NJ123 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I have 5 LTR exes. I wouldn't know whether any of them are still alive, let alone wanting to keep in touch with them.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 It's all about boundaries. Some people cheat others don't, not really related to exes. In my experience it's not true that most men are not ok with it, not sure why you think you can speak for 'most men'. I have exes that keep in touch with other ex girlfriends. It's normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
1040 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 They like the extra attention, the thrill. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I have no idea. I don't. You can't go backwards IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 It's all about boundaries. Some people cheat others don't, not really related to exes. In my experience it's not true that most men are not ok with it, not sure why you think you can speak for 'most men'. I have exes that keep in touch with other ex girlfriends. It's normal. A lot of cheating that happens is with an ex. A lot of men would not be okay with their girlfriend being close friends with an ex & being with them alone. Their called an ex for a reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 I have no idea. I don't. You can't go backwards IMO. Yeah, it beats me. It doesn't make sense to me except for certain situations where if there's kids involved or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Lokin4AReason Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) my soon to be ex wife wants to be friend(s) .... I told her to jump off a bridge, like I did ( she really didn't like that comment ) used to do some serious repealing back in the day =0) the reason I think she wants to be friend(s), is that shes all alone. needs advice and help in certain situation(s). she is on her own the day she walked out that door on me like that ... Edited March 4, 2015 by Lokin4AReason Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I am friends with all my Exes but I am much older and the friendships didn't occur until after a lengthy time apart (I'm talking years and years). I was never friends with anyone of them immediately after the relationship ended because there is still too much hurt and/or feelings involved. There is context to be considered. I am 50 so some of my Exes dates back decades and there is nothing whatsoever to be had in the way of romance, just the fact that we shared some common interests at one time in our lives and nothing more. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. Since the only people that are exes for me have been men, it’s only been men who wanted to be “friends.” Usually, they haven’t actually wanted to be what I define as a friend. They’ve just wanted to part peacefully and be cordial with each other, be able to do the cocktail chat if we ran into each other. That’s ok with me. However, I did know one guy who said he wanted to be “friends” and what that meant to him was that he’d still call and talk. He had a few women exes that he called friends and either did FWB with them or he turned to them for support. So, there are probably a small percentage of people, men and women, who have that in mind. I haven’t seen many like that. Edited March 4, 2015 by BlueIris Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) I don't get it, either. I think it is very disrespectful to the one you are with. This would never be acceptable in my marriage. For us, it's not about trust. It's about respect. I want to protect and respect my relationship, and I am considerate of my husband's feelings. I know a marriage is more permanent then a dating relationship, but it's important to build a good foundation. Trust is huge, but so is respect. My grandmother once told me that respect is more important to men than love. I think there's some truth in that. A woman can tell a guy she loves him and show him lots of affection, but if they minimize his feelings, sneak around on him, talk about him behind his back... to him, it feels like she doesn't love him because he feels disrespected. I think having good boundaries means that you should not be friends with exes if you are in a serious relationship. IMO, a sign that people DON'T have good boundaries when they remain friends with exes and justify it with "we don't flirt" or "he never tries anything". I understand that when kids are involved, it is beneficial to have a cordial friendship with an ex for the kids sake, but that's really the only time I would say it is reasonable. I know this doesn't apply to everyone, but I think some of those that push so hard for the "friends with ex" relationships have excessive needs for attention and validation. They still like being cared for and thought about by their ex, even in a platonic way. They don't want to give that up. They often say things like "I don't know how long my relationship will last, and he'll still be there when BF's gone". They need a constant, reliable source of emotional support and don't want to burn their bridges. Their need for someone to "be there no matter what" is greater than their consideration for their current BF's feelings. It's nice to have friends for support, but there should be plenty of other options for emotional support besides your ex. If you need your ex's listening ear that bad, then you should either get back with your ex or hire a therapist to listen. I also think it can be a control thing sometimes. Some people are so afraid to appear that they are "controlled" by their partner that they don't see the big picture. She could have a great guy who really cares about her, but when he asks her consider his feelings and not be friends with an ex, she'll feel controlled or sees him as insecure or jealous. Instead of considering her boyfriend's feelings (which in my opinion are valid), she is more concerned with the exes feelings or keeping a friendship with someone that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. She gets caught up in the power game instead of really considering how it makes her BF feel. I think a lot of great relationships that had serious long term potential have ended because of this very issue. Edited March 4, 2015 by Quiet Storm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 None of the women I know are friends with their exes. I'm not friends with my exes either. Maybe I could be with only one of them who