Karpinter Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 My girlfriend is 6 months sober today and goes to AA. We have been dating almost 2 years. I had no idea she had a problem until she told me exactly 6 months ago. We both share custody of our children from previous marriages. Our time together has been limited to twice, maybe 3 days per week. I came across a journal of hers mixed in with some magazines and unfortunately, I read it.. A few days prior to telling me she was an alcoholic, apparently she got drunk somewhere and slept with someone or at least did something in appropriate, according to her journal entry. She stated that it has happened before and although doesn't want it to happen again, she figures it will unless she got sober.. I know I'm horrible for reading it, but because of my ex-wife, I fear I will be forever paranoid of what women do behind our backs... Any advice please!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Loved a few female alcoholics. Know this story well. Sometimes the alcoholism is the disease itself and sometimes it's self-medication for a brain issue. Expect the unexpected. Even with the ones I've known for many years, consistency was not a word I'd use to describe how things went. In fact, the only one who was really consistent as a friend died last year, yup, of alcohol-related organ failures. She was 49. What a waste. In that sense, my exW and I matched up real well. Neither of us loved alcohol or were/are addicted to it. TBH, I would, at the first sign of such an issue, exit. Life is too short and too many people I've loved have been wasted away or died. No thanks. OTOH, my exW has apparently had a successful relationship post-our M with a recovering alcoholic, now 20+ years in recovery. Good on her. Up to you on your deal. You know your risk tolerance best. Good luck and welcome to LS. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Ok now you know that she stepped out on you and now you know she's an alcoholic. Now you've been married before and from your description of your ex, she stepped out on you so the question I have is this. Why do you wish for a repeat performance? Already happened once and now it's happened again and even though she doesn't know that you know, doesn't matter. All that matters right now is if this is the type of woman you want to settle for. Being a alcoholic is a disease, cheating isn't. If you read this forums infidelity section, you'll see so many times that cheaters blame it on being drunk and didn't know what they were doing. In my opinion, start looking out for yourself and ask yourself if you can do better. She might be going to AA meetings and that's a good thing but you still have to deal with the inappropriate behavior that she hasn't told you about and you better remember that. She's withholding this information on you and not only is there a trust issue but a honesty issue too. You better think this one out real good and IMO move on. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Just do everything you can to support her sobriety. Encourage her to go to meetings. She very well may have stopped drinking because she was beginning to act irrationally. Give her a chance to prove her sobriety will keep her from repeating that. You know what alcohol does to people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karpinter Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 I want to give her the chance to prove it, but how do I look past what she did? I also read that she told a therapist she has also been going to, about what she did and also about her tumultuous sexual history... Whatever hat means. She wrote that she has to live with it but that I don't need to know.. Do I get her to admit it to me? I've thought about telling her she spoke in her sleep and said she was sorry to me(not true) but maybe that would get her to admit it? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You sound so torn and I totally get it. It's this struggle between: do I hold her to account for something she has been working so hard to change? Do I potentially break us up when she made this change to be a better and more honest/faithful partner? Why didn't she tell me the truth? Is it because she wants the relationship and knew that if it came to light that it would end? Will this repeat in the future? I really don't have any advice for you. Been There, Done That 60 billion times with my husband and have a closet full of t-shirts. She might change, she might be in a cycle. I guess....... I wouldn't suggest rug sweeping it. Perhaps joining Al-Anon etc. They might be better able to help you navigate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karpinter Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 I think I'm going to confront her tonight and admit I read her journal. After reading about when alcoholics blackout, and I can relate to doing some stupid stuff myself when drunk.. It doesn't excuse it, but she has taken the steps on her own to get her life together. Her stresses are great, she has a 9 year old autistic son which she has had to escape from by drinking.. I'm going to start by telling her that I have trust issues and I shouldn't have read it, but now I know and what do we do? Link to post Share on other sites
BikerAccnt Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Just be gentle with her. As someone in recovery myself (almost 2 years) there are many things I did while drunk, I am not proud of. Even if you can't get past what she did, make sure you let her know how much you approve of her present course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I agree with being gentle with her. She is newly sober (less than a year) and struggling. Whether you choose to stay with her or not, your support and honesty are valuable to her.... The path she's chosen to change her life is an honesty program. I would encourage you to give her the opportunity to be "honest" while keeping in mind she cared enough about you (and herself) to stop drinking. Evidently your relationship was important enough for her to make life altering changes. Good Luck. One of the steps in her program is the making of amends. Chances are one will be coming your way.