In an abusive relationship...is it worth it to move on?

[sweetbrokengrl]

So let me start by saying that I didn't ask for any of this. I did everything in my power to get away from my abusive boyfriend. I've never really gotten close to anyone...I completely avoided guys when I was a teenager because I knew what was out there and I wasn't interested in being disappointed. I've never had parents or family for that matter; I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and moved in with him after going through a string of bad foster homes.It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought I loved him and I had no other options. By the time I realized what he was like it was too late. There was no escaping. In fact, he has told me many times that he would never let me leave him, and he has kept to his word.

 

We had our first child when I was 18. We now have 3 kids which he has used to make sure I could never leave, because money doesn't appear out of nowhere when you're forced to be a full time mom. People like to tell you to leave...but those same people often have family and the financial resources to leave if they were in the same position. I left him several years ago and he managed to get out of paying for child support with threats, lies ,manipulation, and his charm. With the same tactics he was able to get full custody of our kids that he doesn't even watch; I didn't go to court because he threatened me. So not only does he not have to watch them, he also doesn't have to pay for them which leaves me absolutely no options. I'm not a pushover; I really did everything I could and that wasn't enough. The local womens shelter is completely unhelpful. It's messed up that when you're a good person, every terrible thing comes against you.

 

I've always been afraid of what he would do if I were ever able to move on. And what scares me more is the thought that there aren't better men out there. That there aren't faithful, honest, good men out there with morals and character or even one that would be comfortable with all I've been through.

Does it get better than this?? When the time comes that I can leave him , should I just stay with him because it doesn't.

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry you have been having a rough time. One thing that struck me is your need for a man. Another man after this one. How about you? Just you and the kids for a while? Picking up odd jobs, schooling, all not being with your abusive partner. I'm concerned that your thinking is unhealthy, like; if there is no better, I should just stay. That is very very sad, and lonely. You deserve so much better. A life that, On your death bed, you look back and are so proud of the change you made to leave him, and became happy. Happy with who you are.

 

Sending you healing vibes

[sweetbrokengrl]

I've seen this before. While I partially agree with you, I really don't get the whole..."You should be single for a long time before you date again because you have kids" thing. It's okay for anyone else to jump from relationship to relationship and for single dads to date again right after leaving the mother of their child/children. My mentality isn't that I need a man. I've dating exactly one guy in my lifetime. So I've definitely done the whole stay away from dating/ work on myself thing. And I definitely have aspirations, dreams and plenty of things to keep me busy. Including my babies. My logic is however that if the rest of the men out there only lie, cheat, and mistreat then is it really better to move on? And is it really to much to ask to have a good man in my life when I've never had anyone.?That's not desperation and I don't think it's unhealthy to want to meet a good man and get married. I'm a Christian and I've always wanted that. It's unhealthy to stay single your entire life. And if I thought that it doesn't get better then this...that is probably what I would do. I don't know a single person that has only dated one person or that would have made it through the things I've been through. I was hoping for a response along the lines of whether or not it does get better as far as men go.

[Lurkeraspect]

To answer your question: of course there are good men out there. There is also a way out of your current situation. It sounds like you've had a rough go of things, and went with the first guy who showed you any sort of love and affection because understandably, you've not had a lot (or any) in your life.

 

What you need is a plan, resources and birth control. Please do some googling for women's support groups in your area. They are out there and they will help you get yourself and your children away from this abusive man. That's the thing too, you're first priority is not yourself, rather protecting your babies.

 

Please keep posting here, I think you'll find a ton of emotional support and ideas to help you start again.

 

Hugs to you.

[preraph]

You're living in California, the land of emancipation for women. There are women's shelters literally around every corner. You have stayed in this when you could have gotten out because he threatened you. All you have to do is get an attorney and go hide somewhere safe and petition the court and he will have to pay child support and if you can show he's violent and if you yourself don't have some problem like substance abuse, you will likely get the kids. Even if you can't show he's violent, you will share custody.

 

All you have to do is call a women's shelter. They will help you plan your escape. 800-799-7233 is the domestic violence hotline. Call it when he's not around. Preferably when he can't see you've called it. Let them get you out of there. Good luck.

[sweetbrokengrl]

BS. Wow it is absolutely amazing how naive and unaware people are. First to the person that made a comment about birth control...I would never get pregnant by anyone else and I'd be more concerned about all of the stds going around. There aren't any resources here. That's crap. He got a lawyer to help him get custody of our kids...for free. That was after he sued someone that I know so that he could further isolate me. Nobody seems to have any concept of how that works though.

