Aquarius woman

[disrespected]

Dating an Aquarius woman is so confusing sometimes, a lot of mixed signals, Im a cancer and I can't figure this woman out.

-she wants me with her, then she doesn't

-she wants space but gets upset if I don't contact her

-argues about stupid things

-doesn't want to commit, but says she loves me and Im the only one for her

-pushes me away when we spend a lot of time together

 

and so on

 

I'm just a simple guy and can't figure this **** out

 

Aquarius women comments?

 

 

any guy going through this?

[salparadise]

I dated a woman like that once. She was a Leo. I consulted an astrologer to figure out what the problem was and he said it was an astro-personality disorder.

[Frank2thepoint]

-she wants space but gets upset if I don't contact her

 

I have an Aquarius friend that I only keep as a friend. She is independent and keeps herself busy. I knew this from the very beginning. On a rare occasion we do hang out and do activities, which really is great for me because my single friends are lame and boring that don't want to do anything, while my married friends have no free time or money. But she has complained about me not talking to her as frequently.

 

I've dealt with other Aquarius in the past, and my suggestion for you since you are a water sign, is keep a safe distance and ONLY keep her as a friend. They are fun and independent to hang out with.

 

I consulted an astrologer to figure out what the problem was and he said it was an astro-personality disorder.

 

Is everything a disorder nowadays?

[badpenny]

Dating anY Aquarius Pisces Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Saggitarius Capricorn woman is so confusing sometimes, a lot of mixed signals, Im a cancer and I can't figure this woman out.

-she wants me with her, then she doesn't

-she wants space but gets upset if I don't contact her

-argues about stupid things

-doesn't want to commit, but says she loves me and Im the only one for her

-pushes me away when we spend a lot of time together

 

and so on

 

I'm just a simple guy and can't figure this **** out

 

Aquarius women comments?

 

 

any guy going through this?

 

I had to correct that for you because much as I hate to admit it, as a woman, we're all pretty complicated....

 

The only thing I can liken this to, is the coming and going of the tides..... first they're in, then they're out, then - oh look, guess what? - They're in again.

 

Maybe it's not so much the star-sign you need to focus on, but the actual ability to communicate.

 

PS: I have no belief in Astrology. Cynical bunch, we Arians....

[Otter2569]

I dated one once and it was not good. Nice, fun but full of contradictions and impossible to figure out. Her sister and brother in law even warned me in advance. Since she was hot, had a huge rack, never married. no kids and hadnt had a relationship in years I thought it was going to be easy pickings...man, I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

There are plenty of astrological profiles on line that you can use for compatibility, how do date, how to seduce... that may give you some insight.

 

Good luck brother!

[disrespected]

Yes, very hard to figure out, and being a cancer I'm all about family, relationships and commitment . feel as if she is always on the lookout for someone else

[coolheadal]

Wrong sign for you as you can see what your going through now. I had dated Aquarius woman and it wasn't fun. You need to follow what works with your sign. I still say you should go after the same sign you are! Because then you have a better chance not to get into arguments. Right now I live in NOW an full enlightenment with joy, peace and harmony.

 

Think about all you posted so far and go with your heart. This is not the way to live and to be treated like this. Arguments are unhealthy and provides you with negative energy (stress, being unhappy an etc.) You can't change her into something she's not and nor can she. Just say hey this relationship is not working out for me I think we should end things now.

[most_distant_galaxy]

Aquarius can be quite detached for a cutie cancer. I used to have a friend who was aquarius and 1) she had cheated on all her boyfriends 2) she hit on guys I liked 3) when her friends had problems she disappeared. Well obviously we aren't friends now.

[salparadise]

I think you have to see these behaviors for what they are and not try to correlate everything to her sign. I have some experience with such behaviors and I can tell you for certain that they are indicative of issues beyond astrological compatibility. It's a recognizable pattern, and as you seem to have already figured out, it probably precludes harmonious romantic relationship. The push-pull stuff will drive a man nuts in no time. You haven't elaborated on how mild or extreme it is, but I'm guessing it's not subtle––correct?

