Partner's Past infidelity

[espresso]

We are both 21. I have never been in a relationship before this one and she is my first everything. She, however, has been in one relationship before me, which lasted about a year and a half. In the final stages of that relationship, she had already been wanting to break up with her then boyfriend, but was encouraged not to and she cheated on this guy by having a one-night-stand with of one her co-workers. This happened about a year and a half ago.

 

She was very open to me about this and everything else since before we started our current relationship. She takes full responsibility for her actions, and claims to have been "young and stupid." She feels really bad about it and admits this was the worst mistake she has made and will probably make in her life. Because of this, and how open we are to each other in our relationship, she has my full trust and the possibility of another infidelity is not an issue to me.

 

What really bothers me, however, is the thought and mental images of the infidelity itself. Not only the sex, but mainly the intimacy aspect that comes attached to it. Being intimate with someone, when she was in a relationship with someone she cared about.. So now the thoughts like "Did she also cuddle with this guy after sex?" "Did she do this?" "Did she do that?" arise in my head every now and then.

 

I really like this girl and I want this relationship to work. I have discussed all of my issues with her, but I really can't think of anything that will make it feel better other than maybe time. What can I do to solve this problem? Please and thank you.

[salparadise]

What can I do to solve this problem? Please and thank you.

 

You can't change the past; you can only change how you react. Acceptance is the way to deal with it in my opinion. Be as open with her as she has been with you and let her know how it makes you feel... then try and move on past it. Perhaps mutual assurances that no matter what, neither of you will allow your relationship to end this way would be beneficial. Vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with loving, so embrace it and be fearless while also acknowledging that there are no guarantees... all the good stuff in life is multifaceted. Congrats on finding a great partner and relationship!

[espresso]

Perhaps mutual assurances that no matter what, neither of you will allow your relationship to end this way would be beneficial.

 

Thank you. And by that, are you referring to the fact that this bothers me?

[RedRobin]

I always find it odd when non-married people, especially quite young ones, talk about 'cheating' in a 'relationship'.

 

 

IMO, if you are not committed, then there is no 'cheating'. I don't consider anything that happens between non married people to be 'committed' (except for those in relationships where marriage isn't allowed... different story then...)

 

 

You are dating... and when you are dating, then you have to accept that maybe they will find someone they like better than you. You haven't committed for life, and even sometimes when people DO commit for life, it isn't perfect... but at least we know the difference between cheating and non-cheating in that scenario.

 

 

There are lots of dating situations where overlap occurs. OP, have you ever romanced, talked up, or flirted with another woman with the intention of scoping the field or better-dealing while you were in a 'relationship'? You've never been in a 'relationship', so if you've done the above with a young lady you knew was in a 'relationship', then you are just as guilty of 'cheating' or encouraging it.. as your current GF.

 

 

I don't do overlap, personally, so I do my best to make sure the people I date also don't go along with that before I agree to have sex with them.

 

 

Point being, if there is no commitment, then there is no cheating. Deception, maybe, but no cheating. Even then, you don't know what the arrangement was with her last BF. If they didn't set clear bounds on what constitutes deception, then there is no deception either. Just two people who can't or haven't communicated.

 

 

So, here is your chance to communicate and set some ground rules for yourself and each other.

Edited February 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[EmperorR]

I always find it odd when non-married people, especially quite young ones, talk about 'cheating' in a 'relationship'.

 

 

IMO, if you are not committed, then there is no 'cheating'. I don't consider anything that happens between non married people to be 'committed' (except for those in relationships where marriage isn't allowed... different story then...)

 

 

You are dating... and when you are dating, then you have to accept that maybe they will find someone they like better than you. You haven't committed for life, and even sometimes when people DO commit for life, it isn't perfect... but at least we know the difference between cheating and non-cheating in that scenario.

 

 

There are lots of dating situations where overlap occurs. OP, have you ever romanced, talked up, or flirted with another woman with the intention of scoping the field or better-dealing while you were in a 'relationship'? You've never been in a 'relationship', so if you've done the above with a young lady you knew was in a 'relationship', then you are just as guilty of 'cheating' or encouraging it.. as your current GF.

 

 

I don't do overlap, personally, so I do my best to make sure the people I date also don't go along with that before I agree to have sex with them.

 

 

Point being, if there is no commitment, then there is no cheating. Deception, maybe, but no cheating. Even then, you don't know what the arrangement was with her last BF. If they didn't set clear bounds on what constitutes deception, then there is no deception either. Just two people who can't or haven't communicated.

 

 

So, here is your chance to communicate and set some ground rules for yourself and each other.

 

you can't be serious

[EmperorR]

I always say and hold fast to it, whatever they did in a past relationship they can do it again (abuse, cheating etc.). Of course they will sugarcoat it, be remorseful and all that, it won't happen again. And of course it's up to you whether you want to trust and continue, best of luck.

[NJ123]

I always find it odd when non-married people, especially quite young ones, talk about 'cheating' in a 'relationship'.