He beat the crap out of me one night with my 4 inch heels and a padlock. I was covered in bruises and bumps head to toe. I thought he was going to kill me. And that's not even close to the worst of it. I called 911. When the cop showed up, my boyfriend convinced the cop that I had scratched him. He had a tiny scratch on his arm that was self inflicted. I didn't have a chance to push him away let alone scratch him. The cop said that if I wanted him to go to jail, that I would be going as well.That was the last time I ever called. Police, courts and Lawyers are a joke out here. He could literally do anything he wants to me and get away with it.

[sweetbrokengrl]

I've been to the local Havens Womens Center. Several times actually. Every time they give me a form to fill out and tell me that they don't have any openings for counseling or for meeting a worker for several more months. And staying in a shelter is out of the question. He has custody of the kids. Getting my kids safely away from him is not an option.

[Lurkeraspect]

BS. Wow it is absolutely amazing how naive and unaware people are. First to the person that made a comment about birth control...I would never get pregnant by anyone else and I'd be more concerned about all of the stds going around. There aren't any resources here. That's crap. He got a lawyer to help him get custody of our kids...for free. That was after he sued someone that I know so that he could further isolate me. Nobody seems to have any concept of how that works though.

He beat the crap out of me one night with my 4 inch heels and a padlock. I was covered in bruises and bumps head to toe. I thought he was going to kill me. And that's not even close to the worst of it. I called 911. When the cop showed up, my boyfriend convinced the cop that I had scratched him. He had a tiny scratch on his arm that was self inflicted. I didn't have a chance to push him away let alone scratch him. The cop said that if I wanted him to go to jail, that I would be going as well.That was the last time I ever called. Police, courts and Lawyers are a joke out here. He could literally do anything he wants to me and get away with it.

 

Yes, I'm the person you called out for mentioning birth control, only because you have three kids with an abuser, and in the hope that you didn't make baby #4. You are not alone, and yes, you can find help to get you out of this mess.

 

This doesn't have to be your whole life.

 

How can we help you?

Edited March 6, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[anika99]

BS. Wow it is absolutely amazing how naive and unaware people are. First to the person that made a comment about birth control...I would never get pregnant by anyone else and I'd be more concerned about all of the stds going around. There aren't any resources here. That's crap. He got a lawyer to help him get custody of our kids...for free. That was after he sued someone that I know so that he could further isolate me. Nobody seems to have any concept of how that works though.

He beat the crap out of me one night with my 4 inch heels and a padlock. I was covered in bruises and bumps head to toe. I thought he was going to kill me. And that's not even close to the worst of it. I called 911. When the cop showed up, my boyfriend convinced the cop that I had scratched him. He had a tiny scratch on his arm that was self inflicted. I didn't have a chance to push him away let alone scratch him. The cop said that if I wanted him to go to jail, that I would be going as well.That was the last time I ever called. Police, courts and Lawyers are a joke out here. He could literally do anything he wants to me and get away with it.

 

 

Why are you concerned about finding a good man? That hardly seems to be your most pressing problem. The real tragedy in this situation is that this is what your kids are witnessing and how they are being raised. Why is that not your greatest concern? Do you want them to grow and be abused or become abusers?

 

 

I'm not sure I understand why the police threatened to put you in jail when you were the one covered in bumps and bruises or how your bf got full custody of your children. Usually for one parent to get full custody they have to prove the other parent unfit. Why was custody granted to him?

 

 

So you go to the local women's shelter and they tell you to fill out a form and wait for an opening for counselling and for meeting a worker and you do what? Just walk away? Your situation isn't magically going to get better in a few months so why the heck aren't you filling out those forms and waiting for your turn to see someone at the women's shelter? Sounds like when there is a blow up at your house you momentarily get upset enough to seek out help but then the storm blows over and you don't follow up. If you have to fill out forms, do some waiting and jump through some hoops to get help then that's what you have to do so do it.

 

 

When you do leave your husband, if you have your kids then they need to be your number one priority. They are being traumatized by this abusive relationship and they will need special care and attention for some time. Tending to their well being needs to come way before your need for a new man.

[elaine567]

Why are you concerned about finding a good man? That hardly seems to be your most pressing problem. The real tragedy in this situation is that this is what your kids are witnessing and how they are being raised. Why is that not your greatest concern? Do you want them to grow and be abused or become abusers?

 

 

I'm not sure I understand why the police threatened to put you in jail when you were the one covered in bumps and bruises or how your bf got full custody of your children. Usually for one parent to get full custody they have to prove the other parent unfit. Why was custody granted to him?

 

 

So you go to the local women's shelter and they tell you to fill out a form and wait for an opening for counselling and for meeting a worker and you do what? Just walk away? Your situation isn't magically going to get better in a few months so why the heck aren't you filling out those forms and waiting for your turn to see someone at the women's shelter? Sounds like when there is a blow up at your house you momentarily get upset enough to seek out help but then the storm blows over and you don't follow up. If you have to fill out forms, do some waiting and jump through some hoops to get help then that's what you have to do so do it.

