feeling lost

[brighteyes804]

So, heres the deal, I'm married with a few kids, im in my early thirties. Im from the states but live in a foreign country for the past 2 yrs. The 2 yrs has been very tough adjusting, I've completely shut down at this point. I have absolutely no desire to stay here. But heres where it gets more difficult. I made an attempt to contact a girl I had a huge crush on in 7th grade, through a mutual friend, before leaving the states. She was kind of the girl that got away back then. She contacted me back, too late. About 2 months after i left. Started out small talk an email every couple of weeks, but then it turned into once a week, to once a day, then private messaging and so forth. I have kept all this from my wife. Shes married as well, with a couple of kids. We are completely in love. Couldn't breath around each other kind of love. We have had our ups and downs with this secret long distance relationship. We've both gotten jealous of each other, miscommunication. Mainly because to each of us, we both got away so long ago and we both dont want that to happen again. My wife is great, she does anything for me. She doesnt show as much affection as i would like or hardly any and more sex would be better. But this is something i could accept for the past ten yrs with her. And now i feel i need that. I guess i changed. And i cant change who she is. Finding my lost love, has sparked what i truly always wanted out of somebody. And i cant get that from my wife. So with that problem and this hatred of this country im in. I got a few choices. Stay and be miserable, of my surroundings and loss of what i want out of my partner, and stay for the kids. Or take a huge leap of faith and move back to the states and would completely have to start all over and hope, my lost love, leaves her husband eventually. Im not pushing her to either, i want her to do, what she feels best for her and the kids. I just dont feel im getting anywhere, where im at. And some would argue, i choose that. That might be the case, it is what it is. I just dont know what to do

[emmajane77]

This is a hard one, as it seems you are unhappy living in the country you are and I wonder if you are actually home sick and this girl represents to you the states and a feeling of the past and home. You obviously have a strong connection with this woman but I think it is also easy to think that she is the answer to your problems or that the grass is always greener. I think you need to think about what you really want out of life and your motives. Think it through and be completely honest about the reasons you want to leave. Is it because you are bored with the country you live in, you don't love your wife or you want to start a life with the American woman ( which might not be a possibility as she is married) Would you be happy without your children. It doesn't sound as if you have a bad marriage and your wife sounds like a good person. Have you tried talking to your wife about your sex life or maybe the need to move back to the states. I think you should communicate with her and tell her what you have been feeling, otherwise things won't get better. Do you think there are things you can save from your marriage. Do you think that things would be better if the whole family moved back to the states. I also think that maybe the e-mailing to the girl from the states is exciting for you but who is to say that things will be the same as you remember them back then. She may not leave her husband or even if you do actually get it together that you will enjoy living together. These are all questions to think about. I know it is hard, sometimes in relationships the timing just doesn't seem to work out, but also don't be too nostalgic about the relationship and the past and think she will be the solution to all of your problems. Think about the good things you do have and weigh it up against what you would lose and gain. Good luck I hope it works out for you.

[Gloria25]

I think to destroy your marriage and your kids' life over a "hop, skip, and a prayer" is just not the right thing here...

 

For one, you don't have a long-distance-relationship with your 7th grade chick. Messaging, e-mails, PMs, phone calls are like OLD - only good on paper till you meet in person and actually date.

 

Yes, you knew her in person before you left the country, but people change (just like you said you have changed). Talking to them via phone/electronic means (even Skype) is not dating and getting to know them in real life. So in sum, you may be holding on to the "past" person you "thought" you knew - especially at a time in your life where you were younger and not as experienced as you are now. In other words, what you thought as "love" back then (puppy love), probably isn't now.

 

Two, have you ever considered trying to address what's going with you and your marriage to/with your wife? Like ID show I saw over the weekend with the guy with the fetishes who chose to pay escorts, only to find out that when his wife found out about the fetishes - she gave it a try and indulged in them with him. In other words, if you jump outside your RL instead of even giving your wife a chance to address what you need - then what's the point of being married? You should turn inwards - not outwards.

