The "damsel in distress": Do men like assisting women?

[Phoe]

I wanted to say do men like "helping" women, but that word is not allowed in titles!

 

 

This is a concept that I was never introduced to until very recently.

 

The idea that men enjoy helping a woman and that a part of that masculine/feminine balance in dating comes from a man feeling that he is "needed" so to speak.

 

It's been suggested to me before that my independent nature is offputting to men. I do things myself. I am very handy. Build, fix, lift, etc, I can do it all. I know stranger to tools and am strong enough to lift heavy things, and am not afraid to get dirty.

 

In the past, I thought that this would make me attractive to men. The fact that they wouldn't have to do anything for me, that I would be super easy to be with and no work, that I would be able to take care of anything and everything myself, I always thought it would be a MAJOR selling point, but it's been pointed out to me that this is not true, and I'm starting to see some logic.

 

However... I don't think it's that cut and dry. I think there's definitely a limit to it.

 

I've tried it out. Doing less stuff on my own and having men do those things instead.

 

I've noticed mostly neutral results, but a few negative ones. A few of "why the hell are you asking me to do this inane crap just do it yourself" attitudes. And I'm not asking for really arduous tasks, just simple things that take 2 seconds and just a lift of the hand... but when a man isn't expecting it, I can see why it would grate on him.

 

So I am led to believe it's a balance between doing everything myself, and asking others to help... that balance is to go ahead and do things myself, but if someone OFFERS help, to accept.... but never ask, because asking will likely inconvenience someone.

 

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

[lgspot]

Phoe,

I like strong, intelligent, and independent women.

By the same token, I enjoy helping a woman when she asks.

[Els]

Definitely depends on whether it was offered. Generally I think the best balance is to be able to do it yourself, but to graciously accept if someone offers. Within reason, of course.

 

I usually only ask where it's physically impossible - as much as I try, I'm not going to be able to get the item off the top shelf without a stool.

[Dybbuk]

I personally think a man wanting and being able to help a woman is a positive trait exhibited by men and should be nurtured by a woman. I can't speak for all men and women, but I know from experience my boyfriend likes to offer his help where he can. I think in a way it allows him to demonstrate his capability of taking care of/protecting me, and a way for him to show his love.

 

Now that's not to say we as woman need to play the part up of the damsel who can't do sh*t for herself because that gets annoying to put up with! However I think there is a balance between graciously accepting help when a man offers AND at the same time showing him that he's with a capable human being who will pull her own weight.

 

There's two extremes...

 

The lazy 'princess' who sits on the couch barking at her BF in the other room to fetch her a glass of water... oh and while he's up could he bring her cellphone into the living room... and oh don't forget the charger. Oh! ... I need to order dinner, can you get me my purse. That's turning the guys willingness to help into becoming a slave.

 

vs. the other extreme.

 

The strong 'I don't need no man' woman who stubbornly refuses her man's help when he offers, scoffs if he can't open the pickle jar and will try to yank it from his hands to do it herself. Critiques his efforts when he does help, and makes him feel like his presence there makes no difference to her.

 

As a woman, I personally try to do the following to show my appreciation for my BF's help...

-I say thank you. For the simplest things. If he gets me a glass of water, buys the tea I like so I have a stash at his apartment, makes suggestions for a problem I'm having...I show gratitude. That alone will encourage your man to help, and for him not to be 'annoyed' if you need to ask for it.

-I try not to criticize him when he's trying to help. If he's making an effort to help me, I don't make him feel bad and tell him all the things he's doing wrong. Ex: We got a shelf and put it together. I noticed he was trying to make a mark on the wall with a pen that wasn't going to work. Instead of sitting on the sidelines while he's the one trying to put this shelf up saying "You can't use that pen, it won't make a mark. What are you doing?".... I went and found him a pencil, and asked "Hey baby do you want to try this?"