 

 

When you do leave your husband, if you have your kids then they need to be your number one priority. They are being traumatized by this abusive relationship and they will need special care and attention for some time. Tending to their well being needs to come way before your need for a new man.

 

The OP may be very worried re the financial aspects of being a full time mum to three young children and having no partner long term and no family support either.

Her earning capacity may be very limited too, as I guess no formal education, being she got with the bf at 17 and had kids early doors.

[regine_phalange]

I'm sorry for your situation.

 

How did he get the custody? Did you sign and gave it to him? Can you do something now about taking it back? Are there any attorneys that volunteer for consulting women in your position?

 

Are there any kindergardens that you can leave the kids at while working 1 or 2 jobs so you can rent your own house?

Edited March 6, 2015 by regine_phalange

[BluEyeL]

The solution out of your situation stays in careful planning. You have to make a long term plan. That starts with your either going to school and then working or getting a job and saving enough money, building a stable enough situation for you. Then, you move out, even if you have to leave the kids behind. Get your own place and petition the court for custody at that time.

 

This sounds like a five year plan for you. At the end, you could be free and have custody of the kids as well.

 

Only after that you can afford to look for another life partner. yes, there are good men out there, but the dating seas are infested with a lot of sharks. To attract a good man, you have to be first stable on your own two feet and be very healthy emotionally. If you are not healthy emotionally, you are in danger of either jumping in the arms of another abuser, or having men just use you for sex and you allowing it etc. Being abused leaves traces.

 

Please start planning now and expect it'll take time, but if you do, you'll find yourself (and your children) stronger and happier in the end. I think the first step though would be to find a therapist and start making this plan.

[sweetbrokengrl]

Thank you Lurkeraspect. You actually thoroughly read my posts and didn't re-ask questions that I had already answered.

I know there will eventually be a way out, just not right now. And I'm thinking long-term.

[sweetbrokengrl]

Anika99....

 

As I previously mentioned, there's no getting the kids away from him. I'll back track a little. I moved in with him when I was 17 1/2. The abuse began 3 weeks later. I had no idea that he was a gang member. He was always really good at hiding things and I had never been around anyone like that. So it's safe to say that he had gotten plenty of experience hurting people and getting away with it. His father has always been very abusive, so it was pretty much ingrained in him at an early age.

 

 

Anyways, the abuse began pretty much right away. And it was hell. Afterwards he would lock me in the house so that I couldn't tell anyone and he subsequently wouldn't get arrested. Fast forward 14 months, and we have our first child. Which is when the incident of him beating me and I call 911 incident occurs.

 

By the way, people get away with crap like this all the time. It happens everywhere, I see it in the news all the time. In fact cops are often abusers themselves. Maybe I got unlucky and this paticular cop happened to be abusive to his SO and therefore decided not to arrest my bf. What happens is that a lot of abusive men are the ultimate con artists. The can manipulate and convince anyone of anything. Because the truth is that people only care about what looks and sounds good. We all get fooled sometimes. Some more so than others. But it's the reason guys like this get away with the things they do.

[Lurkeraspect]

Start here for assistance.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

[preraph]

You have to quit saying you can't and get an attorney!! I'm sorry the shelter didn't work out for you. There are many resources that can tell you how to leave and help you leave safely. But you have to be willing to take those steps. I believe you're holding yourself back.

 

Right now you can call Child Protective Services. It may take them some time, but they will come assess your household. Tell them you are stuck in an abusive situation. For the children's benefits, they will come up with a plan you both have to follow and they can hook you up with other social programs and advocates that may be helpful.

 

Go back to the police if you have to. Take photos of yourself when you are injured. The fact he could talk them into believing it was your fault tells me you're afraid to speak up for yourself. Get an attorney. Sorry your husband has a free one, and you don't. But you go and get one. They will take pay out of the settlement they get out of him and he will pay. Stop making excuses for not leaving. You've got to snap out of it.

Edited March 6, 2015 by preraph

[sweetbrokengrl]

I have absolutely no problem speaking up for myself thank you.

The fact that a police officer took an abusers statement over mine speaks nothing of me but more of the state of society these days. And I'm not making excuses. It just has seemed a bit impossible thus far seeming ever attempt I've made to get away from him has been shot down. And he always comes out on top. You have no idea what that feels like. I doubt you've been on the receiving end of this, and even of you have...no situation is the same. It's easy to tell someone how to react in a situation that you've never experienced yourself. I do,however, appreciate the non-judgmental, helpful responses I've received here.

[preraph]

I don't know what it is you're wanting to hear, but practical solutions doesn't seem to be it. So I'm leaving this thread with one more statement: You don't have the right to keep children in this abusive environment.