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I'm wondering if any of you can recollect at what point you realised you were falling for someone as opposed to just being attracted to or interested in them? How did you feel and what were the signs to you that this was different? I was listening to Billy Ocean's song 'Red Light Spells Danger' (a terrific song by the way) which really describes that turning point when you suddenly realise you are hooked in a deeper way. It's pretty special but what's it all about really?

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In 1977, my favorite local band was auditioning new guitarists. I had found out a guy who had stalked me and very nearly raped me was auditioning and was really worried about having him in my inner circle. Then I found out a new guy got it that I didn't know and was very relieved. Once in the neighborhood, the new guy came into the record store where I worked and I found out that was him (their sax player worked there) and turned him onto a great band. Then he came into the store again with a black velvet trimmed black tweed overcoat billowing behind him right when Bowie's "Son's of the Silent Age" was playing, which turned out to be prescient: "Makes love only once but dreams and dreams." He looked like Marc Bolan, a hero of mine. I was spellbound.

 

But when I knew I was really in trouble was one night the gang was at the club and he sat down and we talked and he liked to talk about a lot of the stuff I was passionate about. This went on a couple of nights and on the second, we somehow morphed into characters with fake Russian accents, and he eventually dubbed us "Igor and Babushka." We got caught up doing that, and he just went with it and took my hand across the table and just then the drummer walked by and said "I see you two have finally announced your engagement" sarcastically, and then we all three walked outside together, but he and I stopped on the porch because it was raining and just kind of looked at each other and he took my hand, but he left alone. And that's when I knew I was in deep.

 

That was nearly 40 years ago, 1977. Today I found out he was in town for a wake and a friend of mine talked to him. She knows he and I haven't been in contact for awhile because I made him mad about his alcoholism about a decade ago when he had custody of his teen son. But I guess predictably, he doesn't remember that he was mad at me and conveyed to my friend that I haven't been in touch and that he's planning another trip to town soon and wants to see "everybody." But now he will be mad at me for being fat, even though he himself is fat. Sigh. Seeing old loves is such a mixed bag.

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autumnnight

It was multifaceted. I realized I wasn't just attracted or impressed; I admire him. I felt...honored to share time with him. I wanted to make his life better, and I knew he made mine better. I felt safe with him and knew, not just hoped, that I could trust him. I wanted his advice, his take on things, because I respected him. We just FIT. I wanted to be the woman to make him meatloaf and iron his shirt (yeah I know). I just knew.

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I can't recall in exact details "when" I fell for someone (which is not even enough guys to count on one hand), but I know when my feelings shift for someone...

 

-Over all, when I really like someone - believe it or not, I am scared of them. I sorta am "off balance" when I deal with them cuz I'm scared to f-it up. Also, I guess it's cuz I'm afraid to be vulnerable, whether or not they feel the same, if my hair/clothing isn't "right"...so, I still may interact with them, but I pretend like I'm cool as a cucumber and they're not all that. I may even be sort of mean/sarcastic towards them.

 

-But, at the same turn of a coin, I am always thinking of them and thinking of and trying to do ten things to make them happy and/or show them that I do have feelings for them. Like I'll buy them something I think they can make use of. Recently it was a pooper/scooper kit I thought they could make use of (they were on my mind so much that I'm just walking doing some shopping and thought "oh, so and so could use this"). Cooking is another thing I do for someone I care for. Over all, when I'm doing things some people would be considered as "submissive" that means I am falling for that guy. But, sometimes the "timing" of me buying that gift and/or showing how I care is inappropriate and comes off as creepy/weird?

 

-Another sign is, I can't find interest and/or attraction in other guys. I have no problem with seeing more than one person at a time (not keeping your eggs in one basket), but when I can't see myself even having a telephone convo with another guy, that means that I'm falling for one guy.

 

So, over all, for me it's a weird combo of being scared, trying to pretend like I'm not into them - but at the same time, I'm trying to do this or that to show that I "do" care. And, other guys not catching my eye.

 

Go figure...

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It was multifaceted. I realized I wasn't just attracted or impressed; I admire him. I felt...honored to share time with him. I wanted to make his life better, and I knew he made mine better. I felt safe with him and knew, not just hoped, that I could trust him. I wanted his advice, his take on things, because I respected him. We just FIT. I wanted to be the woman to make him meatloaf and iron his shirt (yeah I know). I just knew.

 

I love this. It's interesting how admiring him came up. I wonder if that has to be the case.