-I reciprocate. I try to help him where I can. I don't insist on it if he would like to take care of it himself. Guys take a lot of pride in getting the 'job done'. However if I see something I can help him with I take the reigns and show him I can pull my own weight and will make life easier for him too.

 

If your man feels appreciated and feels like his woman gives back then you'll have a guy who is more than happy to help you if you ask for it, and will often offer his help if you think he needs it. Learn to accept his help and reach out to him. It makes him feel good! Just remember you can still be that strong woman and help him when he needs it.

[carhill]

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

In the past, I liked helping women a lot, probably to my own detriment. Part was being socialized as a traditional man in the 'damsel in distress' area and part was having an intrinsic caretaking personality, not a particularly attractive trait in my generation of men. Nonetheless, probably until some arbitrary point midway in my M, so mid-late 40's, I was the go-to guy for women to get help from. It didn't depend whether they asked or I offered.

 

Nowadays, things are far different. I only help out if I recognize a need/desire and feel like offering *and* the woman and I have a history. My best friend's sister is a great example. She'd come over unannounced and work like a dog at a rental I'd be rehabbing, bringing her own supplies and refusing to take money for anything, simply because I was her brother's best friend. Now, down the road, she's fighting cancer so I will check up on her, either directly or through her brother, and identify areas where I can help and then simply go do it and take care of whatever needs taking care of, even if it's simply sitting and talking with her.

 

It's been suggested to me before that my independent nature is offputting to men. I do things myself. I am very handy. Build, fix, lift, etc, I can do it all. I know stranger to tools and am strong enough to lift heavy things, and am not afraid to get dirty.

 

Here's a key aspect about this stuff..... since attraction is a two-way street and no personality characteristic lives alone, while I could state that I find a strong and independent woman attractive, there are personality characteristics in play which cause that statement and perspective and, while it might seem simple, it's not. Along with that, other related characteristics attend that support and facilitate that kind of attraction style and it, and the woman's attraction style, must align or it'll be a miss.

 

IWO, if you're not attracted to the kind of man who finds an independent woman attractive, bzzzt, end. I personally don't think there's adequate space nor time to adequately explain the nuances of that particular dance in interpersonal relationships. This sometimes is alluded to where role reversals are discussed, like when a man becomes a stay at home dad and the woman becomes the breadwinner and how attraction attends to that role reversal, both in type and potential change.

 

My best boring advice is to keep doing what you do and whoever shows up and appreciates you for your authentic self and finds that self attractive are your potentials in life. You're young so there's a lifetime of them to meet.

[hotpotato]

Yep.

 

For example, if a woman wants a man attention at the gym, she need only ask for his help in some way (explicitly or walking around not knowing what she's doing). I guess if the woman were constantly asking for help that would be annoying, but the wondering around aimlessly and using equipment improperly seems to be enough. I guess that's striking some kind of balance???

 

Maybe check out EmK's blog. He did an article about this not long ago.

 

As far as relationships, men want to feel like they can add to your life.

 

I've concluded part of my problems with men is because I don't need their help. It's very easy for me to outdo average man. In the past, I dated macho football types. I don't know back then, but I was on the right track. The downside is that there are very few men like this.

[ascendotum]

Phoe,

I like strong, intelligent, and independent women.

By the same token, I enjoy helping a woman when she asks.

 

I do get the appeal of the woman in distress,and I guess for some guys (probably more so the nice/caring type guys) it gives them an in when it comes to appealing to the woman. It would lose its appeal though if she never got her shyte together and was always struggling or seemed to have a perpetual health problem that prevented her from coping.

 

At the same time like this guy, I too do like a independent capable resourceful woman, and I guess I could say my gfs have tended to lean on this side of the fence. If something breaks down I find it very appealing when the woman will pull it open or pop the bonnet to check it out and try fix it herself rather than stand there looking forlorn and expecting you to deal with it. I'm for an independent woman as long she maintains her feminine charm & nature and is not too strong on the I don't need a guy spirit and is appreciative of support without expecting it. I think its fine the way you are Phoe, but I would not call it a major selling point.