[disrespected]

not subtle at all, goes from :she loves me , she can't see herself with anyone else, she's committed

TO

wanting space, doesn't want to be owned, doesn't want to commit and so on

 

I have my own home but she wanted me to be with her all the time, then she says I'm smothering her, when I give her space she gets upset if I don't contact her.

 

very frustrating

[Downtown]

not subtle at all, goes from :she loves me , she can't see herself with anyone else, she's committed TO wanting space, doesn't want to be owned, doesn't want to commit and so on. I have my own home but she wanted me to be with her all the time, then she says I'm smothering her, when I give her space she gets upset if I don't contact her.

Disrespected, I agree with Sal that you may be describing some of the warning signs for a Personality Disorder. Importantly, we are not suggesting your GF has a full-blown PD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, we are simply suggesting that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of one. Even when PD traits fall well short of the diagnostic guidelines for having a full-blown PD, they still can be sufficiently strong to fully undermine a relationship and make your life miserable.

 

Sal and I are mentioning this possibility because you are describing her as doing rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you and pushing you away). Such rapid flips, which can occur in less than a minute, often arise when a person has two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment.

 

The main problem with having BOTH of these fears -- if this is the case with your GF -- is that they lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you move close to her to assure her of your love and devotion, you will trigger her engulfment fear -- making her feel suffocated and controlled by you. That's when she will start projecting that scary feeling onto you, with the result that -- at a conscious level -- she will be convinced YOU are the source of the scary feelings. The result will be that she will create arguments -- over nothing at all -- to push you away.

 

Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will be drawing close to triggering her abandonment fear, which lies at the other end of that same spectrum. The result will be the push-you-away (when she feels engulfed and smothered) and pull-you-back (when she feels abandoned) that you describe. If you are actually seeing this push-pull cycle, you may also be seeing some other warning signs that often accompany it.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 Warning Signs. If you find most of those signs to sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Sal in discussing them with you. Take care, Disrespected.

[disrespected]

Thank you for your time, everything you described she has done, #1 right through to #18.

I talked to her for hours last night on the phone, now today she won't even answer my texts, only 2 , a "good morning" and a "how was your day" nothing pushy or needy

 

I'm not sure why I love this woman so much, I actually feel now that I want to help her in some way. is there anything that I can do.

 

Also she drinks almost every night, and not just a few sips of wine, drinks till she is drunk

Edited February 28, 2015 by disrespected

[Downtown]

Everything you described she has done, #1 right through to #18.

Rob, please keep in mind that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." BPD is not a disease. Rather, it is a group of basic human behaviors (ego defenses, actually) that every person on the planet has to some degree. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has it to some degree. At various stages of our lives, it is common for even healthy people to find themselves at the upper end of that spectrum. During early childhood, for example, you and I behaved like BPDers on a 24/7 basis. And most people start behaving that way again for a few years in adolescence when the hormones are raging.

 

At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. But you are capable of spotting strong occurrences of BPD traits. Because we all exhibit these traits to some degree, we all know what they look like from the outside and what they feel like on the inside. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and irrational jealousy.

 

Of course, only a professional can determine whether her BPD traits are so severe and persistent as to satisfy 100% of the criteria for "having BPD." Yet, for your purposes as the abused partner, the important issue is not whether she has a full-blown PD but, rather, whether she has such strong traits that they are destroying your relationship by making it toxic to both of you. Even when PD traits fall well short of the diagnostic guidelines for having a full-blown PD, they still can be sufficiently strong to fully undermine a relationship and make your life miserable.

 

An important question, then, is not whether she exhibits all 18 of those warning signs -- as you say she does -- but, rather, whether most of those signs are appearing at an unusually strong level (compared to other women you've dated or otherwise known). I don't know the answer to that question but I am confident that you are able to recognize strong warning signs when they occur. I therefore suggest you follow the second link I provided and read my posts in Rebel's thread. I believe that discussion will help you recognize what strong BPD traits look like.

