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How often do women settle for someone they aren't attracted to


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LookAtThisPOst

I saw this discussion on a blog somewhere, and it was apparently pointed towards women who have, due to maybe friends/family getting married all around them or reached or certain age (or both).

 

Would settle for a guy, in wedlock, to a man they weren't really all that physically attracted to.

 

The marriage is pretty much probably over as she winces through the honeymoon and there's some kind of resentment on her part that she just "settled."

 

My question though is, how often does this happen? How many women that you know of that had perhaps decided, "Okay, I usually don't like to date bald guys, but I just did reach 40 and well, that bald guy Ted is 'nice' and he's been asking me out plenty of times, so I think I'll settle for him."

 

Thoughts?

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samantha_t85

I don't personally know any women who have married someone they're not at all attracted to. Or if they did, then they don't make it known.

 

As for me, I would not and did not! H is easily the best-looking man I've ever been with and I'm crazy about him!

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OP, it's impossible to know with any certainty but, if I had to guess, women settle for guys they're not strongly attracted to a lot less now than in our cultural past. They have far more freedom and independence now and with that comes choice and, frankly, I'm glad they have it. I certainly wouldn't want some woman gritting her teeth and suffering through a marriage to a guy she didn't really want to be with beyond it fitting some social or familial formula.

 

In the realm of the man/woman of the moment, I trust such settling may occur occasionally but that is transitory and can happen to anyone, gender notwithstanding, and I seriously doubt long-term settling occurs at any significant rate. I certainly haven't seen that in my demographic, where women are assertive in replacing partners they deem insufficient for whatever reason. They have choices and use them.

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Rejected Rosebud

I think if people are getting older and they want to get married the instance of what you call settling probably happens with men or women equally. But maybe it's not what you think, maybe when you get older you have different priorities than big physical attraction. What do you think yourself, how important is physical attraction to you when you are looking for a girlfriend at your age?

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If I'm honest, my exes were not the most attractive. It was noticeable enough that some of my ruder ex-friends would comment asking why I was with such an ugly guy. That didn't sit well with me.

 

I've always been realistic about what I'm capable of, and about what's important to me. Personality is waaaay more important to me than looks, and I don't think it's realisitc for me to be able to get a guy who is both good looking AND has a great personality, so I make it easy on myself and screen based just on personality and hygiene. No point in worrying about looks.

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todreaminblue

My first relationship was a relationship of convenience.....i went out with him because i was being harrassed by others....and i had sympathy for him he didnt hard core chase me and seemed to be respectful...he helped street kids and was generous to a fault..........lasted three years....i was really young minded thought i was so mature...the fact was i couldnt deal with men at all.....i felt unsafe.......i lived alone and i was scared......things had happened and i felt vulnerable

 

anyway it didnt work....I wouldnt enter into a relationship of convenience again.....i wouldnt settle for just a guy again and i can look after myself....dont care how scared i am...if i dotn love them completely in every way ...i wont be with that guy....its not fair on the guy or me.......deb

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I don't think that this starts to happen until women are 30+. It's when they are tired of being used by the players and hot guys.

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autumnnight

I never settled for anyone who I wasn't attracted true and didn't desire. I did, however, settle for someone who didn't really love or desire ME. It wasn't exactly conscious, though looking back I ignored that gut feeling that what he really wanted was a helper, roommate, and possibly a "beard." I was way too naive.

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As many women that initiate divorce. So that's roughly 60% of them. Women trade up in their marriages but 80% of women want the top 20% of men. Not every one gets commitment from their top preference alpha. Women settle for the beta provider leading to divorce. What women say and do are totally different things.

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autumnnight
As many women that initiate divorce. So that's roughly 60% of them. Women trade up in their marriages but 80% of women want the top 20% of men. Not every one gets commitment from their top preference alpha. Women settle for the beta provider leading to divorce. What women say and do are totally different things.

 

It is weird that someone who is a woman would choose a screen name like apeMAN. I say this because if you are a man you cannot possibly know what is in every woman's mind.

 

I do not think most women settle, at least not knowingly. I had no real idea when I married that I was marrying an asexual man who did not want to provide for his family and wanted me to make all the decisions. But that was how it happened. I do think there are some women who start hearing the clock tick so loudly that they just choose any man who will have them. While they are in the minority, I DO think that is terribly unfair to the man.

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It is weird that someone who is a woman would choose a screen name like apeMAN. I say this because if you are a man you cannot possibly know what is in every woman's mind.

 

I do not think most women settle, at least not knowingly. I had no real idea when I married that I was marrying an asexual man who did not want to provide for his family and wanted me to make all the decisions. But that was how it happened. I do think there are some women who start hearing the clock tick so loudly that they just choose any man who will have them. While they are in the minority, I DO think that is terribly unfair to the man.

 

True no one can know whats on a woman's mind but your actions speak louder than your thoughts. Roughly 60% of divorced are initiated by women .That speaks louder than anything.