 

Though this may sound cynical I think the better looking you are (or compared to your partner) the more your gf/bf will go out of their way to do things to please you.

[Harradin]

I'd love it if a girl was handy, I'm useless with a spanner

 

I mostly break things, or do things like putting 5 litres of petrol in a 3 litre fuel tank!

[hotpotato]

I do get the appeal of the woman in distress,and I guess for some guys (probably more so the nice/caring type guys) it gives them an in when it comes to appealing to the woman. It would lose its appeal though if she never got her shyte together and was always struggling or seemed to have a perpetual health problem that prevented her from coping.

 

 

 

Though this may sound cynical I think the better looking you are (or compared to your partner) the more your gf/bf will go out of their way to do things to please you.

 

I cant say thats ever been true in my case. Its a great folly to assume a man will be nice because hes not as attractive. He may very well be clingy, mean, selfish, etc. Lets not assume dating unattractive men will cure dating woes. Oftentimes unattractive men are unpaired for reasons that go well beyond their looks.

 

From observation many successful couples look like each other, almost like siblings.

[Els]

I cant say thats ever been true in my case. Its a great folly to assume a man will be nice because hes not as attractive. He may very well be clingy, mean, selfish, etc. Lets not assume dating unattractive men will cure dating woes. Oftentimes unattractive men are unpaired for reasons that go well beyond their looks.

 

 

Agreed. Plenty of men are ugly both inside and out (although plenty of physically unattractive men are also wonderful people who were just dealt a bad genetic hand). Personality is largely independent of looks, IMO. Dating an unattractive person isn't going to stand you a better chance at having a good partner.

[preraph]

In retrospect, this is something I wish I'd fully understood earlier. Sadly even after one told me I didn't need him, it still didn't really click. I still don't understand how the hoochie he married not long after me "needed" him since her parents were rich. But it was more the fact she acted a certain way that made him think that.

 

I have a deficit in that area, especially when I was young and dating, because I grew up very autonomous, a country girl, with lots of experience rigging things up and with cars a little bit, a tomboy who rode horses and motorcycles. When I moved to the city, the men in my circle (music) were helpless compared to me. I remember when a retail customer locked himself out of his car, I waited for one of the guys to help them, but none of them knew what to do. So when I opened the door with a hanger, which literally everyone where I was from knew how to do, everyone thought I was a car thief.

 

Once I was at work and had a flat. There were four men in the parking lot trying to help me, including all the men over me in seniority. Between them, they couldn't figure out how to use the jack. I think I told them to get back to work and got the manual out and got it figured out eventually.

 

One of those was the guy who said I didn't need him.

[gaius]

I think we like feeling needed by women we're sexually attracted to, but I'm not sure how much sexual attraction will develop from a woman asking a guy to do things for her.

[MissBee]

I wanted to say do men like "helping" women, but that word is not allowed in titles!

 

 

This is a concept that I was never introduced to until very recently.

 

The idea that men enjoy helping a woman and that a part of that masculine/feminine balance in dating comes from a man feeling that he is "needed" so to speak.

 

It's been suggested to me before that my independent nature is offputting to men. I do things myself. I am very handy. Build, fix, lift, etc, I can do it all. I know stranger to tools and am strong enough to lift heavy things, and am not afraid to get dirty.

 

In the past, I thought that this would make me attractive to men. The fact that they wouldn't have to do anything for me, that I would be super easy to be with and no work, that I would be able to take care of anything and everything myself, I always thought it would be a MAJOR selling point, but it's been pointed out to me that this is not true, and I'm starting to see some logic.

 

However... I don't think it's that cut and dry. I think there's definitely a limit to it.

 

I've tried it out. Doing less stuff on my own and having men do those things instead.

 

I've noticed mostly neutral results, but a few negative ones. A few of "why the hell are you asking me to do this inane crap just do it yourself" attitudes. And I'm not asking for really arduous tasks, just simple things that take 2 seconds and just a lift of the hand... but when a man isn't expecting it, I can see why it would grate on him.