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I can't recall in exact details "when" I fell for someone (which is not even enough guys to count on one hand), but I know when my feelings shift for someone...

 

-Over all, when I really like someone - believe it or not, I am scared of them. I sorta am "off balance" when I deal with them cuz I'm scared to f-it up. Also, I guess it's cuz I'm afraid to be vulnerable, whether or not they feel the same, if my hair/clothing isn't "right"...so, I still may interact with them, but I pretend like I'm cool as a cucumber and they're not all that. I may even be sort of mean/sarcastic towards them.

 

-But, at the same turn of a coin, I am always thinking of them and thinking of and trying to do ten things to make them happy and/or show them that I do have feelings for them. Like I'll buy them something I think they can make use of. Recently it was a pooper/scooper kit I thought they could make use of (they were on my mind so much that I'm just walking doing some shopping and thought "oh, so and so could use this"). Cooking is another thing I do for someone I care for. Over all, when I'm doing things some people would be considered as "submissive" that means I am falling for that guy. But, sometimes the "timing" of me buying that gift and/or showing how I care is inappropriate and comes off as creepy/weird?

 

-Another sign is, I can't find interest and/or attraction in other guys. I have no problem with seeing more than one person at a time (not keeping your eggs in one basket), but when I can't see myself even having a telephone convo with another guy, that means that I'm falling for one guy.

 

So, over all, for me it's a weird combo of being scared, trying to pretend like I'm not into them - but at the same time, I'm trying to do this or that to show that I "do" care. And, other guys not catching my eye.

 

Go figure...

 

Really interesting, thanks, esp the bit about mentally becoming exclusive.

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In 1977, my favorite local band was auditioning new guitarists. I had found out a guy who had stalked me and very nearly raped me was auditioning and was really worried about having him in my inner circle. Then I found out a new guy got it that I didn't know and was very relieved. Once in the neighborhood, the new guy came into the record store where I worked and I found out that was him (their sax player worked there) and turned him onto a great band. Then he came into the store again with a black velvet trimmed black tweed overcoat billowing behind him right when Bowie's "Son's of the Silent Age" was playing, which turned out to be prescient: "Makes love only once but dreams and dreams." He looked like Marc Bolan, a hero of mine. I was spellbound.

 

But when I knew I was really in trouble was one night the gang was at the club and he sat down and we talked and he liked to talk about a lot of the stuff I was passionate about. This went on a couple of nights and on the second, we somehow morphed into characters with fake Russian accents, and he eventually dubbed us "Igor and Babushka." We got caught up doing that, and he just went with it and took my hand across the table and just then the drummer walked by and said "I see you two have finally announced your engagement" sarcastically, and then we all three walked outside together, but he and I stopped on the porch because it was raining and just kind of looked at each other and he took my hand, but he left alone. And that's when I knew I was in deep.

 

That was nearly 40 years ago, 1977. Today I found out he was in town for a wake and a friend of mine talked to him. She knows he and I haven't been in contact for awhile because I made him mad about his alcoholism about a decade ago when he had custody of his teen son. But I guess predictably, he doesn't remember that he was mad at me and conveyed to my friend that I haven't been in touch and that he's planning another trip to town soon and wants to see "everybody." But now he will be mad at me for being fat, even though he himself is fat. Sigh. Seeing old loves is such a mixed bag.

 

It sounds very romantic. It's so weird how just a gesture (like the one on the porch) can seem to make all the difference and yet it must have been going this way for a while.

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Really interesting, thanks, esp the bit about mentally becoming exclusive.

 

You know, late last nite like when some religious programs come on, this dude was on and he was talking about the link between "intimacy" and "sex"...

 

He sorta touched on some stuff that I pondered, but he explained it so well that it scared me and I couldn't sleep.

 

I noticed that over the years, I didn't have problems having sex with people I would not normally date, cuz I didn't care. I reduced sex to a "physical act"...

 

But now, even for a casual thing, I pick someone I would date in normal life - which makes it difficult to keep it casual. And, I see what he was trying to explain and it bothered me a lot and I couldn't sleep.

