Nikki Sahagin Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I was thinking how the dynamic of most relationships I know is as follows: Phase 1: Man wildly pursues woman; woos her, compliments her, dines her, flatters her - woman falls wildly in love Phase 2: Man thinks 'yay I have woman' and stops making effort. The woman begins to fill the gaps. She treats her man, organises the dates, buys the presents, writes the cards, makes suggestions for where she wants to go. Wooing, spontaneity, compliments and flattery become rarer or stop altogether. Phase 3: The woman continues to maintain the relationship, largely one sided. Inside, she grows resentful and angry. Perhaps she pulls back from sex. Phase 4: Either the woman voices her concerns and the man returns to phase one, the couple continue on in phase 3 or the woman leaves. What do you think? I see this often in relationships. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Alot of men stop trying once they have the woman in a committed relationship. This is why you hear women complaining "well he's not like how we was when we first met/dating" Yeah because he's not trying to win you over anymore, he's got you. And the woman stays because she's hoping he goes back to guy that he was when they first met but that's never happening Link to post Share on other sites
NGC1300 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) This is exactly why men shouldn't have to chase, woo, wine and dine women. Instead, both genders ought to contribute equally, starting in the dating phase. It's not right to expect men to put on some act just to win the woman over, and then expect him to keep up with this burden while the woman contributes significantly less. Edited March 14, 2015 by NGC1300 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 This is exactly why I recommend to men to keep up that courting behavior (not daily, but regularly) as it fuels her "in love" feelings and sexual desire. It's a positive feedback loop. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
NGC1300 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 This is exactly why I recommend to men to keep up that courting behavior (not daily, but regularly) as it fuels her "in love" feelings and sexual desire. It's a positive feedback loop. Right. Place that expectation only on the man, because as it turns out, women love the things men do for them, but they don't love the man. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Phase 3: The woman continues to maintain the relationship, largely one sided. Inside, she grows resentful and angry. Perhaps she pulls back from sex. "Perhaps"? Denying sex is the ultimate weapon women use in committed relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Pro tip: Start only the relationships you want to start and behave in them the way you want to behave. If you 'do things' for a woman, they are gifts, not an accounting exercise. If she chooses to love the things rather than the man, she does. Everyone has choices and no one is required to be anyone's slave or subordinate. Gain power through exercise of choice. I followed the mantra of equality in marriage and felt it was both parties responsibility to maintain the marriage. Minds did not meet so my name is in the family court records under the dissolution column. That's OK. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 For either gender, it can feel like "bait and switch" when someone acts one way during the courtship, and another way after the relationship is established. There are many of these stereotypes for each gender. People feel loved in different ways. If you (man or woman) stop doing the things that made them feel loved during the courtship (time, gifts, words, sex, acts of service), don't be surprised if love fades and resentment grows. If you want to stay happy together, keep it up! Complacency kills. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Right. Place that expectation only on the man, because as it turns out, women love the things men do for them, but they don't love the man. Ummm....no. In a healthy relationship, both should enjoy doing things for the other and being there for the other. I think the OP is an over-generalization. Men may stop buying flowers, women tend to expand after kids. The key is to remember a relationship is a living thing. You don't tend it, it dies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Phase 1: Man wildly pursues woman; woos her, compliments her, dines her, flatters her - woman falls wildly in love Curious if men can explain why they do stop doing these things once in a relationship, if they do. Are they no longer inspired to excite her? (again, not all the time. But regularly) Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Well, that's the gist of my relationships, but not relating to courtship stuff. I actually expect the courtship stuff to wane to some degree. Ive pretty much carried my relationships in many ways. I'm done with that! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Curious if men can explain why they do stop doing these things once in a relationship, if they do. Are they no longer inspired to excite her? (again, not all the time. But regularly) Dunno, I was pretty consistent right up until I gave her the middle finger. Made homemade V-day and B-day cards, breakfast in bed, even learned how to do those foot bath/massage things. Stuff like that. It was everyday stuff of being married to me. Same with prior relationships, though I think I calmed things down a bit before the marriage period because women around here found such gestures to be 'hokey' to use the word one provided me. Now an old male long-haired cat gets the benefit of 'grooming' and is published in my Christmas newsletter. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Curious if men can explain why they do stop doing these things once in a relationship, if they do. Are they no longer inspired to excite her? (again, not all the time. But regularly) The flip side is what is the man getting in return for showing his affections. If I continue doing those things, but the sex dries up, she gets fat, and I get no reciprocation, I'll stop doing those things. There's always another side to when this happens, because that's exactly what happened to me. A woman needs to continue to be worthy of my continued affections. She is not automatically entitled to them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chelle21689 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Sadly it is the truth, but shouldn't be that way. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I was thinking how the dynamic of most relationships I know is as follows: Phase 1: Man wildly pursues woman; woos her, compliments her, dines her, flatters her - woman falls wildly in love Phase 2: Man thinks 'yay I have woman' and stops making effort. The woman begins to fill the gaps. She treats her man, organises the dates, buys the presents, writes the cards, makes suggestions for where she wants to go. Wooing, spontaneity, compliments and flattery become rarer or stop altogether. Phase 3: The woman continues to maintain the relationship, largely one sided. Inside, she grows resentful and angry. Perhaps she pulls back from sex. Phase 4: Either the woman voices her concerns and the man returns to phase one, the couple continue on in phase 3 or the woman leaves. What do you think? I see this often in relationships. This happens of course, but I don't think it's across the board. It happens often. Even most relationship books are geared towards women and teaching women what to do to make a relationship work etc. And often there is a view that women are the homemakers and should keep everyone afloat in the home and goes often from gf/wife to just house mom for everyone...but I think you do have couples that are actual partners where BOTH are conscientious about putting in the work and effort, who still continue to date their SO even after they've gotten them, try to maintain the romance, make running the home equal and so on. It's about the individuals and their dynamic, how they see relationships, the work they're willing to put in. My aunt and uncle for example have been married for almost 16 years now and they are the cutest, they still date each other essentially, they take vacations together, she surprises him often with things he likes, he surprises her often, brings her flowers, desserts, things she likes regularly and all that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 What food does the most to kill a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 What food does the most to kill a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake. This is absolutely true. After my wedding day with my xWW, the most sex I ever got was when we were trying to conceive our daughter. After that, sex was kissed goodbye. Numerous studies have shown that couples who cohabitate, but do not marry, have more sex than both married couples and singles. This is one of the many reasons why I have no issues with my GF moving in with me this summer, but why I will never marry her. Thankfully, she completely agrees with me and has no desire to get married either. The funny thing is, she comments on how awesome our sex life is more than I do. My money is mine, and her money is hers. We are entitled to our own lives and passions, and we still choose to walk through life together. We're allowed to be our own individual selves, yet we support each other. No marriage required. What possible incentive could there be for me to get married? BTDT. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 What food does the most to kill a woman's sex drive? Wedding cake. That's the joke, but it's a chicken and egg thing. Sometimes the man gets relationship lazy first, sometimes the woman, and sometimes both. If my H got relationship lazy, I'd probably lose my desire for him, too. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 That's the joke, but it's a chicken and egg thing. Sometimes the man gets relationship lazy first, sometimes the woman, and sometimes both. If my H got relationship lazy, I'd probably lose my desire for him, too. To be fair, this is true. It's not always the woman's fault. I've been on enough relationship forums to know that it's a two way street. I'd say that when a person of a specific gender becomes relationship lazy, they display specific behaviors and traits that are easy to identify. Men latch onto the ones women display, and vice versa. The catch is for a person to know what those traits are that the opposite gender displays when they become relationship lazy, and to avoid putting oneself in that position in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Ha ha, had to laugh, remembering 'the morning after' our wedding, looking out the window at the sunrise of the house we had rented on the beach on Oahu where we had been married in the garden the day before. This is the first day of the rest of your life buddy... That was when I was still deep into romance, comparitively. Life taught lessons, especially about it taking two. Good lessons they were. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 If I am with a guy and he stops 'dating' me then well, why should I stick around? I am loving. attentive. tactile, caring and empathetic. I also want to have fun and mutual respect - that's a given. If I get together with a man and he reverts to baby boy hoping I will 'be his mum' type behaviour there's not much reason for me to stay is there? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 That's the joke, but it's a chicken and egg thing. Sometimes the man gets relationship lazy first, sometimes the woman, and sometimes both. If my H got relationship lazy, I'd probably lose my desire for him, too. I don't know if it is a chicken in egg thing. From what I have seen and heard about, many women just lose their desire for sex no matter what the man is doing, no matter how hard he tries. By far the most common problem men have in relationships is the woman not wanting sex. So I thought it was ironic with the notion of women maintaining a relationship when she refuses sex, causing it to fall apart. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 So I thought it was ironic with the notion of women maintaining a relationship when she refuses sex, causing it to fall apart. Exactly. A relationship should always be a two way street. Meaning, both partners should be contributing to the relationship. If one is not contributing, then end it and move on. If I am with a guy and he stops 'dating' me then well, why should I stick around? I am loving. attentive. tactile, caring and empathetic. I also want to have fun and mutual respect - that's a given. If I get together with a man and he reverts to baby boy hoping I will 'be his mum' type behaviour there's not much reason for me to stay is there? When you both have full time jobs, kids, bills to pay, groceries to buy, dinner to cook, and chores to do, it's realistic that the "dating" you will have to take a backseat to other, more pressing matters. That's not to say that the dating completely stops (because it shouldn't), but life is a series of priorities and obligations. One must realistically look at how life actually is versus how we want it to be. Or in my case, my xWW didn't work full time a good portion of our marriage, did nothing around the house, laid around and got fat, stopped having sex with me, and still expected me to carry the burden of wooing her. Yeah, I'm not going to waste my time "dating" someone like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I don't know if it is a chicken in egg thing. From what I have seen and heard about, many women just lose their desire for sex no matter what the man is doing, no matter how hard he tries. By far the most common problem men have in relationships is the woman not wanting sex. So I thought it was ironic with the notion of women maintaining a relationship when she refuses sex, causing it to fall apart. It may not have been what you've seen because of confirmation bias: noticing and remembering anecdotes that support our own beliefs. If you heard the woman's side, a lot of times the reason she lost interest in sex is due to a change in the man's behavior. And he'll say his behavior changed because she lost interest in sex. Relationships are complicated that way, and we don't easily understand the other person's point of view. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) I was thinking how the dynamic of most relationships I know is as follows: Phase 1: Man wildly pursues woman; woos her, compliments her, dines her, flatters her - woman falls wildly in love Phase 2: Man thinks 'yay I have woman' and stops making effort. The woman begins to fill the gaps. She treats her man, organises the dates, buys the presents, writes the cards, makes suggestions for where she wants to go. Wooing, spontaneity, compliments and flattery become rarer or stop altogether. Phase 3: The woman continues to maintain the relationship, largely one sided. Inside, she grows resentful and angry. Perhaps she pulls back from sex. Phase 4: Either the woman voices her concerns and the man returns to phase one, the couple continue on in phase 3 or the woman leaves. What do you think? I see this often in relationships. There have been studies showing that many women start to experience a decrease in their sex drive as soon as the need for pair bonding is satisfied. So in effect, by giving a woman what she wants - security, loyalty, emotional support, love - a man is sabotaging his own sex life. My biggest complaint about women is that the first option is almost always to blame the man. But are men the ones who generally experience dramatic hormone swings that have a huge affect on emotions? No. Are we the ones who get bitchy for up to week out the month like clockwork? No. So let me tell you how it went for me: Phase 1: Man woos woman - 1/2 yr Phase 2: Man and woman get married. - 1/2 day Phase 3: Woman starts cutting man off on wedding night. Phase 4: Man believes lies and is convinced it is all his fault...whatever it is - 20 years Phase 5: Man puts gun to his head. I had to damn near kill myself before it sunk in. It was all bs. It was all one big lie. Stop blaming men and take responsibility for your own life. Women have been brainwashed into automatically blaming men for damn near everything. And we often fall for it. Edited March 14, 2015 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
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