 

So I am led to believe it's a balance between doing everything myself, and asking others to help... that balance is to go ahead and do things myself, but if someone OFFERS help, to accept.... but never ask, because asking will likely inconvenience someone.

 

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

 

I don't think you should take that person or those person's overly grouchy response as the norm. Asking for help if you actually need it shouldn't lead someone to behave like that and I don't think you should use those people's behavior to say you should never ask because it will inconvenience them. If I'm dating a guy and request his help he's happy to help me because he cares about me. I've never had a man react negatively to that or act like I was inconveniencing him. If the time wasn't right or something he'd simply say sure, but can I do it at X time instead or something, I was never made to feel like I should only accept offered help but otherwise never ask or he'll snap at me about it.

 

I think damsel in distress is different from needing help sometimes, as we all do. Damsel in distress to me are women who are down on their luck or extremely needy of help and some men actually like that where this woman depends on them for everything or they love dating women they have to fix, just like some women seem to only like to date bums, jobless, homeless, emotionally unstable men or men otherwise needing of their assistance and lots of it too! Occasional help is a fact of life and is different from those who seem to need help in perpetuity, which to me is what a damsel in distress is.

 

I think more balanced relationships involve two people who can stand on their own and contribute positively to each other who aren't overly dependent but are a partnership and enjoy helping each other when it's needed.

 

I'm independent in that I am self sufficient living my own life and when I date a man he doesn't HAVE to support me financially. I'm also emotionally stable so he doesn't have to constantly coddle me in that aspect as well. But as far as the benefits of a relationship go, two heads are better than one, so it's more of a partnership where if they can do certain things to help me they do it and if I can do that for them I do it. Usually neither of us have to ask but it's volunteered and if I ask for help or he does, it is never a question of "Why the hell are you bothering me about this?!" but it's always been met with willingness in my experience from men who truly care about your well being.

Edited March 11, 2015 by MissBee

[Revolver]

I remember in HS one of the prettiest girls in school started bursting into tears near her locker and within 1 minute like dozens of dudes went to try and console her.

[Taramere]

Any opinions on this? Do men like helping women? Does it depend on whether you offered or whether she asked?

 

I'm not sure. Perhaps things are skewed a bit by people's perceptions of things like feminism and men's rights activism. Like some men will make a point of not helping a woman in order to make a point about feminism and feminism. However, it's always been my experience that if I'm really struggling then offers of help are more likely to come from other women rather than from men - and I've observed the same with other women. That women are more alert to signs of somebody needing assistance. Recall the case of Lara Logan in Egypt. It was other women and soldiers who came to her rescue. One group paid to keep order and to protect people....the other, driven purely by the instinct to rescue somebody who was in trouble. I often find myself being asked for help by other people (help with directions, etc) - and I think I'm approached far more for that sort of thing than most men I know are.

 

Of course, perhaps women are generally less threatening looking/more approachable for help. And perhaps sometimes men worry about offering assistance in case the offer of help is misconstrued. However, there are some situations that demonstrate very clearly who the natural helpers are and aren't. For instance, a couple of days ago I was walking down the street and this girl dropped some papers. It was a very windy day and the papers (which were obviously important) were blowing everywhere. About 7 of us immediately went out of our way to pick up pieces for her, and on that occasion we were all women. Any men in the vicinity just kept walking. For those who kept walking, there just wasn't the same helping instinct automatically kicking in.

 

I don't think that's particularly unusual - but for whatever reason, even though other women are probably more likely to respond to "damsels in distress" it's men who have the reputation for being drawn to that sort of thing. The ones I've met who are drawn to it tend to have a more nurturing, community minded quality about them....but men who are very into libertarianism, as many are - forget it.

