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man i've fallen for is back with ex GF


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I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone, i was quite happy and excited having started a new job, moved into a new apartment, but then it happened and now i'm miserable...

 

The man i have been seeing for the past few weeks is tall, handsome, charming, thoughtful, intelligent and i work with him. Now i do think it is always a bad idea to get involved with anyone i work with but the chemistry between us was obvious from the moment we met and i finally gave into his flirting and we have spent a few happy weeks seeing each other, not just sex but real quality time together, talking, having dinner, he helped me move into my apartment and i'm helping him with his studies.

 

I knew that he had an ex girlfriend, some young girl (we're both in our late 20's) who wanted him back, to the extent that she would come and hang around our workplace to see him.

 

This weekend she came into work again and was fawning all over him and i could tell that he was flirting back. I was not impressed. Especially when two minutes later he was out back flirting with me. We had kept the fact that we were seeing each other a secret because it didn't seem very professional for us to make it known, but my closest friend at work knew, as did his. I was so upset on Friday night that i couldn't talk to him and went home very confused - especially when he kissed me goodbye as if nothing was wrong.

 

Next night at work my firend discovered that he and his GF decided to give it another go that night. So next night at work i toally ignored him. He kept trying to catch my eye and i could tell that he just didn't get that anything was wrong. So i decided that it was high time everyone found out and proceeded to tell all of our workmates what was going on. Now it's just a matter of counting down until his GF finds out, becasue i am pretty sure he has not told her that he has been seeing me whilst (obviously) he was in the process of getting back with her.

 

Yesterday he sent me a text message as if nothing was the matter - i ignored it. How could he do this to me? What on earth am i going to say to him? I know i can't give him an ultimatum because he will obviously choose to be with her but how do i let ihm know that i do not appreciate being treated that way?

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i can't just ignore it though, because i have to see this guy at work every weekend! And seeing his GF come in and hanging all over him is just going to tear me up.

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bluechocolate

i can't just ignore it though, because i have to see this guy at work every weekend! And seeing his GF come in and hanging all over him is just going to tear me up.

 

Which is why this

 

Now i do think it is always a bad idea to get involved with anyone i work with

 

is the best philosophy.

 

But what's done is done.

 

What are your options? 1 - quit your job, or 2 - get over it.

 

Has he actually told you that he is back with his girlfriend? If no & he's still flirting with you then he's a jerk anyway, isn't he? Don't sweat it. Consider yourself lucky it was only a few weeks. You'll get over him soon enough.

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Oh yes, that's the best part - he hasn't even had the decency to tell me he is back with his GF! I think he is planning to still see me on the side!!! And his poor sap of a GF wouldn't even suspect! She probably thinks i'm not his type!

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Then drop and ignore him, distance yourself emotionally, move on and keep going with your own life but don't quit your job. Good luck.

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I know that it sounds brattish but i really do feel like stamping my foot and saying that it's just not fair!

 

What does she have that i don't? I'm not a horrid person, i don't lie or cheat, ( i think she cheated on him, that's why they split up) i'm educated (she's just a kid) , good looking (she's not), have a good body (she doesn't), am great in bed (or so i'm told) and yet, here i am, being passed over yet again. I know they have history, but that never stopped my ex BF's leaving me for other people so don't give me that!

 

...

 

Ok, brat attack over. I know i just have to try to ignore it all but it get's hard as you climb into an empty bed, you know?

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He's a bonafide a$$. And I've known people to cheat with absolute mutts when they were involved/married to an attractive person. It has nothing to do with your looks or personality.

 

Keep your cool, make it clear if he hits on you that you are no longer interested in him. Be polite but disinterested in him or any BS he may use on you.

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i'm sorry, zara. :o

 

 

people are a-holes.

 

and not only that, if it was best to keep your thing with him under wraps at work, then how professional is it for him to let this girl come around the workplace for flirting purposes?

 

:) i think you are more than entitled to a "brat attack." take all the time you need!

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JessicaAlmond

I think you are upset because he left you for her and only wants to try to have you as the side girl and it's an ego-bruiser.