 

It bothered me cuz my recent crush, I don't know everything about him, but I knew enough to find things I like - even though there's things I do not like about him (i.e. we differ on levels/interest in of physical activity, but he's not overweight)

 

And, I was sort of relieved that he and I were not and will not ever have sex (cuz of course, he doesn't want to), cuz it would break my heart cuz I'm not what he'd date long term you know. I mean, if I had sex with him, that "intimacy" would take place cuz I'm picking someone I actually like and would date in real life. Oh gosh, and now that I think about it, that's probably why he turned me down - cuz he smelled that I probably am looking for more than just a hook-up (like gauis says, my desire to find a partner - although I say I don't, is just seeping out of my pores). :(

 

So, I also couldn't sleep last nite cuz I was so upset. What the heck am I gonna do here? I have problems being vulnerable and allowing myself to be "intimate", but I have sexual needs/desires and don't wanna just sleep with anyone to relieve it and go back to diminishing sex to a "physical act" (which it is in part).

 

So, back again where I ask "What the heck am I looking for?" I don't wanna get married and am not having kids, but I don't wanna be sleeping around either. And, I'm upset that I haven't been able to and will never be able to become intimate with my crush - but am glad cuz while I think I'd be with him just to "cure a sexual itch", I'm gonna be setting myself up to be hurt. :(

 

I need to get back to typing up my papers...lost enough sleep on this nonsense last nite. I'm done and just wanna turn a switch off already.

Edited by Gloria25
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You know, late last nite like when some religious programs come on, this dude was on and he was talking about the link between "intimacy" and "sex"...

 

He sorta touched on some stuff that I pondered, but he explained it so well that it scared me and I couldn't sleep.

 

I noticed that over the years, I didn't have problems having sex with people I would not normally date, cuz I didn't care. I reduced sex to a "physical act"...

 

But now, even for a casual thing, I pick someone I would date in normal life - which makes it difficult to keep it casual. And, I see what he was trying to explain and it bothered me a lot and I couldn't sleep.

 

It bothered me cuz my recent crush, I don't know everything about him, but I knew enough to find things I like - even though there's things I do not like about him (i.e. we differ on levels/interest in of physical activity, but he's not overweight)

 

And, I was sort of relieved that he and I were not and will not ever have sex (cuz of course, he doesn't want to), cuz it would break my heart cuz I'm not what he'd date long term you know. I mean, if I had sex with him, that "intimacy" would take place cuz I'm picking someone I actually like and would date in real life. Oh gosh, and now that I think about it, that's probably why he turned me down - cuz he smelled that I probably am looking for more than just a hook-up (like gauis says, my desire to find a partner - although I say I don't, is just seeping out of my pores). :(

 

So, I also couldn't sleep last nite cuz I was so upset. What the heck am I gonna do here? I have problems being vulnerable and allowing myself to be "intimate", but I have sexual needs/desires and don't wanna just sleep with anyone to relieve it and go back to diminishing sex to a "physical act" (which it is in part).

 

So, back again where I ask "What the heck am I looking for?" I don't wanna get married and am not having kids, but I don't wanna be sleeping around either. And, I'm upset that I haven't been able to and will never be able to become intimate with my crush - but am glad cuz while I think I'd be with him just to "cure a sexual itch", I'm gonna be setting myself up to be hurt. :(

 

I need to get back to typing up my papers...lost enough sleep on this nonsense last nite. I'm done and just wanna turn a switch off already.

 

Completely understand your dilemma Gloria, had the same issues for years. What was the guy on radio talking about regarding intimacy and sex?

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What's your story, Spiderowl? I bet you have a good one to be asking the question.

 

Fair enough preraph. I don't really have one as yet. Been talking to a guy and somehow there seems to be a connection which has surprised me, but we haven't met again yet. We did meet a few years ago but the time wasn't right then and we both went our separate ways. We are in touch again now and he seems keen to talk regularly and I am not backing out, which is something I do tend to do because I don't like to feel trapped. It could all come to nothing but something feels different. Not much of an explanation I know.

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Completely understand your dilemma Gloria, had the same issues for years. What was the guy on radio talking about regarding intimacy and sex?

 

It was a religious guy on late, late, late nite TV - like "infomercial time".

 

He was trying to remind people that sex is not just a physical act. And, he used examples of people being damaged by rape, molestation, and sex before marriage.

 

His point was that "intimacy" as something that God created as a "gift" to us - which we achieve through sex. And, that sex is not just to procreate - which surprises me cuz from what I understand many religions don't advocate much in the bedroom to give pleasure - pretty much missionary and staring into each other's eyes.

 

He said that if sex was "just a physical act" then why do people who were raped and/or molested simply can't just put it behind them and move on?

 

He said sex and our sexuality is linked to our core (something I've believed for years).

 

He also said that when people marry after having premarital sex with people other than their spouses, is why some people fail to "connect" in the bedroom (especially women) because their spouse cannot "reach" them, cuz before they married, sex was just with whomever they dated....