 

I think the "men wanting to rescue damsels in distress" thing is based on fairytales really, the romance of knights in mediaeval times - and on wishful thinking on the part of women. In reality, men seem to be that bit more inclined to feel used, demeaned or foolish in any role in which they're acting as a helper....especially if they hope to score with a woman as a result of helping her, and fail to do so. So for me, I'm actually quite wary of asking men for help since I think a lot of them resent being put in that role.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Taramere

[hotpotato]

In retrospect, this is something I wish I'd fully understood earlier. Sadly even after one told me I didn't need him, it still didn't really click. I still don't understand how the hoochie he married not long after me "needed" him since her parents were rich. But it was more the fact she acted a certain way that made him think that.

 

I have a deficit in that area, especially when I was young and dating, because I grew up very autonomous, a country girl, with lots of experience rigging things up and with cars a little bit, a tomboy who rode horses and motorcycles. When I moved to the city, the men in my circle (music) were helpless compared to me. I remember when a retail customer locked himself out of his car, I waited for one of the guys to help them, but none of them knew what to do. So when I opened the door with a hanger, which literally everyone where I was from knew how to do, everyone thought I was a car thief.

 

Once I was at work and had a flat. There were four men in the parking lot trying to help me, including all the men over me in seniority. Between them, they couldn't figure out how to use the jack. I think I told them to get back to work and got the manual out and got it figured out eventually.

 

One of those was the guy who said I didn't need him.

 

Those feels. Ive come to the similar conclusion. Attracting a man is less about being smart and more about making a man feel needed. Thats why the "hoochie" or a woman who may to may appear very unattractive to me is very appealing to some men. They are very vulnerable abd have that "I need a mans assistance vibes." I guess this activates a mans inner batman lol.

[thefooloftheyear]

Ive always been that way...its in my nature as a guy....I mean, if I see a guy with a flat at the side of the road, I wont stop to help them..A woman? Sure..

 

And I dont look for anything, nor am I looking for a way to get my foot in the door..

 

Despite gender equality and feminism, I dont care how strong a woman claims she is(and I klnow some pretty strong women) I can tell you that most average and out of shape men can generate more sheer power than even strong/fit women...Ive been around gyms my whole life...Ive never seen a woman bench more than like 225, and I can do that in my sleep...And I am just an old man...

 

 

I do the same for old people as well..Just recently I saw a old woman who was struggling to get the hatch open on her SUV..It was frozen..I politely asked her if she needed help and she agreed and was quite thankful..

 

 

I think the only thing that is off-putting to some men is the extra fit, penis envy types that think men are useless and they can do absolutely anything a man can do...Then it gets ridiculous..

 

But I can't see how someone like the OP, who seems reasonable, should "soften up", to become more attractive? maybe I am missing the point, but it just seems unnecessary..

 

TFY

[TouchedByViolet]

Generally speaking I'm going to say yes. I remember walking through by neighborhood and seeing a lady with a flat tire. She was in the process of jacking up the side of her car. I asked her if she needed any help and she declined and made no indication of wanting help so I continued on my way. It is attractive that she knows what she was doing but it would have been nice to lend her a helping hand too. My presence was undesirable at the time I feel like.

[elaine567]

I remember in HS one of the prettiest girls in school started bursting into tears near her locker and within 1 minute like dozens of dudes went to try and console her.

 

OK but what would happen if the ugliest girl in the school burst into tears near her locker?

Do men assist "damsels in distress", only if they are pretty or hot?

[Rejected Rosebud]

But there is a difference between being a "damsel in distress" and a woman who knows when she could use some help and accepts it graciously!! I mean OP if you can do every single thing perfectly in your life all by yourself I can see a man wondering where he would fit in, I mean if you can and do all the manual repairs and that stuff maybe he could fill in the domestic roles if he was the type?? Not feeling needed is a pretty big problem for most guys, for some reason more than women, I have no idea why?? That said though a guy who is always rushing to the assistance of a damsel in distress is working with a different dynamic, so is the damsel!!

[Quiet Storm]

I think it depends on the guy. I think the family they grew up in and their parents dynamics influence this.

