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What makes someone have confidence?/Self Worth?


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I noticed this the other day when i was out with a friend. I've suffered from years of self image issues from the way i was treated through high school and college. I resigned to myself that I wasn't able or worthy to get a girl, so I never even had the confidence or will to try. The things girls did to flirt or be sexy just seemed targeted at other guys and my mentality was it wasn't something I deserved. I lived this way for 6 years.

 

Recently I've been trying to get out of this rut as i have a career now and am 25. Im observational when im in public and noticed two girls at the local bar near my friend and I. They opened up to us first and we were all teasing eachother. It was the first time I tried talking to girls in public other than professionally. My friend later explained to me that the one girl was obviously there just for sex as she eventually left with some other guy.

 

How did something like that happen so quickly between two people? Where does the confidence in that girl come from where she just wants something like sex and she can get it? Its always been this enigma and mysterious unobtainable thing for me. Where does that self worth come from? How did she obtain it? Same goes for the guy, How am I supposed to know I can achieve that?

 

Im still learning social cues I should have learned by 13 but I was isolated because of my looks and personality, so Im behind now. It feels like when and adult is trying to learn a new language and they dont have the capacity anymore to do so, thats the closest I can compare this to.

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autumnnight

The number one thing that helped me was learning to affirm myself. Learning to be my OWN source of validation and self-worth. When a big chunk of my confidence was dependent on others' encouragement, complimenting, appreciation, and view of me, well, whenever that was lacking or someone important to me stopped propping me, I plummeted.

 

It has to be balanced. A person who is so "confident" that they don't care what ANYONE thinks is just plain obnoxious. But being able to see your own value and not letting that value get rocked based on a few outside voices did more to help me than anything.

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Ive tried doing that, but how is one supposed to affirm that without the affirmation of others? What if your just living in an illusion that way?

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devilish innocent

I wouldn't assume that everybody who is hooking up with a stranger at a bar has confidence or self-worth. Many of them are probably insecure on the inside and using sex as a temporary ego boost. It might be the only way they know to make themselves feel powerful and desirable. They fear that if people got to know them they would want nothing to do with them. They know the attraction of a one night stand is completely superficial and short-lived, but it's the only way they know to feel desired. I'm not saying that's the case for everybody who has booty calls, but I'm sure for some it is.

 

Even among those who are hooking up for other reasons, I doubt many of them are showing their true selves. They're putting on a persona so they can get laid. You're better off working on actual self-confidence so you can have more meaningful relationships.

 

I'm somebody who's suffered from self-esteem and confidence issues on and off my whole life. My experience is that affirmations do pay off, but it's not easy. You can't just say the right words to yourself and transform into the life of the party 30 seconds later if that hasn't been your personality. You have to keep reaffirming it over and over again. You also have to get out there and make a conscious effort to be friendly with people. Take pride in even the smallest successes (such as those girls simply talking to you). Take it in stride if you have rejections or awkward conversations, knowing that it happens to everyone. Counseling helps as well. Then it still takes months of doing this on a regular, daily basis just to begin to see the changes. You have to be patient with yourself.

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There is no secret.

 

Just remember that girls don't come from another planet. They are people just like you.

 

Be yourself and be interested if you talk to a girl.

 

Be yourself at your best.

 

Thats all thats required from you.

 

Nature will take care of the rest.

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See ive done most of the things you have said, i can feel better about myself at times and have complete confidence, I did get the one girls number, kissed her at the end of the night and she even told me to text her. But the next day I felt completely **** about, and went into one of my dark states. I keep thinking, what if she was just being nice and wanted to get rid of me, or what if she is just like those girls who always laughed behind my back in highschool. It feels the same. Unfortunately I have bouts of supreme confidence at times, but when I realize its false I go back being my old self again. Especially when I see a 16 year old guy able to walk up to a girl and get laid, I am reminded of how far behind in life I am. Also From the way I was treated when I see a girl I immediately go into that state of fear, of shes better than me just because shes female.

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Self-esteem is usually either established in childhood or not depending how the relationships in your home were, but you can get it later, and yes, you can lose it through bullying. I was confident when young, got picked on in middle school and build defenses, and then I parachuted out of the high school social stuff by hanging with an older wilder crowd. I found my career niche and that helped a lot. But I was already building confidence and getting strong before that.

 

But a lot of what you're having trouble with is you want some sort of guarantee you can carry it off if you stick your neck out. Nobody gets that. Self-confidence and self-esteem, you have to reach a point where you just don't care that much if someone isn't interested, or some group of people. You realize everyone is different. You can't be accepted by everyone. Most of us aren't accepted by that many people. But you have to get past the fear and make yourself fake being confident to really make any progress. You have to initiate momentum. You have to take chances to have any successes and be willing to just roll with it when there's failures.

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Do you think i should text that girl back, its been 2 days?

 

If you want to, there's no real reason not to.

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Like others said, confidence comes from many sources (childhood, family, friends, career, hobbies). And, that those people you "think" are confident, are insecure themselves (like players who sleep around...they are not confident, they are insecure and seeking constant validation through "conquests").

