does not deserve an explanation for why you are leaving her.

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Concreteman78

There will be no excuses on my paycheck not going into the account. She is friends with my boss and they text constantly.....

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There will be no excuses on my paycheck not going into the account. She is friends with my boss and they text constantly.....

 

Tell the boss you're planning a surprise for your partner and need to have your wages split, with a significant sum going into a separate account for the surprise.

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There will be no excuses on my paycheck not going into the account. She is friends with my boss and they text constantly.....

 

Your boss has no right to disclose your paycheck to a third party, that includes your girlfriend. Thats private to you. If they do you can sue.

 

Change the account, put money into joint account to cover the bills, put as much as you can into savings and get the hell out.

 

Your other half is boarder line affair. If not all the way affair.

 

She shows you no respect at all in any way shape or form. She is avoiding you in every way possible except your money. Get the hell out.

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salparadise
There will be no excuses on my paycheck not going into the account. She is friends with my boss and they text constantly.....

 

Uh, that's distasteful. Be assertive and don't make excuses. When she asks why you haven't made your paycheck available, just say... broke ain't working for me, so I've decided to make a few changes. Deliver it in a neutral tone that presumes that you have the right to self determination. Expect fallout and don't engage. This will effectively be putting her on notice that you aren't in kansas anymore. Then be cool and do not reveal your master plan.

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Concreteman78

Well.....I went out and got me an apt on the complete opposite side of town today. I can move in friday. My boss is letting everyone off at noon that day. So my plan is to go pick up a uhaul and two of my coworkers are gonna come help me get all my stuff out in a big hurry before she comes home.

 

Sad part is she is making plans for us for dinner at her condo and having her dad, step mom, brother and sister over then to cosmic bowling on Friday night....then she's having a jewelry party at her condo Saturday.

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