 

I'm not sure why I love this woman so much,

If she has strong BPD traits, Rob, the answer is simple: When a BPDer (person with strong traits) is behaving well, she is very VERY good. She will be very loving and caring and simply adore you -- and she will exhibit an intensity and purity of emotional expression that otherwise is only seen in young children. Hence, coming home to a BPDer woman on a GOOD day is like opening the door to see a four-year-old daughter come running for you with her arms outstretched. If you want to see what this looks like, just watch any of the old movies with Marilyn Monroe in it. Her biographers claim she had full-blown BPD.

 

I actually feel now that I want to help her in some way. is there anything that I can do.

No, not if she has strong BPD traits. These traits arise from a lack of emotional skills because the BPDer's emotional development is stunted at the level of a four year old. Although a BPDer can learn how to acquire such skills, she must want to do so very badly -- and be willing to spend several years acquiring them in therapy.

[salparadise]

I'm not sure why I love this woman so much, I actually feel now that I want to help her in some way. is there anything that I can do.

 

In addition to what Downtown said, you may have a "rescuer" type of personality yourself. This predisposition makes for the perfect codependent. A codependent loves the adoration cycle, and embraces the notion that they can save her from her own misery when she's "splitting" by being the steady, devoted mate in the face of withering criticism and outbursts. Men with healthy boundaries and self-esteem won't put up with it and walk away as soon as it begins. The BPDer usually suppresses such behavior until they believe the attachment is secure... a few months into the relationship.

 

Also she drinks almost every night, and not just a few sips of wine, drinks till she is drunk

 

Most BPDers have some form of addiction, so this may be hers. She may have others as well, such as hoarding, shopping, gambling, etc.

[disrespected]

She has strong BPD traits , will she ever grow out of this? when she out of the blue starts arguing with me over nothing important, I just let her vent for however long, then its usually fine.

We have only been together for a year, but I can't see myself going through this for the next 30 years, and I can definetly not say to her that she has BPD and needs help.

If theres no light at the end of the tunnel , I think it may be best for me to move on.

Rob

[whichwayisup]

Dating an Aquarius woman is so confusing sometimes, a lot of mixed signals, Im a cancer and I can't figure this woman out.

-she wants me with her, then she doesn't

-she wants space but gets upset if I don't contact her

-argues about stupid things

-doesn't want to commit, but says she loves me and Im the only one for her

-pushes me away when we spend a lot of time together

 

and so on

 

I'm just a simple guy and can't figure this **** out

 

Aquarius women comments?

 

 

any guy going through this?

 

Yes, ALL Aquarius women are like this.

 

This has nothing to do with her sign, it has to do with WHO she is as a person and how she has issues or is messing with you (playing immature games). Women (and men) who act like the above aren't worth having around. Dump her and find someone else.

 

If someone truly wants you, they will make lots of effort to make time and they won't be rude/mean/play games. They will be honest, kind and sincere.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, very hard to figure out, and being a cancer I'm all about family, relationships and commitment . feel as if she is always on the lookout for someone else

 

All traits of someone who really isn't into you. Nothing to do with her sign.

[whichwayisup]

She has strong BPD traits , will she ever grow out of this? when she out of the blue starts arguing with me over nothing important, I just let her vent for however long, then its usually fine.

We have only been together for a year, but I can't see myself going through this for the next 30 years, and I can definetly not say to her that she has BPD and needs help.

If theres no light at the end of the tunnel , I think it may be best for me to move on.

Rob

 

Love or not, she's not right for you. You two are so different (and not in good ways) and her drinking, her personality or disorder doesn't suit your life well at all.

 

You can't rescue her, fix her or try to be her knight in shining armour.

 

End it, this girl has the potential to hurt you deeply, even more so since you are very invested in her.

[disrespected]

Thank you, your right, its very unhealthy , I deserve better.

[salparadise]

She has strong BPD traits , will she ever grow out of this? when she out of the blue starts arguing with me over nothing important, I just let her vent for however long, then its usually fine.