behaved with dignity after the breakup. But we've lost contact. God bless him wherever he is. I'd be very happy to attend his wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. women like to "collect" exes for various purposes down the road Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I've know both men and women that remain friends with their exes. So I don't believe it's a single gender. But as to why they remain friends, I honestly believe because they still are fanning the flames of love, and want to keep those embers going out of hope they will get back together. For clarity, I'm referring to people that have broken up just shortly prior, not where years go by and they run into each other again. Of course there some exceptions to this. I know people that were married for years, divorced, and remained friends (or at least friendly) because of the connection they had. Letting go of an ex-spouse is much more difficult if majority of the relationship was good. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I am friends with all my Exes but I am much older and the friendships didn't occur until after a lengthy time apart (I'm talking years and years). I was never friends with anyone of them immediately after the relationship ended because there is still too much hurt and/or feelings involved. There is context to be considered. I am 50 so some of my Exes dates back decades and there is nothing whatsoever to be had in the way of romance, just the fact that we shared some common interests at one time in our lives and nothing more. I'm with CarrieT on this one. I too am friends with my exes but only after having some time apart to heal and regroup. Having said that, there are boundaries that need to be considered in order to protect oneself from falling back into old patters and especially for preserving and respecting current relationships. I might be great friends with my ex husband of 20 years today but that doesn't mean we meet after work for drinks alone or hang out and eat pizza and watch movies together. That is taking things too far in my humble opinion, ESPECIALLY since we're both in in committed relationships. What we had in the past is OVER and for good reason. And that goes for any ex. With regards to the OP's question, I want to remind him that women do NOT have exclusivity in this department. To think otherwise is flawed. There are plenty of men who are guilty of this so stop pointing fingers. At the end of the day I think being friends with exes CAN work but there needs to be a certain level of trust already established in a relationship. I also think couples need to be honest and respectful as well as transparent about most things but particularly when it comes to something like being friendships with exes. This isn't for the faint of heart. Not many people can handle these kinds of friendships for one reason or another but if done with the right intentions, there is nothing to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 i wish all my 30+ ex g/f and my ex wife well but i wouldn't want to be friends with them. they are ex for a reason 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 If the breakup is amicable, I think it's okay to stay in infrequent contact with an ex (without hiding it from your current partner), as long as boundaries are respected, and one person (or the other) is willing to cut off all contact if the other crosses a boundary. In other words, treat the ex no differently than any other opposite-sex friend or acquaintance. BTW, "cutting off all contact" does not necessarily mean "hating" the other person, it just means banning him/her from your life out of respect for your current relationship. The point is to get over the ex. I know a few men and women who are openly still on good platonic terms with one or more exes...and yes their current partners know and AFAIK are okay with it (in one case the S.O. is also friends with the ex). It doesn't have to be a big deal if all parties involved are mature about it and respect boundaries. It can help to spend some initial time apart to heal, especially if the ex-relationship was a serious long-term one and emotions ran deep. Someone (man or woman) who badly wants to stay friends with an ex is a bit different though, and could be cause for concern. I suspect that such a person is NOT over his or her ex, and wants to keep said ex around...either as an insurance policy if the current relationship flops, or with the fleeting hope that the ex will change his mind and want her back. Such a person is being disrespectful to both her current partner and the ex-partner. Migrating to "just friends" status with an ex should be a mutual natural process, depending on why the relationship didn't work out (usually they see each other as good people but the attraction just fizzled out or lifestyles irreconcilably diverged or whatever). Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 If I had so much in common with that person that I loved them, then we were in the same social circle anyway. I don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I have been so hurt that I couldn't be friends for a very long time. The worst of those times, I ended up working with the guy anyway and just had to learn to be mature about it and then over that long time, lots of history and friendship built up. That guy was from 35 years ago and he recently missed me and took me to a concert with his wife's blessing. Because despite everything else that went on, the fact is we followed parallel career paths for many years and had some things in common and our friendship built value through endurance of many trials. We have a chemistry. As he said, "It's just so easy with you." We just have a good rapport. If I ever loved someone, whether they were a real bf relationship or I only wished they were, I will keep up with them sporadically. Doesn't mean I'm automatically sleeping with them or trying to. My little core of closest men all met each other and sometimes had business dealings back during and after the relationship stuff was going on, decades ago. Two of them had the same birthday and I threw them a joint party one year! I never had any of them tell me they didn't want me to talk to the other or freak out over photos or not want to go to a gig because the other would be there. I have photos of them and other friends and acquaintances all over the house. One was over here recently and looked at them all. I did take one down because it involved someone who stole his 2nd wife from him, but we've now talked about that and I'll probably put it back up because I like the photo of me in it. I think it helps when you all have a central bond, and ours was music and I just think we all understood music came first and you didn't let personal crap get in the way. And of course, strong self-esteem will keep you from worrying about losing someone all the time, because if you have good self-esteem, you know you'll be okay and that if they leave, it wasn't the right person for you to stay with. But that doesn't mean something that doesn't turn into marriage is nothing. It is what it is. It's a bond of another type. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 The only ones I wanted to stay friends with were the ones who I thought made better friends than boyfriends. Which also means I broke up with them, and they were willing to stay friends in case I changed my mind, I guess. Once I got with my husband though I let them all go since it was too much hassle to deal with the whole "we used to date but you don't need to worry about them" speil. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 I'm with CarrieT on this one. I too am friends with my exes but only after having some time apart to heal and regroup. Having said that, there are boundaries that need to be considered in order to protect oneself from falling back into old patters and especially for preserving and respecting current relationships. I might be great friends with my ex husband of 20 years today but that doesn't mean we meet after work for drinks alone or hang out and eat pizza and watch movies together. That is taking things too far in my humble opinion, ESPECIALLY since we're both in in committed relationships. What we had in the past is OVER and for good reason. And that goes for any ex. With regards to the OP's question, I want to remind him that women do NOT have exclusivity in this department. To think otherwise is flawed. There are plenty of men who are guilty of this so stop pointing fingers. At the end of the day I think being friends with exes CAN work but there needs to be a certain level of trust already established in a relationship. I also think couples need to be honest and respectful as well as transparent about most things but particularly when it comes to something like being friendships with exes. This isn't for the faint of heart. Not many people can handle these kinds of friendships for one reason or another but if done with the right intentions, there is nothing to worry about. I definitely agree, but the majority of the time I always hear it's the women that want to stay in touch with their exes. I rarely hear of a guy wanting to stay in touch with an ex at least compared to women. Almost every time I see a thread of a guy mentioning that their g/f still talks to an ex, the relationship usually always turns out bad. Due to insecurities on the guys part, or finding out the woman is texting the ex behind their back due to said insecurities, or they still have feelings for the ex & wind up sleeping with them. I just personally feel an ex is an ex for a reason, and shouldn't be a part of someones life anymore unless there's kids involved or some important reason to still be in touch with them. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I definitely agree, but the majority of the time I always hear it's the women that want to stay in touch with their exes. I rarely hear of a guy wanting to stay in touch with an ex at least compared to women. Almost every time I see a thread of a guy mentioning that their g/f still talks to an ex, the relationship usually always turns out bad. Due to insecurities on the guys part, or finding out the woman is texting the ex behind their back due to said insecurities, or they still have feelings for the ex & wind up sleeping with them. I just personally feel an ex is an ex for a reason, and shouldn't be a part of someones life anymore unless there's kids involved or some important reason to still be in touch with them. Don't take what you read here, or what you hear in your circle to be the majority. However, in relation as to why a man or woman will try to stay friends with an ex? In addition to reasons already given, sometimes it's to ease their guilt. If an ex you dumped is willing to be friends, you can't be all that bad and they can't be all that hurt. So it eases their conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 remember that Sex ends with "ex" Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Why do I always constantly hear that women like being friends with their ex? Most guys aren't okay with that at all, so what's the reason for it? And it seems a huge percentage of cheating is with exes as well. I don't have an answer for the reason behind it, but I think sometimes we only see and hear what we want to see and hear. If you are constantly hearing that women are friends with their exes, you may be specifically looking for those instances to prove it to yourself. Even more so if what you are seeing is gender-specific. From what I read in these forums, I find that most cheaters are cheating with someone that is not an ex. Maybe that's not the reality, but it's the perception I get. Don't take what you read here, or what you hear in your circle to be the majority. Agreed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NJ123 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Don't take what you read here, or what you hear in your circle to be the majority. However, in relation as to why a man or woman will try to stay friends with an ex? In addition to reasons already given, sometimes it's to ease their guilt. If an ex you dumped is willing to be friends, you can't be all that bad and they can't be all that hurt. So it eases their conscience. Well, it's not just this place, it's other forums as well where it's the woman that is in touch with their ex. But the one site I go on is a site where there's a lot more men than women on it so that could be why I get that perception a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I personally went pretty quick into No Contact and never looked back. Perhaps if things had ended well I'd have been receptive to being... I don't know... acquaintances? At least if they had wanted to. But otherwise? No. No reason to remain in contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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