 

 

IMO, if you are not committed, then there is no 'cheating'. I don't consider anything that happens between non married people to be 'committed' (except for those in relationships where marriage isn't allowed... different story then...)

 

 

You are dating... and when you are dating, then you have to accept that maybe they will find someone they like better than you. You haven't committed for life, and even sometimes when people DO commit for life, it isn't perfect... but at least we know the difference between cheating and non-cheating in that scenario.

 

 

There are lots of dating situations where overlap occurs. OP, have you ever romanced, talked up, or flirted with another woman with the intention of scoping the field or better-dealing while you were in a 'relationship'? You've never been in a 'relationship', so if you've done the above with a young lady you knew was in a 'relationship', then you are just as guilty of 'cheating' or encouraging it.. as your current GF.

 

 

I don't do overlap, personally, so I do my best to make sure the people I date also don't go along with that before I agree to have sex with them.

 

 

Point being, if there is no commitment, then there is no cheating. Deception, maybe, but no cheating. Even then, you don't know what the arrangement was with her last BF. If they didn't set clear bounds on what constitutes deception, then there is no deception either. Just two people who can't or haven't communicated.

 

 

So, here is your chance to communicate and set some ground rules for yourself and each other.

 

Well, you sure as hell would make a great partner.

[Ninjainpajamas]

She's only 21 and there's not a lot of adult thinking occurring quite yet, this isn't a situation of you being informed but her feeling guilty about her actions and wanting approval/acceptance from you.

 

If you want to leave a mark and leave an impression then I'd dump her if I were...you accepting this is basically telling her it's fine and you understand...don't be the white knight of forgiveness and understanding, she will just take you for a fool.

 

Don't believe the crocodile tears and repentance of how bad she feels...even if you end up dating her afterwards, you better leave/send a strong message or she may do the same to you.

 

Don't be an idiot swept up in your like for her.

[carhill]

A couple of general comments:

 

If the young lady's 'worst' life transgression turns out to be having a ONS with someone before breaking up with a boyfriend, she will have lived a charmed life. On the scale of life screw-ups, that hardly even registers.

 

For the young man, here's a wake-up call. People have sex. You're here because your parents got naked and did some pretty un-parentlike things to create you and, yep, continued doing them after you were scooting around. Any woman you meet in life will have the same history and proclivities as your mother because they are all women. They have sex with men. Some may even have sex with men you know. It's all part of life. You can choose to dwell on mind-images of them having sex and its attendant intimacy, or not. It's your choice.

 

Lastly, women lie and cheat, just like men do. Not everyone and not their entire lives perhaps, but at sometime, somewhere, with someone. Since you cannot read anyone's mind, the truth is always unknown, so you have to build your own boundaries and parameters of trust. Again, all choices. You decide.

 

In my generation, such 'infidelities' were so commonplace that I ceased to even measure their importance in relationship potentials. Why? Simply because other men didn't care and the women knew it so they went at it like rabbits and I sat home alone, smug and secure in my righteousness. Meanwhile, they were out living life. Again, choices. You decide.

 

Compatibility is about inter-mesh of minds, psyches, morals, principles, etc, etc, as well as all the typical love chemical stuff. If two people mesh, they do; if not, not. Dating helps to establish a framework for deciding such matters by getting to know the person. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not.

[d0nnivain]

I too lean toward this was an immature mistake. Most people screw up some aspects of their first relationships. In a society that devalues sex, the way those screw ups manifest can be ONS.

 

 

She did tell the OP about it & seems remorseful so I am loathe to label her a serial cheater.

 

 

OP, you can't think like that. You have to think, the past is the past & the present it what matters. She didn't go on to have a relationship with the ONS. She has chosen to date you & if there are no other red flags, move forward but do keep your eyes open. If you can't let go of this break up with her because you are going to drive yourself crazy It's not fair to punish her for your hang up

[salparadise]

Thank you. And by that, are you referring to the fact that this bothers me?

 

Yes, and the fact that you're dealing with it, relegating it to the past and determined not let it affect your relationship now or in the future. It's not fair to hold it against her because she didn't betray you, and because she is being honest and forthcoming, and I presume sincerely remorseful and not prone to recidivism.

 

People are both fallible and redeemable. Some people can be mature and grounded at age 21, others are not. There are no absolutes, their is always risk, and the only constant is change. Nothing obviates the potential for the two of you to experience a wonderful relationship based on honesty, trust, openness and integrity. If you conduct yourselves as such then the relationship will be a growth experience, regardless of not knowing what the future holds.

 

There is beauty in a life lived fully and conducted with integrity. Part of that is forgiveness and acceptance, fully realizing that no one is perfect. When you love, love the entire being. Our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be broken hearted. Trust is believing that your vulnerability will be honored.

 

Invite her to engage in a relationship based in trust and integrity if it feels like you're right for each other and the feelings are there. Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience this in their whole lifetime, and it's usually because they can't tolerate vulnerability. Don't let fear and doubt rob you of that possibility.