 

You know, in the military I never understood why we did certain things till I got out - especially when I was working on my Masters. Some things we did were those horrible obstacle courses. Why? Teamwork...confidence...using your head to figure out how to navigate an obstacle.

 

We can learn confidence by doing things that build our self esteem and show that we can accomplish things...by picking up hobbies, sports, volunteering, do-it-yourself, learning a new skill. When you start feeling better about yourself, you stand taller and it oozes from your pores.

 

Also, there's practice, practice, practice. Ever hear of Toastmasters? They get together and learn how to speak in public. Same you gotta do with dating. You gotta practice. Try chatting up women you're not interested in. Shoot, take the challenge to speak to women you "are" interested in. The more you practice, it becomes "natural" and you at some point will be able to do it without even thinking about it.

 

Good luck!!!

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todreaminblue

I actually hear voices at times ...quite clearly......and the way i silence the voices it to involve myself in the moment ill talk.... ill listen.... ill ask questions...ill find out about the person standing in front of me.....and ill talk over the voice......i am actually really shy...no one gets that from me.....they think or feel i am assertive chatty happy...adn actually i am really insecure.....but i keep trying.....and sometimes i come across as goofy....i try nto to dwell on what i say to much...just to know i get out there i talk ....in spite of what i feel...in spite of the voices i hear.....i have control.....and it works..

 

but then i dont approach guys for sex nor would i...would make me feel like an unpaid hooker...and i wouldnt want a guy ever to look at me in that light.....deb

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2.50 a gallon

When I was a teen ager I was painfully shy. Painful as I would blush and my face would burn. This was made worse, by the fact that I was the shortest guy in school. Girls like to dance, none of the guys in school knew how to fast dance. When it came to dancing, I thought I had two left feet, but I was a great second baseman. On a double play, I had to catch the ball, hit the bag, spin and throw a strike to the first baseman, if I could do that I should be able to learn to dance. So, when one of my sister's friends tried to embarrass me by offering to teach me to dance, I went for it. Then when nobody was around I practiced, until I was a good dancer. It wasn't long before even the cutest girls were hanging around me at the school dances hoping I would ask them to dance. That was the start of me building up my confidence. I began to learn to talk to women, even the good looking ones like they were normal people. I practiced by talking to the gal at the cash register, talk about the weather, sports, etc. And more importantly I learned to listen. With time my confidence grew. I recall once, a looker in back of me had a shopping cart loaded with cat food. I asked her how many cats she had, and that was a start. She only had one, Banzi, I listen as she told me about Banzi. A couple of months later I bumped into her again, and asked her about Banzi, she was delighted that I remembered, we ended up dating.

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Lots of good advice in this thread.

 

I think the consistent thing you'll notice is that confidence that you gain from the validation of other people is very fleeting. You really do need to focus on it being internally driven, rather than externally driven.

 

So, how do you get that internal confidence? I really like to think of the foundation as being about self-pride. I've got a decent set of values and I do my best to live by them. I'm an honorable guy, I back it up with actions, and I'm proud of that. I worked hard at my career and I'm proud of that. I've worked hard at raising good children and I'm proud of that, too. I do my best to be productive each day and I'm often proud of what I've accomplished. I do a lot of things that I can be proud of. And interestingly enough, I've got a pretty good amount of self-pride. That translates to self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem. Perhaps most importantly, it's founded in something real rather than something fleeting like popularity or success with women. No one can take it away from me.

 

You may also notice that if you do things you're not proud of (lying, cheating, stealing, procrastinating, etc) then it may "work" in the short-term but it has a negative impact on your self-pride, especially if you keep it up. No, thanks.

 

Notice even in the examples on this thread. In the military, they give you these huge and seemingly impossible tasks and give you no choice but to accomplish them. Because they know you'll be proud and more confident when you do. In another example, a guy taught himself to dance and to dance well. He had something tangible to be proud of.

 

So what do you do that makes you proud of yourself? What do you excel at? What took a lot of work to accomplish but you did it anyway? Focus on those things. Keep doing them. And knock off any behaviors that you aren't proud of. Given time, you'll have no choice but to have self-pride and self-confidence.

 

The good thing is that you understand that success with women depends a lot on confidence. It's sexy to women. Of course, there's a fine line between confidence and cockiness. But being uncomfortable in your own skin isn't attractive to anyone.

 

So knowing these things, what do you think I'd advise you about calling this girl? What would make you more proud? Slinking away in timidity or having the confidence to put yourself out there?

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I consider myself confident enough, though I still have my moments of shyness in that I don't approach women or I am too careful to try to initiate contact, because some of the time, women get the wrong idea and break out the "creepy" label or call harassment on someone.

 

However, I have been there when it comes to try to be accepted or something. I have noticed the way how people to talk to others like they are fast friends without making too much effort. When I tried talking to the same people, they couldn't care less to talk to me. It's like I felt that I lacked charisma or charm, whereas the other people had that charm/charisma. Sometimes I asked myself if I was just not likeable.

 

I acknowledged how I felt and I know that I have confidence to a point, then sometimes it drops and goes back up again.