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I agree with being gentle with her. She is newly sober (less than a year) and struggling. Whether you choose to stay with her or not, your support and honesty are valuable to her.... The path she's chosen to change her life is an honesty program. I would encourage you to give her the opportunity to be "honest" while keeping in mind she cared enough about you (and herself) to stop drinking. Evidently your relationship was important enough for her to make life altering changes. Good Luck. One of the steps in her program is the making of amends. Chances are one will be coming your way.... Pretty much agree with this. Glad you're not lying to her; there's no need to compound your problems. Admit to the snooping and trust issues. Personally, I think cheating CAN be a forgivable offense. But it requires true remorse on her part. Being six months sober after a decision that could have ended her relationship with you makes it sound like she's pretty remorseful. Unfortunately, she made a misguided decision to "protect you" which is perhaps more troublesome even than the sleeping around itself. Personally, I have no interest in partnering with someone that is all good with lying to me. I think her honesty (or lack thereof) from here on out should be a critical factor in your decisions. What might be helpful is if you had more information than what was in the journal (so you could verify that she's given the whole truth and not just what you already know). Any chance of tracking down emails or texts from six months back? Perhaps she shared with a friend? Being able to verify her honesty will help both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Do not push her for nitty gritty details. Even if she remembers, you will never get those pictures out of your head. Knowing the details about her "tumultuous" past will make your relationship worse, not better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karpinter Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 The last time she drank was the night that the encounter happened. Her sobriety started the day after, according to the journal. When we first started dating we both admitted our mistakes with our exes and she told me then that she cheated on her husband, just shortly after her son was born. I believe the other guy was married at the time. They worked together and went on a work trip down south somewhere and hooked up, I don't know how long it went on for.. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Try to remember that nearly all young women go through a phase of finding their sexual identity, as do young men. It doesn't last forever. It doesn't mean they'll be bad in a relationship they really care about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Karpinter Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 She's 48, so not a young woman. She's had plenty of relationships. I told her about reading the journal and she said it happened at one of her best friends houses where she went for dinner. Someone she dated a long time ago was there I guess, and after drinking heavily, she woke up in bed with this person. This immediately scared the hell out of her and stopped drinking and hasn't since. I just can't get over how this could happen and how much her friend mustn't really be a good friend at all... I know her friend has issues and is a mental wreck from what my girlfriend has previously said about her. She said the event really had nothing to do with me, it was her problem and of course didn't tell me for fear of losing me. She said she has forgiven herself as part of her AA meetings. After a lengthy difficult conversation she said the ball was in my court. I told her I wanted to be with her to continue this journey. being sober has given her clarity and peace that she says she can never imagine life without.. Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 She's 48, so not a young woman. She's had plenty of relationships. I told her about reading the journal and she said it happened at one of her best friends houses where she went for dinner. Someone she dated a long time ago was there I guess, and after drinking heavily, she woke up in bed with this person. This immediately scared the hell out of her and stopped drinking and hasn't since. I just can't get over how this could happen and how much her friend mustn't really be a good friend at all... I know her friend has issues and is a mental wreck from what my girlfriend has previously said about her. She said the event really had nothing to do with me, it was her problem and of course didn't tell me for fear of losing me. She said she has forgiven herself as part of her AA meetings. After a lengthy difficult conversation she said the ball was in my court. I told her I wanted to be with her to continue this journey. being sober has given her clarity and peace that she says she can never imagine life without.. Right on. I like you already.... It might be a bumpy road, but together you can accomplish much if you can get over her past!?! I might suggest you visit an Alanon meeting and a couple open AA meetings if you're in for the long haul..... Blessings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) Isn't one of the steps like to not get involved with people - cuz in doing so, that person may be the next thing the alcoholic "fixates" on? IMO, this woman needs to be alone to concentrate on her sobriety and kids...last thing she needs is the emotional roller coaster that comes with dating. Edited March 8, 2015 by Gloria25 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) Isn't one of the steps like to not get involved with people - cuz in doing so, that person may be the next thing the alcoholic "fixates" on? IMO, this woman needs to be alone to concentrate on her sobriety and kids...last thing she needs is the emotional roller coaster that comes with dating. Good point G25. Normally I agree. And definitely her focus should be on her.... Some Program oldtimers do suggest no major changes (divorce, new relationship, home sales, etc...) where possible for at least a year. In this case, they've been together over 6 months and he was, according to her journal, a defining reason for her seeking sobriety. Dating rollercoaster sometimes sucks under the best of conditions. In this case, OP could in fact prove to be a recovery tool... What do you think G25? Edited March 8, 2015 by lgspot Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Good point G25. Normally I agree. And definitely her focus should be on her.... Some Program oldtimers do suggest no major changes (divorce, new relationship, home sales, etc...) where possible for at least a year. In this case, they've been together over 6 months and he was, according to her journal, a defining reason for her seeking sobriety. Dating rollercoaster sometimes sucks under the best of conditions. In this case, OP could in fact prove to be a recovery tool... What do you think G25? What I put in bold is my point (again)...she needs to get sober w/o the crutch of a boyfriend. Imagine if they break up (which they will one day) she will probably hit the bottle again. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Isn't one of the steps like to not get involved with people - cuz in doing so, that person may be the next thing the alcoholic "fixates" on? IMO, this woman needs to be alone to concentrate on her sobriety and kids...last thing she needs is the emotional roller coaster that comes with dating. Nope! there is no step that says to not get involved with others. Normally I agree with your thoughtfull suggestions, this is one time where I think the advisal is murky. The Op is two years in recovery, so he should be alert to some of the signs should she relapse . Ironic as it is , AA teaches members to be that support line. yeah, two liars trying to get honest and sober! and it seriously can work! that is the irony.... ppl really do find sobriety:) Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Nope! there is no step that says to not get involved with others. Normally I agree with your thoughtfull suggestions, this is one time where I think the advisal is murky. The Op is two years in recovery, so he should be alert to some of the signs should she relapse . Ironic as it is , AA teaches members to be that support line. yeah, two liars trying to get honest and sober! and it seriously can work! that is the irony.... ppl really do find sobriety:) Why relationships can affect sobriety: Why You Should Avoid Relationships in Early Recovery | Sober Nation So what is considered "early recovery"? I mean, some people spend the rest of their lives "recovering"...just cuz someone is a few years into AA and/or therapy isn't indicative of their success. I mean, from what the OP already is stating about her, she seems like she has some work to do/healing instead of pursuing a RL. And again, she has kids that need her full attention too. The stress of dealing with alcoholism, kids, etc doesn't need the stress of a RL. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 She said she has forgiven herself as part of her AA meetings. After a lengthy difficult conversation she said the ball was in my court. I told her I wanted to be with her to continue this journey. Oh man, this must be hard for you. I'm glad she is serious about her recovery and hope she's successful. It's admirable in one sense that you're choosing to stay and support her... but in another sense I have to wonder if you fully grasp the implications to your own life and future of making that choice. It's a huge risk. About 90 percent of recovering alcoholics relapse during the first four years, and only about half (optimistically) fully recover, meaning remain permanently abstinent. It is an extremely complex disease, and recovery is equally complex. She basically has to dedicate her life to recovery in order to have a chance of success, so in that sense your life will always be about it as well... and it's completely outside of your realm of control. I am not trying to dissuade you from making that choice, but I do suggest that you fully educate yourself so that you can do so with your eyes wide open if that is what you choose. I would not knowingly begin a relationship with an alcoholic, either active or in the early stages of recovery, because I don't want to dedicate my life to someone else's alcoholism. But of course your situation isn't that simple. If you're deeply in love then perhaps you can't imagine a life without her... but dating 2 years (as opposed to being married) and having learned that she recently cheated, nobody is going to judge you harshly if you do not choose this as your future. All I'm saying is, make sure you're fully informed, have fully considered what you want in life, and are doing this for the right reasons, as opposed to the immediate pain/fear or an attempt to hold onto an illusion that doesn't really exist. I wish you both the best regardless of what you choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Why relationships can affect sobriety: Why You Should Avoid Relationships in Early Recovery | Sober Nation So what is considered "early recovery"? I mean, some people spend the rest of their lives "recovering"...just cuz someone is a few years into AA and/or therapy isn't indicative of their success. I mean, from what the OP already is stating about her, she seems like she has some work to do/healing instead of pursuing a RL. And again, she has kids that need her full attention too. The stress of dealing with alcoholism, kids, etc doesn't need the stress of a RL. Appreciate the link. It is informative. The Point I was making is that "Getting involved or not involved in a relationship " is NOT a step. Just clarifying that for other posters who assume. Everyday is a success when remaining sober, sorry its not a game of beat the clock, so much as sustain sobriety on a daily basis. The Op sounds mindful of the pitfalls, and seems alert to the ladies flaws. Its his choice to stay or stand back and gently allow her to prove herself. For some, having that support system can work, for others its a set back. Her poor choice in stepping out so to speak does seem to need addressed. The steps are journeys ....repeat. rinse, repeat, Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 karpinter, Please read this ;- Romantic Relationships in Recovery | Alcohol Rehab you will see that it recommends that recovering alchoholics don't date for at least a year after getting sober. If she is in a Programme she should know this. So it appears she has disregarded one aspect of the Programme. Whilst I commend her action on taking responsibility, I would wonder if she really is giving 100% to her sobriety? Only you can decide how to handle this. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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