 

And, I also get his point cuz my fav podcaster always spoke to how women, after they have sex as part of a "relationship" and the relationship ends, they go to the next guy, and the next guy and while they were not hoing/sluttting around - they still gave up their "core"/"intimacy" with more than one person...So, after a while they get crass. That's why IMO, you see women, after a certain while of having sex just cuz it's expected in dating, become more picky and guarded cuz they don't wanna lose piece of their "soul/core" again for it only to fizzle.

 

I mean, how many times do we hear of women who "bond" with guys after sex happens and they want more when they didn't take the time to get to know the guy? And, how many times do we hear how sex makes people (both men and women) "think" more is there than there actually is? Cuz sex, is a form of intimacy you share with another person, you can't just reduce it to a "physical act" or a "job" (like hookers do), cuz if you do, you are destroying your core/soul.

 

Also, look at how we react (especially women) when we hear someone we cared for was "intimate" with another person. It tears at us to know they shared something with "us" that they shared with others. I think even here on LS recently some people started threads about how sex with the OW/OM really bothered them.

 

So, he was brining up points of views and things I've heard of/realized over the years, but the way he explained it made it more understandable to me and hit me home so hard that I had problems sleeping thinking about it.

Edited by Gloria25
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Rape is a violent act, motivated more by control than anything else. Entitlement plays a big part, but that's where the control comes in. Asserting control to get what they feel they're entitled to. Many rapists are also impotent, and that's one of the main reasons profilers have come to the conclusion it's more about control.

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Rape is a violent act, motivated more by control than anything else. Entitlement plays a big part, but that's where the control comes in. Asserting control to get what they feel they're entitled to. Many rapists are also impotent, and that's one of the main reasons profilers have come to the conclusion it's more about control.

 

I got that, but the religious guy was trying to explain how sex is just not a "physical act" cuz of the impact things like rape, molestation, and casual sex have on a person's psyche.

 

And for those same reasons I believe rape is a tool used to control and destroy people - even rape to men - cuz, the impact is so strong on the victim.

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I've had this song from Demi Lovato in my back pocket since it came out, so, since the cat's out of the bag, I guess I'll post it here to show how I get when I'm falling/into someone for sure...which is a contradictory combo of me wanting to be girly and stuff - yet wanting to hide it and my feelings.

 

Demi Lovato - "Heart attack"

 

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autumnnight
I got that, but the religious guy was trying to explain how sex is just not a "physical act" cuz of the impact things like rape, molestation, and casual sex have on a person's psyche.

 

And for those same reasons I believe rape is a tool used to control and destroy people - even rape to men - cuz, the impact is so strong on the victim.

 

Actually, there is physiological backing for the idea that having sex IS more than scratching an itch. When a woman has an orgasm, it releases the same type of chemicals that are released during childbirth. It is nature's way of promoting the nurturing and bonding feeling with the child. It is instinctual. S every time we are with someone and those chemicals are released, and we go "on to the next," we have to learn to ignore the chemical reaction created with the previous partner.

 

That is why I do not think that boinking a bunch of people before you settle down automatically makes you a better marriage partner ;)

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Actually, there is physiological backing for the idea that having sex IS more than scratching an itch. When a woman has an orgasm, it releases the same type of chemicals that are released during childbirth. It is nature's way of promoting the nurturing and bonding feeling with the child. It is instinctual. S every time we are with someone and those chemicals are released, and we go "on to the next," we have to learn to ignore the chemical reaction created with the previous partner.

 

That is why I do not think that boinking a bunch of people before you settle down automatically makes you a better marriage partner ;)

 

And, that was his point about engaging in so much sex with one, two, or X amount of people before settling down. He said it's like you practice treating intimacy so casual that by the time you get married - it's hard for you to "connect" with that person cuz you "disconnected" over and over each time you slept with a new person.

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autumnnight
And, that was his point about engaging in so much sex with one, two, or X amount of people before settling down. He said it's like you practice treating intimacy so casual that by the time you get married - it's hard for you to "connect" with that person cuz you "disconnected" over and over each time you slept with a new person.

 

Yep. It would be interesting to know who that speaker was. I wonder if it was the same one I have heard and read.

 

As to the original question, I learned the hard way that the answer to "when did you know" is NOT when I feel the magic or butterflies. It is after I've objectively observed my way around those butterflies.