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Justanaverageguy

Everyone has good days and bad. Some days you feel like king of the world and other days you feel like your bottom of the heap and can't seem to get out of first gear. That's normal. If your not feeling it .... don't approach. It comes through in your body language and you'll have a negative experience.

 

It sounds like most of your confidence issues seem to be specifically around getting and approaching women. At least from what you have posted here. When I was younger I was some what shy around women and especially with approaching. I would say I had approach anxiety. Its a thing. I used to build up approaching or going on a date with a woman so much .... think it was a huge deal. If they rejected me or weren't interested it would be the worst thing ever right ? You find out that it isn't really if you do it enough. I now don't have any issues with this. The confidence you seen in men who approach and get girls quickly - quite simple comes from them having done it a lot before. Some it came naturally to them .... but a lot it didn't and they learnt this over time. They are relaxed when they are approaching women because they have done it enough that they are not too concerned if they get a no. That will happen from time to time but they know their own worth and that other women will be interested. You can't win them all.

 

What I would recommend for you is:

 

1) Take the pressure off when approaching women and stop making it such a big deal. Don't approach a woman with the mentality of I have to get her number or I have to sleep with her for it to be a success. Approach with no real intentions other then to say hello, flirt and see if you connect. If you don't have an end game and your not pushing an agenda things are just easier and you tend to be less nervous and more confident. You might end up finding she gives you her number rather then you having to ask.

 

2) Practice. If your not good at something what is the only way to get better ? Practice, practice, practice! And if your really uncomfortable at first with this type of thing don't go in all guns blazing trying to pick up dozens of hot women from the get go. Start small and build up. Don't even try to get numbers or actually organize dates with a girl. Just practice approaching everyday people in real life situations - not just women you want to date. Start with anyone - old women, men, the chick at the cash register who ever. Approach people and ask for directions or the time even if you don't need it. Just get comfortable with initiating contact with a stranger. Then build from there. Work out how to start a conversation in a pleasant and attractive way. How to engage people in fun ways to get them interested and excited. How to compliment people in a genuine way they appreciate. Practice confident eye contact. Seriously at bars women love being eye ****ed if you do it the right way. That is how you pick the girl who is interested and who is not. You can have a conversation with a girls eyes before you even speak to her. Progressively increase what your comfortable with until it becomes easy for you. Then put it into practice in the right scenarios at places where women are looking for men and dates and sex. You'll be surprised at the results. Being relaxed and confident is everything.

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Justanaverageguy
Do you think i should text that girl back, its been 2 days?

 

Of course do it. Some guys actually operate on the "3 day rule" where they won't text or call until 3 days after getting a number or after the first date. Its kind of lame but the idea is a poor attempt at hard to get. Its supposed to make you look like your not too keen - and also to keep the girl thinking about you in the days after she gave you her number. Shes sitting their wondering .... hey why didn't he call or message me ? If you message first thing the next day she already knows you're interested and thinks you are too keen and have no other options and there by not overly desirable. A little bit of a delay can actually work to your advantage.

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Of course do it. Some guys actually operate on the "3 day rule" where they won't text or call until 3 days after getting a number or after the first date. Its kind of lame but the idea is a poor attempt at hard to get. Its supposed to make you look like your not too keen - and also to keep the girl thinking about you in the days after she gave you her number. Shes sitting their wondering .... hey why didn't he call or message me ? If you message first thing the next day she already knows you're interested and thinks you are too keen and have no other options and there by not overly desirable. A little bit of a delay can actually work to your advantage.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

I guess some women are going to put the guys who play games like this in the bin, and other women will have accepted other offers in that 3 days, so the opportunity is then missed.

The assumption with this male "rule", is that she is some little fool, sitting there "wondering".

She may not be "waiting in anticipation", and that doesn't necessarily mean she was disinterested, just that she doesn't like being taken for a idiot.

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Justanaverageguy
Maybe, maybe not.

I guess some women are going to put the guys who play games like this in the bin, and other women will have accepted other offers in that 3 days, so the opportunity is then missed.

The assumption with this male "rule", is that she is some little fool, sitting there "wondering".

She may not be "waiting in anticipation", and that doesn't necessarily mean she was disinterested, just that she doesn't like being taken for a idiot.

 

Agreed I did say it was lame ... it is not something I do or advocate. Any "rules" for dating generally tend to be pretty stupid. I do however know a lot of guys that do this. Either way I really don't think 2 days is some huge yawning period of time between getting a number and texting a girl. That actually seems like the normal time period when you would text - a day or two later.

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Agreed I did say it was lame ... it is not something I do or advocate. Any "rules" for dating generally tend to be pretty stupid. I do however know a lot of guys that do this. Either way I really don't think 2 days is some huge yawning period of time between getting a number and texting a girl. That actually seems like the normal time period when you would text - a day or two later.

 

Yeah I dont wait 3 days to manipulate her, i was told to wait so she doesn't see me as a needy creeper. Im just trying to weed out problems that might cause girls to stay away. Even internally I think thats bull**** because I would love for a girl to show that much appreciation for me.

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Hmm makes you wonder if society is failing the male population of planet earth. Seems like I see 10 guys to 1 girl with confidence/girl issues.

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