 

I think you made a mistake in telling everyone at work, because come tomorrow he leaves the girl and wants you back(and I have a feeling you'll return) what then?

 

Your acting really immature in the fact that you didn't go up to him directly and ask him if they are together again and are just going by hear-say. If in fact he is with her and wants you on the side then he's a jerk and your better off without him.

 

I agress with blue..#1 quit your job or get over it.

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Originally posted by sami

Easy said, hard done. You would only know if you were in her shoes.

 

I find it better to keep calm at a job than to let someone else anger me publicly or allow my pain to show to someone.

 

Neither of us, Sami, are currently in Zara's shoes. I am only offering advice as you did. I've read other things she has posted on LS and I think she's a pretty cool individual.

 

Zara, chalk it up to an experience with a loser, and get out and have a good time! :)

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morrigan

 

i wouldn't worry about sami so much.

 

some people on this forum seem to think that if your opinions or advice are not the same as their own, it should become their personal crusade to to tell you why you are wrong and how you should change your mind. blah, i don't go for that, and that's not what this is for.

 

there's a very convenient "ignore" button for this purpose. it doesn't make you a nasty person, it just means you don't want to be bothered.

 

 

[/b]ZARA

 

is it possible to talk to him and ask him what's going on? even if you've become disinterested in him because of his behaviour, maybe he does have something to say, and it might make you feel better or understand what's going on, at least.

 

don't fall for bullsh*t though! (as i am sure you would not)

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Thanks for all of your advice.

Although i do think that you're making quite a value based judgement on me by calling me immature Jessica. The evidence i have is reliable, not simply gossip, and the opportunity for me to speak to him directly has not yet presented itself - as Morrigan says, i think it better to remain calm at work, so need to find the appropriate time to have such a discussion.

 

I received an email from him on Monday, that i only read today since i have been ill. In it he says that he doesn't understand why i seemed to be upset with him at work and avoided eye contact and "I would hate to think that you were upset just becasue i had some else come into work to talk to me". I.e. he is neglecting to tell me that this person is in fact his girlfriend. And he also said that he enjoys the fact that we get on so well as much as he likes having sex with me. To me, it would appear that he is attempting to continue seeing us both.

 

I don't regret telling my workmates, we are all very close and they could tell that i was upset this weekend. If it did occur (unlikely, but i can dream) that we got back together then i know that they wouldn't judge us harshly but would appreciate the honesty. But as i said, that is unlikely to occur. In a choice between me and someone else it would never be me.

 

I have written an email reply but not sent it yet. I'm not sure what to say. I might just scrap it and send him a message that says we need to talk. What do you think?

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bluechocolate

And he also said that he enjoys the fact that we get on so well as much as he likes having sex with me.

 

Did he send this email to you at work?? How very professional. :rolleyes:

 

I think he's just after some hassle-free nookie - ditch him.

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zara

 

What a horrible situation to be in. I vaguely was in your situation last year. And it sucks. There isn't anything you can do to rectify things.

 

Don't change job however. That could be frying pan to fire in a professional sense. He sounds immature so thank god your thing with him didn't last too long. But I appreciate the scars ( and feelings ) will last much longer. Keeping out of his way at work will help. Also, tell your colleagues the full story and this will help dampen insensitivities. I detected a hint of vainity in your posting. Is that self preservation or vunerability.

 

You're adult enough to know that the attraction of man to woman or women to man can not ever be explained. Like you, no-one has compained about me in bed but that wouldn't necessarily make us compatable.

 

In short, only time can heal. ( What did your friends/family think of him? ) As for the e mail, personally I wouldn't send it. Starve him of attention. If you get in to a cycle of texts/e mail then the game goes on, and on, and on....but with no closure.

Read my posting....the "thread starter" name is MIJAS. Title was "ex girlfriend has been in touch but what does she want"

 

Keep us posted re developments. And good luck......

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i typed out three possible replies to his email.

 

One was a long and honest answer about why i was upset and wanting to know what he wants with me.