 

Most women settle because they cannot get the top guy. This is because they stupidly believe that the top man is waiting for them when they turn 30 and will be provided to them on a silver platter. This only ends up as dissapointment as they settle in their 30's.

 

Whether you do it consciously or not is a different question. That is the difference between logic and emotions. When emotions run you, you make dumb decisions. You can rationalize your emotions but you cant be rational with your emotions.

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New to the Forum:

 

I think there are clear examples of women "settling", or rather "gold-digging" when the partner isn't a "hottie"; just look at one, short, pudgy, older guy (with a very large NET WORTH) with a tall, hot, young woman....Yes, a stereotype but where I live I see it on a DAILY basis.

 

It isn't gender-specific. There are certainly other examples of the opposite (older, wealthy woman with a younger, fit man).

 

Day-to-day with the rest of us "mortals", I don't think there is anyway to quantify the incidence.

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I can't think of anyone, OP. I've heard some women say they "had just settled" after their marriage didn't work out. I guess I was always under the impression they were just saying that to make themselves feel better.

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autumnnight

I settled in that I stayed for a long time after the truth of my marriage became clear. I think that may be a better picture of what can happen to both men and women. I mean, how many men dated women who were all over them before marriage only to stop after the honeymoon or after the kids came? They weight their options and stay and settle. Women do this too. But I really don;t think there is this bevy of women thinking, "Hey, I'll date that boring guy I feel nothing for with the good job and then screw my trainer!"

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But I really don;t think there is this bevy of women thinking, "Hey, I'll date that boring guy I feel nothing for with the good job and then screw my trainer!"

 

Learn to observe people's actions rather than listen to what they say.

 

I agree that very few people go into that as a conscious choice but if you look at people's actions, you will see that exactly this does happen A LOT.

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Agree. Women have a lot to gain from an affair. First they get to have an affair discretely without any consequences unless its found out. Second even if she gets impregnated, there is always the husband to take care of the child and the government will contribute its share with child support. Its a win - win situation.

 

A lot of this is subconscious but when reality hits them its like the Lewinsky tragedy !

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what if he's got a lot of $$$ or a big schlong. you know, having sex with a young good looking woman gets old after a while, it also gets old for her too.

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I believe "settling" happens but I think that many on hindsight realise that they settled, as opposed to thinking that at the time.

I think that not many will deliberately forge relationships with people they are genuinely not attracted to, but I do believe as time goes on, that attraction fails for some reason and the cracks appear and suddenly they come out with "well I just settled for you anyway..."

I am not saying that pure gold diggers of both sexes do not exist, but I think they are less common than perhaps is imagined.

 

There is also a misconception that women ALL want the alpha guy and that they settle for the beta.

But dating is about finding someone to marry, have children with and have a nice life with, and for that job the stereotypical alpha stud (who may have all the young girls hearts aflutter) actually doesn't tend to match up.

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It's not something I could ever do. I have /certain physical features that were an absolute must for me. If a guy didn't fit that, he wouldn't get a look in. Although with maturity and life experience, I'd be looking for a whole lot more in addition, were I ever to be single again.

 

I have a friend now divorced, who said she settled for her H. Not so much in terms of looks, but his overall aspirations in life. She was getting to the age, biological clock ticking and didn't want to miss out on motherhood.

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I saw this discussion on a blog somewhere, and it was apparently pointed towards women who have, due to maybe friends/family getting married all around them or reached or certain age (or both).

 

Would settle for a guy, in wedlock, to a man they weren't really all that physically attracted to.

 

The marriage is pretty much probably over as she winces through the honeymoon and there's some kind of resentment on her part that she just "settled."

 

My question though is, how often does this happen? How many women that you know of that had perhaps decided, "Okay, I usually don't like to date bald guys, but I just did reach 40 and well, that bald guy Ted is 'nice' and he's been asking me out plenty of times, so I think I'll settle for him."

 

Thoughts?

 

Happens often if the guy has $$$$$$$

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autumnnight
what if he's got a lot of $$$ or a big schlong. you know, having sex with a young good looking woman gets old after a while, it also gets old for her too.

 

I hate the word shlong. It's almost as weird as vjayjay

 

But not quite.

 

Ha! Remember when Billy Crystal called Meg Ryans ex Sheldon the wonder shlong?

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I know someone who did this. She was under a lot of pressure to get married and told him she would only marry him if he lost weight! He agreed. A few months after the wedding, he started to put on weight and the whole family was upset with him! Poor bloke can't enjoy his food anymore as they are always on his case!! They are attracted to eachother now in other ways I am sure, because the love between them has grown, but she still settled because of the pressure. I don't know his reasons. Obviously he doesn't mind sneaking off to eat his favourite food elsewhere. :eek:

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haribogumsnickers

OP be sure this Ted's last name isn't Bundy. I say go for it. He's nice and you deserve to be happy even if he's bald.

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WomenWubber

I think life is like playing poker.

 

You gotta know when to settle, but in the end it's not about holding the best cards. It's about playing those you hold well.

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