 

About your wife doing whatever you want? Made me think about Andrew McCarthy's wife in the Joy Luck Club. He's caucasian and from a rich family (who saw an Asian wife as bad for the family's "image"). So, at first his wife was ballsy, decisive, etc. But, like certain cultures - once she became his "wife" she "submitted" to his will. He saw it as her being a doormat and lost his interest in her when all she was doing is trying to be a good wife. Well, he had an affair and when he announced divorce - at first she was like 'take everything, I don't care'.

 

But THEN, he gave her the opportunity to see what went wrong in the marriage. He said he missed the woman she was when he met her (decisive, ballsy). So, she snapped and realized how much she crossed over into "doormat" rather than a good wife. Well, she gathered up her cojones and they reconciled.

 

My point is, maybe you're looking at what your wife is doing as being doormat and she deserves a chance to hear what she may be doing that's turning you off, that you need when it comes to sex, how to destress you - so she can get a chance to fix it instead of you running outside of the marriage first.

 

Now, about being in a foreign country? Like emmajane77 was referring to...did you ever consider that the stress of being away from home and all that is making you yearn for your 7th grade chick and putting a strain on your marriage? When I first left home to join the military I went back home all the time (even though I came from a dysfunctional home) cuz I missed what I "knew". I almost even got married!!! But, at some point I got comfortable with being on my own. So, see how far being away from home almost pushed me into doing stupid things? Something to consider...

 

And, lasty, but most important is your kids. Your 7th grade chick also has kids. Divorce, separations impact kids big time. Yes, kids are resilient, but they rely so much on the "nest" that is their original/nuclear home. To break up your kids' lives and uproot them on a "hop, skip, and wish" on a 7th grade crush that you don't know from Adam, IMO, is a recipe for disaster...on top of the fact that majority of "blended" families fail and 2nd marriages have over 70% divorce rate - especially cuz of complications with the kids.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Gloria25

[preraph]

I would caution that it sounds like you were a mere child when you last knew this girl and that if you were face to face, the chemistry might not even be there anymore. Have you at least Skyped with her?

[brighteyes804]

This is a hard one, as it seems you are unhappy living in the country you are and I wonder if you are actually home sick and this girl represents to you the states and a feeling of the past and home. You obviously have a strong connection with this woman but I think it is also easy to think that she is the answer to your problems or that the grass is always greener. I think you need to think about what you really want out of life and your motives. Think it through and be completely honest about the reasons you want to leave. Is it because you are bored with the country you live in, you don't love your wife or you want to start a life with the American woman ( which might not be a possibility as she is married) Would you be happy without your children. It doesn't sound as if you have a bad marriage and your wife sounds like a good person. Have you tried talking to your wife about your sex life or maybe the need to move back to the states. I think you should communicate with her and tell her what you have been feeling, otherwise things won't get better. Do you think there are things you can save from your marriage. Do you think that things would be better if the whole family moved back to the states. I also think that maybe the e-mailing to the girl from the states is exciting for you but who is to say that things will be the same as you remember them back then. She may not leave her husband or even if you do actually get it together that you will enjoy living together. These are all questions to think about. I know it is hard, sometimes in relationships the timing just doesn't seem to work out, but also don't be too nostalgic about the relationship and the past and think she will be the solution to all of your problems. Think about the good things you do have and weigh it up against what you would lose and gain. Good luck I hope it works out for you.

 

I am extremely unhappy living here, I have brought to my wife's attention, that I don't want to be here, on three occasions. She couldn't come back with me due to bills left back in the states. She said maybe 5 yrs. I can't wait that long and it really has gotten to the point of me wanting to leave, no matter if I end up with my lost love or not. I've been with my wife for 10 yrs and she doesn't want me to go. But I just feel I'm not getting anywhere here. I feel, since I've been here I''ve wasted my time, this depression has affected how I am as a husband and father. This is totally me, I think I changed for the worse. My wife feels I am choosing to not adjust. But I've made attempts and always come back, to wanting to go home. Yes, I have told here my problems with it, and maybe for the first week, she shows minimal affection and a little more sex, but she goes back to who she was before. And I can't make her change. I almost feel my homesickness is affecting what I want from my wife and at the same time, at the same time, my want to be with my first love, is affecting it as well.