 

The second said "we need to talk."

 

The third said "F*!k off"

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don't send any of them. certainly not option 3 - that will only fan the flames.

 

did you read my posting? It shows how these things only end in a mind-f*** for one or both parties.

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Your posting has only just shown up becasue it was not posted under your registered name. Thanks for your advice.

 

It's difficult to keep out of his way at work because i rely on his protection as both of our jobs. So i feel as though i need to get this whole mess as clear cut as possible to make both of our working lives easier.

 

The vanity is a mixture of honesty (my job relies on my looks etc) and vulnerability because i appear to be someone who everyone wants to screw but no one wants to get into a relationship with. And i am mad with myself for believing that this could be any different.

 

I have sent him a text thanking him for his email and saying that we need to talk. Now i am waiting. I have to go to work tomorrow night and he will be there so if he doesn't reply before then i will just have to ignore him. If he does, then i'm still not sure what to say to him.

 

I have already made enquiries into a job elsewhere, much as i will miss my colleagues and was happy working there i don't think i can face him and his GF in my face all the time.

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Originally posted by zara

 

 

i appear to be someone who everyone wants to screw but no one wants to get into a relationship with. And i am mad with myself for believing that this could be any different.

 

My god Zara. Are you my ex!! I heard these words verbatum on several occasions. What a handicap. I can only suggest you need to slow down before bedding anyone! My ex generally didn't and has ended up with a checkered "personal cv"

 

I know I was the only educated career guy she dated, and with her being a bimbo, well....it was a disaster.

 

Seriously, it's an awful predicament and I hope things work out for you. I've bumped in to my ex ( whilst I was in company with my current g/f ) The atmosphere was love/hate/anger/passion/tinderbox/explosive. I'm sure she realises that I was a "good catch" and now its too late. Unfinished business, maybe. She's developed a habit of "bumping" in to me in places she knows I hang out. Plus a few txts of course. Am I missing the point ??

 

But you still have feelings for your ex b/f but no closure. Make a posting when you have an update.

 

Good luck

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lol! am pretty sure i'm not your ex!

 

I am not a bimbo - i have a masters degree and a damned good career - sometimes i think it would be easier to accept and explain if i was a bimbo. And i do not have a tendency to jump into bed with people - i'd gotten close to this guy over a couple of months before anything happened between us and i am helping him with his educational aspirations, as i have done with many ex partners.

 

So the question is, when will he realise that i'm a good catch? Or should you and i just get our monumental egos together in what could well be a perfect relationship :love:;):p

 

but seriously, the latest is that he responded to my text and said we should meet up before work one night. so i have suggested we talk tomorrow.

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Zara, good luck with your "meeting". I do feel tons of sympathy

 

my situation is a mirror of yours. sometimes when you date someone of a lower intellect they are intimidated ( my ex was ) the lesson is....don't. but, of course, love/lust clouds your judgement.

 

finally, i was aware that you're educated! ( it's a joy to meet someone on your own wavelength - it's part of the sexual chemistry ) and not for a second did i suggest that you were "too friendly" with your favours!

 

as for your ex.......que sera sera

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well, he never called round before work and if i were naive i could say "that's because it was snowing, i can't expect him to walk all the way to my place in a snow storm" - but heck, he could have called to let me know...

 

so i sat at home and had a little cry and then my friend from work called and told me to get to work early becasue she wanted me to havea drink with her brother-in-law (she's been trying to set me up with him for ages). So i met them for a drink, my friend left us alone for a while and who should walk through the dorr but the man who should have at least called... he looked over and saw us and i tried not to look or show any emotion. The time came for me to go to work and it was impossible to talk to him because there were constantly other people around. But i am pretty sure he gathered that i was on a date with this other guy (even though i didn't want to be).

 

Now, he hasn't called, sent me a text or email, but i really still want to talk to him. So i am thinking of going to work tonight and telling the girls i work with to give us some time alone so that we can talk - is this a good idea or should i just carry on ignoring him (even though it tears me up to do it and i don;t think i can carry on that way)?

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