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Oh no, it's starting to matter if he phones or not! His reasons for not being able to phone last night didn't seem plausible, not that I expect him to but he has been doing. I never asked him or harassed him in any way over it. Now I'm getting spooked that he's busy talking to others instead. He did phone this evening, unusually early. I am seriously thinking of backing out now as I hate this uncertainty. It seems either I'm not interested and don't really care or I am interested and then become too vulnerable. I don't want to put myself at risk of hurt again and it feels like he's not so bothered now.

 

Any advice?

Edited by spiderowl
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Oh no, it's starting to matter if he phones or not! His reasons for not being able to phone last night didn't seem plausible, not that I expect him to but he has been doing. I never asked him or harassed him in any way over it. Now I'm getting spooked that he's busy talking to others instead. He did phone this evening, unusually early. I am seriously thinking of backing out now as I hate this uncertainty. It seems either I'm not interested and don't really care or I am interested and then become too vulnerable. I don't want to put myself at risk of hurt again and it feels like he's not so bothered now.

 

Any advice?

 

Well, have you two stated if either harbors romantic feelings for each other? Cuz from what you described sounds like two friendly people catching up and now he's going back into his world - which may have nothing to do with him seeing others and/or if he's interested in you.

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Thanks Gloria, good to hear from you.

 

He originally got in touch saying he'd like to meet me if I wasn't seeing anyone else. Not sure if that means he has romantic intentions or not, but he did ask me out and was going to take me for a meal. This is still planned as far as I can tell. We've talked a lot recently and he doesn't flirt in the way other guys do. He's been a gentleman but with the occasional hint dropped in that he's thinking of other things (mention of lovemaking, for example, which I thought was quite sweet as I really dislike it if all a guy does is flirt and try to talk sex when he hardly knows me).

 

Can't remember what your question was now ... yes, I think there were some romantic intentions there but he's certainly keeping his cards up his sleeve, perhaps until we meet again. Prob is, I have a history of being uncertain and vague with guys and then becoming interested just as they give up on me :( Maybe he's given up.

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todreaminblue

Respecting them and the way they are for who they are....like another poster said wanting to know their take on things , wanting to spend time with them...noticing beauty about them that you wouldnt normally notice...how soft their skin how warm their smile is....the twinkle when they think of something funny.and all you want to do is ask hey whatcha thinking share it with me......recognising their flaws and knowing its nothing you cant handle...you actually want to handle them.....

 

wanting them to do well in everything they do, wanting to help them achieve their dreams, wanting them to be happy even if you aren't, cheering internally when they do well....knowing you would give your place in a thousand person line up at a check out.....just to bring a smile to their face

 

 

when you can eb totally annoyed with their actions or words.....but if anyone else says something you go nah dont go there.....you stick up for them even if you dont agree with what they have said or done.....no one else can say crap

 

looking forward to seeing them ..and feeling a lightness of being...a sense of joy....even if its from across a room....just seeing them makes you smile......when you see them your internal body temp goes up about five degrees...and the air conditioning doesnt seem to be working...then theres the fact they could be wearing a burlap sack be unshaven covered in mud and bruised and battered after a hard week.......they look like hell incarnate....and you still find them cute...when i want to bake for them......anything and everything.....deb

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Respecting them and the way they are for who they are....like another poster said wanting to know their take on things , wanting to spend time with them...noticing beauty about them that you wouldnt normally notice...how soft their skin how warm their smile is....the twinkle when they think of something funny.and all you want to do is ask hey whatcha thinking share it with me......recognising their flaws and knowing its nothing you cant handle...you actually want to handle them.....

 

wanting them to do well in everything they do, wanting to help them achieve their dreams, wanting them to be happy even if you aren't, cheering internally when they do well....knowing you would give your place in a thousand person line up at a check out.....just to bring a smile to their face

 

 

when you can eb totally annoyed with their actions or words.....but if anyone else says something you go nah dont go there.....you stick up for them even if you dont agree with what they have said or done.....no one else can say crap

 

looking forward to seeing them ..and feeling a lightness of being...a sense of joy....even if its from across a room....just seeing them makes you smile......when you see them your internal body temp goes up about five degrees...and the air conditioning doesnt seem to be working...then theres the fact they could be wearing a burlap sack be unshaven covered in mud and bruised and battered after a hard week.......they look like hell incarnate....and you still find them cute...when i want to bake for them......anything and everything.....deb

 

Thanks Deb, that sounds awfully familiar ...

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todreaminblue
Thanks Deb, that sounds awfully familiar ...

 

 

to you spider owl? or have i posted it somewhere else and just repeated myself ...if so ...sorry...deb

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