 

My husband is from traditional military family where the guys do the "manly" stuff.

 

I'm from a dysfunctional family where my dad was often out/drunk/drugged, so my mom did many things herself.

 

I am independent and as a child would do many things on my own, and I don't mind fixing things. My dad used to call me McGyver... I would rig forks to my boom box antenna so I could get radio stations from her e in Baltimore, DC & even a few from Philly. We were poor so when something of mine broke, I had to fix it because I wasn't getting another one.

 

So even though I am capable, I let my husband carry heavy things, reach high things, fix broken things, shovel snow, cut the grass, warm up the cars, drive if we are going somewhere together- because he likes to contribute in that way.

 

It has rubbed off on my sons, because they will now automatically offer to help. Their teachers have told me how they will offer to help carry things. My youngest notices the trash can getting full and puts the trash out and replaces the bag without even being told. My oldest works part time at a grocery store and always offers to round up the carts so the ladies don't have to go out in the cold.

 

So I think it very much depends on the guy and who has influenced his life.

[thefooloftheyear]

But there is a difference between being a "damsel in distress" and a woman who knows when she could use some help and accepts it graciously!! I mean OP if you can do every single thing perfectly in your life all by yourself I can see a man wondering where he would fit in, I mean if you can and do all the manual repairs and that stuff maybe he could fill in the domestic roles if he was the type?? Not feeling needed is a pretty big problem for most guys, for some reason more than women, I have no idea why?? That said though a guy who is always rushing to the assistance of a damsel in distress is working with a different dynamic, so is the damsel!!

 

 

Man or woman....No one can do it all...Not in a dynamic where there is a shared living arrangement, and certainly not where kids are involved...There just arent enough hours in a day, so the "feeling not needed" shouldnt be too much of an issue..

 

And the other thing is that, in general, there are less DID's and less chivalrous men...So it kind of balances out...I think 30 years ago, it might have been more of an issue, but not today...Today's men dont feel stupid if they arent handy, strong, or chivalrous...

 

It reminds me of a funny story...

 

A guy I know calls me recently to tell me that his daughter has a headlight bulb out and could I change it...Sure,...No sweat...Anyway, the girl comes up...She is driving and her bf is in the passenger seat..I change the bulb in less than a minute and they drive away...her driving and him, again, in the passenger seat...

 

Not that long ago, that guy would have been embarrassed like hell if he couldnt change the bulb....and would also probably be in the drivers seat...her car or not...Times change...

 

TFY

[rester]

I can't speak for all men, but I enjoy being helpful to women, and people in general.

 

My girlfriend is extremely independent and prides herself on doing absolutely everything for herself, many times to her own detriment. That is often difficult for me to understand and it's also difficult to stand aside without doing anything to help.

 

There's definitely a balance that is needed. I try to not offer help as much as I'd like to, and she tries to accept help graciously as much as she can.

[Woggle]

I like a woman who can be independent and hold her own but nobody likes feeling disposable and it's especially true in this age when men tend to hear the I don't need a man stuff. It makes us wonder why what we add to a woman's life.

[RedRobin]

I have gotten that message from past BFs before... That they didn't feel needed.

 

Problem is, I did need them... Just not for the things they wanted me to need them for.

 

Both of the men I am thinking of were pretty useless in the overall life skills area. Sure, they wanted to feel needed. Fine. Develop some competence doing some task... And do it better than me... I will then need you for it

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I gave them plenty of opportunities to help. But when they show no excitement at the task they ASK to help with... Then suck at doing it too... Well, I can thank them profusely for the effort, but next time... I will do it myself or hire someone.

 

Long story short... My impression of guys who like to be needed by their woman and resent the independent, competent women... clearly have too much time on their hands.. Are not competent themselves... Or are on a power trip and need someone who can't fend for herself in order to feel secure.

 

If I hear those words from a guy I am dating now, I tend to lose respect for him, and start looking for the exit door.