We have only been together for a year, but I can't see myself going through this for the next 30 years, and I can definetly not say to her that she has BPD and needs help.

If theres no light at the end of the tunnel , I think it may be best for me to move on.

Rob

 

No, she won't grow out of it. The prognosis is not good for therapy either. Many therapists won't work with BPD people, or if the do they limit it to one patient at any given time. They tend to be resistant, try to manipulate and/or make unreasonable demands on the therapist, and quit long before making any real progress. Most therapeutic approaches are ineffective anyway, but DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), a variation of cognitive behavioral therapy, has been known to provide some benefit.

 

It's important for you to realize though, even if she were to find a good therapist and stick with it (for years), any benefit would be a reduction of the behaviors by learning more socially acceptable ways to cope. It's not going to go away in the sense that she'd be cured. She will always have the essential features.

[Downtown]

She has strong BPD traits, will she ever grow out of this?

No, Rob. As Sal explained above, that won't happen if she's already in her mid-twenties. If she has strong and persistent BPD traits, the damage to her emotional core likely occurred before age five. The time to "grow out of this," then, was when she was a young child. Most likely, a childhood trauma (or genetic predisposition) prevented her from doing that. Granted, there are excellent therapy programs available in most large cities that will teach BPDers those missing emotional skills. But, as Sal observed, it is rare for a BPDer to be willing to seek out those programs and remain in them long enough to make a difference.

 

A few recent empirical studies have found evidence that the BPD traits do become less pronounced, to some extent, starting in the mid-forties. Yet, without extensive treatment, the traits do remain. My experience is that, regardless of whether the BPDer gets a bit milder during mid-life or not, her behavior toward the spouse likely will get progressively worse until the marriage ends after about 12-15 years.

 

At that point, the BPDers abandonment fear has grown so painful -- due to her seeing her body age over the years -- that she will preemptively abandon her spouse to prevent him from doing it to her -- and to stop the sheer pain of fearing the abandonment. Also, as the years go by, she will become increasingly resentful of her partner's inability to make her happy (an impossible task). That's what happened to me and to hundreds of other abused spouses/partners I've communicated with.

 

when she out of the blue starts arguing with me over nothing important, I just let her vent for however long, then its usually fine.

Yes, that's what most abused partners do when living with a BPDer (or with a narcissist). They carefully avoid discussing anything when they suspect the partner is about to explode into a hissy fit or rage. This is called "walking on eggshells." Not surprisingly, the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

We have only been together for a year, but I can't see myself going through this for the next 30 years, and I can definitely not say to her that she has BPD and needs help.

Rob, in case you decide to leave her, I offer several suggestions that may help your breakup be less painful:

 

As an initial matter, I agree with your decision to NOT tell her about your suspicions of strong BPD traits. If she is a BPDer, she almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage her to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell her.

 

Second, I suggest you read the excellent articles in the resources section at BPDfamily. My two favorites are article 9 at Surviving a Breakup with a BPDer and article 10 at Leaving a Partner with BPD. The first explains why a breakup is desirable and the second gives useful tips for minimizing the vindictiveness and meanness that likely will occur.

 

Third, I suggest that, if you ever get really tempted to take her back, you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

 

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers.

[disrespected]

Thank You again, we are on a temporary break right now, haven't seen her for 2 weeks, as I mentioned we talked last night for a few hours , but she hasn't replied to me today...I will keep you posted to what happens.

 

Rob

[stillafool]

Why don't you just save your heart and time and leave her alone for good? It is clear she's scattered. Is this what you want in a girlfriend?

[still_an_Angel]

Not all aquarians are like your gf. This is her personality shining through.

[Gloria25]

I don't believe in the whole "mystical" aspect of astrology, but I sorta believe when you're born sorta can be connected to a sign - like someone who is born in a warm country may have a tolerance for heat or skin a certain way cuz it was exposed to sunlight a lot.

 

I'm an Aries and pretty much meet the description of those stubborn, firey beasts!!!

 

Lol!!!

 

http:// http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aries.htm

Edited February 28, 2015 by Gloria25