Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 My boyfriend has been very angry at my ex husband. The divorce was very recent from this new relationship. But one of the first times I had fought on the phone in front of my BF... He grabbed (BF) the phone out of my hand and told my ex and father of my kids that he was going to "fuc@ him up" and he needed to learn he wasn't his "fuc@ing wife anymore..." My BF was livid obviously and started making threats that he would sue him for something frivilous. I have helped my ex for the last couple of years of marriage build a business. My BF says no ex wives help their ex husbands and father of their kids and "something is wrong with you" for wanting to help him. Is this behavior common? Now my ex husband hates me and is trying to take my kids away from seeing me when I am around my boyfriend. Normal? I love my BF. But is this crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I don't think its crazy, but I do think it is very misguided, and counter-productive. It would be different if you had a really bad, dangerous relationship with ex-h, but the fact that you two seem to get along is a testament to both of your character and/or commitment to peace. Your bf seems to not gotten the memo that this is a positive thing. It appears he may be operating from an assumption that peace and harmony = more of a relationship than is really there? It is sad, but if I were in your shoes, if the bf couldn't come to terms with my reality with my EX, I would chose the kids over the bf. If "anyone" tries to disrupt that precious bond, "anyone" is gone. Hopefully, your bf will come around to understand the real situation, instead of his notion of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Well my BF wants me to take the kids and move them away from their dad. He says that he can follow if he chooses on his own. Then we got into a situation that my ex husband started to fight for full custody because of this and I'm now 29k in lawyers fees. And my BF says he doesn't want me paying any child support to my ex even if he is the primary. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Your BF is totally overstepping. I get that he's your bf now but how you deal with your husband with regards to your children or really anything else, is your business. You bf needs to know his ****in place. Also if he thinks that 'nobody does that' - with regards to helping your (then husband) and father of your children, then something is really wrong with him and it's also telling on what your relationship will be like with him if down the line you 2 get married have kids and divorce - don't expect him to help you out at all or be civil with you or anything like that. Even though I don't know all the facts, from what you wrote, it seems like your bf is a jackass and I wouldn't blame your husband for not wanting his kids around him. What are you thoughts on this - do you think he is overstepping? Did you ever tell him that when you deal with you ex husband it's between you and the ex? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yes I have told him and his answer to all of it is that I still have something for my ex. He then wanted me to file a harassment claim again my ex husband and I did not do that... The latest is he wants me to take my kids and move them away from my ex. Who is a very good dad. He says if he wants to fight for custody of my kids and he wins ... He can have them but we aren't paying large child support. And that's his way of seeing his long my ex will lady bring father of the year. And when my ex's mom got sick out of state and was put on life support .., I was out of town w my BF. 3 hours away. He was livid that I wanted to go back to watch my kids. He said that's not my problem and it's never my need to rescue him every time I need a baby sitter. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So with all this crap - why are you with him? And don't just say 'oh I love him' this guy is possibly going to ruin your relationship with your children and how often you see them - so I can't understand any kind of 'love' that will make that ok our outweigh what you should feel for your kids. Also, do you and the bf live together and have joint finances? - because he's acting like it's his money that's going to child support? And if he thinks that there is something still between you and your ex - why the **** is he still with you? I just think he's insecure and controlling and he's doing things that can totally damage your future with your kids (as far as your ex husband can see). You ask if I would end this - and my answer is I would have ENDED this a LONG time ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think your BF is BIG trouble. I can see why your kids’ dad wants to keep the kids away from someone who makes violent threats and who advised you to take your kids away from their father. But really, why do you want him around? Are you saying that you took your BF’s advice to move the kids away and that’s why you’re now in a custody battle? Or is the custody battle because your BF made violent threats? Either way, if you’re taking your BF’s advice and his actions and interference are causing problems or making them worse, dump this guy! Joint custody is hard enough without some outsider making it worse- or starting trouble. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yes he wants to live together in his house. He says he will take all my bills. But he hasn't paid any, so far. He is a really good guy until it comes to dealing with my kids and ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 When my ex got wind that I might want to move the kids with my BF, he went and got a lawyer and started to throw money around that I didn't have. So, he was able to get into court and get a temporary order that prevented me from moving them. And that caused my BF (who wanted to get engaged) to blow up and say he was going to lawyer up on my behalf. He wanted to run this legal fight and I said no. That made my BF livid. He said that something is not right that I won't let him get involved and he felt that I was trying to hide something or protect my ex husband. Which in some ways is true. I did want to protect him because I knew that my kids should not be without a dad either. So my BF answer? That I leave the kids with ex and just get them every other weekend and maybe Once a week. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I really don't care how old your BF is; he's acting in a completely immature, possessive, controlling and inappropriate manner. I'm sorry, but he spells trouble, and any love you have for him will wither away, when he exerts more dominance over you than is healthy. In fact, he's already started, hasn't he? Very bad situation. You need to drop him like a roasting brick, because this does not bode well, at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Your boyfriend is full of Sh.!t, he is controlling, demeaning and disrespectful. Strengthen your spine, be a real woman, and get rid of the trash. How can you let a man like this be around your children! It would have been the LAST time of his life he grabbed the phone out of my hand. He would have been out the same day! I have zero tolerance for this type of bull. By the way I have been doing business with my ex for 12 years. Yes it's possible to have a good business relationship with an ex when all adults involved are mature and respectful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yes he wants to live together in his house. He says he will take all my bills. But he hasn't paid any, so far. He is a really good guy until it comes to dealing with my kids and ex. It's not my place to tell you what to do (a concept that your bf doesn't understand ) but I really don't think it's such a good idea to live with someone so controlling and so destructive. Good luck to you. I really hope you do what's best for you and your relationship with your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He is a really good guy until it comes to dealing with my kids and ex. Well I am not so politically correct so I will tell you what to do. Your primary role in this life at this moment is to be a good MOTHER. This man is a bad influence and a BAD ROLE MODEL for any children!! Are you going to be one of those women who pick bad men over their own flesh and blood? You are recently divorced. You need to devote yourself to yourself, your children, and rebuilding your life. Finding a dude can wait !! There is plenty of time for that! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yes he wants to live together in his house. He says he will take all my bills. But he hasn't paid any, so far. He is a really good guy until it comes to dealing with my kids and ex. If you can't get out for yourself, get out for your kids. They don't need a man that wants to take them away from their father. That's a good guy? This reminds me of another poster that was in a similar issue. And all she ever fell back on was that he was a good guy EXCEPT when it came to his jealousy and controlling issues with her dealing with the ex-husband. Soon enough it was affecting her son because he was even controlling her time with him. You just had a divorce and you're already with a boyfriend who is dictating how you handle your life, already dictating the dynamics of what he feels the future should be, controlling what the family unit should be, what role their father plays in his children's lives, how much child support the father gets when he is granted custody? Good guy? Unbelievable. This is not a good guy. Good guys are consistent in their behaviors and they are healthy in their boundaries. They look out for the best interest of these children rather than what he deems right because his freaking ego can't take it. I always wonder about women that bring men like this around their kids and are completely blind to the fact that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Trust when you both are married, living in his home -- you and your kids will be under his control and living on his terms. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 When my ex got wind that I might want to move the kids with my BF, he went and got a lawyer and …. get a temporary order that prevented me from moving them. That makes sense. How would you feel if your ex wanted to take your kids away from you? Do you think it would be ok for your kids to not see you as often? The vast majority of parents I know would do the same thing your kids’ dad did. It seems perfectly natural, and right. And that caused my BF (who wanted to get engaged) to blow up and say he was going to lawyer up on my behalf. He wanted to run this legal fight and I said no. That made my BF livid. He said that something is not right that I won't let him get involved and he felt that I was trying to hide something or protect my ex husband. Which in some ways is true. This guy is making things worse for you and your children. Get him out of your lives. He makes threats of violence. He blows up and gets livid. He tells you what to do. He pushes himself into your business. And he sure doesn’t care about your kids and your relationship with your kids. Why are you staying with this guy? That’s a sincere question: why? I did want to protect him because I knew that my kids should not be without a dad either. So my BF answer? That I leave the kids with ex and just get them every other weekend and maybe Once a week. Stop listening to this destructive person. You have children and your own life to take care of. And now you have $29k in attorneys fees too- because you’ve been listening to this guy. This is your responsibility. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He is a really good guy until it comes to dealing with my kids and ex. No he isn't. Don't tell yourself that. It's not true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 So I guess my problem is I'm having a terrible time ending things. I love him and it's been very tough. But, I supose this should be easy, by just looking at my kids. He knows thst his involrnt has cost me partial custody with my kids until I can afford a new lawyer. And I don't have the money. He also said he's not capable of paying my kids healthcare if I'm not able to. That my ex should pay that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So I guess my problem is I'm having a terrible time ending things. I love him and it's been very tough. But, I supose this should be easy, by just looking at my kids. He knows thst his involrnt has cost me partial custody with my kids until I can afford a new lawyer. And I don't have the money. He also said he's not capable of paying my kids healthcare if I'm not able to. That my ex should pay that. Understand that you do NOT love him. He is simply a band-aid on your wounds. You suffer from emotional dependance because you are coming out of a divorce. Are you ready to lose your children over this loser? Because you will. If I were in your ex's shoes I would do exactly like him! I would not want my children around the character you call a boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 My boyfriend has been very angry at my ex husband. The divorce was very recent from this new relationship. But one of the first times I had fought on the phone in front of my BF... He grabbed (BF) the phone out of my hand and told my ex and father of my kids that he was going to "fuc@ him up" and he needed to learn he wasn't his "fuc@ing wife anymore..." My BF was livid obviously and started making threats that he would sue him for something frivilous. I have helped my ex for the last couple of years of marriage build a business. My BF says no ex wives help their ex husbands and father of their kids and "something is wrong with you" for wanting to help him. Is this behavior common? Now my ex husband hates me and is trying to take my kids away from seeing me when I am around my boyfriend. Normal? I love my BF. But is this crazy? Your BF has no right to get involved and your H has every right to be pissed off and not want this guy around his children. Your BF has to understand that just because you and your exH are divorced doesn't mean you can't be on friendly terms for the kids sake. It's good that you were helping him with his business. You just now have a jealous and controlling boyfriend to deal with. Put your kids first because this BF isn't going to be in your life forever. He is NOT husband material, let alone step dad material. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So I guess my problem is I'm having a terrible time ending things. I love him and it's been very tough. But, I supose this should be easy, by just looking at my kids. He knows thst his involrnt has cost me partial custody with my kids until I can afford a new lawyer. And I don't have the money. He also said he's not capable of paying my kids healthcare if I'm not able to. That my ex should pay that. Ah, love isn't enough. What's love when it's controlling and manipulative. I'm not even sure why you're in the thick of a relationship just after finalizing a divorce. This is not love. Everyone has difficulty ending things but your kids welfare and wellbeing should be what motivates you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 So if you were 3 hours away and your ex's mother died and he needed you to watch the kids. Would you go? Should the BF understand? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So if you were 3 hours away and your ex's mother died and he needed you to watch the kids. Would you go? Should the BF understand? Yes, I would. If my BF didn't understand, I wouldn't want him as my BF. So I guess my problem is I'm having a terrible time ending things. I love him and it's been very tough. But, I supose this should be easy, by just looking at my kids. He knows thst his involrnt has cost me partial custody with my kids until I can afford a new lawyer. And I don't have the money. He also said he's not capable of paying my kids healthcare if I'm not able to. That my ex should pay that. Are you SURE that you love him? All of him, as he really is? You can’t slice out a part of someone’s character and personality and love only the good part. We have to look at the "bad" parts too. They can’t be ignored or excused away. He’s damaging you and your family, emotionally and financially. Keep looking at your kids. That’s good. And it’s ok if it isn’t easy, or for it to hurt. Love your kids and let that love strengthen you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So if you were 3 hours away and your ex's mother died and he needed you to watch the kids. Would you go? Should the BF understand? YES I would go. And YES the BF should understand. DUMP this loser. He's very selfish, controlling and jealous. Respectfully, you need to get your priorities straightened out, otherwise you WILL lose your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So if you were 3 hours away and your ex's mother died and he needed you to watch the kids. Would you go? Should the BF understand? Good grief. Are you so insecure in your own judgment that you would even have to ask this question? The kids grandmother just died. Their father's mother just died. Your mother-in-law just passed. Your ex-husband is dealing with the death of his mother and probably can't cope or manage alone with everything that needs to be done as well as tending to the children. You should be doing all you can to be there to comfort and care for your kids and be there for your ex and help with whatever needs to be done. Someone important in their lives just passed and you are asking if boyfriend was right to throw a tantrum? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thisisinsane Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Well there is a court order that my kids can't be with my BF. And he's saying that I should ignore that if I have to take them while ex is with his family. He says no one is going to put you in jail. He wants to be with us. I said it will endanger my custody situation in the future and he says then he can't be with me anymore Link to post Share on other sites
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