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Talking about what you "want"? (marriage related)


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Eighty_nine

I'm probably going to sound like I'm getting WAY ahead of myself here, but bear with me.

 

I travel, I have an education and a career, I've had three long term relationships and 3 "faux relationship" (long term fwb) and have dated a lot. First relationship I got my heart broken, in the last two i was the 'heart breaker.'

 

Anyway, when my niece was born I was able to decide that I for sure want a child, maybe two. My ideas on marriage were still on the fence since I'm independent, free spirited, adventurous blah blah.

 

Now I'm in the fourth serious relationship of my life. When we began dating and talked about the things we want, I did mention i definitely wanted kids but wasn't sure about marriage and explained why (But I didn't come off as totally against it, either). It seemed then like marriage was what he wanted, but not in the sense that it would be a deal breaker for him. I think not wanting kids would've been a deal breaker for him, but we were on the same page about that, which is important when you're in your late twenties.

Since then he's made vague reference to marriage like "where would you want to be proposed to, if you got married?" and saying things like "I never want us to end, ever."

 

Anyway, 5 months later and we're totally in love. And it's more than that, there's a friendship there too, a real bond that I feel with him. So of course my whole "i don't know about marriage..." bit has changed, at least for now. I think back to telling him I wasn't sure and feel like telling him now that he's in my life, I DO want that. But it's also WAY early in the relationship- although we've both talked about being together forever in a vague sense.

 

I just don't want him to have a long-held belief that I'm not looking for marriage, when secretly I'm thinking about what it would be like to marry him. But, there's no rush... right? if the subject comes up in 6 months or something, it won't have done any harm that I haven't mentioned it earlier?

Edited by lissvarna
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If he wants to marry you, he'll have hopes of changing your mind. And some of his recent statements may be fishing attempts to see how dead-set you are. Next time he says something along those lines, you just might want to float it out there that you might be able to be pursuaded.

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It is too early to bring it up directly, but here's what I would do. I would say things like "You fit so nicely into my life" and "The longer I know you, the better I like you" (or the more I love you if he's used the L word.) I'd start gradually asking him things like would he want his children to go to church, would he like pets, if he would do half the housekeeping if he was married, if he views childcare as a woman's responsibility or shared responsibility (and not just financial). But keep all that kind of when the subject comes up. Like you're at the park and there's parents with kids, it's an excuse to bring it up how you only see mothers at the park or something like that. Because if he does propose it's kind of awkward if you don't know any of the important things that can be dealbreakers and you're on the spot to make a decision.

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6 months from now you still will only have been dating for less than 1 year so no I don't think there is a any harm in not having mentioned marriage before that.

 

Perhaps if one of you gets invited to a wedding in the meantime you can make a positive comment about the institution in that context.

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salparadise

I don't think it's too soon to let it be known that you've reconsidered and are now thinking that you probably do want marriage. The trick is to communicate it indirectly (well placed hint) in the context of different conversation rather than bringing it up as a direct topic. Since you know that he is in favor and wants kids, and the relationship is great, you probably don't want him second guessing based on the misunderstanding that you'd never go for it. Just be subtle and wait for a more appropriate time to talk about it openly.

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Eighty_nine
6 months from now you still will only have been dating for less than 1 year so no I don't think there is a any harm in not having mentioned marriage before that.

 

Perhaps if one of you gets invited to a wedding in the meantime you can make a positive comment about the institution in that context.

 

Actually I'm in a wedding in 2 weeks, he's coming as my date. So yes, this is a good time to throw some positive comments in ;)

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